Fuck you. Honestly.
I know why I did it, why I let you in; I saw the best in you. But sometimes the best isn't good enough. I would not have learned any other way; at that point in my life, I had to pursue you, in order to learn.
I thought your good would win out the bad.
And it will - eventually. I hope.
Yet even now, have I learned my lesson? If I find someone else, will I say perhaps this one really can change? I hope I will not repeat the same mistake on someone more dangerous than you.
I hope I will never again let someone's hands around my neck who is like you.
I will never again let someone's hands around my neck who is like you: too ignorant, too proud, too broken. And I understand you, I do. But that is not, was never, nor ever should be, enough.
I will die before I become my parents' relationship. And I was close. Too close. My mother saw the good in my father; it lured her in. The bad was pushed aside. It can be fixed, she said. And yes, brokenness can be healed. But very few will ever put in the effort.
Perhaps you will, perhaps you will not.
I allowed you over me. I allowed you into my mind. I allowed you to pass the walls of my heart. I allowed you the honor of holding my life in your hands. I failed to see you do not understand what the lives of girls are worth.
I hope that one day we both learn.
3-11-23