Last night was a blur after Yeji arrived. I couldn't control my feelings. Why did she have to come and act like that? She just made my feelings for her get stronger.
"Ahhh!!" I scream into my pillow while kicking my feet in the air.
"What happened?" Soobin knocks on my bedroom door.
He came over today to see me because he's been busy so we haven't gotten a chance to catch up with each other. Even after he broke up with Yeji, he's been consistently sending me texts asking how I'm doing. He knows that Yeji rejected me and he feels bad.
Oddly enough though, he's one of the few people or probably the only person who's encouraging me not to give up on Yeji. He says give her time and she will come around. I'm not sure why he's so confident.
"I'm coming in so you better be dressed" he says when I don't answer him.
He opens the door and I don't care since I am dressed. He really became a brother I didn't know I wanted or needed.
"What's going on with you?" He ask.
"Yeji. That's what's going on with me. She came here last night being all heroic then my heart was like save me save me like a pathetic little bitch that it is" I exaggerate.
He laughs and approaches me on my bed to grab my hands to pull me up, "Get up. You're supposed to be hanging out with me, not sulk in your bed. You get to hang out with the one and only Soobin, the model and you're wasting it."
"You might be Soobin, the model in other people's eyes but you're just Soobin, the giant to me" I tease.
"Fine, hang out with the giant then. I don't know when we will be able to hang out like this for a while since I'm gonna be booked" he says.
"Do you think Yuna will be alright being a model?" I get up to head out to the living room while he follows.
"Yeah, why?" He ask.
"I'm worried that she's gonna work too much and she won't have time to take care of her health" I share my concerns.
"She has people like you and Chaeryeong who will make sure she's healthy so I'm not worried. It's a tough industry with so many restrictions and it can take a toll on you mentally but I have confidence in her. She's a natural. I've seen it myself. She will do great because she's talented but also because she has an amazing support system."
I appreciate him saying. I'll make sure to always check on Yuna and let her know I'm there for her.
"You brought food?" I ask while looking at the table in the living room.
"Yea, I'm not rude to come over to someone's house empty handed" He acts offended.
"Thank you" I smile at him.
"Are you still feeling sick though? I'm not sure what to give sick people so these are just things my grandma made" he says.
"You didn't have to do this" I say.
"Why not? What kind of brother would I be if I didn't do this. I brought enough for the other three too" he refers to my roommates.
Yuna is at training again since it's Sunday. Jisu and Chaeryeong are out on a date, again. They offered to stay home but I told them that Soobin is coming over anyways so I won't be alone.
He serves me food which I awkwardly accept. I've never had a man take care of me like this except for Mr. Lee but I don't count him as a man because he's just papa Lee to me.
"So what happened last night that you're screaming today" he sits down.
I share with him about what happened with Minju and how my mom showed up then Yeji coming making my heart go crazy.
"Damn, you have it bad for her" he chuckles.
"I'm glad you find this situation amusing" I roll my eyes.
"Good news is she still cares about you. She's not completely thrown off with the fact that you have feelings for her. She rushed to get to you when she found out your mom was with you. That says a lot" he says.
"What does it say?" I ask not understanding.
"I don't know either" he laughs.
"You suck" I say.
"What do you wanna do then?" He suddenly ask.
I think back to the rest of last night after Yeji pretty much told my mom to fuck off unless she's ready to stand up for us against my dad.
My mom was shocked to see someone talk to her the way Yeji did. She couldn't argue with anything Yeji was saying. She did make a good point that wanting a relationship with me is not enough if she can't go against my dad.
My mom left last night, probably feeling hurt but there's nothing I can do. I can't take that chance with the high possibility that my dad will get violent, not only to me but to Yuna too.
"What is there to do? I can't force her to like me" I say.
"So you're giving up? I'm not saying force her but show her that maybe loving you wouldn't be the worst thing in the world" he states.
"You couldn't say that in a different way?"
He laughs again and I'm ready to punch his cute face, "Don't be so serious all the time. I believe things will work out in the end."
"Are you just saying that because you feel bad for breaking her heart? So you're wanting us to be together?" I ask.
"I do feel bad for breaking her heart but I'm not rooting for you because of that. Yeji and I have been dating for a while before she met you. I was her first boyfriend, her first love and things were great. But then she met you and things started changing between us. What I said was true, I can't give her my all but it also applies to her. She can't give me her all because something is holding her back. I believe that something is you" he pauses to take a deep breath.
"When you two started getting to know each other, you're all she talked about with me. Ryujin is so like this and like that. I think she harbored feelings for you that she can't quite understand yet. It's hard to accept that the person you thought you loved so much can be replaced by someone you just met. She's probably having a hard time coping with that."
"I'm not trying to give you false hopes or anything. I may be wrong" he quickly adds.
"Then how are you okay with all of this? Why are you supporting us to be together? How are you not mad at me? Or her?" I ask.
"It hurts. It wasn't easy to let Yeji go. I really loved her and I still love her but I'm not blind to see that I was losing her. I'm still hurting and I miss her a lot but I just tell myself that this is for the best. If I stay then it will hurt more in the end. And I can't be mad because it just means that Yeji and I aren't meant to be."
"You can be mad that I developed feelings for her instead of trying to support us" I say.
"I told you before, how can I get mad when you did nothing wrong? Falling for someone is not a crime. Falling for someone that's already taken is not a crime. You can't help it. Breaking them up is the bad thing but you never did that. You never tried to put a wedge between us" he smiles.
"I wanted to get to know you because I wanted to know why Yeji became interested. What did you have that I didn't? It's not that I wanted to compare myself to you and make myself come out better but I was just genuinely curious. There's something about you that draws people in. It makes everyone want to open up to you even if they don't know you. You comfort people with just your presence."
"Soobin, you shouldn't give Yeji up because of that. You deserve to be happy too" I look down.
"I will be. Don't worry about that. I wouldn't have let Yeji go if I knew I would never be happy again. But just keep being you around Yeji."
"Soobin, don't you feel betrayed at all? If what you're claiming is true about Yeji changing her feelings once she met me then why aren't you mad?"
"That's why I got to know you. I wanted to see what about you that made her change how she feels about our relationship. Yes, I would have been mad if she developed feelings for some asshole but it's you. Even I can't help but form a friendship with you."
"Then that's probably what she wants too. A friendship" I say.
"At first, yea probably but it might not be the case now" he says.
I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I feel good to hear that Yeji might have feelings for me but I don't want to believe it then in the end it's not true.
"What would Yeji see in me though? Look at you, you're so understanding and sweet and caring and you have those dimples" I pout.
"You're all of those too. You have your dimples too. It's not what Yeji sees in you. It's what she feels when she's with you. I've seen her when we hung out together. She feels so comfortable around you."
Why does Soobin have to be so great? I'm happy that him and I became friends but I'm still feeling guilty that he gave up his relationship with Yeji.
"If you ever need a kidney, I'll help you out" I randomly say.
"What?" He laughs.
"To pay you back for being this kind to me. I can't offer much but I can offer you an organ or two if you need it" I explain.
"I appreciate that but your friendship is enough for me. Just keep remembering, big brother Soobin is here for you" he stops laughing and just smiles at me.
After we finish eating, we just played video games until he had to go home. I never thought I'd become closed friends with a guy like this.
I then think about what if Yeji really is confused but may actually have feelings for me? Would I be stupid for thinking that's a possibility? But then again what if she really doesn't have feelings for me, am I ready to face that fact?
I've never been in a situation where I should step up and show her that being with me could be a good thing. I've never initiated anything to form a relationship. I'm not used to this. I'm used to people telling me were together and I just agree.
What would Chaeryeong tell me right now if she was here?
I think she will tell me to take things slow and don't get ahead of myself. I guess I should wait. If Yeji and I are meant to be then it will happen but that's impossible if no one makes a move.
Nothing naturally happens, something has to occur for things to go into place.
I think about being friends with Yeji. Would I be able withstand seeing her with someone else if she decides she has no feelings for me and starts dating other people?
I lay in bed and I fall asleep in tears because I feel so overwhelmed with all these emotions and uncertainties. I don't know what to do.