The crippled soldier sits on the bench again. I hadn't come in for a few days, afraid of what I'd come to know by showing him my family.
I take a seat beside him and silently hand him my sketchbook, opened to the pages of my family. He peers down at me, then at the intricate charcoal art work.
"I'm sorry for your loss," is all he says after a few moments of silence, keeping the book in his hand. "Your father, he took bullets for me me at one point," he explains. "Truly, a noble man. And your sisters, they stuck in the trenches... But I did not see them make it out."
I don't cry. I don't move, afraid that I'll mess up time and space and take another person's life. "And my mother?"
He shrugs, "there was word of an Eldian Restorationist following in Dina Fritz' footsteps, trying to create a legacy. But no, I did not see her."
I sigh, I've had too many panic attacks to have another one now. I already knew, deep down, that my family is gone. And yet, I had hope. All it did was make me more disappointed than I already was.
"You're very skilled," he muses, and I realize he has flipped to a different page. Eren's burning eyes stare back at me from the page, and I snatch the book from his frail hands.
"That's private, it's not very nice to go through someone's things without their permission," I close the book, holding it against my chest.
He gazes down at me, emotionless, with that dead eye. "Apologies, miss."
"What's your name?" I ask after getting up to leave, ignoring his empty apology.
"Kruger."
Kruger is an odd man, indeed. Poor thing, war left him mentally deranged.
Reiner still has not returned home since our latest ordeal. I have not eaten since then.
A knock on the door resounds and I open the door, expecting Reiner. It is Gabi.
She holds a plastic container in her hands and holds it up to me. "Reiner sent this," she says. "He says to eat if you wanna be strong."
I take the container from her and invite her in. She continues talking about other things Reiner says. Inside the container is a serving of spaghetti. I put it on the shelf and talk to Gabi until she gets tired and leaves.
Her conversations only consist of how great Marley is and how bad Paradis is and how she can't wait to take the Armoured Titan. Hearing the words from a child's mouth will never not be disturbing, I realize.
Just when I thought things were getting normal, they started going downhill again. I wanted to make the most of life before the Rumbling began, since there's no way I'll survive that.
But, of course, there's always hiccups in the road.
Reiner is sitting on his couch, a rifle propped up in his hand. The lights are dim and I squint my eyes to look through the little opening in his living room curtains.
He's staring up at the ceiling, head leaned back, as he runs his finger along the trigger of the rifle. And I wonder what kind of thoughts he's waging war with.
I knock on his door, which he opens immediately after a few thuds and curses. When I enter his apartment, his rifle is nowhere in sight, which only makes me think he had a really bad intention with it.
"Are you okay?" I ask him, studying his face.
He sighs, nodding, and gestures to the couch. "Was just laying on the sofa," he explains. His eyes are bloodshot as if he had been crying, the tip of his nose a rosy colour.
"Why were you crying?"
He takes a deep, but shaky breath. "I don't want to talk about it. Please, just leave me alone for now."
I open my mouth to offer words of affection, but I decide not to. Instead, I wrap my arms around his waist, resting my head against his big chest. "You don't need to answer my questions, but at least let me hold you."
So much for distancing myself from him.
He sniffles, his body relaxing, but he doesn't hug me back. His heart beat steadily, and it was almost like it was syncing up with my own because of how calm I felt.
"Why won't you give up on me like everyone else?" He asks quietly. "I feel like I have no purpose anymore. I feel like everyone thinks so."
I look up at him, my heart aching for him and I guess he saw that on my face because he looked away with guilt. "I don't know if everyone has given up on you or not. But I know that I could never. You're strong, and brave. You're amazing, Reiner. And, no one is born with a purpose. Everyone has to find their own."
"What's your purpose?"
The question caught my off guard, and I began smoothing out the wrinkles in Reiner's oversized shirt. "I don't know anymore," I tell him honestly. "My purpose was to protect my family and give them a better life. I'm not sure anymore. I've lost all of them."
"You didn't lose me, or Gabi, Falco, Colt, Pieck... And if you consider the people of Paradis your family, then you have them too." He responds thoughtfully, but it felt like he was testing me for my reaction instead.
"That just makes it harder because it's two separate sides and... Morals," I run my finger along the thin, rounded collar of his shirt.
He takes my hand and places it at my side. "I'm sure that if the time comes, you'll make the right decision. You're smart."
"And what if we end up on opposing sides?"
"Then if I'm in the wrong, you'll talk me out of it and vice versa," he shrugs, as if its a simple analogy like 2+2. "If it doesn't work then it is what it is."
That calms me down a little.
"What do you know that I don't?"
My gaze flickers up to his. And I smile and shake my head. "Nothing. You know I overthink a lot."
"Yeah, either that or you don't think at all," Reiner snorts.
I roll my eyes at him playfully.
He goes serious for a second, then, asks, "hey... In another life, where we had a normal life without problems. Would you marry me?"
This was the second question this night that struck me hard. Marriage. Something I had always wanted as a kid but slowly stopped thinking about as I got older.
"Yeah," I tell him. "I actually used to have a crush on you when we were kids."
His cheeks go pink and he scratches his neck. He doesn't seem flushed or nervous, he seems heart-warmed and content. "And if there was a way for me to get rid of my Titan without dying. Would you?"
In this lifetime, I wasn't sure. "I don't know," and I found myself thinking about Eren instead. "We'd still have a lot of issues to sort out."
He hums, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. "I'd need Sasha to be my maid of honour," I say with a grin. "Oh my god, I'd have to have two maid of honours. So Annie can be one of them."
He smiles. "Bertolt would've been my best man, I don't really have anyone besides that honestly."
"I'll give you Annie. She'd look so good in a suit and tie."
"Shut up," he shakes his head, laughing a little. "And we'd have to get you the biggest, brightest dress. Even if I have to make a ring out of paper, your dress has to be amazing."
The thought of settling down with my childhood friend felt nice. It felt like a purpose. Something to fight for.
Oh, but Eren.
And as I walked home, all I could think about was the difference between Eren and Reiner. They're both so amazing in their own ways.
"Sounds to me like you're in love with two people," Kruger says the next day. "This, René guy and Reiner. They both seem very complex."
"Yes, but René's just so..." I sigh, leaning my head back against the bench. "Man. He's like a piece of self-interpretive art. In the best way possible."
"That's nice," he sounds bitter and disinterested. "Frankly, I don't care about your love life. I am just bored."
"Don't you have a girl you like? Stop being so... Rude."
"Yes, actually," he turns to look at me, and I find the slightest amount of... amusement? In his eye. "She's like a whirlwind. She destroys everything in her path."
"She doesn't sound like a very good person."
"She's not," he smiles wryly. "She left me. I thought I saw something in her before she ran away. I thought she saw something in me."
"She just left without a warning?"
He shrugs. "I think I was just too blindsided to see the warnings. Nonetheless, I do despise her. But there's a thin line between love and hate. I feel like all she has to do is come back and... nudge me over to one side a little. Whichever side she deems best."
"Wow. You're kinda poetic. For a mentally ill soldier."
"And you're kinda pathetic. For a Warrior," he mumbles, but I caught it.
"Shut up before I break the leg you have left," I cross my arms over my chest. "Bitch."
He turns away, letting his hair fall in front of his face. He makes a noise. And I can't tell if he's laughing or crying.
I decide on the latter. "Hey, I was kidding," I place my hand on his shoulder. He flinches at my touch, so I withdraw my hand and get up. "I'm going to get going, Kruger. I need to oversee the festival plannings. Hope to see you there, honestly."
He shakes his head, pushing his hair out of his face and looking up at me. "I don't do festivals. You're welcomed to ditch with me though," he gazes up at me, mischief evident in his jade-coloured eye. "I gotta warn you though, it's not for the faint of heart."
"Please," I scoff, waving my hand in dismissal. "You're acting as if you rob banks in your free time. Thank you for the offer, regardless. I have my duties as a pathetic Warrior."
I bow sarcastically as if he was of royal lineage, "see you after the festival, then, Kruger."
He grunts in response, and I know his eyes are on my body as I walk away. But I don't look back.
I lied to him. I don't need to oversee anything. But it just felt nice showing him that I actually have a job to do. And that I'm not pathetic.
It's obvious that something is going to happen on the night of the festival. Zeke more than implied it. But what exactly was the question.
What if they start the Rumbling? The thought of everything being stampeded by huge titans sent a chill down my spine. No one would survive that.
That's why I have to find out more about my abilities.
I sit crisscrossed on my bed, the curtains drawn back so I can see the quickly setting sun. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath, and then try to envision Ymir.
Nothing.
I sigh, trying to keep a clear image of her in my mind, standing on the cold sand of the terrain I met her on last time.
The bright light behind her, the dark sky. A wooden bucket full of sand.
"Y/N," my eyes snap open.
I'm no longer on my bed. Instead, I sit on the cold sand I was thinking about. I run my fingers through it, picking it up and watching the grains fall.
Ymir sits in front of me, mirroring my position. "Ymir," I smile to her in a greeting. "Can you guide me?"
Her eyes are blank and emotionless, much like someone else I know. "I have given you all the tools and ability you need. In order to harness what you have, you must dig deeper in your own self."
Ominous. Again, like someone else I know.
God, now's not the time to think about Eren fucking Jaeger.
"How?"
"Our power is driven by emotion," she explains, hands clasped in her lap. "If you suppress them, you wont be able to use your power."
"But I don't suppress them. I cry a lot."
"You just suppressed them a second ago, you stopped yourself from feeling for this boy," she stares at me unblinkingly. And as if that weren't enough, she's inside my head now too. "Pick an emotion. Any. Anger, sadness, affection. Think about it, make it yours, let it consume you until you are nothing but that emotion."
I stay quiet, trying to process what she's saying.
"Close your eyes," she instructs. And I do. "Think of someone you hate, or love."
My family.
"Look at how it makes you feel..." She pauses, giving me a second to follow her steps. My family makes me feel loved, but more than that, I feel sorrow because I lost them. And it's all my fault.
"Good," I can hear the childish smile in her town. "Now, let that feeling consume you. Remember, crying doesn't always equal emotion."
I tilt my head up towards the sky, my eyes still closed, and let out a breath.
It's all my fault, they're dead. It's all because of me. I miss Mom, Dad and my sisters. I miss how Dad scolded me and how Mom told me all her secrets. I miss playing board games with my sisters, even though they were too young to really understand the concepts.
I let out another deep breath.
"Good," she muses. "Let that feeling come over you completely, let it suffocate you."
And the sorrow and guilt did feel suffocating. I couldn't escape it. My instinct was to push it deep down to avoid feeling like this, but I did my best to keep it here in my consciousness.
"Open your eyes."
When I open my eyes I'm back in my room.
I get up from my bed, walking towards the mirror to see if something has changed in me. Nothing. I look the same.
I place my hand on the mirror and try again, following Ymir's steps with my eyes open this time.
The mirror begins to glow a faint blue colour, just like the colour of the light where Ymir resides. I immediately lift my hands, looking down at my palms. Its faint, but it's there.
And then, I try to imagine a small knife with my eyes closed, trying to keep that guilt and sorrow present. After what felt like three excruciating hours, a knife was finally ready in my hand. It's transparent, and in the handle is a crimson liquid. My blood.
My hand is bleeding.
Did the knife come to be with my own blood?
I drop the knife to the floor and try healing. It's slow, but eventually, the wound closed up and left not even a scar behind.
I guess I'm not the best at healing.
The knife is sharp, it fits in my hand and it's lightweight.
When I look out of my window, the sun is still setting. It's in the same position as I left it. So, although it felt like about four hours had passed, time was still.
I wonder why it's like that. Why time is slower for me when I'm using my powers, but normal for everyone else.
I guess it's an advantage in itself.