My sweet, beautiful baby girl. I have moments left to put a lifetime's worth of love and support into one final goodbye to you and already I've wasted too much precious time drying my blurry eyes of my tears.
I'm leaving you this for a few days before your big twenty first, I hope it doesn't haunt your birthday completely bellezza, that is not my intention.
On my twenty first birthday I had the best gift of my entire entitled life. My tiny, freckled soulmate...You.
I can't express to you how sorry I am that I won't be there to ensure you feel a fraction of the love you gave me on my birthday, I can only trust that your father will spoil you rotten as you so deserve.
Happy birthday mio raggio di sole. You are the light of my life and I will never stop loving you.
I can't even fathom my chubby cheeked baby girl, singing disney songs as I speak, as a twenty one year old young woman. All I'm sure of is that you'll be beautiful inside and out.
Now is the part where I taint your birthday Carina. I can't apologise enough for the timing but on your twenty first birthday Georgio Bellanca finishes his prison sentence and the first thing he will do is track you down.
Trust him bellezza. Trust him and nobody else.
I'll love you even when the world ends and the universe implodes,
-mamma.
•
When my tear ducts are empty and my sore eyes are clear from tears I lock her final words to me away in the drawer with all of my most sentimental keepsakes.
The lack of tears doesn't stop my body convulsing with sobs. My throat is sore from hiccuping and the empty space in my heart feels more prominent then ever.
With a mind of their own my feet carry me across the hall to my dad's bedroom and straight across the threshold.
His bed remains perfectly made and untouched since he stands tense and awaiting by the bay window.
His one hand was pressed into his face, his other arm strewn across his torso showing clear, unfiltered stress.
The minute my footsteps prick his ears he strides across the room to me before he even has the time to meet my eyes.
And then, we're one as we embrace tighter than ever.
I'm not shouldering this alone and the world doesn't feel so empty. He's here for me, exactly as he promised. At stupid 'o clock in the morning.
He doesn't ask about the letter, he doesn't need to. He heard my cries, he gave me the space and time to have my moment. And he waited, knowing I would find him soon enough.
I don't speak a word. He doesn't expect me to. We silently half the pain until the sun rises and the birds sing.
Only then when my eyes refuse to stay open, do I join my father in the dream world.
•
A door slamming and shaking the walls wakes me abruptly. I jolt into a seated position and just about make out my dad doing the same through my sleep blurred vision.
I'm completely dazed for the time being. I have no recollection of what year, month or day it is, never mind the time.
All I know is aunt Kelly is furious at Jace and doors are being slammed next door.
"Without even getting started on how...outrageous this whole thing is, can I remind you how selfish you're being Jace Sierra?!" Her scold is loud and clear even through the bricks that separate us.
"Full name. He's done for." A teenage friend would commentate...but in this case it was my fourty year old father.
"Our family has spent eighteen years making sure she's safe from those very people who murdered her mother-" Kelly's scream is cut off when dad pushes my head into his chest, using his abs and one hand to block my hearing.
Too little too late. Her words have already struck me more than my mamma's had in that letter last night.
My airways are already closing up as my fear grabs me by the throat.
Murder.
It's official.
Somebody out there took my mamma from me.
Nothing else but that one horrific word fazes me from then on.
Murder, murder, murder, my mind screams.
I feel my frozen body being shook by the movements of someone else.
I barely hear a muffled banging of a fist against a brick wall and perhaps my father yelling 'Kelly! She can fucking hear you.' Or perhaps I made that up because my father's voice never sounds so deep and so mad so surely that can't be him.
What does that even mean? My mind can't dissect the simplest of words right now. All it can process is that my mother was murdered. And she knew it was going to happen because she wrote me that letter and told me goodbye. She walked right into it to save me.
How can I go on living knowing that? I'm supposed to be someone spectacular worth having died for. How can I or anyone live up to that?
Do I have to adopt an entire orphanage? Cure cancer? Rescue a dozen animals? Give a homeless person my father's house?
Is anything in this entire world the equivalent worth of my funny, beautiful, strong mother's life?
Time stands still and flashes by like the speed of light all in the same.
One moment I was jolted from my sleep and the next thing I know one sentence shatters my world.
I'm numb now. My limbs aren't my own and my thoughts can't be controlled.
Kelly appears looking frantic and teary eyed. She apologises to someone. A lot.
I didn't know you were home baby. I'm so sorry.
Jace soon shows up in the doorway looking regretful and troubled? But that's not like him. He's usually brutal or nonchalant with no inbetween.
They all knew she was murdered... and I'm only just finding out. They all knew that I'm the reason she walked right into her killer's arms. They all know that I have to prove that I'm worth that sacrifice.
And now that I know, I have no excuse not to.
Kiara.
Open your eyes baby.
You're going to make yourself pass out if you don't breathe.
Everything fades to black for a moment and then one voice seems to reach through to me.
"Ki?" Someone calls me, I'm not sure who.
I don't know why the voice sounds so concerned. I don't know much of anything but pain and tears and struggling to breathe through my aching throat. It's all that my life seems to consist of recently. It feels like I've been like this for months when in reality it's probably been a day.
I crack open my eyes to take a look around me and it's all reconfirmed as the unfortunate truth when the same three faces greet me. Zia, dad and Jace.
This is really happening. It's all true, their heartbroken expressions prove that.
I need to get away from their suffocating sympathy and do something...anything to distract myself from my grief.
I'm a person of action. I show people I care about them through gestures. I can not and will not sit by and feel sorry for myself or anyone if there's something I could be doing to remedy the situation. That's exactly how I'm going to cope with the trauma I'm facing in my life.
So where do I start? How does one become worth dying for? What could I possibly do to make discovering that my mother sacraficed herself so that I could live eighteen years ago any better?
The time has passed to so much as consider avenging her, but proving that she didn't make a mistake? I can do that.
An idea comes to mind and I feel a sudden sense of peace knowing I have something viable to work towards. Something that will hopefully make my mamma proud.
I feel crazy for my sudden bipolar mood change being witnessed by half of my family but I can only hope they won't make a big fuss out of this ordeal and instead help encourage me to do what I need to do to recover from what I've learnt. From what they've hidden from me.
Knowing them...that's definitely not going to happen.
One thing I know is that dad is going to be glued to my side for the foreseeable future. One thing I think I need right now is the space and freedom to execute my plan of action.
This is bound to be an interesting fight for our first.
I stand so suddenly, every head tracking my movements like the mona lisa, and make my way back to my own room to locate my long forgotten phone and as expected one by one my stunned spectators flock to watch my at the doorway.
"You're worrying me Sunshine. Say something." Dad whines.
I turn over my pillows. Ruffle my blankets. Peel back my duvet.
No phone.
"Ki! You're acting fucking possessed. I'm about three seconds from calling a pastor for an exorcism!"
"Jace leave before I hit you. None of this would be happening if it weren't for you and your late night escapades."
Aunt Kelly's voice strains to keep her fury from making a reappearance.
"I'm not the one who screamed about her mom's murder." He snaps under his breath in irritation as he begrudgingly leaves the room.
Kelly and Kian's eyes land on me the second the word's leave his mouth. They hold their breaths anticipating another meltdown that they won't find.
My focus is laser on my new mission now.
My phone catches my eye from the floor by my bedside table.
'Local shelters' I search the moment I scoop it into my clammy hands.
There's never a bad time to start helping out the people in my town who need it.
I could slap myself for never having done this prior to today. I pride myself on helping people but what I've been doing thus far was the bare minimum.
It's time I step up my game and be the saint that mamma can be honoured to have died for.
My old cheer competition zip up hoodie from high school is heaped on my armchair from where I'd stripped off and piled it last night before reading my mother's letter.
I put it on, wrinkles be damned, and slip on my house slippers, the closest footwear to me.
I pretend not to see my Zio in the hallway as I storm past, hesitantly eavesdropping from his doorway.
"Where the hell do you think you are you going Kiara Georgia Wiley?"
Who's bringing out the legal names now dad? I only pray this doesn't mean he's disappointed in me. That's the exact opposite of what I'm trying to achieve here.
I turn with drawn brows and sullen eyes, meeting dad's cold icy eyes for the first time. My heart skips a few beats in fear. I can't tell if for the first time ever Kian Wiley is genuinely mad at me.
My approach is hesitant this time but I know this is absolutely necessary before my departure.
"I want...no, I need to be alone for a moment dad. I love you." I tiptoe to reach his cheeks and kiss each one.
His face is completely hardened until I turn my back on him to continue on my way out. Then comes his chilling, insincere laughter.
"Nice one. You think I'm going to let you wander off and do fuck knows what after a night of hyperventilating to the point where I had 112 dialled and open on my phone incase you passed out."
Dad's crassness has me halting in my tracks when my legs nearly buckle from his hostility. It seems I'm not the only possessed Wiley in this household because who on earth is this stranger speaking to me without a trace of consideration to my fragile feelings?
After eighteen years of our steady dynamic I ruled it impossible for our bond to be tested like this but today we've both shown sides we never knew we had. Atleast I never knew I could lose my grip like this.
"Kian. Remember who you're talking to before you say something you can't take back." Uncle Rowan springs to my defense predictably.
I cross my arms and tilt my head quite smugly.
"I'm twenty one. You can't dictate what I do anymore Kian."
So apparently I can be hostile too...you learn something new everyday.
I've learned that I don't like being hostile, especially not to my best friend and father in one. The guilt is already eating me alive.
He brows shoot up in surprise. His words dry on his tongue. That caught him off guard.
"You aren't twenty one yet Sunshine. How about I lock the doors to my house you live in? What you gonna do then princess?"
Those heart melting, endearing nicknames of his leave his lips like a bullet from a gun and hit my heart leaving gaping wounds.
Why would he go so far as twisting my childhood nicknames into insults to belittle me?
If I wasn't already fighting tears then that would've done it for me.
"You'll have to beat me to the front door for that won't you old man?"
And with that I'm off like the flash.
He's hot on my heels and not a hint of humour grace either of our faces.
A drastic change to the races that usually take place between us down these very hallways whilst we laugh and compete to get the last pancake from uncle Rowan.
Sometimes I let him win to see his victorious smile.
Today won't be one of those days.
With the adrenaline running high and tension building I don't think about my mismatched strange outfit or my authentic amber hair exposed to public eyes.
My focus is solely on Jace's matte black motorcycle abandoned on the doorstep of his house, keys left waiting in the ignition and helmet hung over the handlebar.
I mount the bike and reach for the helmet just as the cavalry catches up with me in our driveway.
"Ohhh I see. You're on a suicide mission. You won't even reach the gates before you fly off of that thing." Dad raises a single brow in judgment.
"Would it be possible to get in any more trouble if I told you I taught her how to ride a motorbike?" I hear Jace innocently taunt somewhere in the distance. Probably dangling from his bedroom window watching the show with a beer.
"Very possible." Kelly confirms through gritted teeth.
"Jace. You didn't." Rowan groans, apparently just as peeved as the rest of the adults now.
"I knew the day would come where I get to strangle you and it's justified. You better disappear before I push you out of that window kid." Dad threatens him.
And while their attention is all elsewhere, Jace gifts me the perfect opportunity to buckle my helmet, start the engine and peel out of those big golden gates.