Friendship isn't always stable. There will be times that it'll quiver, crumble, fall. You just have to be courageous, brave, strong, and understanding enough to make it stay still again.
Unfortunately for me, I realized it too late. But I am trying to repair it... Kahit hindi madali.
From xandernirvana@gmail.com
To seraphiguevan@gmail.com
kaishajeana@gmail.com
arisantos@gmail.com
reinaviolette@gmail.com
There's a lot of things I want to say but I will start by saying, I am sorry. Deeply and truly sorry. My actions are unforgivable. I was impulsive, I did left you four hanging, clueless about my reason.
However, hadn't I done what I did, maybe our friendship was now broken. Mas maganda na ang ganitong ako lamang ang napalayo sa inyo, relasyon ko lang sa inyo ang nasira, kaysa naman sabay-sabay tayong magkakawatak-watak.
Sending you an email isn't enough to express my side and my reason. I hope you can give me a chance to talk to you four in person, to ask for forgiveness. Hoping we could meet tomorrow, 4 PM at the café we used to hangout.
Sincerely yours,
Nirvana
I needed to go around and ask people closed to them about their email. Hindi ko iyon nakuha sa ibang kaibigan nila dahil hindi raw nila alam. Good thing Ravi helped me. Nakuha niya ang Gmail account ng mga kaibigan ko sa pamamagitan ng paghingi nito sa university na pinasukan nila para sa college.
Ravi pulled some strings since his family is influential. Hindi iyon magandang gawin but I was desperate to find a way on how to contact them.
The social media accounts I created when I was in States was no use since I didn't add nor followed them. I tried to stalk their accounts pero lahat naka-private at hindi ako maka-send ng kahit message request man lamang.
Hindi naman pwede na bigla-bigla na lang akong kumatok sa pintuan ng bahay nila kagaya ng ginawa ko kay Jia. They might close the door the moment they see me. Wala nga'ng kasiguraduhan na gusto pa nila akong makita o makausap ulit.
Si Jia kasi ay sigurado akong maiintindihan niya ako. At alam ko na kahit anong mangyari, kaibigan at kaibigan niya pa rin ako. That's how Jia is. Kaya naman malapit na malapit siya sa puso ko. Kapatid, as what I've said.
"Nine-nerbyos ako." utas ko habang katabi si Ravi sa kotse.
Ravi insisted on driving me to the cafe. Kanina kasi ay sabi ko h'wag na dahil baka matagalan pa ako ngunit hindi siya nagpapigil. He wants to make sure that when things go worst, he'll be there for me.
I arrived 15 minutes before the said time. Ayaw kong mahuli kagaya noong panahon. I was named as the latecomer of the group, but now, I will show up before all of them to express my seriousness and sincerity in this. I am eager to have them back but will not persuade them if they really doesn't want to anymore.
"Dito ka na lang." utos ko kay Ravi nang nasa tapat na kami ng café.
"Take care, Nirvana. It'll all be alright." he displayed a small, comforting smile that somehow eases my heart.
"Salamat, Rav." I held his hand quickly before hopping out of the car.
Habang naglalakad papasok ay hindi magkamayaw sa pagtakbo ng mabilis ang puso ko.
What if none of them shows up? What if they chose to ignore my request rather than entertaining it? Paano kung... paano kung wala na talaga akong puwang sa buhay nila?
Those thoughts made my hand tremble.
Everything will be alright
Pinanghawakan ko ang salitang iyon ni Ravi. Lahat ng ito ay magiging maayos. I should be positive.
Naupo ako sa pwesto malapit sa pintuan para makita agad nila ako. Gustuhin ko mang i-remind sila ay hindi ko magawa dahil walang paraan. Alangan naman mag-send ulit ako ng E-mail?
The longer the minutes pass by, the more I became worried that maybe, just maybe, what I am trying to do was futile because they have moved on already.
Itinaas ko ang kamay at tiningnan ang oras. Five minutes pass four.
I smiled bitterly. Siguro ay hindi na sila dadating.
But I was wrong. Just when I almost lost hope, two females entered the café and ran to my direction. Agad nagtubig ang mga mata ko.
Kaisha and Arielle engulfed me on a tight hug. Dama ko ang pananabik nila na makita akong muli.
My friends. I am definitely home.
"Saan ka nagpunta, Nirvana? Ano ang nangyari? Bakit bigla kang nawala?" sunod-sunod na tanong ni Kaisha, naiiyak.
"Bakit hindi ka man lang nagpaalam?" Arielle was already shredding tears.
Pinalis ko ang luhang kumawala sa aking mata. I was about to speak when someone called my name affectionately.
"Nirvana!" malakas na tawag ng isang babae na nagpalingon sa halos lahat ng customer sa café.
Ate Rei hurried to my direction and embraced me. Ibinalik ko ang yakap at mas lalong naluha.
"Gosh, I thought you won't come back anymore." Ate says in relief.
Naupos siya sa tabi ko at hinawakan ang aking mga kamay. "Please tell me what happened. I was really worried for you."
I sighed and shove a tear away. "It was a long story, Ate... Kaisha, Ari." tiningnan ko silang lahat bago idinako ang mata sa entrance. "It will be much better to explain it when we are already complete." chuckling humorlessly, I said. "Para isang bagsakan na lang."
They fell silence. Halatang may gusto silang sabihin ngunit hindi alam kung paano. Nagkakatingin sila at nagsesenyasan ngunit walang nagsasalita.
I felt a pang on my chest. Mukhang alam ko na. Hindi ata talaga lahat ay maiintindihan ako. Still, kuha ko kung saan ang pinanggagalingan nila.
"A-ayos lang..." lumunok ako dahil may kung anong bumabara sa lalamunan. "Na-naiintindihan ko."
"Sorry, Nirv." paumanhin ni Ate Rei. "Sera's not yet ready to face you. It damaged her a lot."
"You don't have to, Ate. I was at fault in here. I should understand."
"Hayaan mo na lang muna siyang magpalamig." ngumiti si Ari sa akin na tinugunan ko ng pagtango.
"Ano nga ba ang nangyari sa'yo, Nirvana? Why did you disappeared all of a sudden? We tried looking for you but no one can give us information about your whereabout. Kahit ang mama mo ay ayaw sabihin sa amin." Kai said with a crease on her forehead.
"Mom isn't the type of person to trust anyone easily. She also doesn't disclose personal information." may paghingi ng tawad sa aking tono.
I explained to them what happened. Kagaya ng ginawa ko kay Jia. From beginning until now. They were shock to know what I've been through. Wala silang alam na ganoon na pala ang nararamdaman ko.
They really thought that I was okay. That I was fine. It wasn't in their attention that I was already hurting by their actions.
"P-pasensya na, Nirvana. I didn't know. Wala akong alam." yumuko si Ate Rei at napahawak sa kaniyang mata.
Even Kai and Ari were crying. Mabuti na lamang at hindi kami pinapansin ng mga customer.
"Apology accepted, Ate." ngumiti ako. "Isa pa, wala kayong alam, eh. Kasi hindi ko sinabi. You see, lack of communication was the reason behind this. Kasalanan ko na hindi ko sinabi kung ano iyong nararamdaman ko."
"I am deeply sorry, too." sinserong saad ko at tiningnan silang lahat sa mata. "I left you all. Walang paalam o kahit na anong salita. I had to fix my family issues and also, myself. Because fixing myself means being able to relearn and let go of the past. Pasensya."
"I also want to apologize," pagsasalita ni Kaisha. We all darted our eyes at her. "I was going through financial problem at that time kaya hindi ako gaanong nakakapag-message. Hindi ko alam na ganoon na pala ang... ang nangyayari sa'yo."
I reached for her hand and squeezed it. "Wala rin naman akong alam na may problema ka."
"Pero..." she sobbed. "I received your call. Wala lang talaga ako sa mood noon kasi nga nagkakaproblema kami sa pera. Hindi ko sinagot."
"Kaisha, please don't be guilty for not answering. I understand you. You were having a hard time." I assured her at tumango naman siya bago punasan ang mga luha.
"Ako naman ay walang matinong rason bakit hindi ko nasagot. Sadyang naglalaro lang ako noon ng online games kasama ang mga pinsan ko." Ari said. "Sorry rin, Nirvana."
Just like what I did to Kai, sinabihan ko rin siyang ayos lang. Ayos na. Dahil nakaraan na. And I was also wrong for depending on them when I am not in a good state. Gusto ko noon na palagi silang handang damayan ako without even thinking that they also have a personal life and personal battle.
"Ayos na." nakahingang pagpapaalam ko kay Ravi nang makapasok ako sa kotse.
"I'm glad to hear that." aniya at binigyan ako ng magaan na yakap. "I told you, it will all be alright."
He maneuvered the car out of the café. Bago umuwi ay dumaan muna kami sa bahay nila para bisitahin si Ana at pakaninin na rin bago niya ako ihatid pauwi. Naglakad na lang kami dahil malapit lang naman ang bahay ko.
"Thank you for today. Ang laking tulong, Rav."
"Anything for you, Nirvana."
Kumaway na ako sa kaniya at naglakad na papasok sa bahay. Steven was nowhere to be seen. Siguro ay kasama niya na naman ang mga kaibigan niya. They didn't lost communication, after all. Kahit nasa States kami ay patuloy pa rin sila sa pag-uusap.
That jerk. Ang sabi ay hindi raw pinapahalagahan ang pagkakaibigan pero atat na atat umuwi para makita at makasama ulit ang mga friends niya.
Bigla akong natawa. All this time, Steven thought that the girls abandoned me that's why I chose to stay in America. He has no idea I was the one who left them.
I decided to reactivate my Facebook account. Ang dating Instagram at Twitter ko kasi ay deleted na noong naroon pa kami sa ibang bansa.
The moment my account was reactivated, agad akong naluha. Bunch of messages welcomed me.
Ang tanga. Hindi ko pala na deactivate ang messenger ko. It was messages from Kai, Ari, Ate Rei, Jia, and... Sera.
Lahat lang naman iyon ay mga tanong kung ano ang nangyari. Nasaan na ako. Kamusta na ba ako. Bakit ako nawala. Lahat ng iyon ay nasagot ko na. Maliban na lamang kay Sera.
Seraphi Guevan
Hoyyyy Nirvanaaa anyare sayo?
Uy bakit ka nawala
May problema ba Nirvana?
You can share it with me
Handa akong makinig
Uyyy ano naaa?
Please answer
I can't find your account sa Facebook
Your insta and twitter was also gone
Seems like you disappear in the world
Asan ka Nirv?
Hi nirvana
I tried contacting your friend, Jia
Tinanong ko siya kung nasaan ka
Kaso sabi niya hindi rin daw niya alam at hinahanap ka rin niya
Paramdam ka naman oh
Miss na kita
Sabi sa amin ng mama mo ay hindi raw niya sasabihin kung nasaan ka ngayon
She said that if you didn't let us know where you are going, then maybe you have no intention on letting us know
I admit, it hurts
You're my friend Nirvana
Sana ay maayos ka lang ngayon
Kumusta ka?
Kumain ka ng maayos
Baka magkasakit ka
Nirvanaaaa
I really miss you
A lot
Your bluntness
Your attitude
Everything about you
I really miss you
Hi nirvana
I message Steven on her ig, Twitter, and messenger
Sadly he didn't reply to my messages
Noong nag scroll ako sa tl niya wala ring gaanong update kung asan ba siya o kayo kasi sabay kayong nawala eh
Saka bigla rin siyang nag private ng accs tapos niremove pa ako as followers and friend
I did a lot of effort already in trying to find you
Nahihirapan na rin ako
Ang daming tanong nirvana
May nagawa ba akong mali?
Nasaktan ba kita?
Tinuring mo ba talaga akong kaibigan?
Were you really genuine when you were with us?
Totoo ba ang mga pinakita mo?
Hirap na hirap na ako Nirvana
This would be my last message to you
Hindi naman nagdedeliver eh
Naka deact ka talaga ata
Wishing that you are doing fine
Mahal kita nirvana
But I already lost hope that you'll comeback again
Goodbye, love
She stopped messaging me four months ago. Hindi ko alam na ganito pala ang naging effort niya. I am not close to my relatives. Neither do Steven. We grew up na si mom lang ang palaging kasama na kadugo.
Sorry, Sera
Sumisikip na naman ang loob loob ko. She was so persistent on finding me. She tried so many ways but it all led to disappointment.
Lumabas ako ng kwarto at tumakbo papunta kay mommy na ngayon ay nasa kitchen at nagluluto.
"Mom! I need your car. Please give me the key." I pleaded.
Out of shock, she pointed at the key above the table. Maybe she went to the grocery kaya nandoon pa rin iyon.
"Thank you, Mom."
"Be safe, Nirvana!" pahabol na sigaw niya.
Noong makasakay ako sa kotse ay agad kong isinaksak ang susi. I am aware that what I am doing is dangerous. Yes, I know how to drive since Aunt Vina taught me when I was in States, but my vision is currently blurry because of the tears. There's a high percentage that I'll be on the hospital any minute now.
Nagpatuloy lamang ako sa pagmamaneho but when I was in front of their village, I got hit by a car. Halos sumubsob ang mukha ko sa manibela. Good thing I was able to regain my balance.
After unfastening the seatbelt, I jumped out and faced the man who was the owner of the car I bumped into.
"Sorry... Sorry, Mister... sorry." paulit-ulit na paumanhin ko.
The man in front of me doesn't have any mercy on her eyes. He was full of madness. Pumunta siya sa harapan ng kaniyang kotse at sinuri ang parte na natamaan.
It was just a minor incident. Gasgas lang naman.
"Pasensya na po talaga."
"What the fvck..." hindi makapaniwalang saad niya. His car is expensive, the reason for his reaction.
He looked at me with a blazing eyes. Kapansin-pansin ang spider bites piercing nito.
"I will report you—" hindi ko na siya pinatapos pa sa pagsasalita at agad akong tumakbo nang makita si Seraphi na nakasakay sa kotse at nagmamaneho palabas ng Village.
"Seraphi! Sera! Sera!" I repeatedly called her name but she couldn't hear me. Patuloy lang ako sa pagtakbo ngunit ang bilis ng sasakyan niya.
My feet wants to give up already, contrary to my body who was still eager to chase her.
"Seraphi!"
This feels like a never ending chase. Pagod na pagod na ang mga paa ko.
You left me with no choice, Sera.
Mas binilisan ko pa ang pagtakbo at nang makalapit kahit kaunti sa kaniya ay inalis ko ang suot-suot na doll shoes, forcefully throwing it to her car that produced a thud sound.
Napaupo ako sa daan at napahawak sa ulo. Catching my breath. When I veered my sight on her car, it stopped and the driver's door opened.
She finally noticed me