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I thought the hardest part of having to confront Maya in relation to my alleged, and now confirmed, pregnancy was her fears, my fears, the combination of them, the fear for Viviana, Maya backing off, the nightmares of my past pregnancy...but no. The hardest part was getting Maya to accept the idea that my doctor should be Letizia. From the moment we got up yesterday morning, with the idea of picking Vivi up from her sleepover, taking her to daycare, going to the hospital, and having her examine me, Maya began a tarantella of controversy that she looked like the pregnant one. to the point that after getting dressed on the fly I left her at home to blow off some steam on her own while I took Viviana to kindergarten. Finally, with exactly one minute to go before the visit, which I had asked Letizia without giving her too much information, Maya relented and even tried to show her best smile when she welcomed us into her office.
The blood test, the gynecological examination, the ultrasound all confirmed that I am pregnant, with perfectly adequate levels on all fronts, both of fetal growth and the well-being of both of us. And it was in the face of these confirmations that I was assured that I will never love anyone as much as I love Maya and that I am the luckiest person in the world to have her. For a moment I feared that all my hormonal storms, which have made me so unbearable and unstable these past few weeks, had driven her away from me. I keep telling her that I absolutely do not want my pregnancy to become a justification for all my bad acts and bad words spoken in the period just past. But there is no explanation that I can give her anymore, because by now Maya is completely bamboozled with this pregnancy thing. When Letizia turned the ultrasound screen toward us, I recognized exactly, of course, what I was supposed to be looking at, and I was thrilled: it was overwhelming to be able to reach out a hand and shake Maya's, to finally feel as two, to be able to share this immense joy with someone. Nothing, however, could prepare me for the wave of emotion I felt when I turned my gaze and found Maya in tears, staring dreamily at the screen, only to confess to me a few minutes later that she had no idea what she should be looking at to recognize the fetus. In Maya's tears I found all the love she has for me, I found a sense of relaxation, as if a weight had finally been lifted from both of our shoulders and we could now share this experience all over again, together at last. There is no doubt that I consider Maya to be Viviana's other parent, just as I am sure that Maya loves her so much that she would do anything for her, to the point that I am also sure that if she had to choose, she would always prefer Viviana to me. There is also no doubt that by now I am saying "our daughter" more and more often when I talk about Viviana. But now in my womb is growing exactly the fruit of our love, as the perfect mixture of the two of us, and it is an overwhelming emotion.
We agreed to wait a little longer before telling anyone else, including Viviana, but it is very difficult to contain the excitement, joy and happiness only in our bubble. I am so happy and Maya's excitement is so addictive that I want to shout it to the whole world.
Being pregnant has changed my perspective on everything- I know it's wrong, because I'm the first one who doesn't want pregnancy to be used as a justification for my behaviors -, but I can't help but scale back all my jealousies and relationship "drama" in the face of this news. So the fact that right now Maya is about to face the first dinner of her business trip together with Caterina becomes something very light for me.
If I, however, this morning, immediately after Maya's departure, went to my psychotherapist, as usual, with whom I could finally give an explanation to so many whys and with whom I could immediately begin to work on this topic, because I am sure that hundreds of thoughts and comparisons will develop inside me, this time not only with my mom, but also with the previous pregnancy. So if I am fortunate enough to have tools to be able to put my emotions in place, the same does not seem to be true for my daughter.
This morning when I dropped her off at daycare, for the first time in a long time, she started crying and did not want me to leave. When I then went to pick her up today, the teachers informed me that it had been a bad day: she cried several times, she fought with a child, whose hair she also pulled, she refused to eat more than a piece of bread - in short, almost a tragedy according to them. I thought that taking her to the park, instead of punishing her, might be an opportunity to hang out, see if she wanted to talk to me about something or otherwise give her a chance to let off steam by playing, but there was almost no way to get her off the bench that I sat on. She played a bit by kicking a rock in my surroundings, a few minutes on a swing, and then we stood side by side in silence like two old ladies each reading her own book, me fiction, her a book about cardboard and stuffed animals that Maya bought her. Each of my attempts at dialogue was promptly interrupted by Vivi's pouting or even worse by a hysterical fit of crying.
So I soon gave up and took her home, where I hoped again that doing activities together in the safety of the four walls of the house would help her relax and open up to me, but instead I seem to have had the opposite effect. I proposed that we make cookies together, but after the first mold that didn't come out the way she evidently wanted, she slammed everything down on the table and left crying in her room. I proposed that we take a nice bath together in the tub, with all her favorite water toys, but she refused. I asked her if she wanted to invite some friends over and she refused that too. And when it came time for dinner she started crying without me being able to do or say anything to stop her. She fell asleep exhausted on the couch, without having eaten anything, only to wake up an hour or so later, raging like a beast, hungry, but at the same time always crying. Now I've been trying to put her to bed for an hour, hoping that the night will bring improvement, but she struggles to stay awake at all costs, almost punching herself in the face, in order not to close her eyes, and when she calms down it's only to pull up with her nose the last remnant of tears in her body.
Exhausted and without energy, I decide to call Maya even though I had promised myself that I would not bother her first, but would wait for her call that would surely come as soon as possible. Instead, I find myself more unnerved than ever to call her for the third time in a row because my cell phone keeps ringing off the hook and then going to voicemail. On the fourth attempt she finally answers.
M < hey, I'm sorry, but I'm at dinner..>
C < sure, sure..> I say acidly, then bite my lip regretting it right away.
M < we're not alone, there are also customers..> Maya quickly points out, also making me feel guilty.
C < that's not why I said that..> I sigh.
M < is everything okay?> Maya then asks, perhaps having realized that something is wrong.
C < no..> I say, realizing that I am about to burst into tears.
M < are you sick? Tell me what's wrong, I'll try to do what I can to come right away..>
C < I am fine. It's Viviana..>
M < what's wrong with her?>
C < I don't know!> and I raise the tone of my voice a little. < I don't know, I'm exhausted..she had a bad day at school today, she even grabbed herself by the hair with a classmate, she didn't eat anything...I tried to get her to do everything today to get her to relax, but she's getting more and more hysterical...she gets angry for nothing, she throws things up in the air.... and then she cries, amore, she cries so much that before she fell asleep out of exhaustion..but I don't know what to do anymore..now I've been trying to put her to bed for an hour and nothing, she punches herself in the face just to not sleep, I don't know what to do anymore..> I vent, throwing everything out and crying too.
M < love, take it easy. Did you ask her what happened? What's wrong with her? >
C < and what do you think? Of course I asked her, but she doesn't talk to me!>
M < okay, maybe she's angry about what happened in kindergarten..maybe she's afraid you're angry with her...have you tried asking her? > I shake my head.
C < no, I hadn't even thought of that..> I sigh.
M < is there anything else? >
C < are you in a hurry?> I ask sourly and hear her smile.
M < no, you sighed. What else do you have to say?> now I'm the one smiling at her knowing me so well.
C < earlier when she collapsed from fatigue she kept stirring in her sleep and repeating MayMay..> I admit.
M < was she calling me? Are you saying I'm the problem?> I shake my head.
C < you are not the problem, stupid, she was looking for you! Do you think it's possible that she sensed our quarrels in the past few days and now you're not there and maybe she thinks who knows what?> Maya doesn't answer me and after a few moments I urge her. < amore, are you there?> Maya just nods.
M < give me a few hours..> and so saying puts the call down. I stand like a fool staring at the phone screen without understanding what has happened, then I pull myself together and return to face an increasingly exhausted Viviana who continues to fight with all her strength against sleep. For tonight I decide to take her into the big bed with me, although I have always tried to make her independent and let her sleep in her own little room, but for today we can make an exception.
[...]
I jolt awake as my alarm goes off about 3 a.m., hearing noises coming from the rest of the house. I barely look over and finally Viviana seems to be sleeping peacefully hugging Maya's pillow, after fighting and kicking in vain for a while longer. I try to wait for news of Maya and then fall asleep still half-dressed and in an all-disheveled position, out of the comforter. I quickly get up and grab a robe, before venturing through the rest of the house to find out what these noises are. I soon figure it out, when seconds after opening the bedroom door, I am confronted by Maya. I open my mouth wide in surprise and for a few moments my voice doesn't even come out.
C < but what are you doing here?> I finally ask and Maya instead of answering me squeezes me tightly to her in a tight hug, which of course I do not refuse. I then drag her toward the kitchen and put on some chamomile tea for both of us.
C < amore, are you crazy?> I almost scream when she explains to me the ingenious plan she has in mind: she thought it was wise to drop everything in Puglia, make the distance from Lecce to Roma at the speed of light, to arrive here at three in the morning, only to leave at the latest tomorrow morning, or rather this morning, at eight a.m., because she only managed to move her business dates to lunchtime and not later. What is even crazier about the plan is that at the eight o'clock restart, she will load Viviana into the car and keep her with her the next two days.
C < I can't just drop everything and come..> I insist.
M < love, I know and I'm sorry, but I'm taking Vivi. If I'm the problem, I'll solve it..> I roll my eyes.
C < with a crazy plan? You're more likely to both crash into a highway pole, five kilometers outside Rome..> I snort.
M < you know I'm careful..> she complains.
C < under normal conditions, sure! I would have no problem with you being away for a weekend with Viviana, if, however, before traveling you had spent a fair number of hours sleeping and were sufficiently relaxed!> Maya sighs and says nothing. < and then how will you do with your schedule?> she shrugs.
M < we have to go around houses, I think she can tolerate it...and then we still have an important lunch, but as long as she's there eating with us and coloring there are no problem..> I sigh.
C < and you can't solve a situation without being a show-off?> Maya bursts out laughing and pulls me against her, making me sit on her lap.
M <you love me for that too..> she whispers with her lips on my neck. I roll my eyes laughing and don't answer, because I should confirm.
C < but do you pay attention?> she nods.
M < and I'll update you every minute. I promise..> she anticipates me.
C < and to sleep?> I inquire.
M < I told you even I had taken a room at my place, she can sleep in the big bed for two nights..and then we'll be here in time to spend the weekend together..>
C < and kindergarten?> Maya laughs.
M < I thought that would be the first thing you'd object to...kindergarten is fine love...it's full of kids who miss days because they're sick or because they go on long weekends with their parents...it's important, but right now it's more important for her to miss two days to regain serenity maybe, right?> I sigh.
C < and I stay here all alone?> Maya laughs again.
M < do you know what I heard?> she asks seriously and I just turn around in her arms to get a better look at her.
C < what? >
M < that you are not alone..> she whispers: I look into her eyes, but I feel her hand resting softly on my belly. I roll my eyes at her sappiness.
C < let's go..> I whisper, without answering her and getting up from her, grabbing her hand. Maya looks at me confused.
M < what did I do?> she asks puzzled and I laugh, stopping and hugging her.
C < nothing, but I don't want to prolong any talk, because it's 3:30 a.m. and in a very few hours you have to leave, so I want you to sleep...>
M < if I sleep hugging you, it will be the most restful night in the world..> I laugh, pulling away from her and leaving a little kiss on her lips.
C < how corny you are! And then it will be difficult..>
M < why?> she asks and I open the door to our room, to show her Viviana sleeping, finally a little more serene, completely abandoned in the middle of the bed. < ah..> she just says and I laugh softly.
C < come on..> I whisper, pulling her, but she with more force pulls me against her.
M < at least kiss me first..> she whispers on my lips. I nod imperceptibly and let myself be carried away by her kiss, until we end up against the door frame, however, and I know it would take very little to ignite the flame. I pull away from her with difficulty, resting my hands on her chest, while Maya, panting, rests her forehead against mine. We take a few more moments of closeness before parting to squeeze into bed for these miserable hours of sleep ahead of us.
In fact, I have hardly been able to sleep at all, with all the thoughts and worries related to Viviana swirling around in my head, but it was relaxing nonetheless to be able to spend the night watching Maya sleep so peacefully and Viviana finally quieter in our midst. The clock on my cell phone reads 7:30, so I decide to snooze for another half an hour before waking both of them up, but my daughter's biological clock has now run its course and as usual she wakes up almost wide awake, opening her eyes wide and throwing a smile that lights up the room. This morning her smile is a little duller, perhaps the result of yesterday's day, until, however, she turns her head and recognizes Maya sleeping next to us. She almost catches her breath when she looks at me surprised and happy, before she jumps up on the bed and starts screaming, calling out for Maya. I laugh at her boisterous display of affection and rise up on one elbow to better watch her jump like crazy on the mattress and then throw herself at Maya, practically lying on top of her. Maya lets out a grunt letting us know that at least she is alive, and Viviana reacts to the news by getting up again and then jumping on top of her. I stop her, while laughing, trying to explain that it is a game through which they could get hurt, but before Viviana hears me, by then she has already jumped with all her might, resting her nimble little foot on Maya's semi-erect penis, who at that point lets out an animalistic scream and writhes on herself. Viviana crosses her legs, sitting up and looking at me now worried, already on the verge of crying again. I smile at her and, trying not to burst out laughing, approach Maya, whose back is to us. I place a hand on her shoulder, trying to turn her toward us.
C < amore?> I just say, before stifling a laugh.
M < I might have just become infertile..> she whispers and when she turns around I realize she has tears in her eyes.
C < luckily that is no longer needed..> I comment and she grimaces.
M < hope at least in something still works..> I bite my lip nodding and then we both turn to the silent witness of our dialogue, who now pulls up her nose.
C < love, don't cry, nothing happened..>
V < Maya is crying..> she says, throwing herself into my embrace. I smile, kissing her head and holding her tightly to me.
C < there was an accident, now her boo-boo is gone and everything is fine..>
V < can you give her a kiss so it goes by faster?> I turn to Maya wanting to make a joke about having to give her a kiss right there, but she holds up a finger.
M < don't you dare..> she whispers between her teeth and then reaches a hand toward Viviana's back. < if you hug me I bet I'll get over it much faster..> she then says, but Viviana struggles to pull away from me.
C < go..> I invite her and she shakes her head.
M < little one, nothing happened, come here..> she invites her and then sighs. < do you want to know what you and I are going to do together today?> she asks and Viviana at that point turns toward her, while still sitting on me.
V < what? >
M < do you remember I told you I was going to be gone a few nights? Because I have to work somewhere a little far from here?> Viviana nods. < if you want to, with mom we thought you can come with me. We'll sleep out, eat out..>
V < is there the sea?> she interrupts her and Maya laughs.
M < we can go there, yes..>
V < then I'm coming!> she exclaims and finally throws herself on Maya, hugging her. Maya looks at me and smiles, while I by instinct bring a hand to my belly, thinking of the day when our family will be complete indeed.
Are you ready for some Vivi & Maya time?