TW, mentions of death, mentions of r@pe, 0verd0se, i think that is all i wish you all luck reading this
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It has been a horrible day, starting when the only person who talked to me was Tony. When I got to school, Lex didn't say hi to me in the hall for the first time ever, she just glanced at me and then kept talking to her girlfriend. But, I did get to write my love to Peter which made my day ten times better.
In english we are supposed to write a letter to an parental figure in our lives, which mine just-so-happens to be my traumatizing parents. So when we were instructed this, I wrote my mum, and what she has done to our relationship. I chose this cos my table-mate is Peter who will be proofreading it once I am done.
Why I won't let you in.
(To my mum.)
You made it easy to find you growing up, to access you when I would come home from being with my abusive father. It's funny to me cos he hit you twice, but you still let your daughter be with him when I said that I didn't want to, I was the victim, I came home with bruises, and you let it happen. I didn't realize that me spilling my feelings to you about my abusive father would cost me my own mum and that comfort I used to receive. Convenient, am I disturbing you and your love Lina who choses to ignore me and blame me for your drug problems? I'm sorry that I am disrupting your life when I speak about how I feel and what pain you've let me have growing up? Okay, I will be quiet. We can talk about it later, it can wait, I don't mean to be a burden, I can wait, it's really okay. I will just run to you for comfort when it is more convenient for you. You have been there for me over and over again, but when you find out what has been happening to me since I was a child, you run away. Now, I am expected to be there for you while you heel from this drug addiction that I caused, but where were you when I needed you? You weren't there. So I don't want to be there for you. I found myself looking up on my phone durning class a couple weeks ago, 'Is it okay if I don't love my mum?' The answer was no, because you are the reason I am alive, I am supposed to love you... but you are also the reason that I'm mentally ill, the reason my boyfriend caught me hurting myself, the reason I told my boyfriend I want to die, that I don't want to live. You let this happen, and I know I shouldn't blame you for what happened to me, I should blame Jack, but you let this happen to me. I don't think that I will ever forgive you for that. I won't ever let you in again. At this point I don't even know know if I love you... You make me feel unwanted and unloved. I don't want to let you in anymore.
Sincerely, Y/N
When I finished writing I had to excuse myself to the bathroom considering I was on the verge of tears. I am processing the fact that both of my parents have failed me, they have treated me horribly and now I am so fucking messed up. As soon as I reach the toilet I quickly go into a stall my breathing is picking up so I sit on the toilet and choke out a sob. Hot tears stream down my face I go onto my phone to ask Tony if I can go home cos I know that Li wouldn't reply but instead I see a text from Peter,
Peter: you alright, darling?
Y/N: no i need to go home.
Y/N: can i go to your house?
Peter: yeah i can bring my keys. is it okay if i tell the teacher that this assignment gave you some PTSD and that i need to bring you your stuff? she isn't strict so I'm sure she wont care to much
Y/N: thats okay, thank you
I open the door, go to the sink, and wash my face to clear my eyes. I walk out of the bathroom and towards the classroom. Peter walks out and his face sinks when he sees me, "What's the matter, love?" He passes me my stuff and his keys to his apartment.
I shake my head, "Talk about it later." He then cups my cheek and kisses my forehead, "Thank you, I love you."
"I love you too." He looks at me, "You will be okay? May isn't home." I nod, "Okay, I love you, please tell me if you need anything." He grabs my chin then, kissing my lips quickly. I say bye to him and head out to the parking lot.
I get inside of my car. I turn on Taylor Swift and I began making my way to Peter's house. I don't know what even made me think that it was going to be smart to write about that. It is really shocking realizing that your mum and your dad don't love you and that they think you are a failure and just another chore in their lives... And the most stupid part is through all they've put me through all of this, I am still considering whether I love them or not. They've put me through shit I was raped by my fucking father and I still don't know whether I love him or not. I feel like a horrible person for that.
And no, it's not my mum's fault that these things happened to me, it's not. But it was genuinely so obvious. When I had only known Harry for about three days, he asked if my dad hurt me because of my bruises. I just don't understand how she didn't notice, it's not like I could tell her... That would be so fucking difficult, and it was.
And through all of this, I still love her.
She is my mum, I'm supposed to love her.
Even if I don't I still will have to pretend, imagining the amount of pressure and shit people would give me for saying I don't love her is sickening. She's the one who isn't made to be a mother though. She's the one who kicked me out. I can't love her for that... But I still do, my thoughts are so confusing I don't know if I love her and I should, but I just don't know. I'm so, so confused.
I park my car when I get to his house I look at myself in the rear-view mirror to assure myself that I will be okay and that I don't need to cry cos my parents don't love me and its an inconvenience that I am in their lives.
I get out and I scan so I can get in. I make my way to the stairwell and I go up the four stairs, then I walk to number 12 I unlock the door to find May home which is unexpected. She has a glass of wine and charcuterie board on the coffee table "Peter, why are you home so early? How was your day?" May asks but still looking at her phone.
I set my backpack down, "It's actually me, Peter is still gone." I chuckle.
She turns, "Oh, hey Y/N- Oh, are you okay?" Shit. "Awe, babe, what's the matter?"
This was genuinely quite embarrassing but I literally started crying and I shook my head, "I had to leave cos I realized that I am an inconvenience to my parents." I sit on the couch next to her, "Had a lot of anxiety I had to go and this is the only place I know that I wouldn't be yelled at for saying how I feel."
"Oh no come here ." She wraps her arms around me which makes me cry more. I absolutely love May. "I'm so sorry for you."
I let out a shaky breath, "I just want my mum back." I whisper, "I didn't do anything wrong."
She nods, "I know, I know." I've genuinely never felt this loved by an adult, "It will get better, I am here for you always and we love you, you are always welcome to stay here."
I nod, "Thank you." I sniffle as I pull away from her embrace, "I really needed that." I wipe under my eyes.
She smiles and nods, "Do you want any cheese?"
I shake my head holding back my laugh at the strange topic change, "I think I might go sleep for a little to clear my head, if that's alright?"
"Yeah. Let me know if you need anything." She utters while I stand, I nod and thank her one last time. I walk to Peter's room and I collapsed on his bed falling asleep almost immediately.
I fucking love May.
💐
I feel a wet kiss on my cheek waking me up, "Wake." Peter kisses my eye making me giggle, "Up." He kisses my nose. "Please." He kisses my lips. "I'm home."
I opened my eyes, "How did you get home?" I mumble while stretching my arms out and I look away so I can yawn. "I'm exhausted."
He smiles, "I SpiderMan'd home." He kisses my lips. "May left to go on a date, can I draw us a bath and we can talk about it in there, is that alright?"
I blink remembering the previous events, "Oh, yeah okay." I sit up.
"Okay I'll be in the bathroom." He stands and walks towards the door.
I stand up and run towards him. I grab his hand. I stand up on my tip-toes and press a kiss on my lips. "I love you."
He takes his hand and wipes my lips, "I love you." He then walks away and I am fucking weak in the knees. I hear the bath start and so I follow behind. I get to the bathroom and we both strip off all our clothes, seconds later he steps in, I follow his steps and get inside the warm water as well. I sit in front of him but he asks for me to lay next to him so I do. "What did you write about today?" He asks suddenly.
I sigh, "Why I can't let my mum in, and how I still love both my parents even for the shit they've put me through," I close my eyes, "It just made me frustrated and triggered something, had to go home..."
Peter takes a deep breath, "Do you want to talk about it?" He strokes my cheek. I shake my head immediately. "Okay." Peter and I lay down until his phone starts ringing so we take that as a sign to get out.
I get redressed and Peter with a towel around waist has been staring at his phone not moving. "You alright?' I ask and he slowly nods.
"I think I'm gonna have a quick shower. I'll be out in a minute though." He whispers, and wipes his eyes.
I give him a confused look after brushing through my hair, "You promise you are okay?" I reach for his hand.
"Yeah." He smiles, "I'll be out in a minute." He kisses my cheek. I am still extremely confused but I obey and I leave the room. I walk to their kitchen and I pull out strawberries, I go onto my phone and wait for Peter to come back.
"Do you want to go to dinner with Mr. Stark? He's invited us over." He asks after he finishes getting ready, "Happy just texted me."
I lick my lips, "Sure." I pause then turn to him and change the subject, "Has Lex been weird? Like ever since she and Ayla started dating... She's just been mean to me like I saw her in the halls today and she didn't stop to talk to me, I tried to talk to her but she said, 'I have to get to class,' when the bell had just rang."
Peter agrees, "I'm glad you've noticed too, cos we used to text each other every day and now she doesn't text, and if we do it's me starting it." He then shrugs, "It's weird though... Like it's almost like she's mad or depressed or something because she doesn't even laugh anymore or make the jokes like she used to." He wrinkles his eyebrows, "But that's not unusual because most people avoid their friends when they get into relationships... but it's on accident because Ned talked to me and said that I have been too distant from him, and now we've worked it out and I see him way more than I have in the past... How long have we been together?"
"Four months." I pop a strawberry in my mouth.
"Four months." He nods, "Dunno though, I just hope she is okay cos it's not like we were mean to Ned."
I put the strawberries back into the fridge, "Yeah, I honestly might go to coffee with her and check if she's alright."
Peter then kisses my cheek "Let's go, yeah?" I nod and grab my tote. "We are gonna go to the compound."
"Sounds good, can I drive please?"
Peter wrinkles his eyebrows, "You don't have to ask but go ahead." I grab my keys and we walk out of Peter's house. I feel much better and refreshed. "Hey." Peter stops us once we push open the doors and leave his apartment complex. I look at him, the wind pushing my hair in my eyes, "I love you, you know that, right?"
I wrinkle my eyebrows and nod slowly, "Yeah, I love you too." I search his face in confusion he looks genuinely panicked. "Peter, what's the matter?"
He lightly laughs but I can tell it's fake. "Nothing." He quickly kisses me but then pulls away, "Just wanted to tell you, let's go now." I obliged even though I was still so confused. I get into my car and play One Direction cos I was in the mood for it.
Peter looked extremely nervous the entire ride up. He was drumming his fingers on the door and bouncing his leg up and down. "Looses up, love. You're really tense." I grab Peter's hand. "Peter, tell me what is bothering you."
He sighs, "I'm fine." He holds onto my hand tighter, "I promise." I awkwardly nod.
On the ride up, it was silent and I was coming up with every scenario that could be happening to make Peter this anxious. Once I park and Peter opens my door for me we walk in. Instead of going to the kitchen we go to my room, out on the balcony sits Tony Stark. "Peter, what is going on?" He doesn't reply so I let go of his hand and rush ahead so that I can sit down I've never seen Tony cry, but he has physical tears in his eyes, "What the fuck is going on. Why are you guys acting this way?"
Peter sits next to me and holds onto my hand, "Y/N," Tony starts, "I- uhm... I don't even know how to tell you this." He sits up and straightens out his glasses. I nod for him to go on, "Nat... She was having a hard night, one of the patients had access to medication and she took it... a lot of it and she's... She's passed away." I feel my heart drop, I can't hear anything, and tears sting at my eyes. I can't even breathe. I don't know what to think.
"What?" That is all I can let out. I can't move. I'm in so much shock. I can't think.
Peter pulls me into his arms, I don't hug him back, I can't. "I am so, so, so sorry, darling," Peter whispers. I hear Tony get up and leave. I gulp and choke out a sob and start shaking my head.
This cannot be real.
There is no way.
"No." I mumble, "This isn't real, this isn't real." I feel my breath pick up.
I start letting out rapid breaths, "Breath, babes." Peter's voice is high pitched which means that he is crying, "Shh." He kisses my forehead.
There is no way.
No fucking way.
💐
That night, I fell asleep, crying tears of guilt and sorrow onto Peter. I don't deserve to be loved. I've lost so much, I don't deserve love. Nothing feels real anymore. I miss my mum. I don't even know who my legal guardian is or where I am supposed to go... what I am supposed to do. I don't know anymore.
When I, unfortunately, woke up, I look up and shirtless Peter is next to me with his hand wrapped around me and the other underneath his head. The sun peaking through my curtains makes his face glow. He looks beautiful. I am so, so glad to have him, because I know I wouldn't survive all of this without him.
I close my eyes trying to fall back asleep but I can't I have to many thoughts going through my mind. I reach over and grab my phone to find a million messages of 'I'm sorry for your loss.' But as I scroll, I find a text from Lex for the first time in weeks. I open it cos that is the only one I want to open but it's not what I expect. It says, 'Ayla and I had sex.' and then another, 'Answer, why aren't you answering,' the one from a couple hours later, 'Shit, shit, shit I am so, so fucking sorry babes. I'm so sorry I didn't know when I texted, please text me when you are up, love you always x.' I don't text her, instead I click on the notification I get from Harry the text says, 'Love you. Hope you are okay, please text me if you need anything at all.' I take a deep breath and I stand up leaving Peters arms.
I throw Peter's sweatshirt on and put my hair in a messy bun. I open my door and a bouquet of orange and pink flowers. I pick them up and there is a note on it, a tear rolls down my cheek but I quickly wipe it away. I read the note.
Y/N,
You are loved, and we love you.
Hope you are well, let us know if you need anything at all.
Love, H and Louis.
X.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I cannot do this.
💐
PLOT TWIST
hahaha
bye bye
xxx.
word count: 3167