thanks for reading! just a quick author's note as this story continues to gain traction...
this story is considered lolita-esque, but is NOT at all romanticizing or condoning the actions within this book.
this story is about an unprofessional, inappropriate and extremely wrong relationship/love story between a 13-14 year old girl and her teacher.
with that being said, it is much like a novel "My Dark Vanessa" if any of have you have read/heard of that book, this is very much in the same vein. not condoning or romanticizing the love, but very much just giving perspective to it and how complicated love can be.
just to reiterate, he is grooming her, he is a pedophile. there will be repercussions to this.
please vote and comment! this story is still ongoing!!
xoxo
The day that followed moved slowly, incredibly slowly. I didn't leave my room for the rest of the night and I think my parents tried to question what was wrong with me but ultimately just left me alone to "sleep". In actuality, I was doing my best to sleep while trying to rid myself of his touch, his words, his voice, his tongue. I've been pondering what he said numerous times yesterday about whether or not I'm actually doing this.
I still haven't figured that part out. My fingers have been hovering over the 'send' button as I debate whether or not to text Bianca and Hayden. My text doesn't give anything away. At least, not this version. I've written and re-written it a thousand times, and finally settled on, "Can we talk?"
Straight and to the point. I don't think they'd respond if I sent them anything more.
Something still holds me back from reaching out to them. Whether it be shame or embarrassment, something in between or something far worse. I still want him. And I know that won't change for a good, long while. He made me his in almost every way and some sick twisted piece of me still wants him to take that which has not yet been claimed.
God, I'm a fucking idiot.
How could I have believed him when he said there was no one else? Of course there was. And why wouldn't there have been? I actually thought I was different, that I was special? What a fucking joke. To allow myself to even entertain that thought was pure idiocy and I can't believe I let it get that far.
His texts and voicemails have become more and more concerning and I worry that if I hear one more recording of him sobbing into his phone and pleading for me to respond that I may just give in. I can't bring myself to block him though, and that's why I need someone to hold me accountable. I need someone else to know about this - all of it - to hold me back from letting him in to hurt me once again.
I send the text.
Within five minutes, both of them have responded with varying degrees of enthusiasm.
Of course babe, I know a lot has been going on with you lately. I'm free to talk whenever
What did he do?
My lips pull up into somewhat of a smile at Hayden's question. I love Bianca, but Hayden and I have known each other since we were six and she still knows me like the back of her hand, which is what made her leaving all the more painful.
I can tell you more about it later, but right now I just can't be alone. Not now. Are you guys free?
Their silence stretches on long. Too long. Just as I'm beginning to give up and assume their broken shunning of me was too good to be true, their responses almost bring tears to my eyes.
Of course, Iris
Right now?
Within an hour, I'm back in Bianca's room and it's almost like I never left. Like there wasn't a month-long absence between my two lives. Almost like I don't feel like I've aged ten years in this short span of time.
"So, how have you guys been?" I awkwardly start after her mom shuts the door, sealing us away in our secrecy. I try to ignore the incessecant buzzing of my phone next to me. They both smile wanly, knowingly. Almost like they've aged along with me.
Almost.
"Well, Kevin dumped me," Hayden starts in, and I frown even though I had seen that coming from a mile away.
"I'm sorry to hear that," I say honestly. To be perfectly honest though, I'm happy to hear anything about their lives right now. Literally anything. The good, the bad, the ugly. I've missed them more than they could ever know.
"Eh, it's fine. He was kind of an idiot. Besides, I've been talking to someone else," She blushes and Bianca glances over at me with a wicked smile on her face.
"You remember Ethan?" She smiles giddily and for a moment I feel my stomach drop. I try not to let my smile falter.
"Uh...yeah? I introduced you guys," They clear their throats awkwardly at this but I shake it off, "Is that who you're..."
"No! No way!" For some reason, and I'd rather not think about why, I feel my shoulders slacken, "His friend, remember the one I was talking to that night?" She's staring at me so expectantly, I can't possibly disagree even though I know without a doubt I have no clue who she's referring to.
"Well, yeah, anyway. His name is Bryce and he's super sweet. Much better than Kevin ever was," I nod along, suddenly realizing in that moment how not invested I was in their lives for the past few months.
"That's great," I muster a smile, but she sees right through it.
"Alright. Now why are you really here?" Bianca cuts to the chase and I gulp, glancing innocently between them.
"I just want to talk to you guys. Really,"
"Iris, I love you, but you haven't wanted to talk to us for months. Not since him," I try to ignore the way Hayden grimaces at the thought of him.
"You can tell us what happened. We actually want to hear about it," Bianca notes and I hear the back-handededness in her comment but try to move past it.
"He just...he lied. Big time," They stare back at me, faces of poker, not clueing me in at all to what they might be thinking, hinting at me to continue.
"And it's something I can't get over. It changes everything,"
"I mean, obviously we're happy to hear this. But what was it that he lied about that was different from anything he's done previously?"
"What do you mean by that?" They share a look and I'm reminded of how much they must've talked about me, about all of this, in the time we've been apart.
"Just that...you know. He's done some pretty bad shit. I mean this entire thing is based off a lie. I just don't see why-"
"What entire thing? My relationship, you mean?" I snap and they both slightly flinch, "Sorry. It's just...you can't say stuff like that," They nod silently, seemingly understanding or at the very least, faking it.
"What did he lie about?" Bianca asks calmly, getting us back on track.
"He...he always made it a point to tell me I was the only one. I was the only girl he had done this with," they both blink at me in silence. Only then do the words sink in. Only then do I realize what a fool I've been.
"Oh my god," I choke on my own breath, a sob threatening to escape, "Oh my god, I've been so stupid," Bianca rushes to my side, wrapping her arm around me as I bury my face in my knees.
"No, you're not, and don't say that. He's a creep and we should've done more to stop you," My eyes meet Hayden's at this as she shakes her head, reading my mind.
"There's nothing we could've said that would've changed anything," she mumbles, and I stay silent as her words fall over the three of us, "What's done is done. Now, what do we do from here on out?" Her voice is surprisnlgy calm but I can tell there's red-hot rage bubbling jsut around the surface. She hates him.
"I...I really don't know," I sniffle, defeated.
"We have to tell someone," Bianca speaks up and my eyes shoot to her, panic rising up immediately.
"N-no!" She stares at me bewildered, "We're not telling anyone anything," I decide, wiping my nose.
"You've gotta be kidding me, you're still protecting this guy?" Hayden snaps and I shake my head emphatically.
"I'm not...that's not what I'm doing but I-"
"But you what? Why can't we go to the school about this?"
"The school? We should be going to the police!" Bianca pipes up as they begin debating this amongst each other and I feel like I'm slipping on ice, falling underneath the freezing water, hearing their voices through thick layers of frost, letting them decide my fate for me.
"Enough! We're not telling anyone anything. We're letting this go," Their narrowed eyes train on me, but they don't interrupt me, "He has a family. A wife. His job. I can't just..." As I look up, I can tell they're not buying into this, "It's gonna affect me, you guys. I don't wanna get more wrapped up in this than I already have,"
They're still silent, internally debating what I'm insinuating.
"I just want this to blow over. I don't wanna think about him anymore, I don't want him to take up any more of my time, of my life. It's over. I want it to stay that way." I beg of them and Hayden just shakes her head while Bianca looks like she symphatesis.
"I don't like it," Hayden crosses her arms. "I mean what he did is illegal, Iris. We're 13, we're young enough to be his children," That reminder stings a little more every time.
"I don't know, Hay. If it's what she wants...if she wants to just let this go...maybe we should?"
"You can't be serious,"
"I'm not sure about anything...but if she's saying she wants it to be over, maybe that's what we should do," I sigh in relief at her words.
"I know it's a lot to ask. And I'm not saying I would never want to report him but..." As soon as I say those words out loud I know I would never actually go through with that. No matter where I go in life, and what paths life takes me on...he's going to be with me forever, that much is true.
"Jesus, is that him?" Hayden asks, and just then is when I notice my phone buzzing again, notification after notification streaming in, his name popping up over and over again. I nod, my hands shaking as I grab my phone, scrolling through the endless stream of texts and missed calls and voicemail notifications.
"What does he want?" Bianca questions, her face beyond horrified.
"Me." I state simply, my eyes glazing over text after text of him saying he doesn't know how to live without me...why won't I answer him...don't I miss him too...he can explain...he needs me...he'll die without me...
I throw my phone down at that one, tears threatening to spill out once more.
"I want to do whatever you want," Hayden confirms, "But how are we supposed to go on after this? How are you supposed to be in his class...see him everyday? It hasn't even been one day and he's already acting like this. How the hell is he gonna act a week from now, a month from now?" She brings up a valid point, and I simply don't know what the next step is. All I know is that I had to end it.
"You should drop out of his class," Bianca recommends and I shake my head at the thought.
"No, I'm just gonna stick it out,"
"What do you mean? We have to be in his class 'till June. How are you gonna manage seeing him every single day after you two..." She cuts herself off, not knowing how to finish that sentence.
"I can do it. I'll just...ignore him," Hayden rolls her eyes as I wrap my arms further around myself. I can do that. I can ignore him. Keep both our lives intact.
No problem.
—
And ignore him I did try.
I barely attend class anymore and even when I do, I'm showing up late or popping in my earbuds and taking a nap for the entire period. He obviously doesn't say or do anything as he knows what would happen if he tried to call me out on any of it. It's been about a week since I cut him out of my life and as I feel the weight of his presence growing lighter every day, I can tell he's only getting worse. He's stopped shaving, he doesn't seem to be showering but even if he is it's not obvious.
He barely engages with the class anymore and when he does, it's brief and he can't stop staring at me. I'm trying my best to act like everything is normal but I should've known better. My friends were right. Staying in his class and blocking him from my life was never going to go easily.
Still.
Part of me can't imagine not seeing him everyday. It breaks me up inside watching him fall apart. Hearing him call my name after class as I shuffle out with the rest of my peers, trying and failing to ignore him. Getting wisps of his scent as he trails by me, him probably trying to capture any essence of my own. Watching his hands as he types on his computer, imagining what he used to do to me with them. Feeling his lips against my neck, on my own while I watch him drone on about something even he isn't interested in.
He's falling apart at the seams and it's only a matter of time before someone notices. Someone meaning the school. And it's not gonna be pretty when they do.
—-
As Bianca and I shuffle along to first period, I get the sense that she wants to ask me something. I'm trying to walk as slowly as possible to put off being in that class, and she doesn't seem to be in much of a rush either.
"You really need to do something about Mr. Ryder," She blurts just as we're approaching the building and I scoff, halting my steps.
"And by something, you mean..."
"I don't know. Something. Anything. He's being ridiculous. Either you need to drop out or..."
"Or what, exactly?" I take a step closer, daring her to continue. She's silent, however, as she glances between me and the building. "What can I do? I did the right thing. I left him. I thought you guys would've been happy with that," I snap and she gulps slightly, looking down at her Converse.
"Iris...you need to go to the school about him," I roll my eyes, saying nothing as I turn back to the building, actually preferring to go into his class than stand here and have this conversation. She rushes after me, grabbing my elbow and stopping me.
"Get your hand off me," I growl, and the menacing tone in my voice and the look in my eye must have been enough for her to back off because within another second, she's let go. I huff for a second, pinching the bridge of my nose as I try to gather my thoughts.
"I...I know it's not what you want to do. But is this really better? For you, for anyone?" She questions timidly and I sigh, seeing her point but unable to accept it.
"This isn't gonna ever end. Not until he gets you back. You get that, right?" I look back into her eyes, only now realizing how glossy my eyes are.
Blinking back tears, I choke out, "I can't, don't you get that?" She blinks back at me, unsure what to say.
"I just...I can't do that to him. It's not just Michael who gets affected by this, it's me too. And you," Her eyes go wide at this, "Do you really wanna be looked at as the friend of the girl who got one of the best teachers in school fired?" I realize I'm unfairly displacing blame on her, but at this point, I don't know what else to do. I can't turn him in, I just can't.
"Don't try to rope me in on this. This was your choice, not ours," She snaps back, getting in my face, "It was your dumb mistake to like him back that got you in this mess, and if he gets caught it's gonna be because of you, not me," I go still at her words, never having been spoken to so honestly by her in my life. Her face softens as what she just said starts to sink in.
"I'm sorry, Iris, I didn't-" I shoulder past her, making my way upstairs to his room.
The tardy bell rings as soon as I reach the top of the stairwell, and the same security guard who has given me a tardy pass for that past week is standing outside his room, almost like she's waiting for me. I roll my eyes as she makes her way towards me with that oh-so familiar smirk on her face.
"I was thinking you were gonna make it today, Iris." The smirk resides on her face as she scans my ID and a tardy pass prints out of the little machine she carries along with an iPad. Glad our school is investing in the real things that matter. Sarcasm intended.
"When the day comes, I'll be as shocked as you'll be," I half a smile at her. She's not a bad woman - just doing her job. Still a bitch for giving me tardy slips everyday, but hey, what am I if not a bitch?
"Everything alright? Heard you and your friend yelling at each other down there?" She stops me before I open the door, and I silently thank her for that. Any second that I can spend not in that class, the better.
"Oh yeah, everything's fine. She'll be needing a tardy pass, too." I note, glancing at Bianca as she emerges from the top of the stairs. She looks almost scared as Kim asks her for her ID. B looks to me as if she wants to say something but I turn away before she can.
Mr. Ryder's eyes flicker up to mine for a moment and then to the tardy pass in my hand - well, the one that was in my hand. Now it's being tossed into the trash can next to me as I make my way over to my seat. Some of the students snicker at this and others try to pound my fist as I walk by but I just ignore them, taking one earbud out and immediately resting my face on my hands.
He doesn't question the lost tardy pass but does ask for Bianca's as she enters. She glances over at me but I quickly look away, not wanting her to think that I didn't give mine to Ryder. After she takes her seat and Ryder programs her tardy into the website, class resumes to whatever we were doing before which I guess was watching a movie on some small battle we went through on our march to independence. Could use some of those tactics in my own life.
I notice Hayden, Bianca's and Ethan's eyes on me so instead of dealing with that or Michael possibly pulling me out of class for the millionth time this week, I elect to pop both earbuds in, lie my head down on my arms and attempt to get some much-needed sleep.
I'm awoken by Ethan nudging me gently and I sleepily smile at him in thanks that it wasn't Michael who woke me up. Quickly, I pull my things together, trying to get out with everyone else and not be the last one in here.
---
"Iris! You mind hanging back a second?" He calls my name for the fifth time this week and as I ignore him and make my way toward the door as I have everyday this week, Ethan gets in my way.
"Aren't you gonna go to Mr. Ryder?" His eyebrows crumple up in confusion and my heart drops. Of all people, why is he suddenly being the teacher's pet? My eyes trail back to Michael's expectant ones and I can tell he's broiling inside just looking at Ethan talking to me.
"Right, yeah," I force a smile and he grabs my wrist gently before I can turn around completely.
"I'll wait outside for you, I got something to ask," His tone seems normal enough but I can tell by the look in his eyes that he's onto me. Shit. I nod once, making my way back to Michael's desk, praying some students lag so I don't get stuck here. His eyes trail all over me, almost like he's never seen me before.
"What was he saying to you?" He keeps his voice low but I'm still shocked he would ask this with other kids in the room. I scoff and cross my arms over my chest.
"That's actually none of your business," I sense someone's head turning in our direction so I clear my throat and unfold my arms, "If you must know, he was telling me to come talk to you," I make my move toward the door but he springs forward, grabbing my wrist before I can. Notably, not as gently as Ethan did just moments before.
I pull my wrist out of his grip before anyone can notice and as I do, the last kid makes their way out of the room, leaving me in the last place I wanted to be today.
"Just...just hear me out a second, okay?" he pleads, his shaky hands going to his hair.
"Why should I?" I snap and his hands drop to his sides, obviously not expecting to hear that.
"Do I mean nothing to you? Don't you even read the texts I send you?" at my silence, he paces away before slamming his fist down onto his desk, causing me to flinch away. "Goddammit, baby. When are you gonna understand how crazy I am about you?" Looking at him now - at him pacing around like a caged animal, his frantic hands running through his messy hair, his eyes wild, bloodshot and looking completely hungover - I do see it.
"I'm not talking about this right now with you," I make my move towards the door again but he blocks the way, "Get out of my way, Michael," I keep my eyes toward the door but I can sense him wanting to touch me.
"Look at me, baby,"
"Stop calling me that," I huff, and within a second, his fingers are under my chin, tugging my face up to look at his.
"Don't touch me," I move my face out of his grip but maintain eye contact. His stare is so intense that I almost forget why I'm mad at him.
Almost.
"Stop calling me out. People are gonna notice something is up eventually," I state callously and he just shakes his head as I turn on my heel to go.
"Iris, please, just wait-"
"I've heard enough. If you can't handle this I'm gonna drop out and you'll never see me again. Is that what you want?" I spit at him, maintaining level eye contact with him, the harsh look in my eyes never wavering for a moment even though I can feel my walls crumbling ever so slowly from within.
"Baby, you don't understand. There is no living without you. I'm lost without you. Please, if you'd just let me explain-"
"I'm done listening," Hoping he doesn't hear the break in my voice or the cracking of my heart, I swiftly make my way out of the room, clutching my books to my chest, praying I don't drop them and have to spend a second longer in this room.
He doesn't try to follow me.
As I race out of the class, I competley forget that Ethan is waiting outside for me as I speed past him. He grabs my arm gently and my pack falls off my shoulder as I come to an abrupt stop.
"So-sorry. Is everything okay?" I move to pick up my backpack and as I do our eyes meet and his go wide. "You're crying. What the hell happened in there?" He questions, his attention moving back toward Michael's door. He looks like he's about to go say something before I stop him.
"No, it's nothing. Just a bad grade on a test," I know I'm being a terrible liar as I try to wipe away the tears streaming down my cheeks but he doesn't look like he wants to leave me in this state.
"Do you...do you wanna skip class? Talk about it?" My heart almost caves in at the look in his eyes, at the kind offer, at his warm hand softly pressing into my shoulder.
"As much as I'd love to, my parents would kick my ass if I skipped any more class this year," he nods forlornly as we make our way down the hall, his arm wrapped around my shoulder. I glance back once behind us as we reach the stairs, and Michael's staring daggers into Ethan's back. He almost makes a move to follow us down the hall but we're turning the corner and out of his line of sight before he gets the chance to consider doing something so stupid.
"Well, if there's anything you need, anything at all-"
"I know where to find you," I force a smile in his direction and he goes to wipe away the tears from my face. Just as he does so, Bianca and Hayden run up to meet us and I move ever so slightly out of his grip, trying not to see if Ethan noticed.
"Hey you two," Bianca greets as Hayden's wide eyes signal to me that we're gonna talk about this later.
"I guess that's my cue," Ethan bows out, looking back to me once more, "I mean it. Anything you need," He smiles again and my heart almost shatters for what feels like the tenth time today.
"What was that all about?" B questions, only then noticing my glossy eyes, "What did Ryder want?" She deadpans, and I just shake my head.
"I'm not really sure, but I also really don't care," Saying the words out loud feels wrong and I know I don't mean them, but maybe if I speak it into existence enough it will start to feel real.
"I can't believe you don't want to press charges," Hayden mumbles and I just elbow her in the stomach and she shuts up, rolling her eyes.
"Thank you guys for sticking with me," I wrap my arms around both their shoulders, pulling them in close.
"You made a mistake. Doesn't make you a bad person. You're still our Iris," Bianca beams over at me and I can feel my heart lifting slightly at her words.
"You're gonna be okay. You're gonna forget about him, and we're gonna culminate and be fricking high schoolers soon. By this summer you're not even gonna remember Mr. Ryder's name," Hayden smiles as we take our seats and as much as her words hurt, I really hope she's right.