Louis had no idea what he was doing. It was 4 am and he was sitting cross-legged on his bed in near darkness, laptop open in front of him, googling ‘prostitution rates’. He hadn’t intended to become completely insane but sometime between Friday night’s random run-in at the convenience store and his current circumstances, it had happened anyway.
It was all entirely hypothetical, of course. He was just curious as to what someone like Harry made, that’s all. He couldn’t get the kid out of his head, but that was just healthy curiosity. It was only natural that he wondered. Natural that he wanked off every fucking chance he got to thoughts of him.
Okay, so Louis had a slight problem. He wouldn’t refer to it as an obsession, really, it was more of an… interest. He honestly couldn’t help it, and it was getting to the stage where Louis knew he was going to have to do something drastic. Otherwise he was destined to be sexually frustrated and miserable for the rest of his life.
He’d originally figured that if he just waited it out, Harry Styles would magically fade from his mind. Unfortunately, time seemed to have the opposite effect; every person he passed on the street had become Harry. Harry Styles. He kind of hated that he knew the boy’s full name. Angry that he was fixated enough to soak up every bit of information he could from Friday night.
Louis had never had much patience, and the more he thought about the boy the more he wanted to fix the problem.
Even though Zayn had delighted in Louis’ misery all Saturday, he’d taken pity on him by the time night fell, lying on the couch wrapped up in his doona and complaining incessantly. So his friend had quite literally rolled him onto the floor and ordered him to get dressed, come to a club, get spectacularly pissed, pick up someone and actually fuck his way out of the problem. Louis had genuinely considered the idea a good one, thought that maybe Zayn had a point; lying around moaning wouldn’t solve anything. So he’d put on his best striped shirt and really had a go at it.
They’d gone to a popular club just around the corner from their apartment building where Zayn had proceeded to have the time of his life, joining the DJ at the turntables and taking over for about half an hour, dancing with at least ten different girls and generally drinking too much.
Louis had kissed a pretty girl with bright blue eyes on the dance floor, but had broken it off with an apologetic shake of his head and had ended up walking a completely sloshed Zayn home. They’d stopped twice so he could vomit in the gutter and then slur in Louis’ ear about how ‘if he was going to be so grumpy, he might as well go find that guy and get it over with’. Not exactly what Louis would call a top night.
After Louis’ failure of a Saturday night he’d spent half of Sunday lying on his bedroom floor and the other half watching re-runs of Friends without actually paying any attention to the TV at all. It was on Sunday night, a carton of cold Chinese noodles in his lap, that he’d come to the realisation that clearly the Harry problem had grown to an unmanageable size. Something had to be done.
The only thing that he could come up with was that he needed to go one more round, just to get it out of his system. Obviously Harry wouldn’t fuck him just because Louis asked nicely; he had a feeling he wouldn’t be lucky enough for Harry to want to make another very generous donation to the poor university student charity fund.
That was how Louis had ended up switching alternatively between porn websites he’d accidentally stumbled upon and his online savings account during the early hours of Tuesday morning. He had to get up for class in three hours but had completely disregarded his need for sleep in favour of figuring out how he was going to afford paying for sex on top of paying that month’s rent. If he was honest the sexual frustration was more of an academic burden than the sleep deprivation.
It was an absurd situation that Louis had found himself in, but he was a little past caring about the mess that was currently his life.
He could easily imagine Harry’s reaction when Louis approached him again; could practically see his dimpled grin and the way those eyes would darken. He wouldn’t say yes right away - no, he’d probably make Louis wait, tease him a little.
Louis shut his laptop and put it on the floor before falling back against his pillows, letting his hand slide underneath the waistband of his boxers, imagining the husky voice, and the way Harry would say his name.
***
Louis was sure that the decision to fuck Harry again had come straight from his burgeoning insanity.
As he had predicted, he was absolutely knackered throughout his lecture the next day. But it was different from the past week; before he’d been irritable and anxious and frustrated whereas after he had made his decision he had descended into a sort of peaceful calm. It was comforting to know that the solution to his troubles was on the horizon. It felt like such a relief, that such a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Louis really couldn’t afford to keep up the schedule of late nights and hourly wanks. No young lad could be expected to without going completely nuts. He rather felt like he’d done quite well thus far.
He got through the rest of class with the knowledge that soon it would all be over and he could go back to his simple, albeit quite boring, life. And he would never have to think about Harry and the colour of his eyes or the sound of his deep, throaty laugh ever again. Everything would be clear and predictable and normal.
Louis told himself that it was an entirely practical, even necessary, decision. He had to do it to get on with his life. Despite this, he couldn’t quite suppress the hint of excitement coiled low in his stomach at the thought of being wrapped around Harry Styles again.
***
‘So what do you think?’ Louis braced himself for Zayn’s reaction, anticipating ridicule of some sort. Instead, Zayn just rolled his eyes, exhaling an exultant, ‘Finally’.
Louis raised his eyebrows, nonplussed. ‘What?’
‘Well obviously I think you’re utterly insane, mate. But to be honest if you weren’t going to do it sometime soon, I would have shoved the money into your hands and put you in a cab myself.’
‘…Oh.’
Zayn rolled his eyes again. ‘I can’t deal with you like this anymore. Just have sex with the guy already and then we can all move on.’
‘Well… yeah, that’s kind of what I was thinking.’
‘Good, because you’re getting dead-set irritating. I mean, it’s not your fault you’ve got the hots for a hooker but honestly. I was considering finding the kid and bribing him to come give you some loving because there are just certain things that I can’t help you with.’
‘Oh, come on, love muffin. I’m sure you’d do fine.’ Louis smirked, settling into the banter easily and leaning back in his chair as Zayn began to protest. He hadn’t been worried about his friend’s reaction really, not after the aftermath of Friday night, but he had braced himself for the worst. Louis wasn’t exactly pleased by his current situation, and truth be told it was kind of humiliating. It was a relief to know that Zayn was supportive either way.
‘So what time are you heading downtown then?’
‘What?’ Louis frowned, jerking out of his reverie. ‘What do you mean?’
‘You’re going tonight, aren’t you?’
‘Um… no.’
Zayn threw his hands up in the air in frustration. ‘I swear to god, Lou, I can’t do this anymore. Why not tonight?’
Louis shrugged. ‘I don’t know, I just figured I’d go down Saturday or something. What if he’s not there? It’s a Tuesday night!’
‘Mate, it’s not like prostitution is a part-time job. I don’t think he’s got to be in bed by a certain time or his mummy will yell at him.’
Louis paused, considering this. He’d been planning to wait until the end of the week, give himself a few pep talks, and figure out what to say. He wasn’t sure how to go about it. It wasn’t like he frequently went around asking for sex from near-strangers.
As if reading his thoughts, Zayn nudged him with his heel and said, ‘Just go down there and tell him you’re ready for round two.’
Louis rolled his eyes. ‘Christ, how do you ever get laid?’
‘Well, I don’t have to pay for it at least.’
He glared at the other boy, but had no reply.
Zayn shoved him harder with his heel. ‘Just get the fuck on with it. Man up. If you’re not out of my flat in the next five seconds I’m going to punch you in the face and you won’t look pretty for your lover anymore.’
And that was how Louis ended up sitting in the backseat of a cab on his way downtown, hands twisting nervously in his lap. He pulled at his shirt, suddenly regretting not going back to his place to change before leaving. As soon as the thought crossed his mind he rolled his eyes; fuck, he wasn’t trying to court the guy. This would be like a business transaction.
A business transaction that led to nudity.
And sex.
Louis could only pray that he wouldn’t become completely tongue-tied like he had in their previous encounter. He needed to keep this professional, like he did this every day and Harry was just helping him take care of a problem Louis couldn’t solve himself.
But unfortunately, though he hesitated to admit even just to himself, there was just something inside him that he couldn’t keep under control whenever Harry was in close proximity. He wasn’t sure what it was or if it even had a name but it was visceral and consuming and made his chest ache.
So it was understandable that in the cab Louis attempted to counsel himself into approaching what he was about to do in the same way he went about paying his bills or buying groceries; practical and necessary. If he could think like that then maybe he wouldn’t feel so irrationally nervous about what he was about to do. He wasn’t hesitant about Harry’s reaction so much as his own ability to get the words out.
Louis had never been very good at asking for the things he wanted. He’d always preferred to keep things to himself, grin and bear it, pretend like nothing was ever wrong. He was the one who cracked a joke when someone else had a problem. He was, essentially, comedic relief. And he’d always been okay with that. He liked to deal with his problems himself. It was generally easier that way.
So when it came to things that he simply could not take care of, Louis hesitated. He hesitated to bother people for something that he needed or wanted, simply because in his experience, being the oldest of such a big family and having a single mother who he ended up taking care of more often than not in some small way, people tended to respond better when you weren’t a burden to them.
This is completely different, he told himself, leaning his forehead against the cool glass of the window as the city flew past.
This was something Harry did for a living. For him, it really was like a business transaction. Necessary and practical. Louis would be another paying client, just like everyone else.
Louis ignored the twist of his insides as that thought crossed his mind.
It was another five minutes before the cab rolled to a stop a few streets away from where Louis had first met Harry. He wasn’t exactly sure where to find the other boy, but he figured that he must usually hang around the same area. If he walked around for a little while he’d be able to not only find Harry, but hopefully work off some of the nervous energy that had accumulated during the cab ride and was making his hands shake.
Louis shivered as he stepped onto the sidewalk as a blast of cool night air hit him. He pulled his jacket more securely around his chest and set off in the direction he figured Harry would be.
There were too many people out for a Tuesday night. A couple of them leered at Louis as he walked past and he quickened his pace, uncomfortable.
He couldn’t help but start to feel a little uneasy now. He’d come here for sex. Sex that he was going to pay for. From a guy he knew next to nothing about. Louis prayed that the people he passed couldn’t read his intention all over his face but from a few of their smirks he figured it must be quite obvious.
Louis was so busy staring at his feet as he walked, avoiding eye contact with anyone he happened to walk by, that he walked straight into something hard and sturdy and was knocked backwards to the ground.
He let out a surprised noise as he realised what had happened and looked up reluctantly, hoping he hadn’t run into some buff dude who was going to kick his ass. Instead his gaze focused on a tall boy with soft brown eyes.
‘Oh, this is too good.’
Louis groaned as he clambered to his feet. ‘You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.’
Liam smirked at him. It looked a little out of place on his gentle features, as though it wasn’t meant to be there, but it was smug nonetheless and Louis wanted to bury his face in his hands in embarrassment.
‘It’s funny how we keep running into you around these parts, isn’t it?’
‘Not really,’ Louis grumbled. ‘Believe me when I say I’d rather not be here.’
Liam crossed his bare arms, and he noticed that the other boy was wearing a tight, sheer t-shirt. He must be freezing, Louis thought, mildly concerned. He was freezing his arse off wearing multiple layers and jeans.
‘I’m not even going to ask why you’re here then. It’s obvious, after all. But I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed.’ Louis pulled himself out of his thoughts to listen to the boy.
‘What do you mean?’ He asked, frowning.
Liam chuckled. ‘Well, you’re a bit late. Harry’s busy tonight.’
‘Busy?’
Liam raised his eyebrows and Louis shook his head, resolutely refusing to acknowledge the sinking feeling in his stomach. ‘Busy. Right.’
‘He’s still upstairs so you might be able to catch him before he leaves.’
Louis could only stare at the other boy blankly. ‘What?’
‘Honestly, you’re a bit dense. I’m saying that if you want to see Harry, beg him to marry you or whatever, he’s still at ours getting ready.’
‘Oh, I’m not - I mean, that isn’t why I’m - I just -‘
‘Louis, shut up. There is no reason for you to be here except for Harry, so stop pretending that I’m not completely aware of what’s going on here. He’s turned you into a massive slut and now you’re back for more.’
Louis’ face flushed and he couldn’t quite meet Liam’s frank gaze.
‘Look, I love the guy and everything but he’s been acting like a right miserable twat lately. And on Friday night he was back to normal… right around the time we ran into you. Niall thinks it’s hilarious, of course, but I think it’s worth a try. He’s stressed out and stubborn and way too young for all this shit. He needs someone who can mellow him out a bit.’
Louis stifled a strangled noise at the other boy’s words. ‘I’m not- I’m just here to-’ He sighed in frustration and broke off. ‘I’m going to be honest with you, okay? I’m going crazy. I’ve met the kid, what, twice now? And he’s already gotten under my skin. It’s ridiculous! I have to do something. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m going to end up a sad, lonely and sexually frustrated old man and I just can’t have that.’
Liam chuckled a little. ‘That’s Harry for you. You kind of can’t shake him off. I met him a couple of years ago just through mates, thought he was a bit weird, and now we’re living together and best mates. You don’t really realise how big a part of your life he is until one day you look up and he’s sitting on your couch, eating your food and stealing all your favourite clothes. He’s the kind of person who just fits into your life so easily that it’s like he’s always been there.’
‘So… are you saying there isn’t anything I can do to get rid of him?’ Louis asked, eyes wide and alarmed.
‘You know, if you don’t want him to be in your life you’re really not approaching this in the right way.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You’re here looking for him, aren’t you? You’re going to ask to fuck him again, right? That’s why you’re here.’ Liam shrugged. ‘It just seems to me that if you wanted to forget about him you wouldn’t bother.’
Louis was completely taken aback. ‘What, do you think I want to be here?’ He asked incredulously. ‘Do you think I wanted to empty my savings account to come here and ask someone if I can pay them to let me have sex with them? This is not fun for me! I thought it over, and this is the only thing I can come up with. If I just do it again and realise it’s not as wondrous as I drunkenly thought it was, then I can move on and stop dwelling on it.’
‘Okay, good luck with that,’ Liam said, a hint of sarcasm in his tone.
‘It’ll work.’
He only nodded. ‘If you say so.’
‘Look, could you just tell me where he is?’ Louis asked, frustrated.
‘If you head in that direction,’ he pointed, ‘he should be coming out of that building in about five minutes. You’ll have to be quick, Harry likes to be punctual.’ Liam smirked.
Louis started off towards the red brick building Liam had pointed to, pausing when the other boy spoke again, breeze whipping his dark hair around his face as Louis turned to look back at him.
‘You should be careful, too.’ His expression was more serious. ‘For his sake, if nothing else.’
They looked at one another for a moment, and Louis was sure the other boy was trying to tell him something with those dark eyes but eventually he gave up and simply nodded. ‘I’ll see you.’
‘I’m sure you will.’
As Louis walked away an unsettled feeling unfurled in his chest. He rubbed at his sternum as he went, trying to shake it off. Who cared what Liam thought? He had no way of knowing what had been going on in Louis’ mind; he didn’t know just how much he needed to do this. Somehow fucking Harry Styles had become the metaphorical key to moving forward, moving past the confusion and the anxiety that had enveloped Louis for the past couple of weeks. In his mind, it was the only way. He didn’t want to ‘mellow him out’ or keep him in his life at all. Louis wasn’t there to ask him out to a romantic candle-lit dinner.
He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts as he spotted someone exiting the front doors of the building he was making his way towards. Though he couldn’t see their face, the dark, curly hair confirmed that it was Harry. He swallowed hard, slowing his pace, suddenly nervous again.
The boy could definitely pull off a blazer.
Louis slowed to a casual stroll as he got within a few meter radius of Harry. He wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings, concentrating on pulling a cigarette out of his pocket and sticking it between his lips, before pulling out a lighter and raising it halfway to his mouth.
Louis cleared his throat awkwardly as he came to a stop and Harry’s eyes jumped up, wide and deep green and startled.
‘Uh- hey.’
Harry looked a little speechless, cigarette hanging from his mouth comically, staring at him in amazement. Louis tugged at his shirt collar, self-conscious under that gaze. He relaxed a little as the corners of Harry’s lips twitched upwards and he broke out into a grin. ‘Louis! Hi, uh – what are you… this is unexpected.’
Louis cleared his throat again, heart thudding rapidly against his chest. ‘Yeah, uh, how’s it going?’
Harry looked even more confused as he plucked the cigarette out of his mouth and began to roll it between his long fingers. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Oh wow, okay, direct.’ Louis took a deep breath. ‘I’m here to see you actually.’
Harry’s grin faltered. ‘…Me? For any particular reason or…’
‘I actually, wow, alright I don’t know how to do this at all and I’m terrible at it obviously, but, um… Yeah, uh, I was just wondering if, um, maybe. You wanted to, uh, go for round two?’ Louis winced even as he said it. Harry’s eyebrows had been rising higher and higher as Louis spoke, but at the end of his sentence the other boy looked sort of torn between amused and stunned.
He groaned, closing his eyes briefly. ‘Oh god, please ignore what I just said. Zayn told me to say it; even I didn’t think it was a good idea. Oh god.’
At the sound of Harry’s deep chuckle he opened his eyes hesitantly.
‘Look, it’s not that I’m not flattered but I’m going to have to say no,’ He said, eyes shining in amusement.
‘Right, yeah, I ran into Liam and he told me you were…’ Louis paused awkwardly, ‘Busy. But you see it’s kind of an emergency.’
Harry snorted. ‘Yeah, okay. A sex emergency. It sounds really serious, but uh, that’s not what I meant anyway. I’m not going to have sex with you again.’
Louis paused, hoping he had heard wrong. ‘What was that?’
Harry shrugged, raising the cigarette to his lips again and lit it. ‘You’re a nice guy. Excuse the expression, but I don’t really do nice guys.’
A frustrated noise escaped Louis. He was freezing and getting a little desperate. Even just standing a couple of meters away from Harry on the sidewalk was frustrating him. He was hyper-aware of every time the other boy shifted his body, attuned to his every move. His fingers practically ached to touch him. Why did he have to look so fucking good? He was wearing a blazer, for Christ sake. Louis shouldn’t be turned on by a blazer, of all things.
Harry seemed blissfully unaware of Louis’ absolute torment as he took a long drag and then gave him another dimpled grin.
‘I’m sorry that I can’t do anything to help, but I’m sure you’ve got a few hundred people clamoring after you. You don’t need me.’
‘No, see, I really, really do.’ Louis gritted his teeth and stuck his hands in his pockets so he wouldn’t be tempted to reach out and trace the corners of Harry’s smile.
‘That’s very flattering, but it would probably be best if you clear out before I get picked up.’
‘I can pay you, you know,’ Louis blurted out before he could stop himself.
Harry laughed then, loud and surprised. ‘Babe, no offense, but you can’t afford me.’
‘I can!’ Louis protested.
‘I’m probably going to make more tonight, in a few hours, than you make in a few months.’ He didn’t mean the words cruelly; his eyes were wide and sincere, completely guileless.
Louis was at a loss for words. He needed this. He needed Harry. There was no other solution.
‘Louis.’ His voice was gentle. ‘Go home. Seriously, don’t come back here. You’re a nice guy.’
‘I’m going crazy, okay? I can’t just leave it at that,’ Louis confessed, his nerves suddenly returning full force.
Harry’s smile faded completely. ‘Go home,’ He repeated. ‘I don’t want your money.’
‘Harry-’
‘Louis, come on. Give me a break. Can’t you just accept that it isn’t going to happen and go away?’
Louis was tempted to get down on one knee, beg for forgiveness, anything to make the sudden desperation in Harry’s eyes disappear. A horrible rush of guilt overtook him, but he couldn’t figure out what he should feel guilty for.
It was then that a shiny black car with tinted windows pulled up to the kerb beside them. They both looked over at it and Harry sighed.
Louis turned back to him, back to those deep, deep eyes.
Harry’s expression tugged at something in his chest – he looked reluctant to leave, the corners of his mouth turned down, brow furrowed, but his eyes were hardened with what could only be determination.
They simply gazed at one another for a moment, before Harry turned and walked over to the car to open the back door, tossing his barely-smoked cigarette to the pavement as he went.
‘Harry.’
He glanced back at Louis, fingers still clenched around the door handle tightly.
‘I don’t want to just leave it at that.’ Louis said truthfully, shifting uncomfortably.
Harry sighed, mask breaking, and ran a hand through his hair before his expression hardened once more. ‘Look, Louis, I was just bored the other night, alright? You were a good way to pass the time but it’s not going to happen again. Leave me alone.’
Louis stayed silent as Harry turned away from him and slid into the back seat, shutting the door behind him.
He stood on the street corner long after the car had driven away, taking the very last dredges of his sanity with it.