"I want him." He admitted, as he held the phone to his ear, still laying atop of Atsushi's, now, sleeping body.
"It's two in the morning." Chuuya grumbled out, half asleep.
"Chuuya, I want him. And I know you do too." The brunet spoke up, a tad bit more sober than before.
"And what do you want me to do about that?" The executive undoubtedly rolled his eyes, grumply.
"Tell me what to do. You deserve him more." The brunet said, as he leaned on his elbow and looked down upon the sleeping face, his eyes losing focus.
"I don't know what to do, but it's getting….hard to just be content with having him around." He said, again, his head spinning as he reached out with the hand he was leaning on, touching the boy's cheek.
"He's not a puppy or a kitten. " The redhead reminded over the line, his voice seemingly exhausted. "He's a person." And that made his touch stop for a second. "It's real simple, we sit him down and talk with him about it."
And say what, he wanted to ask.
Say that Chuuya, a man who has no control over himself, his ability, his drinking problem, a man who although caring, is also only caring about others, leaving himself to rot away, a man who drowns his troubles in Tobacco clouds and drowns that smell out with the smell of fermented grapes, fell for someone just because they showed him the slightest bit of vulnerabilit and trust?
Say that Dazai, a man as cold as ice, that was made numb by tbe anesthesia of his own mind, a man who drowns himself in the smell of whiskey for a sense of familiarity, man who when his closest friend died hasn't shed a single tear, has felt the first warmth of his life once pretty sunset eyes clashed with his own after he tried to kill himself? That he fell for someone because for the first time in his pathetic life, he couldn't feel angry at the person for trying to save the said mistake of a life?
Tell the little tiger that he felt something because of the caring touches, endearing eye rolls and soft words of comfort for the first time since he was born? That he craved the warmth, the presence, instead of the cold shadows of his home?
"He already cares about us. That much is clear." The redhead sighed through the phone, making him nod thoughtfully, even though his friend couldn't see it. "I just don't know to what extent. He might not like either of us in that way." And for Atsushi, that would be the best case scenario. There is no point in grabbing a broken platter and trying to fix it, you'll only cut yourself in the process, after all.
"And if that happens, I'll back off. And so will you." Of course, he wanted to say. Of course he'd back off. Hell, even without being outright rejected, even with the boy staring at his lips, he still pushed him away, for his own good. "We let him live his life and find someone." Someone deserving, he wanted to add, but kept his tongue behind his teeth.
"But…if he chooses one of us, we deal with that decision."
What if. What if, he thought, what if Atsushi chose him. What if the cute little tiger stared up at him with those caring little eyes, put those frail, thin fingers on his shoulder and kissed him shyly. Could he take that dose of electricity that ran through his veins each time he touched the little beast?
"I know you're thinking that you don't deserve him, but it's not about who deserves him, it's about who he actually wants." And he supposed that was right. Perhaps, the person playing with fire knew what they were doing. Knew that they could get burned. Maybe the burn helped them feel warmer in the cold.
Still. Chuuya…he also deserved more. Deserved happiness, deserved to not be the second best for once in his life.
Then, a thought struck him.
"What if….he doesn't have to choose between us?" He asked, as he stared at the tiger.
The idea was entertaining.
It was good.
A little rocky, in hindsight, but could potentially work out.
"....if you recommend he dates both of us at the same time just to try us out so he can decide, I'll kick your ass." The tiredness in his friend's voice made him chuckle.
"No. I mean, he doesn't have to pick at all. Let him date us both, if he wants." He mumbled, under his breath, shoving his cheek back down against the boy's chest.
"Why choose one, y'know?"
The warmth made him comfortable again.
"Besides, I feel like…I feel like that'd be the best way to deal with the situation." And it was true. For one, Atsushi couldn't possibly reject someone without feeling bad about it. He couldn't choose between two people who, in his mind, saved his life. And another thing…well, if he was even about to try to date someone, he needed someone to help him not become the worst version of himself. To stop him from fucking up. From controlling his partner, from isolating himself from the said partner, to explain and help the person understand Dazai's thought process.
Because he knew. He knew that he himself could barely understand how he thought. Chuuya, on the other hand, knew his thoughts. Could read his course of action.
Understand where he was coming from, yet judge him upon it if it wasn't justifiable.
Because every action has a repercussion and yet a reason behind it.
"Even if he only liked one of us, he's too nice to outright say he liked one more than the other." He continued, listening to Chuuya's breath over the line.
"So, if he perhaps wishes to, he can have both of us. In all our fucked up glory."
"Man, you're insane." The redhead sighed, exhausted from the talk and from his mission earlier that day. "How would that even work?" He asked, interested nonetheless.
"Well, simple, really. If he agrees to date us, we date him." Chuuya let out a groan, one that said no shit Sherlock, but one that made him chuckle nonetheless.
"We both get to feel the warmth. Lean into his gentle little touches without feeling like we cheated the other out of the comfort." The brunet carried on, as he listened to the soft little drum of Atsushi's heart.
"We kiss him, take him on dates, share him equally and don't allow one another to accidentally hurt him." He knew that he could be a lot to deal with. That his words were hurtful, his cold demeanour demeaning and his need for constant care a bit overwhelming. The newfound crave for attention was overwhelming to him too , let alone Atsushi.
He also knew that the redhead was the type of person to speak before he could even process his thoughts. That he was the kind of person who was stern in all possible aspects, drowned himself in work and took work seriously. So his partner being a subordinate, could result in him snapping at the poor tiger a tad bit too harshly.
"I know I'll fuck up. I need you there, in a way." He admitted, through a breath. And it took quite a bit of strength to say that. Once finally cut loose from the strings of being a puppet, Dazai tied them right back up and passed them over to another, to keep him in control, the man thought bitterly. Yet he knew, that if he didn't hand the strings over to Chuuya, he'd use them to tie them around his own throat and take this misery of a life away.
"And you need me to keep you from breaking, too."
He knew that some might think that he was being cocky, but he also knew that Chuuya was a puppet too. And puppets never make it long, never have enough reasons to move, ideas on how to move, without their puppeteer.
"That's the best possible solution to make sure everything goes well." He was thinking about this more like someone would about a job, he knew it was fucked up to try and plan ahead of a relationship that didn't even happen, but he had to think of everything. How else would he insure that he was falling safely, if he didn't at the very least put a mattress on the pavement under the building?
"Besides, monogamy is pretty boring. Don't you think?" He chucked, as usual, trying to make it into a joke.
"Actually…yeah. If Atsushi wants to…I wouldn't be opposed to that." The redhead mumbled, softly, like this solution of his wasn't as insane as them.
But he supposed the insanity made sense.
After all, they shared trauma, pain and hardship. Why shouldn't share the good things in their life, too?
-RAN-
Chuuya: perhaps he'll choose to be YOURS
Dazai, tipping fyodor's hat he found at a dumpster: OURS, comrade 😻💅