"Get in cheater," Zayn chuckles when I open the car door.
"Fuck off," I tell him as I sit and buckle in.
"You're the worst boyfriend ever. We've been dating a week and you've already cheated on me," Zayn continues to tease me.
"He thinks you should have cared more that he kissed me." My attitude doesn't match his playful one.
"I didn't play that well did I?" Zayn asks. "I'm not much of an actor Louis," he stops and sees me staring at him. "I mean did you want me to punch him? I can't do that and you know it."
"I didn't, no," I tell him. "But maybe he wanted you to fight for me and you didn't. I think it really bothered him."
"This is why I date women Louis," Zayn says. "They say women are complicated but fuck if what you and Harry have isn't terribly complicated. And it's gonna continue to get complicated if you don't fess up."
"It never was in the past though," I say turning away and staring out the window. "And I know. If he doesn't get his memory soon I will have to tell him everything and fuck if that doesn't scare me shitless."
Harry and I have always made sense. It's never been complicated. Until recently. Until back in February when it all got complicated. That was when he got a girlfriend.
My bracelet goes off constantly but I don't push the button. Harry again grows impatient and calls. I do kind of expect it, Harry wasn't a patient boy and he's certainly not a patient man.
"Hey," I say into the phone.
"You're bracelet," he says. "Is it broken?"
"No," I say. "I'm sorry. I'm just confused right now."
"About me?" He asks. "I'm sorry if I confused you by kissing you. I hope you and Zayn are fine."
"I'm just so lost right now Harry," I tell him. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have all these feelings. Zayn and I are fine."
"Can you come see me?"
"I don't know if that's a good idea," I tell him. "I mean... I, fuck Harry. It's hard being with you. I miss you so much even when I'm with you."
It's the truth. When we're in the same room I want him to be the Harry he once was. This new Harry is confusing. He's open and honest. He's also blank and confused.
"Oh," he says. "Tell me one good thing from our past."
I think for a moment and decide to explain the ski trip photo. "We went to France skiing. You and I had just started dating officially even though it was a secret. We went on that holiday with a couple of my mates. We spent the days skiing and having a great time. You and I had a great time. We could be us and we didn't have to hide. That holiday was the first time we slept together. It's always been your favorite memory. That's why you have the photo of us on your dresser. It was also the first time I told you I love you. So, it's my favorite memory too."
"Thank you," he says softly then goes silent.
"Still there love?" I ask.
"How long before we started toward the end?" He asks.
"Many years after that photo. Just in the last two years is when we began to fall apart," I tell him. "We fought a lot Harry. More than any couple should be allowed to. When you said 'fuck you Lou' it came out easily because you said that to me a lot."
"I'm sorry."
"I said it to you too," I tell him. "We never meant it until we did. We used to say goodbye by saying always you. At the end it was fuck you. So when I say you and me didn't part on good terms I'm being truthful. We didn't. We love each other very much Harry, of that I have no doubt. But we don't..." I pause. "Necessarily like each other."
"How can that be?"
"It's possible to love someone but not like them," I say. "You feel... er felt that way about me. You told me you wish you'd never met me. The pain is on both sides. You hurt me and I hurt you. We suck at communication but we're really really good at throwing insults and swear words at one another. Sometimes we mean them sometimes we don't."
"Well," he begins and stops. "So you and me... won't ever work out? I mean I know you're with him now but is there a future for me and you?"
"I can't answer that," I say. "You're not the same Harry. This guy you are now is the guy I fell in love with. You're sweet, kind, and you love me. I feel it. But when your memory comes back will the other Harry return as well? The one who doesn't want me anymore."
"How did I ever let you go?" He says and I can hear the quiver in his voice. He's crying.
"We let each other go love," I tell him. "It wasn't your fault alone. I'm not perfect."
"You're perfect for me," he says through his tears.
"You've always said that," I tell him. "I gotta go H. But I'll be in touch. I promise." I can't talk anymore or I'll break. I've always been the strong one between the two of us but I'm running out of strength.
"Ok," Harry says. "Don't forget about me Louis."
"Never could," I tell him.
I let myself break down after the call. The memory I shared with him hurt to my core. The first time with Harry was everything. It was perfect and afterwards I had said the words I'd felt for so long. I love you.
A week later the bracelet is going off all day so after I'm done editing my record I call Harry. "You ok?" I ask as soon as he picks up.
"I can walk," he says happily. "On my own, no crutches. Slept in my bed last night walked up the stairs and all." It all comes out quick and I can hear him smiling. He's happy and excited and chose to share it with me.
"That's great love!" I tell him. An excited Harry somehow makes you excited with him. He's very childlike with excitement.
"Will you come see me?" He asks.
"Tonight?" I ask.
"Like now?" He asks. "Unless you're busy."
"I'll come," I tell him. "I just finished working."
"See you soon," he says and hangs up.
I walk into my house to find Zayn in an interesting position with a girl I don't know. "Cheater," I tease and rush up the stairs. "I'm scarred for life after seeing that!" I yell down to Zayn.
"Fuck off Lou!" He yells back.
"Get a room, mate!" I yell then close my bedroom door.
Walking into my house finding Zayn's ass in the air was not what I had expected see today. But I had and now I can't unsee it. I don't take my time showering but changing clothes took much longer than I had anticipated. I changed three times and settled on a pair of black jeans, and my favorite Burberry shirt before I'm rushing down the stairs again. Thankfully they're both clothed now.
"You have a bedroom you know?" I ask him.
"Got carried away," he says and follows me into the kitchen. "You going to see him?"
"Yep," I say.
I had stayed away and hadn't responded to his texts or the bracelet for a week and I missed him. My stupid heart missed him.
"You look nice," he tells me.
"Do I look fuckable?" I ask. I'm joking but I'm also somewhat serious.
"Absolutely not," he says. "Not to me anyhow but I'm sure you will look like a wet dream to Harry."
"Good," I say. "I'm gonna come clean tonight. Tell him everything and see how it goes."
"Good luck mate," he tells me. "If you come clean about me tell him I'm sorry and you made me do it."
"I will," I tell him. I kiss his cheek. "Thank you for being my fake boyfriend."
He wiped his face. "No kissing, I told you that."
"Love you too," I tell him and rush out of the house.
During my week away from Harry I had time to think. What did I stand to lose by telling home everything? I knew it could go a couple different ways but I was willing to risk it. He needed to know. I only hoped he would still feel the same for me after we talked.
Harry's house is mostly dark when I get there. I see some flickering of a light near his dining room and wonder why it's so dark.
I knock on the door and he opens it. "Hey," he says and looks me up and down. "You look nice."
"Thank you," I say. "You do too,"
He's spent time on his look. He's wearing blue jeans with holes in the knees, a button up shirt that isn't buttoned up, and just socks but he looks amazing. "I like your hair like that."
"Growing it back out," he says shyly.
"Good," I say and follow him into the house. I hated his haircut. I like his long hair better.
"I made you dinner," he says leading me into the dining room. "I hope you like chicken?"
"I love chicken," I tell him and take my coat off.
"I'll take it," he says and grabs my coat. I watch him walk to the coat closet and hang it up. He's moving well and only has a slight limp.
He's the one who looks like a damn wet dream. He's got no business looking this good.
I sit at the table with him and he places chicken on my plate then veggies and I scowl. "You hate veggies?" He asks.
"I don't hate them," I say. "They're just not my favorite."
"Try them," he says. "They're good and good for you."
Why does this seem so familiar? Why is he acting like we've done this a million times? We have but he doesn't know that.
"Alright," I say as he spoons mashed potatoes on my plate.
"How's Zayn?" He asks as we eat.
"He's good," I say. "He's busy tonight." Getting busy. I don't say but that's what I'm thinking.
I'd like to be getting busy. Fuck Louis! Stop this naughty line of thinking. I can't help myself, Harry and I have always had an intense sexual attraction. That had began before either of us even knew what to do with it.
After we finish eating Harry clears the table and starts to clean up so I get up and help him. He hands me the dishes when he's washed them and I dry them and put them away. It's all so domestic. So natural.
He turns to me when we're finished and dries his hands. "Thank you," he says sweetly and kisses my cheek.
"You're welcome," I'm a blushing mess but I move my hand and point to the side of my mouth. "Kiss me here?" He kisses the side of my mouth. I point to the other side. "Here?" He kisses the other side.
"Here?" He says and points to my nose before kissing it.
"Now," I say. "Here." I point to my mouth.
He leans in and kisses me softly his tongue licking my lip and I open my mouth and take his tongue between my lips and suck lightly on it. Causing him to moan lightly into my mouth. He pulls back and looks in my eyes. "You're ok with this?" He asks his eyes searching mine.
I touch his cheek and pull him to me. "I am," I say. "Or we could talk? It's your choice love."
"This," he says and pushes his lips to mine again this time more aggressively and pushes me into the counter. His hands are all over me and they've found their way up my shirt and on my back. I feel nothing but Harry. He's everywhere. His hands are everywhere. He's pressed against me and I feel him harden in his pants. He reaches for my pants and undoes the button but never releasing me from the kissing. He pushes them down along with my boxers and takes me in his hand, stroking gently. He moves his assault from my lips to my jaw then my neck. He's kissing, nibbling, and sucking my neck and stroking me at the same time. And fuck it feels good.
"Can I?" He asks looking down at my dick in his hand. He doesn't wait for me to answer properly. I suppose he seen the yes in my eyes or its written all over my face. He drops to his knees and takes me in his mouth.
"Feels so good love," I say as he holds my hips and takes all of me in his mouth. "Fuck," I hiss. I don't remember him being this good at this or maybe it's been so long that it feels better than usual. It's also possible I prefer Harry to anyone else. Not that I've been testing that theory.
"Move your hips," he tells me.
I don't hesitate to fuck into his mouth. His warm wet mouth around my dick is amazing. He's moving his head in sync with my hips. "Harry," I say. "You're gonna make me come love."
He stops and releases my dick with an obscene pop that almost make me come on his face. "That's the point," he says and looks in my eyes as he takes my dick in his mouth again. Sucking harder and quicker while looking up at me, our eyes locked on one another's. He reaches around and touched my bum then moves his hand down to my hole. He's still looking in my eyes as he does all this to me. He pulls his fingers from my hole and pulls his mouth off me again and replaces it with his middle finger then he moves it back to my hole. He rubs gently before sliding his wet finger in me.
What the fuck? Who is this guy?
"Come for me Lou," he says and curves his finger just right inside me causing me to spill into his mouth suddenly and without warning.
"Fuck!" I cry out. "That was amazing love."
"Umm," Harry says standing and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "It was."
I notice the spot on his pants. "You... but I... I didn't even touch you."
"It's just you Lou," he says and holds my cheek in his hand. "I'm gonna go clean up." He says leaving me standing in the kitchen half naked, fucked, and smiling like an idiot.
I pull my pants up and stand there unsure of what to do now. So I stay put.
"Zayn is gonna hate me," he says waking into the kitchen in joggers and a jumper.
I walk up to him and put my arms around his waist. "We won't tell him this time." I kiss him gently on the lips and he wraps his arms around me.
"You tasted like a dream Louis," he says into my neck. "I wanna fuck you so bad."
Harry talking dirty to me is all too familiar. He's the kindest and sweetest guy I've ever met but he's also quite dirty in the bedroom or with anything sexual.
"Good to know Harry is still in there," I tell him with a chuckle.
"How so?"
"You're filthy in bed love," I say. "You say and do the most obscene things to me."
"Do I?" He asks. "It felt right when I said it."
I raise my eyebrows at him. "Cause you've always been naughty."
He smirks at me the reaches for my hand. "Come, let's watch a movie."
"Ok," I say.
What I didn't tell him is this is often how we've communicated in the past. We don't talk and try to work it out. We've always either exchanged blow jobs or fucked but never talked it out. This night is no different, I don't come clean and we don't talk. We watch a movie and make out on his sofa. That's it.
I walk into my house the next morning carrying my clothes, hoping I don't find Zayn with his ass in the air again. He's on the couch but he's fully clothed and alone. "Look, the cheater is home." He teases me.
I plop down next to him and sigh. "I'm fucked."
"You look fucked," he says and I give him a side eye. "You didn't talk, did you? You fucked instead."
"No," I say. "We didn't talk and we didn't fuck."
"You spent the night with him and you're wearing his clothes obviously, since I can clearly see they're two sizes too big for you and you're telling me you didn't fuck him?" He doesn't believe that for a minute. He pokes my neck. "And your bruised up neck says otherwise."
"My sex life is none of your concern," I tell him. "We did things but no actual penetration if you must know."
"I am your boyfriend," Zayn says.
"Wanna make out then?" I ask him and turn my head toward him.
"I don't know where that dirty mouth of yours has been," Zayn says. "So no. But stop trying to change the subject. Why didn't you talk? You were supposed to come clean instead you come home this morning looking freshly fucked and now you've cheated on me again in Harry's eyes."
"Fuck," I sigh. "You're right. You should break up with me. I'm a shitty boyfriend."
"Lou," he says sternly. "Why didn't you come clean?"
"I wanted to," I admit. "But I also wanted him. Like he's different and he wouldn't have wanted me if I admitted it all to him."
"You're fucking it all up even worse by not telling him," he tells me.
"We talked a little before I left," I tell him.
"About?"
"You."
"Me?"
"Yes, you," I say. "He said it's none of his business what kind of relationship I have with you and he doesn't want to get between us. He said he wants something with me but he won't pursue it until I'm single."
"So you cheated on me and that was just some one off?" Zayn asks with an eye roll.
"We aren't really dating Z," I remind him.
"That was the perfect time for you to tell him that," Zayn says.
"I know but I'm a coward," I tell him.
"You're an idiot," he tells me.
"That too," I agree. "When his memory comes back he'll realize that too."
I decide to send him not only one song but my whole album. It was all written for him and I need him to hear it first. I wrote most of it about him.
My new album. I want you to hear it first. I send with my album attached and I wait.
He doesn't respond and I wonder what's going on. It's been a week since I seen him. We've exchanged a lot of texts and one dirty phone call. I've been busy with editing and getting my album ready. So I had put off seeing him. If I had known what was to come I would have went to see him every day.
"Get the door Lou!" Zayn calls from his bathroom.
I go down the stairs and open the door. Harry stands there wearing a frown and holding his journal. "Hey," I say. "What's going on?"
He stomps past me and into my house. "How long were you gonna wait to tell me Louis?" Yeah, he pissed.
"What?" I ask.
"About us!" He says loudly almost yelling.
"What do you wanna know? You're acting like a lunatic," I close the door. I'm immediately pissed me off. Only Harry can say a couple words and piss me off. "Don't barge in here demanding answers without some kind of context Harry!" I know this Harry and I know him well. He's fully back and this is exactly how I expected him to react.
"The reason we broke up!" He demands. "The fight! You cheated on me! The meet ups after we broke up?" He's yelling now.
"Don't act like you're not at fault at all Harry!" I yell. "You're not innocent. You gave up on us!"
"You cheated on me!" He yells. "With a woman!"
"I never cheated on you," I tell him. "You accused me so many times so finally I told you I did. We fought all the fucking time. Just like we are now! I knew when you got your memory back this would happen. That's why I didn't tell you."
Harry shifts his focus, apparently there was too much truth in what I had said. "Where's Zayn?" He asks.
Zayn appears from the kitchen. "Hey," he waves at Harry.
"Why'd you go along with his stupid idea?"
"He's my friend," Zayn said. "I'm sorry. I was only trying to help."
"He's not at fault in any of this," I tell Harry. "So don't come in my house yelling at Zayn! It's all me. It's always all me innit Harry? You've been perfect all these years and I'm the fuck up right? But it wasn't me calling you in the middle of the night was it? You asked to see me after we broke up and I allowed it. You used me so many times. You never even stayed afterwards. You got up and left after you got what you wanted from me! It's always been all about you Harry! You never considered what that did to me. I couldn't turn you down and you knew that! So you kept calling and I kept letting you. I held out hope for us until she came along."
"Stella," he says.
"Yes Stella!" I yell. "When she caught us and took the photos of us she made me cut you off. That's the only reason I stopped letting you come over. I would have continued just as we were, no matter how toxic and fucked up it was, if it hadn't been for her. I never would have let you go. I never gave up. A little bit was better than nothing in my eyes."
"What did she say say make you cut me off?" He asks in a normal tone.
"She was gonna out us," I say. "I couldn't let that happen to you Harry. I had to protect you. It was never about what I wanted, it's always been about you and I let it be."
He runs his fingers through his hair. "Fuck," he sighs.
"Harry," I say. "I've been protecting you since I met you. I've loved you even when you didn't love me. I've been here just waiting for you to see that it was me all along. I was always the one for you."
"Are you?" He growls at me with a frown.
"I know at one point I was," I tell him.
"I brought this to you," he says and hands me his journal. I hold it and look at him. "Everything in it is yours. I've gotta go."
"Harry?" I say reaching for his arm. "Can we talk?"
"Another time," he says and walks out. Leaving me standing in my foyer holding his journal and in shock.
That just happened.
"What the fuck just happened?" Zayn asks after Harry walked out.
"I don't know," I say and fall onto the floor in a sobbing mess. Zayn wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. "I've lost him all over again, Z." And it hurts as much as it did the previous time.
He had been like a tornado when he came in. He had yelled at me then left.
I don't know when his memory returned but I know it has. And I know there's more to come when it all comes back. There were a lot of things he hadn't mentioned.