⚠️TW/ eating disorder⚠️
jisung took a deep breath, debating what to say.
"because...my body rejects the food." jisung said quietly.
"what do you mean?" felix was genuinely confused.
"i go so long with out eating and then end up overeating when i finally do eat and my body rejects it. i throw it all up and normally pass out. but the passing out happens at other times too. random times. i'm used to it." jisung smiled.
"what?" hyunjin stood behind them, tears in his eyes.
"hyunjin-"
"i'm sorry i didn't mean to eavesdrop. i should've left but i can't unhear what you just said." hyunjins tears started falling, along with jisung and felix's.
"it's okay. you two are my best friends." jisung smiled, opening his arms.
he was immediately engulfed by his two best friends. jisung sobbed violently in their arms, feeling gross for the thing he just admitted to them. jisung mind wasn't a good place. and he hated talking about it out loud.
he hated opening up about how he was really feeling. so he opted to always putting a smile on his face. always trying to keep everyone around him happy. and now he's the reason his two best friends were crying? he hated it.
being vulnerable made him feel gross.
it made him want to claw his skin off.
"everything okay?" chan asked, stepping off the bus. everyone had spent the past few minutes watching the three cry, very confused as to what was happening outside the bus.
"yep." jisung smiled. "let's get on the bus now."
everyone got back on the bus, letting it take them to the city.
"hyung!" jisung smiled. his red, swollen eyes landed on minho. he took a seat next to him, ready to bother him.
"what do you want?" minho groaned.
"hmmm an iced americano." jisung nodded.
"what?" minho looked at him in utter disbelief.
"i was kidding." jisung laughed. "i don't want anything in particular, just talking to you."
"so you do want something, to talk to me." minho pointed out.
"meh." jisung shrugged.
"go away." minho rolled his eyes.
"why?" jisung asked.
"because i hate you." minho glared at him.
"why?" jisung asked again.
minho froze for a second, unsure of what to say. he didn't want to be honest, not at all so he brushed it off. "because."
"why?" jisung asked annoyingly.
"can you not be so fucking annoying?" minho groaned.
"why?" jisung asked once again.
"i'm going to kill you."
"why?"
"do you actually want to die?"
"why?"
"because i'm GOING TO KILL YOU." minho yelled at him.
"....why?"
"i'll seriously kill you."
"hey, it's either you or i'll have to take matters into my own hands." jisung laughed to himself, but minho wasn't amused.
"how do you want to die?"
"hmmmm...nothing too messy. i want to look pretty. maybe drowning?" jisung nodded.
"...you're twisted."
"and you're not? you're the psycho, threatening to kill me."
"who said it's a threat?"
"be. my. guest." jisung said, inching closer to minhos face with every word.
"you have to seconds to back up."
"or what?"
"you're dead. one...two."
"i'm still alive." jisung said cockily.
minhos eyes flickered down to jisungs lips, back up to his eyes. he mentally screamed at himself to move away, but he couldn't. he was frozen there.
"i'll strangle you."
"i thought i said i wanted to be drowned."
"i don't care what you want."
"then why ask?"
"so i know what not to do."
"you're still giving me the pretty and mess free part." jisung pointed out.
"your eyes are really swollen." minho suddenly pointed out.
"don't change the subject. why haven't you killed me yet? coward." jisung was taken aback, but kept up nonetheless.
"i..." minho was truly stuck. he had no idea what to say, which is a first for him. it could be the close proximity with the person he hates, or jisungs sudden change of trying to get him to warm up to hi. that had him truly speechless.
"you...?" jisung teased.
"god JUST KISS ALREADY." hyunjin screamed.
"oh god no." minho finally spoke, pushing jisung away from him. jisungs body fell back but he didn't get back up.
i don't want to kiss him either but did he have to say it like that? am i that revolting?
"...ji?" felix laid down across from him, looking in his eyes.
jisung tried to sit up, but that familiar feeling hit him. he became nauseous. everything was spinning as he lost touch with his senses. his body hit the bench again, sending everyone into a panic.
felix and hyunjin mostly panicked because everyone now knew one of the things jisung had desperately begged them to keep a secret. but that became the least of their worries when his unconsciousness lasted for more than a minute. they started freaking out, trying to calm everyone else down.
jisung regained consciousness, looking around at everyone and simply closed his eyes again.
"ji, you can't run from it now." felix sighed.
"yeah i can." jisung mumbled.
"what just happened? are you okay?" chan asked.
"yeah. it happens a lot, i'm used to it." jisung answered simply.
"you can't go on tonight. this keeps happening." felix sighed.
"it was happening when i joined as changbins replacement too. but i still practiced day and fucking night. do you know how many sleepless nights i went through just to try and fucking prove myself?" jisung snapped. "it's just something that happens, i'm okay. i really do thank you for your concern but you are not stopping me from performing. being on that stage is the one place i feel free."
"jisung..." felix frowned.
"i was pulling all nighters. getting three hours max of sleep every night the entire month prior to the start of tour. i skipped my meds because i simply forgot about them. i worked my ass off perfecting every song this band has ever fucking written because i wanted to make you guys proud. i didn't want to keep making mistakes. and when i did make a mistake i was yelled at. every. fucking. time. so don't. don't tell me i'm not performing. i never want to hear those words again." jisung let out the tears he'd been holding back, being pulled into felix's embrace.
"i'm sorry. i'm so sorry." felix whispered.
jisung took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.
everyone was truly at a loss for words. they didn't expect jisung to snap, especially because he always walked around with his heart shaped smile on full display.
"whyd you push yourself so hard?" hyunjin asked, holding back tears as he wrapped his arms around jisung and felix.
"because i wasn't good enough. i'm not good enough."
"no. you're absolutely wrong. you were accepted immediately because you're the best. you may not see it, but you're doing so well jisung. we're all so proud of you." hyunjin said, making jisung sob.
"we love you and we're proud of you hyung!" jeongin came throwing himself at jisung.
all the boys joined in agreement, starting a group hug.
minho just sat there, guilt eating him alive.
a/n: things are only going to get messier😈