| CHAPTER XII |
I would get married in seven days and last week was important for me to get ready for that. I may have spent more time with Louis, but I can't deny that Billy's presence bothered me somewhat.
They were very close, had inner jokes and that I didn't really understand. It was hard because eventually I felt like an intruder amongst them. The feeling of going out reminded me of awful memories of all the times I tried to socialize with people and failed.
I've been a shy, introverted kid my whole life. I never went to school or hang out with kids my own age, my experience of making friends has always been complicated. I didn't understand people and I didn't know how to contact them, so my teenage years were a little traumatic.
I tried to be a member of different groups, but I never felt welcome. Louis and Billy made me remember those moments.
We were out almost every day shopping, attending events and dinners. We had fun experiences, but for a few moments I just wanted to relax in my bed.
Louis was very excited for his bachelor party. He chose a yacht big enough to transport forty people. That impressed me, because even for silly parties like this he liked to be ambitious.
As a rule, I couldn't be invited to that party. I was even thankful that this rule existed, because I was tired and didn't want to socialize with people anymore. I still didn't think this party was really necessary, but Louis insisted it was going to be fun.
I refused to do any partying even when Liam insisted. But I agreed to spend the night with him to drink and discuss, things that we frequently did. He was still acting weird, since the last time he saw me talking to Harry.
I thought maybe Harry hadn't shown the interest Liam imagined him to have. Maybe it made him jealous. But it wasn't my fault that Liam was such an unlucky flirt.
As Louis' party was supposed to be that evening, I saw him leave early to make arrangements. The guests that I knew were just Billy and Joseph. The other guests I really didn't know who they were, but Louis told me they were just friends.
I left the Bower mansion at night. That house was always full of people, but at the same time it looked empty without Harry and the kids.
While he was at Oxford, Harry and I spoke to each other every day. He and Jacob looked like they were having a great time. This Saturday would be the last of the festival before his return to London on Sunday and I had a couple of tickets to visit. I didn't call Louis because I knew he wouldn't say yes.
Maybe I wasn't following the precious advice I had received, but I really didn't see my life going in any other way. I just accepted the decision.
I was at Liam's apartament in the Soho district. He didn't usually pick me up in the parking lot, but that day he wanted to come with me on the elevator.
Liam had a heavy breath of alcohol, I thought he might have just left a party, but he was actually having a party. When the elevator doors opened, I noticed that the hallway was littered with cups and coloured papers on the floor.
I could picture what was going on, so I waited until he opened the door to make sure. There were several people there and many of them worked for me. Everyone was drunk.
"What the hell is going on?" I spoke loud enough for Liam to hear me in the middle of the loud music.
"It's your bachelor party! Did you really think I wouldn't do it?" said with a smile on his face.
I watched those people dancing and kissing in exactly every corner of that house between the red and blue lights, it all looked like a nightclub. Some people came at me like zombies yelling that I was finally there. I looked at Liam again and saw him laughing as if he found the whole thing very funny.
"You haven't even seen the best part yet." Liam pointed his finger at a naked boy with long hair. "You guys can use my room, tonight is your last chance to fuck someone else before you spend the rest of your life fucking Louis, so take it. He kind of looks like Harry, don't you think?" He laughs, referring to the boy who came at me.
I was a bit puzzled at how gross it was. Liam messed with me once, but now he's gone too far.
He ignored my wishes, he didn't act like a best friend. And if it wasn't enough, Liam could do worse by trying to compete for another person's attention. He was trying to insinuate a lot of things to make me feel guilty.
I already knew that nothing could be solved with a conversation, so I decided that the best thing I could do was to leave the house. I ran towards the elevator and pressed the buttons.
"Are you really going to do that? I made this fucking party for you!" he shouted as I was still waiting for the elevator.
"I didn't ask for any fucking party." I replied, but without raising my voice.
"I'm your witness, I did it because I want it to be something nice and that's the way you thank me?"
"If you think that what you are doing is a big deal, I am sorry to inform that you are being a complete asshole." I replied as I entered the elevator and pressed the button.
"You're playing dumb, Malik. But I'll enjoy the party for you, especially the boy. If that doesn't make you jealous since he looks a lot like..."
I couldn't let him keep being so disgusting like that. I didn't even wait until he mentioned Harry's name, I just walked out of the elevator and punched him in the face. That was just once, but enough for him to fall to the ground with the impact.
Liam looked at me with his eyes wide open when he put his hand over his nose, he didn't even know how to act or react, he remained there.
The elevator doors closed and I was finally able to breathe.
I walked to my car with an extremely fast heartbeat. Acting violently was not something I felt right about, and doing it to somebody I liked so much made me feel even worse.
There was a rush of adrenaline in my blood that made me leave that place immediately and drive aimlessly into the streets. I was nervous and had no idea what to do.
I pulled the car over the corner and took my phone. I thought of calling Louis, but he probably wouldn't leave the party to be with me. Then I saw some messages from Harry and this made me feel better. Maybe I would feel better being in his presence than spending my time trying to convince Louis to stay with me.
I looked at the clock and saw that if I made my way to Oxford, I might still get there with two hours left until the end of the festival. I had the tickets and one night free, nothing stopped me from making this journey.
Then I went there. On the way, I thought about what I was going to say to Harry, but nothing that seemed right popped into my head. I decided not to say anything.
I didn't want Harry to notice how upset I was. I was trying to convince my brain that I didn't attack anyone and that Liam never say those things.
[...]
When I arrived at the festival, I saw that it was a kind of gallery. There were many people coming and going and as soon as I parked my car, I presented my ticket to enter.
I already knew what part of the gallery Harry was in, so I made my way to the sculpture room.
When I walked into the auditorium, I saw Jacob sitting in the first row while looking at his brother on the stage. Harry had a kind of microphone that revolved around his head. His hands were busy sculpting something made of clay, a kind of human torso.
"Hey, Zayn!" Jacob whispered, calling me to sit next to him. "You came!"
"Yeah, I couldn't miss this chance."
I was so excited to attend the class, that when I paid attention to it, I ended up forgetting everything else.
And while I only had eyes for Harry, the rest of the visitors were carefully following how the piece was carved and the techniques he was using.
He talked to the public about an average of thirty people while modeling the sculpture. Sometimes he made jokes that made everybody laugh. It was a comfortable place and the charisma of the artist was evident. Harry was very focused the whole time and because of that he took a long time to notice my presence.
In twenty minutes, he succeeded in persuading several visitors to try this type of art. And even if it was his job there, Harry seemed even happier to know that new people were ready to try something he liked.
When he saw me, he went downstairs, took off his microphone, and came straight to me with a smile on his face.
"I can't believe you came." he said, putting his arms around me.
"I needed to come." I said when we stood back.
"Louis is with you?"
"Actually no. Louis would rather party somewhere else. By the way, I really enjoyed the class."
"I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now come with me, we have lots of things to see."
Harry put our arms together so that we could go together to other rooms where there were exhibits and many freelance artists trying to sell their art.
He introduced me to a few people, including the couple who invited him to the festival. Harry had friends who were as kind as him, people who managed to make me feel comfortable. I was very happy there.
During the closing ceremony, we watched a contemporary dance performance in which the dancers wore hand-painted suits. We were on the side of the stage, Harry next to me, again holding my arm and only taking his hands to cheer at the end.
"That was cool, right?" he asked looking at me.
"Yes, absolutely." I said "I didn't want it to end."
"Me either... but we have to go home."
"Do you want to go with me? In my car?" I asked.
"That would be great! You can wait for me there, and I'll get my stuff." he replied.
Jacob and I walked together in the car park and on the way he told me what he thought about the experience. Just like his brother, he also felt happy to be there.
Harry took about ten minutes to join us and brought along a suitcase of clothes and a box that were put in the trunk. I waited for him to get into the car and looked at the clock, seeing that it was already midnight and Jacob was getting ready for sleep in the back seat.
"He seems tired." I commented looking at the boy in the rear-view mirror.
"Thank God you're a good driver." Harry said.
Travel at this time of night would be even easier because there were few cars and we were not at risk of rain on the way. The sky was bright and starry, even if the weather was a bit cold.
"I missed you." I said while driving.
"Really? Did anyone else feel that or just you?"
"Maybe I miss you more than everyone else." It made me laugh and he laughed at the same time.
"I've missed you too. You and the kids saved my vacation, I'm making amazing memories here. It's been a while since I felt like that..."
"Like what?" I asked as I looked away from the road and stared into his eyes.
"After my marriage was over, I decided to live in solitude. And for the past three years, I've been on my own every day, going from home to work to work to home. Teaching my classes and consulting, all my dealings with people are extremely professional." He just stopped and looked out the window. "Few times have I taken the time to hang out with friends or invited them to my house for dinner. Few times have I felt as welcomed as I do now. I feel like if I needed you and you were okay with it, you'd probably be there for me, you know? Something uncommon for such a new friendship."
It almost blew me away. Even if I could identify with his feelings, I was also struggling to understand why Harry could touch me in the heart in such a confusing way. I liked him very much and everything he said seemed right.
"You're the best Bowers I know, and nobody can change my mind about that. It's an honor to be your friend and to be here with you now." I said only a part of what I wanted to say.
"Louis is a Bower too, remember?"
"He definitely is. However, there's still a lot of things about him that need to change and I want to help him with that since I chose him to spend the rest of my life with, right? I like him and his imperfections. I fell in love with the best of him, and that is what I think about every time I stop to think about it."
"Do you love him? Be honest." Harry asked and I didn't know what to say, it took me a while to find out a good answer.
"The definition of love to me is too powerful. The only one I ever loved in this life was my mother."
"Your mother... You never talked about her."
I took a deep breath. Talking about my mom was still very challenging.
"She's not here anymore." That's what I said without looking off the road.
"I am so sorry...You will never be able to love someone the same way you loved her, but I wish you could feel at least some of that feeling again."
"I shall feel it on time. I don't know if I still love Louis, perhaps what we feel about each other is a pile of feelings. He never said he loved me, and I don't feel that I'd be honest if I said I love him, too. It's complicated, I know."
That was the first time I had that type of conversation with anyone.
"I understand you, Zayn. We have something in common, similar experiences. You thought you'd be alone forever so you were looking for a future perspective in another person. Louis has probably conquered you with his charisma and seduction and from the beginning of your relationship you have been working on this. While you think you're in the right place, you wonder what type of hole you're in and can't get out of, right?"
I just agreed, trying to hold back the tears of guilt I felt for thinking that way. It was like Harry paid a visit to my mind and figured out exactly what was going on inside.
"When I was in your shoes, I chose to try as much as I could and I learned a great deal at the end. No matter what the future holds for you, collect all the good things from every learning. You are masters of your own choosing and I will be there for you, no matter what."
"Thank you for every kind word." I said as I took his hand and laid a kiss on that soft skin. Harry smiled and did the same.
We didn't speak until we got to the Bowers' house. When we got there, Harry got out of the car to wake up Jacob and I helped him carry the baggage to the room. Apparently, everyone was sleeping at that time, so we did it all in silence.
"Thank you for tonight, it's always so nice to be with you." I said.
"I'm the one who needs to thank you for everything. Being with you is always a pleasure." He whispered, coming closer and wrapping his arms around my body for another hug.
His embrace was strong and I took the opportunity to smooth those long hair I had wanted to touch for a long time.
"Good night, Zayn." he whispered to me.
"Good night, Harry." I whispered, walking back to my room.
His bright green eyes were the last things I saw before I lay in bed. For a moment, I wished those eyes were the first thing I saw when I woke up.
Something was going on with me and consciously I already knew what it was.
| TO BE CONTINUED |
• They're finally understanding their own feelings guys, I shouldn't say something is happening but something is happening. See you next week 👀💕