"What lesson have you got now?" Will asks once I drive us back to the school parking lot. My heart sinks at the sheer sight of it. I just want to return to the field again so my heart can feel alive.
"Chemistry. How about you?"
"Physics," he informs me with a grimaced face. "My least favourite subject."
"How come?"
"I dislike the teacher."
The corners of my lips lift into a humoured smile. "I should have guessed."
Will laughs and opens the car door. "Got a bit of humour to you. That's good to know. Are you walking in?"
I stare ahead at the bland building which takes the life out of my body and completely exhausts me. Any happiness I might've felt at lunch from the help of Will has completely demolished, just like I knew would happen.
"I actually need to give my mum a call," I make up an excuse; a lie. "I'll see you later."
Will lifts his head at me before grabbing his bag. "Laters."
He's back to his normal self again. No more yelling or laughing, no more living. We're back to surviving.
My eyes are dull and emotionless as I watch him walk through the parking lot to get to the building, one strap over his shoulder, his hand stuffed in his trouser pocket.
It's surprises me he doesn't have a girlfriend. Most of the girls in this school giggle and wave at him as he passes, not because he's popular, but because they love a bad boy. I think back to Evie, the way her bright red hair is always tied into a messy bun, hoop earring dangling from her ears, eyeliner and lipliner smothering her face. She's not popular either, she's somewhere in the middle. She has a few friends, but I've noticed she's started to hang around with a new bunch of people since her and Will split up. Will's friends used to be her friends...until she slept with Charlie of course.
Will never takes any notice in the girls at our school who make effort to flirt with him in the corridors. He smiles and acknowledges them, but he never goes further than that.
I begin to grow suspicious as to why, out of everyone, he chooses to spend more time with me. Perhaps it's because he knows that I'll never flirt with him and we won't go any further than being friends...if that's even what we are.
It's all a confusing matter to me, but I'll try not to worry myself too much about it. I have bigger problems than figuring out Will Stanley's tactics and games. Like trying to survive. Trying to keep my head above water so I don't forget how to swim. I do not fear that the waves will take me one day and pull me down deep below. I only fear that it will pull my family with me.
* * *
I arrive at my Chemistry class five minutes late. Miss Fischer is a lot less strict than Mr Peters, so she doesn't call me out in front of the class to interrogate me about my whereabouts. She simply smiles and stops the class for a moment when I try to find an empty seat.
There's a table at the back that I usually sit on by myself, so I head straight there and set my bag down on the table, using it as a pillow to rest my head on.
I doodle on the blank pages of my notepad as I listen to Miss Fischer's strong Russian accent. She always has a story to tell us at the end about the adventures of her life. If I could be anyone in the world, it would be her. She's lived. Really lived. And she lives it the way she wants to, never once taking any crap from somebody else who tells her different.
Five minutes scrape by, and then I suddenly hear the chair beside me being pulled out. I lift my head and twist it to investigate who has sat beside me. No one ever willingly sits beside me. Boredom would eat them up after ten minutes.
Brains blinks at me a few times as he pulls out his books and a slim, silver laptop. I just give him a confused stare while I wait for something to happen.
"Blimey, you really are quiet," he says, pushing his glasses further up his nose. "I'm Wilson, but you can call me Brains. I don't think we've ever actually spoke."
My shoulders shrink closer together when I realise I'll have to communicate and talk with him for the rest of the hour. I hate talking.
"No. I'm River."
"I'm aware."
His confidence intimidates me slightly, so I face back to the front of the class and hope he won't initiate any further conversation.
"So..." he whispers.
My shoulders slump.
"Did you have a nice lunch?"
"...It was alright."
"Just alright?"
"Why do you care?" I ask, making sure not to sound rude as I say it.
Brains backs up and holds his hands up. "Because you and Will just ran off somewhere. I thought you kidnapped him at first actually."
I purse my lips while he snickers.
"But then he came back in a better mood than usual," he finishes.
"Okay."
"Quiet and blunt. I'll be sure to add that to the list."
"What list?"
He taps on his head twice. "My list of facts about you that I store up here. Quiet, awkward, blunt, a little strange, but hey, aren't we all?"
That was not taken as a compliment.
"You're hanging out with Will, so of course I've gotta check you out. I'm doing it out of the kindness of my own heart." He sets off in a large smile and nods his head to no one in particular.
I crease my forehead at him. "That's...nice?"
"Thank you. I think so, too," he hums contently. Then he leans over and pulls my notepad in front of him with one finger. "So you're an artist?"
"No. I was just bored."
"So...you're not an artist?"
"No."
"Interesting. What are you then?"
My head recoils without my realisation. "Sorry?"
"What do you do, Ro-Ro?"
"Don't call me that," I beg as a disgusted look clouds my features.
"Okay...Ro-Ro."
The irritation and annoyance I feel in this moment is like no other. It feels like Brains is an annoying little brother who will stop at nothing to get a rise out of me.
"So, what do you do then?" he whispers loudly in my ear, causing me to jump in my seat and gasp. He smirks cheekily.
"I read," I snap back, wanting him to leave me in peace already.
"Ah, a reader. Just like Will. At least you have something in common. That's one thing that we could never get into, not even for Will. Reading is...not a very exciting topic for us."
"You don't like reading?"
"Nah. I have the tendency to experience real bad secondhand embarrassment. Accidentally threw up once in the library when I was reading something. Everyone saw—it was really embarrassing. Never again."
I press my lips into a flat line and try to hold back my laughter as I listen to his humiliating but hilarious story. I've experienced secondhand embarrassment while reading a book, but never once to that extent.
Today has been a good day. I've only had those dark thoughts and feelings for a couple of hours altogether. My mind has been some place out, distracting me from the pain that clenches at my heart, from the numbness that causes me to become a zombie who stares at a blank wall for hours.
It's the first time in years where I feel that I can actually beat this and survive, that maybe things aren't as bad as they seem.
A glimmer of hope, far away in the distance.
But this feeling won't last. It never does.
At least, for a few minutes, I'll finally feel okay. It's more than I've experienced in the last few years of my rotting life.
* * *
I'm walking to my locker after class to store some work sheets and books inside, but I sense Brains' presence next to me. He's not just walking beside me because he's coincidentally walking in the same direction, he's purposefully walking with me.
"Are you okay?" I ask him hesitantly.
"Yep. I'm cool," he answers in a chirpy voice, showing off a smile that seems to be so easy for him.
"Okay," I say in a suspicious tone, trying to completely forget about his entire existence.
I reach my locker, but Brains still doesn't take off. He waits beside me and expresses no worry or anxiety in his features.
"What are you doing?" I snap, finally coming to the conclusion that he's up to something. He may be completely innocent in this situation, but I have the tendency to feel extremely paranoid and anxious, as if the world revolves around me.
"Waiting," he answers in a deadpan tone.
"For what?"
As if on cue, Will and his entire friend group suddenly walks up to us. Will looks just as confused as I feel. His eyebrows are furrowed and his dark eyes are squinted as they shift between Brains and I.
"What's going on?" Will asks us both.
I don't know how to answer that, because I don't even know what's going on myself. Luckily, Brains takes the reigns.
"Finally. You guys took forever," Brains sighs and immediately goes to wrap his arm around Ryan's shoulders. "Hey, Will. Look who I found for you."
Everyone turns to look at me. I want to slam my head into the locker door so I'll be taken to hospital and won't have to deal with the painfully awkward moment. I contemplate running off to my car to avoid any conversation or questions that will be thrown my way, but I don't want to seem strange. So I stand there like an idiot, most likely acting strange.
"I've got chemistry with her. Isn't that amazing?"
No one says anything.
I'm trying not to show the sheer embarrassment on my face.
Brains laughs at his own joke, further making me die inside. "Get it? Chemistry?"
"I'd stop while you're ahead," Ryan says, giving him a sympathetic smile when no one laughs at his terrible joke.
Will shakes his head at his friend's antics before he takes a step closer and raises his eyebrows at me. "Fun lesson?"
"Oh yeah. It was...eventful."
One side of his lip pulls up into half a smile.
He's not embarrassed to be seen talking to me, not even in front of his friends. I don't know why, but that is just bizarre to me. Will has always seemed the type to be embarrassed of people like me. But there's no shame whatsoever in his expression when he communicates and hangs around with me.
"Who are you talking to?" a girl asks from the back of the group.
The boys move aside, showing the twins who I've seen Will hang around with plenty of times. They've been friends for years, all apart of this one group who causes trouble and always has one another's back.
Isla, the one who spoke, is chewing the gum in her mouth and has her hands shoved in her trackie bottom pockets. Lola is staring me up and down and crossing her arms over her chest, making me feel extremely uncomfortable and unwelcomed.
They're identical twins, so the only way I'm able to tell them apart is their hair. Isla has short hair that reaches above her ears, styled in a unique way. It shows off her sharp jawline and deep cheekbones. Lola, on the other hand, has long straight hair that reaches down to her ass. She also wears makeup, unlike Isla who has no patience for a drop of it on her face.
"This is River. She's been at our school for years," Will informs them both.
Lola scrunches up her face. "Really?"
I try my hardest not to sigh at her response that sounds so familiar.
Isla rolls her eyes at her sister. She seems a lot more chilled out, so I try to keep eye contact with her inside of Lola. "It's River Emerson. She's been at our school since the start. How do you not know that?"
"I've never even heard her speak."
"Neither have I, but I still know her name and know she exists."
Lola purses her lips. "Sorry. No need to act like that. It's not my fault," she scoffs before she turns her gaze to me and steps forward. "I'm Lola."
"Hi," I say awkwardly.
I really hate myself.
"You're really quiet," she says as her eyes study me.
I. Want. To. Scream.
"I've been told."
"Hmm." She turns and looks up at Will who towers over her small frame that stands lower than me. "So this is your new friend who you've been talking about non stop?"
His eyes snap over to me where they widen, almost like he's suddenly embarrassed. I don't know if it's because he's embarrassed of me or if he's just embarrassed because of his friend calling him out like that.
"Yeah. She's cool."
I suppress the smile that desperately wants to expose itself.
He said I'm his friend. Out loud.
I've never had a friend before.
"Sweet. Well, you'll have to speech lunch with us tomorrow so I can get to know you. Didn't even know you existed before a minute ago," she mumbles the last part to herself, but I still hear it.
"Yeah, sure," I accept the offer, not wanting to say that it sounds like my worst nightmare to be sat on a table with a bunch of people I barely know and have to make conversation with. The thought of it makes me want to vomit.
Isla steps forward and lifts her head at me as a way of greeting. "You alright? I'm Isla. I'm assuming you've met the others?"
My eyes trail over Ryan, Beck and Brains who watch the conversation play out. I smile and nod my head. "Briefly."
Lola hooks her arm around Ryan's and lets out a groan. "I'm starving. Let's go to the cafe already."
"As you wish, my lady. Your chariot awaits," Ryan jokes as he bends over and allows Lola to jump on his back where he carries her out of the building while she shrieks with laughter and waves at me.
"See you, River!"
The others say their goodbyes and follow the loud pair down the hall.
Will gives me a small smile as he begins to walk off, but he makes sure to turn around and say something before exiting the doors.
"See you tomorrow, Smiley."
I smile in return, and then he exits the building, leaving me in the empty corridor by myself where my muscles finally relax and I'm able to breathe.
All I want is to go back in time and try that all again. I would be more confident, I would smile more, I would come up with something to say. I would do things right and wouldn't make a complete mockery out of myself.
If only I had one more chance.