"That's why it seems impossible to believe that the stars could be aligned for both of them. For she was too busy looking at the moon while ignoring the stars that shine brightly when she's around."
—
Malamig ang simoy ng hangin ngayon, madilim na rin ang kalangitan ngunit kita pa rin ang pagningning ng mga bituin at buwan, tila ba sinasamahan at dinadamayan kami sa katahimikan na bumabalot sa'min.
Rinig ko ang pag buntong hininga ng Propesora na siyang nagpatingin sa'kin sa kanya. My heart ached as I watched her walk ahead of me, ramdam ko kung gaano kabigat ang nararamdaman niya. Of course.. because we're both feeling the same way.
Being in love with somebody who can't reciprocate their feelings.
Ilang buwan na nga ba?
Ah.. magta-tatlong buwan na ata.
Tatlong buwan simula ng mawala siya.
Tatlong buwan simula ng magbago ang lahat.
Tatlong buwan na tanging iyak at pananahimik lang ang tila nararamdaman ng babaeng mahal ko dahil sa pagkawala ng taong.. mahal niya.
Funny, isn't it?
Is it a bad thing to say that even when she's gone.. siya pa rin ang laman ng puso't-isipan niya.
And I felt a little envy of that.
I wished that I could take away her pain, but I knew that there was nothing I could do. All I could do was stand by and watch as she suffered in silence. I still kept on walking behind her, leaving a little distance as I wouldn't want to bother her when she's been feeling disconnected with the world. Pero nang tumigil ito sa paglalakad ay napatigil rin ako as I wondered if she was okay or not.
"Ms. Del Mundo.."
Unti-unti itong humarap sa'kin, at 'eto na naman 'tong puso ko. Even if sadness was evident on her face, it still doesn't hide the beauty that she has.
Oh, how I hated seeing that the Professor who used to be so full of life and were all smiles has suddenly turned grim. The lightness inside her was gone.
"Astrea, you don't have to follow me. I'll be alright on my own." The way her voice sounded cold and hoarse made me think otherwise.
I could tell that she was hurting, and I wanted to reach out and comfort her. But she hasn't been really talking to me that much since the person she's in love with is gone. I wanted to tell her that I was here for her, that she didn't have to face her pain alone. But I remained silent, knowing that I had no right to intrude in her life.
You don't deserve to feel that kind of pain, Ms. Del Mundo.
She's still in her work clothes, only wearing her thin coat dress, and even her feet seem to be a little red because of her heels, as it has been a while since we've walked.
"Sasamahan po kita. Delikado na po at gabi na, maraming mga masasamang tao ang pagala-gala dito."
She stares at me, a little too long that I could feel every single beat of my heart racing as I couldn't really handle it every time our eyes are in contact with each other.
"I don't.." She sighed and lowered her head, "I don't need somebody to look out for me, Astrea. I've realized that I may have been taking advantage of someone's presence— your presence, when I'm responsible for my feelings, alone."
Would it be a lie if I say that it didn't hurt me?
Of course.
..She never knew my feelings for her. I never made it known as well.
But the thing is.. even if I'll just be a friend on the side, being a masochist isn't really a problem nor a burden to me.. kahit minsan parang hindi na kinakaya ng puso ko ang bigat na nararamdaman ko. Mas pipiliin ko parin 'yon.
Dahil ito lang naman ang tanging paraan para malapitan at makausap siya.
Kahit sa ganitong paraan— kuntento na ako.
"You've already helped me so much." She continued, "..That it's starting to put a burden on me."
Oh.
My breath shuddered, though I don't know if it's from the cold or at how painful it feels to know that helping her was becoming a burden.
Ramdam ko ang unti-unting pagbigat ng puso ko dahil parang pinapahiwatig niya na gusto niya akong lumayo.
I wanted to say that it doesn't matter to me, that I want to help her in any way that I can, tangina gusto ko na ngang sabihin na kahit masaktan man ako ng paulit-ulit.. I wouldn't mind it.
As long as I see that she's okay.
I wouldn't even ask for more.
But I remained silent, I'm not selfish enough to do that.
"So.. you want me to stay away from you?" She stared back at me and her gaze was telling me that I was right.
"I'm sorry.."
"Then.. Can I say something? Or atleast hear me out." I smiled sadly while she looked surprised.
Hindi ko na ito hinintay na makasagot as I walked towards her, I knew this would be the first and last time that I'll be able to say this. Because I wouldn't want to force myself when the person I love is the one asking me to leave, right?
Her eyes are now all on me. And instead of sadness, I could sense that she was feeling different kinds of emotions right now.
I bravely stood in front of her, not having the urge to look away or pretend that her presence doesn't make me feel like my heart is coming out of my chest. I know the words that I'll utter will mean nothing anymore as I know it wouldn't change a thing.
She's still the person Ms. Vivien will always love.
Talo na ako do'n.
Maybe that's why courage finally took over me.
"I know that you have always favored the moon over the stars, Ms. Del Mundo."
"A-astrea.."
"And I'm perfectly aware that you always refer to her as your moon.." I exhaled softly, my hands shaking as I tucked the strands behind her ear, showing her pale skin turning into red. "Well.. I see myself as one of the stars in your night sky, not really the most special star as I don't shine the brightest or have the most colorful hues. In fact, I am just a small speck of light.. that always looks over you admiring how the moon shines brightly."
She didn't move back, nor flinched when my hand cupped her face. I don't know what's going through her mind right now. I just want this moment to last.. even for a little longer. But I'm scared that after this, she will be avoiding me forever.
"I've been in love with you for three years now." I chuckled with a hint of sadness in it. "And in those three years, it's the first time you finally looked at me... but somehow, this also tells me that it would be the last."
Her gaze softened but she still didn't move an inch.
I'm not even going to assume that my move would have changed her mind. But I'm not gonna say that whatever response I'll get tonight will not affect me.
Pero tatanggapin ko pa rin naman ito.
Loving her does not require her to love me back as well.
"P-please.." She exhaled softly before speaking, "Save yourself from me.. Ms. Luceria."
⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆