I would never forgive him for this. Doing all he could to get me, to open me up, only for him to drop me as if I was some old good luck charm that ran out of glamour. For reducing me to some pacing mess, my mind relentlessly running in circles as I looked for an answer. A reason.
For him not seeing me now, as I was. For bringing my past back into the equation- my unashamed attempt at packing it all away and turning the blindest of eyes to it, almost brought to ruin.
--
I was decidedly in a better mood today. Not that I was no longer heartbroken, feeling like a dust bunny that had been sitting in an unreachable spot under the bed for far too long, like an unconcealed zit ready to burst and ruin someone's day more than I already had.
The pain was still ripe. It still sank through my body like lead in my veins, flowing laboriously with gravity as I sat up slowly in bed. The pain of having to face another morning without him. I couldn't believe I had nearly made it a full working week. How was it only Friday?
There was no warmth from his arms, clasped around me at every angle. No nest of frazzled curls on the same pillow my newly silken blonde locks fell on. If I lifted the bundle of sheets I had laid my eyes on behind me, on his side of the bed, I wouldn't find him hiding from his alarm and I as we fought to wake him up. I'd find pillows. The pillows he used to tease me about. The pillows he'd move under my head, while he took me from behind, for me to muffle my moans and screams of pleasure.
I didn't wake up in a better mood. I didn't wake up feeling fresh, excitable, and suddenly realizing I didn't still wish to have all of these aspects of us. Like I didn't miss it at all. But I wanted to wake up feeling like that- consumed by nothing but ambition, with the same drive I was raised to embody. Because there was no use in wishing for something that would never happen. Something that was so unattainable to me.
So I decided I would be in a better mood instead. It wasn't real, and it was far from being true, but I had to start somewhere, right? Fake it 'till you make it, or whatever I used to tell him. It was mine now.
"Morning," I chirped, getting into the left-side passenger seat of Noah's car, handing him a warm to-go mug before buckling myself in.
"What's this?" he questioned suspiciously, holding the mug far from his body, like whatever contents the mug held behind their double paned walls would dissolve through the barrier, burning him. Like I was trying to poison him. Can't I do something nice for him without being questioned, for once? I laughed out loud, slapping my knee with the palm of my hand, my tongue settled on my top row of teeth as I shook my head at him.
"I made you a latte," I explained, holding up my own glossy lime green Yeti mug, one that had 'OMC' printed in thick, italicized lettering on the side. "Oat milk."
"You made me a latte!? Why?"
I let out a noise in offence, wagging my chin toward him as I spoke, "Can't I made my favorite employee a coffee? As a thank you, for picking me up today?"
"No," he mumbled facetiously, letting his eyes travelled down to the mug he was now sniffing. I shoved his shoulder, rolling my eyes and picking up my own to take a sip. Noah followed my lead, eyebrows raising in shock when he realized the coffee was made to his liking. I looked at him righteously, my eyes speaking for me. See, Noah? No poison.
"Alrighty then," he hit the SUV into drive and peeled into the central London traffic. We sat in awkward silence, the type of silence where I knew he was trying to keep his mouth shut, because if he dared open his mouth to say anything, he'd probably end up asking me about him.
Noah made that mistake earlier this week, sending me into a sobbing tailspin, just before a prospective buyer was scheduled to come see me, to view one of our high-end cars. Noah learned his lesson, seeing then how serious I was this time.
That even though him and I have had our share of troubles in the past, and Noah was no stranger to our history, - this time was for real. I was wounded beyond even his repair.
"So, Monaco next weekend. You feel ready?" Noah drew in a breath through his teeth as he smiled excitedly in my direction, glancing away from the slow crawl in front of us to do so.
"Oh Noah, I haven't even began to think about Monaco yet," I sighed.
Will had sent Julia a full manuscript of what topics we would be covering, my media schedule for the Sunday, and a detailed list of how my participation would be advertised. On top of Monaco to worry about next week, I had my first practice run in the 992 Cup Car at Silverstone on Tuesday. My first time in my race-suit, sporting my '#60 - October' in over two years.
The anxiety mingled with excitement in my gut, leaving me squirming as I tried to lean more toward the positive than the negative. Tried to remind myself I was just driving a car around Silverstone - nothing I hadn't done in the past two years.
"Is that because of D-"
"No, it is not because of him," I grumbled through my breath as I interrupted. "I'm meeting James at Silverstone on Tuesday. It'll be my first time in the 992. I'm doing a few training laps with an instructor before they really let me have at it. Dad's taking the day off to come watch as well, he's really nervous about me doing anything motorsport related, so I figured him coming along to watch me couldn't be a bad thing."
Noah pursed his lips, keeping his eyes forward. He nodded as I rambled on senselessly, turning down his suggestion quicker than I had intended to. Though if that didn't show Noah I still wasn't willing to talk about him, then I'm not sure what would. I prayed he would let it go, not to take advantage of our car ride alone, though I knew this was a hard thing to ask of Noah.
Lord only knows if he was in my place, and I in his, I wouldn't be turned away, silenced, by a few tears. However I'm grateful in this case that Noah wasn't me, and knew when to support in silence, from the sidelines.
"Tell me how everything is going with Amanda," I asked, hoping Noah wouldn't notice the squeak in my voice, letting him know I was putting on the tone for show. That I really wasn't as cheery this Friday morning as I tried to tell myself I was.
"Amanda's good, things are steady with her..."
Noahs train of bad love luck had seemingly ended, unlike my own. If they weren't at work, or Amanda wasn't busy with her acting pursuits, they were together. Noah was even considering asking her to move in with him, taking the next step. It was becoming harder and harder for them to make time to go out, and so most of their time spent together was in the late evening and early mornings, before and after bed.
I nodded, remembering what that was like. Knowing the type of obstacle time, or the lack of it, proved to be. How something so simple could make or break a connection.
Having to balance your time, your schedule, with someone else's. Constantly thinking about when you can see them next. I turned, facing the window as Noah continued telling me every amazing thing about Amanda he could think up. My eyes focused on my reflection in the side mirror, watching my jaw clench. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Think of the positives.
Like, all of the free space in my schedule to focus on... me, and my own busy schedule. Having time to see the girls, plus Julia and Jocelyn. I couldn't remember the last time the three of us went for dinner. I'd have to get Joce to sneak me into a Formula E race one of these days. I haven't been to one at all yet this season.
"What have you got lined up for Ben today?"
"That Range Rover guy is coming back to view it," Noah paused, leering in my direction. "Then I'm going to have him look at the auctions, send me some new leads. You have got a client coming in this morning, might I remind you. Then you're free for the day."
"Yes, I remember. The V12 Vantage," I said, happy at the prospect of letting the Aston Martin go, potentially. I didn't love Aston Martins. "That'll give me a free afternoon to drive the new MP4-12C around. For inspection purposes, of course."
"You can take it by the Tech Centre," Noah winked, turning the engine off.
I winced in his direction, apprehensively responding under my breath. "Yeah - it's a no, from me."
"Oh if you're going by the mechanic shop, you can pick up the G63, the silver one we brought in on trade. It's done its inspection," Noah opened the door for me to hop out of the car as we pulled up to the Hangar. Rory's car was already here, with Ben expected in any time soon.
"Done deal," I raised my glass and winked at the man I used to call my assistant, now a very fully blossomed floor manager. I was proud of Noah and all of the adjustments he has made since Ben has started with us, and I have relinquished a bit of my duties. It was quite the shift for him to get used to, I know. I regret not being able to be around for the beginning of it, and suddenly I felt as if I owed him something. Some recognition. An October MotorCars team dinner - officially on the to-do list.
Rory jumped, his head shooting up in our direction as the two of us entered the Hangar through the opened bay door. The Hangar featured three of them on either lengthy side, presumably for the planes that used to call this space home. We kept them through the renovation, figuring they'd be handy to transport cars of varying sizes in and out of. Plus, it was nice to get some fresh air through them in the late spring and all through summer.
The reaction was strange, even though my raised voice echoed through the Hangar as I asked why the door was opened. I can see how that would have caused him shock, however he looked more as if he had seen a ghost.
"Sorry," I muttered, scrunching my nose at my brother, Noah laughing behind me as he set his things on his desk and sat down. "What's with you?"
"Nothing, why?" Rorys fingers moved quickly across his phone screen, hitting the screen firmly once before locking it and facing it screen-down on his desk. I planted my two palms, shoulder-width apart and scrutinized him from above with pursed lips.
'Nothing', my ass.
But I'd let it go. I couldn't not focus on being in a good mood, I had no energy to investigate my brothers jittery actions.
"Nothing," I repeated dismissively, pushing myself off from my leaning position and clapping my hands together loudly, my brother jumping again in my peripherals. My lip jutted out as my brows raised, looking at Rory, thinking if I waited for long enough he'd tell me why he was acting so strangely this morning. He could never keep anything from me for long.
"How are you this morning, Lex?" Rory leaned his head back in his chair, nesting his hands together at his crown, crossing his feet as he extended his legs in front of him. Relaxed, and genuinely interested in how my morning so far had gone - or so he wanted to seem.
I'm good, I'm having a flawless morning. I rolled out of bed effortlessly, without thinking about him. The eggs I made myself with a side of the best maple bacon I could find on this continent turned out better than I could've imagined. As I ate I left the front window open, watching pedestrians as they passed by, without thinking about how we used to walk along that very street, hand-in-hand, identities shielded by our winter layers. And hats. Sunglasses too- of course, even when it wasn't sunny, as if we were Will and Kate.
Nothing was amiss. There was nothing to complain about.
"Lex?" Rory cleared his throat, lip twitching hesitantly as he tried to gain my attention.
"Yeah, good. Same old, same old," I remarked offhandedly before opening my laptop, signalling I was done playing morning catch-up. After all, I had an Aston Martin to get off my hands this morning.
The Vantage was set-up and ready for it's potential buyer, thanks to Ben who had the car detailed yesterday in preparation. I pulled the car into the middle of the showroom, centred to the open bay door, and got the files ready on my desk.
As ready and able as I knew Rory, Noah, even Ben were to do this type of thing, I found it enjoyable to interact with clients in this way. One-on-one, watching their eyes light up as they found the one. The machine that lit their heart on fire. It was a personal experience at this level, a task I never minded, trudging through dozens of failed prospects to find a match.
Especially in this moment, where it felt like not even coffee could ignite any passion in my soul, backfiring in all cylinders as I tried to regain my spark. The spark I let him take from me, graciously. Shit, I practically handed it to him on a shimmering silver platter.
How could I have been so stupid?
"How'd he go?" Noahs shoes clicked against the concrete as he approached me from behind, waving the client off.
It was a lack-lustre showing, at best. Whether it was the car not living up to it's description, or me not being entirely there during the showing, turning on the charm apparently too much to ask of me today- I wasn't feeling hopeful towards hearing from this client again.
"It went alright," I shrugged, finally turning as the client turned the corner. My shoulders dropped, head tipping down as my hands rested on the small of my back, elbows propped out.
"I'll park it back on the lift?"
"Please do," I nodded, handing Noah the key, dramatically flinching away from it.
I'd happily never set foot in that car again. Maybe I could find another dealership to take it off my floor, wholesale pric-
I squinted into the horizon, almost empty, save for a tall black horse of a vehicle approaching with a roar down the quiet road. Carson.
And suddenly, I figured why Rory was acting so strangely this morning. They were teaming up on me. This was a bombardment, catching me where they knew I couldn't run.
Just when I thought he wouldn't tell anyone.
I cursed under my breath, looking for an escape. Noah was my ride home, and I couldn't very well take his car without him. I clutched my phone in my hand, wondering how believable it would be if I took a very important business call, right now. One that couldn't be interrupted. Not even by an impromptu family meeting.
I'd just be prolonging the inevitable. There was no way away from this.
"What brings you around these parts?" I cheesed, standing in front of my brothers Mercedes as he slammed the door shut.
"I came to take you and Rory to lunch. When was the last time the three of us spent quality time together?" A reasonable excuse on any other day. Any other week. However as we shared a glare, standing across from each other, both of us knew why he was here. He came for his answers. He came to fix whatever was wrong with his baby sister this time.
"You said you weren't going to say anything," I whispered, crossing my arms.
"To Dad," Carson responded dryly, his same smile steady across his cheeks. I let out a huff, opening my mouth to start.
"I'm not-"
"You're not in the mood? Yeah, neither was I, when I found you crying back at the motorhome in Spain. You're lucky it was me, and not someone else."
'Lucky' was an interesting word of choice. Not exactly the one I would use. I frowned up at Carson, gnawing on the inside of my cheek as I thought of all the ways I could've flattened his head in our Karting days with deep regret.
"You're impossible," I rolled my eyes, hating the way I sounded like a teenaged version of myself. Realizing this probably wasn't the first time I had uttered those words in this tone to him. My locks tickled my shoulder-blades as I threw my head back with a sigh, headed back to my desk to grab my purse.
I looked to Noah as I passed him, sat behind the safety of his desk here in Camberley, far from his family in Perth. Noah often mentioned how lucky he felt I was to have my family here with me, how life has brought us all to the U.K., together. In this moment, I'd give anything to be half a world away from Carson, at least.
He mouthed a discreet 'good luck' in my direction, flashing me a thumbs up as I deepened my glare.
So much for my better mood today. I'd try again tomorrow, depending on how this conversation went.
"How did the Vantage client go?" Rory broke the silence from the back seat, ten minutes into our silent car ride. Carson sat unmoved, one hand on the wheel, the other rested on the centre console.
"Fine," I answered bitterly, watching the words hit him in the rear-view.
"An Aston Martin, hey?" Carsons eyes rested on me momentarily, before continuing back to Rory. "You've never liked those."
"I don't mind them," Rory shrugged, leaning an arm on my seat as he poked his head between ours. "I love this song. How about we turn it up?"
"Say no more," Carson smirked as Rory chuckled, reaching his hand onto the volume button and cranking the indie-rock tune.
I exhaled, the reverberations off the b-pillar I had been leaning my head against suddenly bringing on a pressure behind my temples on either side, connecting like a string of floss in the centre of my brain and pulling in every which direction. My hand drifted up to the bridge of my nose, my fingers pinching the piece of flesh tightly to try and distract myself.
"Alright," my body jerked forward suddenly as Carson slammed his foot down on the brake pedal, ripping my eyes open from their clamped tight state. I looked over to him as he spoke, his breath rapidly escaping from his flared nostrils. "Enough, Alexa."
"You're right, Cars," I nodded, looking up at him through squinted eyes. "I've had enough."
My hand settled down on the doors handle beside me faster than my brother could hit the lock button, and I was freed. However, freed was a loose term; and here it was defined by the side of a highway, where Carson in his frustration had found it best suited to pull over.
I threw my hands into the air, the breeze from the cars passing by whisking my hair across my face. My palms slapped down on my thighs in defeat and I turned around, meeting my two brothers as they stood, side-by-side.
My hour of reckoning.
"If this is about what you saw in Spain, Carson-"
"Of course this is about what I saw in Spain, Lex," Carson cut in.
"It really was nothing, Carson. You're blowing this way out or proportion!"
"Okay, humour me, then. Prove me wrong," he strode forward, sitting beside me on the concrete guardrail on the edge of the shoulder. He sat with his back straightened, looking down at me with his hands set on his knees.
"Alexa," Rory approached, standing in front of us. "We're concerned."
"You two are concerned? For me?" I gestured between them, before pointing the same finger up at myself. Rory and Carson shared a look, nodding in consensus after a moment.
"Thank you both, but I assure you there is nothing going on here that's worth your concern."
"Anything that makes you as upset as you were when I found you flying out of the Hub," Carson raised his brow, bringing his point home. "Is worth my concern."
"Mine too," Rory agreed tenderly.
"Guys-" I scoffed, burying my face in my hands. There was no way out.
I can't believe they were doing this. That I was in this position, on the side of the highway, with Carson and Rory. And the only way out was to give them the truth, to tell them why I was so upset. To talk to them about hi-
"Look, we love Lando. We all do."
"Lando?" I furrowed my brow, visibly taken aback by Carsons comment. He smiled, eyes bounding up toward Rory in satisfaction. Apparently my confusion had been part of their plan.
"Yeah, Lex. You guys didn't have to hide what was going on between you two. We would've been happy for you!" Rory continued.
Oh no. No no no n-
"Dad told us he saw Lando leaving your room one morning- the morning after we all arrived in Spain. I realized later that day, all of the signs. They were right there in front of us. You're always sitting in his garage during races. You guys game together all the time-"
Damn, I really thought Dad didn't think anything of that. Though, how could he not; finding his daughter with a boy leaving her hotel room in the earliest hours of the morning, when we thought we wouldn't get caught. He knows Lando and I are friend, and only friends, but I can see how that would look suspicious, even to Dad.
"You also did the track walk with him in Imola!"
"Yes him, and Charlotte, and Jon, and at least two other people. What - I can't walk a track with an old teammate without people thinking we're dating?"
"W-well-" Rory stammered, eyes landing back onto our oldest brother for help.
"And you ran down from the upper hall, where the drivers rooms are," Carson casted Rory a lifeboat, nudging me with his elbow. I looked up at Carson, who wasn't looking back at me angrily, or with disappointment. His expression was earnest, a simple smile lifting a corner of his mouth.
As was Rory. They weren't upset that I had hid this supposed relationship with Lando from them. They weren't accusing me of deceit, or judging me for anything they thought I had done.
And I was foolish to think they ever would.
"What happened between you two?"
"Nothing," I laughed as I answered truthfully. My hands clutched my sides as I keeled over, laughter shaking my entire body. I couldn't pinpoint what I thought was more ridiculous; the fact that my brothers and Dad had come to this conclusion on their own, or the fact that I ever felt the need to hide who I was really seeing from them this whole time.
"Ah," I sighed, my face red as a tomato and eyes welling with tears as I settled my breath. "That's got to be the hardest I've laughed in a while. Thanks you guys."
I stood from the concrete, wiping small pebbles from the back of my thighs, letting out a few smaller chuckles. My brothers looked to me dumbfounded as I rose, standing beside Rory with my hands on my hips.
"I'm scared," Rory muttered under his breath. Carson rolled his eyes, standing as well, his mouth moving as if he was trying to figure what to say next.
"Nothing happened between Lan and I, Cars. Not that day at the motorhome. Nothing happened that night he slept over in my room. Lando is like a brother to me."
"Come on, dude!" Rory exclaimed. "Just tell u-"
"You guys have got the wrong driver," I turned, walking back towards Carsons AMG. As I spoke, I leaned my back against the passenger door, taking in my brothers confused reactions once more.
"Huh?" the bridge of Rorys nose crumbled upward, his head cocking sideways.
Carson, beside him, on the other hand- his confused expression dropped as his brain made sense of what I was telling them. Making the connection. The laundry pile he found in Monaco, my initial adverse reaction to Daniel. How he always suspected I was hiding something, my relationship with Mason throwing him off the trail.
There was an audible click echoing in the short distance between Carson and I. He got his answer. If it wasn't Lando, that left-
"Daniel," I read his name on Carsons lips, the shape of it forming a dagger as it ran stabbing through my chest, a million rose thorns barging into me, all at once.
I ducked my head down, scrunching my eyes shut and grabbing the car door handle for support. This was enough of a confirmation for them, and suddenly I was being held up by two sets of arms wrapped firmly around me.
"Oh, Lex," Rory coo'd, rubbing the back of my head as I began crying into Carsons shoulder, releasing the emotions I had not just been holding in for the past week. The past few months. The pressure of hiding my true feelings from my brothers.
I didn't think I had any tears left. I thought my well had dried. I thought I'd have a good day today.
Though, as I regained my composure and Carson opened the car door for me, as I prepared to tell my big brothers the truth of what had been going on these past few months, I realized;
Today couldn't have gone better.
--
(not edited)
a/n: the entire last bit was written on my phone, so pls pardon any spelling mistakes or off formatting.
iiiiiiiiiiits RACE WEEKEND!! melby race predictions, go:
mine: VER, LEC, RIC
did I put our dearest danny in third simply because its his home race, and the first time back at albert park in years? yes. yes I did.
will it absolutely break my heart if he doesn't at least score some good points this weekend? yes. yes it will.