LISA
I guess, today is my ninth session with my therapist since Jennie and I separated. It helps me a lot. But I won't deny that every time I am with my children at Jennie's house, it heals me more. When I teach Marcus how to read through Braille and when I prepare Kylie's milk, I couldn't ask for more. When I see Jennie taking care of the kids, it makes me happy. And strange at the same time. Happy because I learned to open my eyes and see every detail how she does it. She's a great disciplinarian and at the same time a cool mama to Kylie and Marcus.
Usually, I spend my night with the kids after my work and just go home when they're asleep. Sometimes, Jennie would also give me her time just by talking about random things at their veranda.
And the strange part, do you know what is it?
Every time I look at her, lust is no longer filling my head and my body. But I felt something in my chest. My heart is beating fast so good.
Is this love? Am I feeling this before and just ignoring it? Or is this a new one blooming? Because every time I look at her, she is not turning my world into something.
Jennie becomes my world.
But I am not trying so hard to push myself in. I am respecting her and the last time I became aggressive, it didn't went well.
I think I have to win her heart back after I fix myself. It's not right that just because I can't get her I would force her to love me back again.
You know what happened after that night I brought her at their house?
I had been giving her flowers with short notes expressing what I feel towards her or how she looks beautiful today.
I asked her if I can court her.
But all she said was, "I don't want anybody to court me, Lisa. I want my time for my kids. Let's just be friends."
I know she felt how desperate I was to get her back.
And I think it wasn't working.
Again, here I am knocking at my therapist's door.
She said that I must prepare myself for this session as it will bring back a little trauma.
The moment I stepped in, she gave me a cup of tea and told me stories about her child. I learned also that she was also separated from her husband but they got back together.
When I was done with my tea, she asked me to close my eyes and just clear my mind for a while. She said I should not go back and see the environment if she hasn't told me yet.
It was a calm moment. She told me to relax for we will be traveling to my memory lane.
"Lisa, can you still remember the first time you saw Jennie? What did you feel that day?"
"Clearly. I was so sick of my life that time, being forced to do things I didn't want to do. Then when I found her, I saw something that is more than my need of having sex with her. I found relief in her arms."
"Ok. What's next? Keep going."
"I thought it was just a one night stand. I surprised myself realizing that I was already looking for her. I was scared to lose her when she did not call and text me back anymore."
"So, when the two of you weren't married yet, you were already scared to lose her. That is noted."
"Why do you think you wanted her?"
"I— I wanted her because I needed her comfort. With her, I felt being valued. Jennie has this natural care that I haven't experienced with other women I had in the past."
"Why did you marry her?"
"I demanded her to marry me. I may sound stupid because I wanted to get married that time just to avoid my mother's will to decide for me. Doc, I am just scared to admit, but that time I asked her to marry me, I saw myself growing old with her. But fuck. I failed to be a better partner for her."
And my tears suddenly kept flowing.
"Don't look around. Just let your tears fall but do not open your eyes totally. We should be hand in hand with your emotions."
"Lisa, why do you think you were finding pleasure in a different path rather than with your wife?"
"Doc, the sexual pleasures Jennie and I had were amazing. Like you wouldn't find for another woman when you got my wife in your life already. But— but I was a proud individual who thinks highly of herself."
"What made you say that?"
"When I become mad, I look for people around me to blame. It always falls to Jennie because she's just right beside me. I was so bad for screaming at her. When it comes to sex, I couldn't fuck her with anger so I looked for other woman to force out my madness. I didn't want to physically hurt my wife."
"Good to hear that you are telling me this, Lisa. I understand."
"Am I a bad person for doing that, Doc?"
"Yes. But at some point, you couldn't control it. Am I right?"
"Yes."
"Your problem here is your anger. You can't manage it well. But I want to tell you something. Based on our frequent sessions, I could see change. A positive change. You are slowly cooperating with your anger management."
"Am I?"
"Yeah."
I took a deep breath and I cried more.
"Doc, I am a bad person. I manipulated Jennie. I made her feel unimportant in so many ways. All I did was hurt her when all she did was love me."
"What else?"
"I took her for granted. I did not appreciate her. But she still stayed with me."
"Do you think you have a problem with Jennie? Or you only want her when you cannot get her?"
"She's too good. Too kind. Doc, if she'll give me a chance, I won't let her slip away again. i swear!"
"And you wanted someone opposite?"
"No. I was the opposite. What am I going to do, Doc?"
"I am really happy that you are figuring things out yourself, Lisa. Relax. If I were to ask you if what's the most painful thing you did to Jennie, what is it?"
"I didn't give her the right love."
"But you know what right love is?"
"I don't."
"Just try. What do you think you should have done to show her that right love?"
"By treating her right. Loving her with all of me. Respecting and avoid hurting her. Not having an affair with other woman."
"Correct. And all must start in yourself, Lisa. You must love yourself."
I cried more.
"If there's a problem, what is the first thing you do?
"I get angry."
"Ok. But what you must do?"
"I should stay calm. Reflect. Compose myself. Think before I speak. Talk to my wife and ask for her side and suggestions to make me better. To be honest, Jennie helped me through it. I had a phase in my life that I got to manage my anger well. But my darkness comes out again when I learn something unpleasant or if something not good comes up. What should I do about that, Doc?"
"What do you think, Lisa?"
"Back to one? Pray. Reflect. Relax. Think. Cry if needed. Breathe in and breathe out. Be good."
"Correct. And never ignore your emotions. But also think that by not ignoring that, you also have to be kind to people around you. You can always cry. You can always scream if you want but make sure you won't bother or bring trauma to the person you are with."
"I was too much. I am sorry. It hurts me now, Doc. It's all sinking in. I hurt my wife so much. She didn't deserve all of that. Jennie is so genuine. Jennie loved me. How could I do that to her?"
"It's not yet too late. Make sure to assess yourself always. Stay calm. You can't solve problems by punching someone or going wild. The hurt won't leave your heart even if you flick your anger towards other people. Am I right? Your wife carried all the baggages because she loved you too much."
And I realized, yes, the hurt doesn't go even if I blame other people. The problem won't be solved if I just get angry and scream. I am so sorry, Jennie.
"Yeah. Thanks a lot, Doc."
"And Lisa, don't let your past define who you are today and what will you become in the future. Remember, if you do good deeds, everything else follows. You get what I mean?"
"Yes, Doc. I totally understand now."
"Let your past be your teacher. It wasn't too beautiful, but all serve as a lesson."
"Yes. I really regret everything I did in the past, Doc. I must bring out the better version of myself. Not only for me, but for my wife and children."
"Right. But also don't forget that your emotions are valid. Sometimes, we just have to choose people to know it depending if we are at peace to let them know or not. You have family and friends. But what if they are not around? You have God and yourself, Lisa. And most importantly, your will to change for the better. Your will must come with maturity."
I was like reborn again the moment I stepped out of the building and went to my car.
I immediately called Jennie and asked her to have lunch with me. She agreed that I'll pick her up. This is not a date. We actually planned on this for we have to shop some clothes for our kids.
Please, do not put any malice as I am already accepting this friendship she offers to me.
Friendship.
But I am falling in love with her.