playlist for this chapter
kiss with a fist - Florence and the machine
smack a bitch - rico nasty
queen - shawn mendes
I grab my diary from my bed and sigh. It's almost done, I've written so much since spring. This diary is full of everything. Secrets, gossip, rage, tears, and things I've never said out loud. Mainly it's about how I grew up and how jealous I am of everyone around me.
Writing makes everything better. Easier. It's like talking to a friend who doesn't judge or give an unwanted opinion. Just me and my thoughts, even though I don't even have any. My head is empty. I still have to go and buy a new one. Maybe I'll go this Saturday.
I place it under the mattress, throw some clothes on and start heading toward the dining hall.
I've had so much fun with George Weasley and Lee Jordan. Crazy. It had been sometimes awkward, considering I've hated people like him for a pretty long time and I and his twin brother have been terrorizing each other for almost seven years.
There are also a lot of subjects we can't talk about but so far... I like them. They bring something new out of me, something that's happier and kinder and... sort of sweet. I've learned also a lot. They threw snowballs at the dark lord. They're the reason Ron is afraid of spiders and they want to have their own joke shop and they've been working hard for it.
If anyone ever finds out, I'll avada kedavra myself, but this has been the best week of my life.
And now it's about to end.
"What the fuck is she doing here?" Fred's voice asks behind my back. I turn around and see his furious eyes staring down at me, his hand in a tight fist and his tall figure tensed. "You forgot to mention you've become friends with her." He says and quickly glances at his twin brother.
God this is awkward. I don't want to move but I am not in the mood to have some sort of fight with Fred Weasley. We all just sit there in silence, awkwardly staring at the table.
The worst part is that because of Fred, I lost my appetite. It's such a shame because we have cheesecake for dessert. And I fucking love cheesecake.
"I'll just..." I say and stand up but George's quick words stop me from moving further.
"Sit down, don't bother. Fred, I can talk to anyone I want to. Sit down and eat".
Fred sits at the table, his angry eyes glaring down at me. Oh man, he is pissed. Usually, I'd think this is funny but to be honest I've sort of grown fond of George. He is nice. Sweet.
And Lee Jordan is one of the funniest people I've ever met.
"Carmen here has never seen a quidditch game, did you know that Fred?" Lee says.
"Yep, I am aware of that," Fred says. His tone is cool and calm but I know he's pissed.
"How do you know that?" I quickly ask after realizing he's noticed I've never seen a match.
A small blush creeps on his cheeks when he quickly shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders. "gossip" he says slowly, eyes on his food. "People wonder what are you doing while everyone is gathered to see the matches."
"Did you know that she has pissed in Draco's shampoo bottle, thrown horse shit into out favorite professor's window, and has sent hundreds of threatening letters to the ministry of magic?"
Fred quickly laughs but even faster covers the laugh with a cough, trying to pretend he didn't laugh. He looks up at me, as in trying to say that this is not over.
I nod. He is right, the show is about to start.
Weeks are passing by faster than ever. Life is somehow pretty good. I still spend most of my time alone studying at the library which is what I've been doing for the past six years. School is still the number one thing for me, even though I have no idea about what I want to do later in life.
George Weasley spends most of his free time practicing quidditch and working for the prank shop they're going to have in the future. Usually, I eat dinner with him and Lee, and yes, unfortunately, Fred is there. He kicks my feet under the table, I stand on his toes. He pulls my ponytail, I smack his head. He tried to set my bed on fire, I hid his broomstick. He took away most of my clothes, I cut holes into his.
You know, so nothing has changed between us. Even though I hate him from the bottom of my heart he is sort of adorable when he talks about their prank shop. Once he actually caught me smiling at him, but I immediately showed him my middle finger. He has... passion.
It has to be nice to have passion in life. Something that you live for and love to do. Something to wait for, that keeps you going. I've never really cared about anything like that. Nothing has ever excited me before.
Hate is what has been keeping me forward. Hate is a fuel that gives me the strength to move on in life and I miss it. I miss feelings. I don't even hate Fred any more, I am just mainly annoyed. But I would never say it to him, giving up this long feud feels impossible.
Today is a Saturday. I am going to go to Hogsmeade with George and Lee, Fred and Tim and some girl, Angelina, from Gryffindor. I am going to buy myself a new diary since the old one is almost full. I haven't written that much lately considering I've been very busy.
The new diary is my birthday gift for myself. Because I am turning seventeen in two weeks. I don't celebrate my birthday. They at the orphanage did bake me a cake and got small gifts which were nice of course, I am not complaining but that's it.
Nobody in school knows about my birthday and it's better that way.
"Hoghsmade, let's goooo!" I say and ruffle with Geroge's hair. "Do you have something for me?"
"My lady, I have everything you need riiight here." He says and puts his hand in his pocket and smiles widely. "Do you have my sunglasses?"
"You mean.... My sunglasses?" I say and pull out the pair he once borrowed to me. "They fit me better anyway".
"Well hide time and fast, they're actually Fred's."
"Oh," I say and immediately take them off and give them back to him. "I'll just buy my own pair then."
"No fucking way she is joining us." I hear Fred's voice. I quickly swallow the lump in my throat, trying to cover how much that hurt my feelings. I can handle the name-calling, kicking my feet, and hair pulling my hair but saying how unwanted I am, hurts.
"What's your fucking mouth, bitch." I say.
"It's pretty fucking impossible when you're around". He says and walks closer to me. His tall future is quite threatening. I'm not the most petite person on the earth but compared to him I feel so small. So weak. Like I couldn't escape if needed. "Stop harassing my brother, leave us alone."
"I was invited, so maybe it's you who should just fuck off."
"What do you have against my brother? There's no way he's happy to spend time with you!"
"Maybe he's glad he finally had decent company around him, it's pretty hard to grow with a dumb ass little cunt around like you!"
"Oh, so you think that he generally wants...-"
"Oh bite me, you piece of shit!"
"Stop fucking interrupting me, you are so fucking...-"
"I do whatever the hell I want, stop being a little bitch and grow the fuck up!"
"Grow up? I am older than you! You grow up, you're so fucking short it's annoying." He yells with a disgusted look on his ugly stupid face.
"You're just embarrassing yourself...-" I am so tempted with punching him in the face. I want to wipe off that stupid devilish smirk he has when he sees me being frustrated. This is like a sport to him, desperately trying to piss me off.
"Me? What about you, clinging onto my friend, my brother, like they want you around? The only reason you're here is because they pity your sorry ass!" Ouch, that was low. That was too much, this time he hit me where it hurts. I close my mouth and immediately go back to my shell. That was too much. My heart sinks.
"Okay, that's enough." George quickly says and steps between us. "I am done with you two. I don't care how you guys feel about each other, but I've had enough. Fred, she is funny, she is smart and she lets me cheat on her homework. And I let you cheat on mine so basically, we're both cheating from her. And Carmen? We've all hated each other for six years, maybe try to be s little bit nicer to Fred. Both of you should say you're sorry. You've been both acting like little children." His voice is stern and mature. He means it. He's being serious.
"Yeah, I think you should say you're sorry!" Fred says with an evil smile on his face.
I scoff loudly and roll my eyes at him. "You think that I should say I am sorry?" I say and step up closer to him. I am so close I can taste his breath. Gum. Lemon gum to be actually. "It's a good thing you're not getting paid for thinking".
"Okay, let's just fucking go, you're ruining our day," George says and storms off.
Me and Fred Weasley and keep on staring at each other, I can feel his anger under my skin.