Trigger warning suicidal thoughts
Hayden
I looked down at my father,no at Henry ,having so much to say and ask, yet nothing came out.Seeing him on the ground, his head by my feets, begging to forgive him left me speechless.
I began moving to the living room but didn't get far when my father held me again ,,Please son,please. I'm sorry.I know ,I don't deserve it but please let me be a part of your life .Please, I'm sorry.I'm sorry. Please, please.Please forgive me ."
,,Now you want to be a part of my life?Interesting."
,,I know , I'm so sorry, but please ..." ,, Just stop!" Henry looked at me as if his whole world was coming to an end.
,,We should talk, because I think neither of us knows what's going on, seeing that we both were fed with lies it seems."
He nodded agreeing with me and we both made our way to the couch. Staring at each other, I could still see the tears that were on the brink of falling down. ,,She always told me that you two were going along well and that everything was going well, but I can see that this is probably not true. The way she spoke to you and that word that she called you... was she always,I mean did she always ...".His unfinished question on his tongue, he probably was too scared to ask, but I stayed quiet looking at him, wondering how this conversation would be going? Would he believe me? Someone who was never here. Someone who avoided me as if I was the pest! Did I even care about him believing me?Of course I did and it made me angry that I did.
,,Son, are you angry that I-I threw her out?Did you want her here with you, I'm sorry.Your mother..."
,,Don't call her that ",I yelled at him.The more I heard her being referred to as my mother the more it made me sick. ,,Why?"I asked him.
,,Hayden?"
,,Why?" So many things I wanted to ask him. Why weren't you here?Why did you leave me alone? Why did you hate me? Did you hate me for being gay?Why did you avoid me?Why did you abandon me? Why did you rarely talk to me? Why wasn't I important to you?Why did you defend me ealier?Why did you believe her? Why did you marry someone like that? Why did you love somone like that?
And why couldn't you love me?Why ? WHY? Tears started welling.
,,Hayden, son I ..."
,,Do you know that I hate myself?"
Taken aback,his eyes grew wide when he saw me smiling about it.
,,I hate my thoughts,my feelings,the way I look, my voice , just everything, I hate to be me .And I know that there is nothing wrong with being gay, even if you and so many other people feel different about it but I can't help it, I hate myself for being gay.I hate myself for not being"normal", for not liking girls. I remember you telling me to always be honest with people and myself.Well what if I hate that person? That person who shouldn't have been born in the first place.This hateful person that couldn't even end it because he was too scared."
Henry started crying again wanting to say something but I wasn't done.If I don't say it now I probably couldn't find the strength again.
,,So I actually can't blame you for hating me because I do too, but I'm still mad that you do. Funny isn't it. Wow I really make no sense ." I had to laugh at my pathetic self.
,,I don't hate you son and I never did. I could never hate you",he looked at me sincerely and just so sad.
I got up from the couch and looked at the ground my shoulders shaking.And then...
I began laughing, I couldn't stop it ,Henry looked at me just oh so confused.I laughed for a good minute until it died down and then I lost it completely.
I started yelling at him.
,,LOVE?! Your love was avoiding me, making me feel like I was worthless!Everytime that woman hit me , yelled at me and insulted me I was thinking that it were your hands too, your words too! And every time it hurt more, knowing that I not only lost the person who was supposed to be my mother but my father too.So Henry is that the LOVE YOU WERE SPEAKING OF? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ?"
He looked at me with so much regret, tears still lingering in his eyes ,trying to decipher what I just said about what his wife did to me, clearly not knowing it was to that extent.,,Hayden I didn't know, son I... "
,,JUST ANSWER! After you knew about my sexuality you never looked at me again and now you say you love me I...", don't cry Hayden.Don't show him your tears.
,,I was ashamed". That was all it took for my tears to dry.
,,Haha, you really...".
,,No, don't misunderstand. I was ashamed of myself !" Confused, I was waiting for him to continue. ,,You um..., I... ,haah.When that boy told us he was your boyfriend that night, all I could think about was the times I told you what sissys gay people were and how they weren't real men, and just how often I spoke of my distaste for them.I was ashamed of myself, putting you in this situation were you couldn't even open up to us because of me.Ashamed thinking that I was the reason you were hiding that part of your life from us."
I sat back on the couch, not really believing what I heard. ,, Then why were you never home? You never really spoke to me!"I realised that I was anticipating his answer. Noticing that he got a little angry about my question.
,,Your moth...Stacy. We had a talk that night we found out about you.She stopped me from going to your room that night and convinced me to stay away from home for awhile, giving you a bit of time because you were probably angry at me . I wasn't really sure if that was the best idea but she said that she would talk to you and try to convince you to forgive me. And every time I got home and looked at you, you always looked so disappointed and I was scared that you hated me and didn't forgive me so I never really thought about starting that conversation with you.I was so so stupid son , such a coward, but I really wanted to fix what was broken between you and me today,I know it is comes way to late but I wanted to talk with you today, but I didn't expect ..." a sob was interrupting him and tears begin to form in my eyes.
,,Believe me son ,I only ever wanted what was best for you.The reason why I worked so much in the past in the first place, was so I could afford things that you wanted ,because we didn't have enough money for it ,so I worked harder, to be able to offer you something and I know that is no excuse to have neglected you. I didn't mean to make you feel like I hated you. You are the most important person in this world for me. I don't know what lies Stacy told you but they aren't true.None of them are. If I could turn back the time I would've made sure to go to your room that night, hug you and tell you how much I loved you no matter what and how sorry I am,that everything was going to be alright, how wonderful you are and how lucky and proud I am to call you my son. Hayden, if you want to talk I will be here and listen to you.I will make sure that everything that upsets you in this world will not have a hold on you , I promise you that I will try my best to see that beautiful smile on your face again.Please let me be there for you.I'm sorry for everything and if you don't want to forgive me it's fine. I will still take care of you ,but I can't let you think that I hate you when I love you so so much."He was on his knees again in front of me holding my hands which I gently pulled away, a devastated face facing me.
,,Can't you do it now? Hugging me and telling me that everything is going to be alright?"The tears in my eyes finally rolling down my cheeks.He needed a few seconds to register what I just said and moments later he engulfed me in a hug. A hug I didn't know I needed so badly, him telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was and that everything was going to be alright.We stayed like that for awhile with me holding on to him like I was drowning.
After that I told him some more about the way '"mother" treated me and with every word he was getting angrier and angrier, but not without assuring me that none of the things she said were true and saying how we should take that bitch to court.But he also knew that we had to work on our relationship because too much had happened for it to be back to how it once was.That night he tucked me in even though I told him that I was not 5 anymore.I slept with the hope of everything getting better.
The next day he brought the idea of moving to the table ,wondering if I was repulsed of the idea leaving my school and friends behind.
HA! What friends?
That day we had another heart to heart talk about my difficulties in school and life in general. Henry was again, on the verge of crying and apologizing again and then threatening with burning down that shit hole and all the motherfuckers that were running and visiting that school.
His words, not mine.
So now we are preparing to move back to my grandparents,who were thrilled when they got the news.Henry has filed for divorce and wants custody of me and is also talking with a lawyer to sue her.However I wasn't ready to go forward with it just yet so Henry reassured me that when I am, then we will sue her.I was worried that she would want money out of the divorce but he reassured me not to worry because apparently they signed a prenup before marriage.
Courtesy of my grandmother.Smart move.
He also looked for a different job but that wasn't that big of problem because grandpa knew someone who could get him a job in a big company, but he promised me that he would work less and spend more time with me.No complaints there.
He wanted me to just skip school and said that he would go deal with my transfer and with that I mean he wanted to deal with my principal.But I convinced him in letting me go the last day of school, claiming how rude it was of me, to leave without saying goodbye.
So we started to pack and all this while he tried mending our relationship, with him taking me out to eat, going to the movies and just us spending time in general.It all reminded me of the better part of my childhood,the happy part before it all went downhill.
.