I tried my best to be the person you wanted
For all your wishes to be granted,
I made all the roses in my gardens flower
And yielded to you my ever power.
Now I am left just trying over derision,
Hopes shattering on everything I envision.
You said my nightmares were impositions,
But memories are more than the scars
On the back of my hand,
And are more than just the pain I see in the sand.
They're how I see you when I look for the stars
How all the constellations spill pain in the midnight rain.
In the middle of the night, empty
You woke up, searching for the demon in your soul
But all you could see was the reflection
That stared so ghastly in the mirror, so real, so whole,
And you thought what a tiresome job it must be
To try constantly over the noise of derision.
To simply try is what we do everyday.
But to try surrounded by laughter,
Attacked, by the sharp poisons of mockery
Is to climb on a sloping hill ever after
And to vainly try to break the walls of bravery.
And so we slowly die, hearts full of dismay.
In my dreams I reach out for you,
But every time your laugh gets warmer,
I realize my hopes will never get close to true
I mourn the loss of a life where we were closer,
A life in which my every feeling wasn't treacherous
And in which your every thought wasn't murderous.
On lonely midnights I sit by the moon,
Even when the rain is pouring, I can't do
What I've tried to do for so long; it feels so wrong
To let go and cry, for I know I'll never fly
And the pictures remind me you were but a mere dream
That became mere humming memory to me.
A thousand little cuts on my heart,
You knew that I needed you,
Yet you let the wounds bleed through.
You tore apart the love I called art;
A masterpiece yet to be growing
But the smoke kept on showing.
I knew someday you'd come back to me
Because you've never known anything real
And the thought of something that felt real
But was- So. Completely. Fake. By your fault
Brought you comfort.
Well I hope you know, I loved you. Really.
But you couldn't even bother to say goodbye
Was I not worth a simple wave?
You didn't have to be so dry,
Was I just something to crave?
And once I was finally yours,
All you wanted was more.
You left me here, standing,
Crestfallen, with so many faces laughing
Pointing,
While I was just here-
Trying.
Waiting.
You had the audacity to make me hopeful
That you would come back!
And your golden touch, your Medusa eyes
That made me freeze like stone every time
I swear on the river Styx,
I have loved it in every lifetime.
The good Penelope,
Waiting for years for her husband to come back.
And you know I would've done that.
Because all you ever did was leave
And all I ever did was wait.
And after all this pain, you know I'd still wait.
For you,
A million years of waiting.
For you,
Anything.
For you,
My soul was breaking.
I'm trying so hard,
To be good, to be kind
Because I steal every smile they get,
And my heart breaks into more than shards.
The golden lining is hard to find,
And every reminder is hard to forget.
Why do I ruin everything?
My cursed touch, coaxing things with sadness
Can I just wish my own happiness?
And for them, every song I sing
Why does it turn into a lethal mermaid's chant
Rather than the lullabies they'd forget but shan't?
I wish greyness didn't spread,
I wish everything was still burning red.
I wish you were still here,
Comforting me with the voice I like to hear.
I wish you took the time to say goodbye
And I wish I didn't regret saying hi.
But now that my masks are rusting
And now that my smile is fading,
I'm trying so hard adjusting
To a life that's hard to open to.
It was never meant to be mine
And all my jewels cease to shine.
I tried to change the ending
Because I read the last page.
But all I stare at is blank words
In a vacant story.
All the margins and footnotes are empty,
And I figured: I'm on the wrong page.
For you were already hundreds in
And I was still stuck in the first words.
How can I turn the page if I know what's waiting?
And maybe in a few worlds
I would never have questioned the characters,
Nor the story. But as you said, it doesn't matter.
It's too hard to try and live a life
When every day regret feels like a gun
Pointing at my deepest fears, and I know
Memory is the sharpest knife
But you know too: all I ever do is run
Away from all the things I could never show.