"Are you okay?" Lynn asked.
Nod, Cory. Do not think about Damon and Trina walking away, going to talk to Micah, going to tell him that you choose cheer over him. Hold it together, there's too much of the night left, you have to hold it together.
Courtney fixed a smile onto her face. "Yeah, just some trouble with the Locals. Don't worry, I'll win them over eventually."
Oh getting some serious side eye from my bestie. Judging but not a judgy look.
"You said Bridgette didn't feel up for the routine?" Distraction, correction redirection to get back on track. Stay focused. Get through the next few hours. "Where is she?"
"In Coach's office."
Ah, my favorite of favorite places where I have absolutely zero emotional connection to, fantastic.
"Okay. How is the rest of the squad doing?" Courtney said.
As they walked, Courtney peppered Lynn with questions. Focusing on what she knew helped her center her thoughts. It didn't mean they still didn't try to veer into the next lane but she constantly jerked the wheel back. Not the best driving but she wouldn't let her thoughts drive her. Where her sudden wordplay was coming from she didn't know but stress did weird things to people.
"I got this, see to the squad," Courtney said to Lynn at the doorway to the office. Lynn hesitated but Courtney nudged her a bit. "Go. We'll be out soon. Hey, Bridgette."
Bridgette lifted her head and Courtney was treated to the biggest display of deer-in-the-headlights face she'd ever seen. The only thing to beat it would be a literal deer. Seems she needed to swerve something other than her thoughts out of the line of danger.
"Before we talk about anything," Courtney said, turning to the side. "How noticeable is it that I gained weight from eating comfort food?"
Ah, there we go, a little less wide eyes and more of a scrunching thoughtful face.
"Not too much," Bridgette said cautiously.
With a dramatic relieved sigh, Courtney plopped down on the exam table with Bridgette, leaning back on her hands and letting her head fall back.
"That's good! I was stressing," she twisted to her side and rest her head in her hand. "I mean it was impossible to refuse the food. It was offered to me by an extremely cute boy." She flicked her ponytail. "Who I have since made my boyfriend."
Bridgette smiled and Courtney winked at her. "Besides, it was food, there was no way I would turn it down anyways. But you know if you eat homemade cookies and cheer up fro-yo it definitely has an effect. I think he'll still like me even if there's a little bit more of me."
In a box, put him in a box, close it, and set it aside, Cory. The only box open right now is the one holding all the things that need to be done tonight. You're not sealing the box closed forever, just doing that nifty tucking the flaps into each other thing. He's on one side, you will come back to that box but not now.
"Come on," Courtney said, standing. "Stretch with me."
Without even blinking an eye, Bridgette slipped off the table and stood facing Courtney.
"You're going to Homecoming with Marco, right?" Courtney asked as she started the stretch routine.
"Yeah."
"He's your designated football player, right?"
"Yes."
"Oooh classic love story." Bridgette bit her lip in an attempt to hide her smile. "Is that how you met?"
When Bridgette tilted her head in thought, Courtney lowered herself into the splits and rested her chin on her fists, peering at Bridgette with wrapped attention. At her attentive position, Bridgette retold how they'd met in math class in middle school.
As she talked, Courtney observed how Bridgette relaxed even more. By the time they'd finished their stretches, the deer-in-the-headlights had been safely returned to the forest and a cheerleader stood in its place.
That analogy took a strange turn but I've been swerving all over the highway so I'm not going to think about it.
"You ready?" Courtney asked. Bridgette paused. "You're ready. I know you're ready and if you can't trust your own confidence trust mine. You've done this a hundred times this week. This is not a big deal. And I'll be right there, cheering you on."
"You're my own personal cheerleader?"
"Yes. That is exactly what I am!"
Bridgette accepted and Courtney hooked her arm around Bridgette's leading her to where she could hear the rest of the squad was gathering. When they walked out of the gym, Rosa spotted Courtney.
"CORY!" she shouted.
At the loud declaration of Courtney's presence, the rest of the squad spun around.
"The queen has returned!" Kimber yelled which started a round of cheers.
Don't cry, Cory, you'll ruin your makeup.
"This is where we curtsy," Courtney told Bridgette.
Taking her hand, she led them in a slightly awkward curtsy. But that could be blamed entirely on her ankle.
"Thank you," Courtney said. "Now who is ready to perform an amazing routine and get this crowd hyped?"
As the squad cheered, Courtney squeezed Bridgette's hand in reassurance and smiled at her.
"Co-captain?" Courtney said, redirecting everyone's attention to Lynn.
"Alright squad, circle up!" The squad formed a circle and Courtney navigated her path that put Lexi, with her sprained wrist in a brace on her left, and Bridgette on her right. Lynn stuck her pompom into the center of the circle and everyone followed. "This is Homecoming night, we are going to show them what it means to bring spirit! Let's go Panthers."
Together the squad yelled 'Let's go panthers' and raised their pompoms into the air.
"Welcome everyone to tonight's game," a male voice said over the speakers.
"Pair up," Lynn instructed.
Already in the right place, Courtney linked arms with Lexi and Bridgette, aware of both girls beaming in response. As the announcer talked, the squad walked to the field. The closer they got, Courtney heard people saying her name.
"Courtney you're back on in uniform!"
"Hey, Courtney."
"Looking good, Courtney."
"It's good to see you back, Courtney!"
Bridgette leaned in. "I feel like we're with a celebrity or something."
"It's the 'or something'," Courtney said. "Everyone appreciates a tragic athlete story and the excitement of their final return."
A few feet before they hit the track, Lynn faced them and raised her pompoms, instantly the pairs broke apart. Everyone beside Courtney and Lexi, raced towards the track, cheering and waving their pompoms.
"We will be the distinguished members who show our excitement in a more stately manner," Courtney said as they followed the squad.
Lexi laughed but Courtney could see the tightness of fear and pain in her expression.
"It's not permanent," she said softly. "Don't worry. Focus on having fun tonight. Okay?"
Lexi nodded.
"Go Panthers!" Courtney shouted as she reached the track and shook her pompoms in the air.
Lexi joined her, smiling as best she could.
"Hey, Courtney!"
"Courtney!"
"Courtney's back!"
Her name pieced through the cheers of the squad and the audience. As much as she could, she tried to find the ones calling out to her and send them a smile. When she landed on Rosa's mom and Aiden's parents, she found one of the sources of her name. She shook her pompoms in their directions and they clapped for her.
"Panthers are you ready?" Lynn shouted.
The crowd cheered back.
"Let's show them Panther power!"
Music played over the speakers and naturally, Courtney looked to the sound booth. She felt her smile falter as the box on her mind edged to the center. Tearing her gaze away from the windows she couldn't see beyond, but could easily picture Micah sitting behind, she focused on the squad forming up.
Bridgette, you said you would be her cheerleader. Focus on that, she needs you. The box isn't sealed, you will open it at some point but not now. It can't be right now.
"You got this, Bridgette!" Courtney shouted.
Even though she didn't look over, Bridgette smiled from her spot at the front. The squad broke into their routine and Courtney smiled, shouted out their cheer, and waved her pompoms with all the enthusiasm she could muster. When Bridgette executed her tumble routine perfectly, Courtney screamed and hopped in excitement.
Buckets! Oh, that was not a good idea.
Keep smiling, Bridgette is looking at you. A lot of people are looking at you, don't focus on your twinging ankle.
In the bleachers, Courtney found Miguel staring directly at her. Though his expression didn't change, she knew he'd see her act of stupidity and understood the results of it. Nothing like Miguel's judging face to make someone rethink their life decisions.
"Did you see it?" Bridgette asked, bouncing over to Courtney.
"You killed it!"
Bridgette bounced some more, her smile piercing her cheeks.
"Welcome everyone to Oceanside's Homecoming game against the Poway Bobcats."
As the football team raced onto the field, the squad greeted them with enthusiasm and pompom shaking. Courtney participated but felt like a statue amongst the jumping and high-kicking line of girls.
When the game began, the squad lined the field, standing with their hands clasped behind their backs with their pompoms. Courtney found her focus broken between paying attention to what happened on the field and the slowly increasing worry about remaining on her ankle for too long. Though Coach hadn't been too concerned about it that afternoon, Courtney couldn't help but feel her fear of doing more damage.
Caving to her thoughts, even though she knew how it would look to everyone, she called out to the water boy waiting on the sidelines.
"Matty," she called out softly. "Matty."
Looking around, he saw her and she gestured him over. Before she could even speak, Miguel appeared with the stool she'd planned to send Matty to retrieve. He set it down next to her with a pointed look.
Just how obvious had she been about her ankle?
"Thanks," she said.
Miguel nodded and walked away.
"Never mind, Matty," Courtney said.
Along the line, girls turned towards her as the message that she'd needed a stool spread. Despite the action on the field, Courtney heard a few concerned questions thrown at her. One distinctive one had the word 'mija' attached to it and Courtney knew it was Rosa's mom.
"I'm fine," Courtney said to Bridgette to telephone it down the line.
Spinning the stool, a fun motion that made her smile more natural, Courtney faced the few worried faces in the stands. She shook her pompoms at them, hoping to reassure them. Without thinking about it, she looked to the sound booth. But like before she couldn't see anything being the glass. She spun back to the game and watched, but her thoughts remained on the sound booth.
******
"Thank you marching band and color guard for that excellent performance," Miguel said, standing at the center of the field, his voice ringing through the speakers.
Though Courtney sat for the majority of the first half of the game, she found herself wanting to get back to her stool as she waited on the track. But since she had to be part of the Homecoming court halftime walk, she couldn't.
Wow, mentally being whining about having to be part of Homecoming court when a lot of others wanted to be. Poor, Cory, her life is so hard, people like her. Bleh. Straighten up. Smile.
"Thank you everyone for showing up tonight, I'm your student body President, Miguel," Miguel said. "Our Panthers are performing fantastically. And if I understood football I'm sure I'd appreciate it more."
The crowd laughed and Courtney noted the tug at the corner of Miguel's mouth. Such a smooth politician.
"As you can see though, I did dress casually so I could fit in more." Miguel held out his arms showing off the fact that his button-down shirt had the sleeves rolled up. "My sleeves are rolled up and I'm not wearing a tie."
Again the crowd reacted with warm laughter, being a senior there weren't many who didn't know Miguel's strange formal way of dressing.
"Great," Miguel said. "Now that I've successfully entertained you, let's get to the true reason you're listening to me talk. Will the Homecoming Court please pair up and join me out here?"
As Courtney looked around for one of the senior guys to attach herself to, she found that all of them except one had already been claimed. Aiden gave her a small, unsure wave as he slowly approached her.
"I seem to be the only one available," he said. "Is that okay?"
"As long as I can use you as a crutch, it's fine with me."
Aiden smiled quietly as he held out his arm to her. How a smile could be quiet when it was common knowledge that smiles never made a noise, Courtney didn't know but her mind hadn't been in the right state for the past few hours, she wasn't going to question it now.
She hooked her arm around his and held onto his bicep. In response, Aiden moved closer to offer more support. They trailed behind the last couple onto the field.
"I'm sorry I'm sweaty," Aiden said.
"For good reason. You've been doing amazing tonight."
Ducking his head, Aiden beamed at the ground. "Thanks."
They reached Miguel and lined themselves up directly behind the last couple, a position that kept them hidden from everyone.
"Now announcing your freshman Homecoming Court," Miguel said. "The first nominees are Jessa Tyler and Jimin Park.
Aiden leaned his head toward Courtney. "How are you doing?"
"Good."
He raised his eyebrows at her. Gosh, eyebrows always being skeptical with me lately.
"If I asked you again would you give me an honest answer?" Aiden asked. "After all, I know what happened this afternoon with Homecoming."
Betraying herself, Courtney looked to the sound booth. Aiden followed her line of sight then focused on her.
Real subtle, Cory, might as well have shouted that something else happened as well.
"Is everything okay?" Aiden asked.
The line shifted forward and together Courtney and Aiden stepped up.
"Honestly?"
"I would appreciate that."
Aiden stared at her with open and caring eyes. Despite their history, it felt relieving to have him next to her so she could lean on him, more than just in the physical sense.
"I don't know. I don't know how much I messed up," she said.
"It's you, Cory, I don't think there's a limit to how much you can mess up so he would never talk to you again. I'm speaking as someone who knows what he's talking about."
"But I messed it up with us."
Aiden looked away but Courtney didn't feel like it was in a rejecting manner.
"You say that and yet we are still talking. So I'm still right."
"We are. Why are we?"
Aiden stared at her with raised eyebrows again, though somehow these were teasing instead of skeptical. The diversity of eyebrow expressions.
"Do you not want to be?" he asked.
"I do, but from my point of view I messed up a lot with you."
"Doesn't change the fact that before we were ever together you were my friend for two years, that's what matters to me."
As before, Courtney felt her gaze turn to the sound booth without her consent. Was their friendship something that mattered as much to Micah?
"Just talk to him," Aiden said.
"That sounds funny coming from my ex-boyfriend."
"You're right. Don't talk to him. Come back to me, Cory."
He smiled at her and she couldn't help but smile back up at him.
"And your final senior nominees, Courtney Hart, and Aiden Clark."
"I think that's us," Aiden said.
"Seems so."
Together they walked down the field as the crowd in the bleachers cheered for them. Compared to the nominees who had dressed up for the occasion, Courtney and Aiden looked out of place, her in her cheer uniform and him in his football gear. Though from an outside viewpoint, she imagined they looked like the classic football player and cheerleader couple.
At the thought, Courtney looked to the booth. How would Micah see them? Smiling at each other, linked arms, waving at everyone like the epitome of high school monarchy. Would he know that she still choose him or would Damon and Trina use this scene as fuel to a fire that they'd burn her with? Already in their minds, she had chosen cheer over Micah, would this be the final match to set everything alight?
Dramatic, she was thinking too dramatically. Aiden said that there was no limit to how much she could mess up that Micah wouldn't talk to her again. She just needed to talk to him. It would be okay.
"Those are your nominees," Miguel said. "Let's give them all around applause."
Smile, Courtney everyone is still watching. Sure, also wave like some pageant winner, that won't make Damon and Trina think you're empty-headed at all.
"Good luck to all the nominees," Miguel said. "Now let's get back to the game and see our Panthers win!"
As the crowd roared in assent, Courtney turned to Aiden. "Go beat 'em, tiger."
"Technically, it's panther, get it right."
He squeezed her hand and Courtney saw the hint of sadness in his eyes. All the encouragement had cost him something and still he'd given it to her.
"Thank you," she said.
He swallowed hard but still smiled. "Just talk to him."
Courtney nodded though she feared if she tried she'd find a barrier of his friends waiting for her. A wall to face when she got to it. If she got it, they might not be that defensive. Though their expressions earlier suggested they were. No time to think about it now. Focus on the game.
"Hey," Lynn said, coming up to Courtney as Aiden jogged off to join the team. "Are you okay?"
Oh, not even close to it, there's a mountain of issues behind a set of doors waiting to come tumbling down on me. Not the time to crack them open, if I do they might all fall out crushing us both. Can't cheer when buried.
"Yup," she said.
Lynn hesitated. "Okay. Can we talk after the game?"
Afterward, that seemed like a reasonable time to be buried alive under issues. Why not?
"Yes."
Lynn hurried back to her center position to lead the squad into their return cheer. For the entirety of the second half of the game, Courtney did nothing but channel all her energy and focus into cheering for the team and fully investing her attention on the action on the field. Only because of this force of will, did she manage not to look at the sound booth again.
When the game ended with the Panthers winning, Courtney didn't have to fake her enthusiasm. She screamed with everyone else, though self-preservation kept her from jumping up and down like she wanted to. She joined in with the group hug the cheerleaders created, the only one not hopping in the circle.
When the players left off the field, Courtney shook her pompoms with all her might as they walked through the lane the cheerleaders created for them. Aiden sat on two of the players's shoulders, beaming. He found Courtney and she shouted louder for him. He grinned at her but the longer he held her gaze, his smile slipped.
"You did it, Loser!" Lynn shouted at him.
Aiden laughed and the team carried him away. Though Courtney felt the energy of the squad, the win, and the team wanting to sweep her up and away, she broke from their hold. There was something she had to do and she couldn't let it wait any longer. She needed to talk to him. She just hoped he wanted to talk to her.
Working hard not to throw fists and elbows, she worked to make it through the mass of excited fans celebrating the win. When she reached the bleachers, she found they'd nearly emptied. Carefully, she climbed them to the sound booth. Despite knowing she probably looked less than put-together, she walked inside. All that mattered was seeing Micah and talking.
But she halted when the only person sitting at the controls was Hank.
"Hank," she said, stupidly.
"Hey, Courtney, what can I help you with?"
"Uh..." Sounding like a real genius right now, Cory. "Did Micah not work tonight?"
"He did but after halftime, he asked me to finish up for him, it seemed like something came up."
"Oh. Thanks, Hank."
"Sure. It was good to see you back out there with the squad. I'm glad the net didn't do more damage."
"Yeah, thanks."
Courtney left, knowing she probably looked like a wide-eyed idiot. He'd left. Because of her? If he had been there all through the halftime then he'd seen Aiden and her. Was that why he left? Had Damon and Trina done their work? Would they really work that hard to get him away from her? She didn't know them well enough to know if that was something they'd do. All she knew is they'd told her to leave Micah alone.
"There you are," Miguel said, climbing the bleachers to meet her. "Are you ready to head home? And when I ask 'are you ready' I'm really saying I'm leaving now so that means you need to come with me since I gave you a ride."
"Yes, I'm ready- No, Lynn wanted to talk to me. You can go, I'll get a ride home with her."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. You had to come to a game and be charismatic, I can imagine you're exhausted."
"The game was exhausting, being charismatic is natural for me."
Courtney rolled her eyes and something about being annoyed with Miguel helped her break from her mentally dazed state.
"Okay," Miguel said. "Don't do anything stupid or dramatic, you still have a whole day of Homecoming work to deal with tomorrow."
"Understood. I'm glad your faith in me is so strong."
"You hopped on an injured ankle."
He had her there. "Just leave already."
Miguel jogged down the bleachers, this she was certain he did just to mock her. She followed his path but at a more deceased rate. As she walked back to the main area off the field, she saw clumps of people standing around talking. Since Lynn wasn't among any of them, Courtney headed to the gym to grab her bag and her source of a ride.
"Cory, milkshakes at In-and-Out," Kimber said to Courtney as they crossed paths. "The squad and team are all heading over."
"Courtney, are you joining us?" Rosa asked as she walked out of the girls' locker room.
"I'll get a ride with Lynn and see you there."
This statement was repeated five more times before Courtney found her bag and directed her search for Lynn. Eventually, she found Lynn near the parking lot which had emptied quickly, the celebration of burgers, fries, and milkshakes spurring everyone on.
"Hey," Courtney said, getting Lynn's attention.
Lynn faced her and Courtney felt an odd uncertainty in her chest. What is that look, Lynn? We just won.
Lynn took a breath and set her hands on her hips, rethought her posture, and clasped her hands in front of her.
"I know you do better with people being straightforward," she said. "So I'm just going to say." She took another breath as Courtney held hers. "Can you please tell me what I did to make you shut me out? I want to do whatever I can to fix it."
"What?" Courtney took a breath of her own, thinking over the night. "Look, I just couldn't get into any of it earlier, I knew I needed to not be a complete mess for the game. But I didn't mean to shut you out."
Despite what Courtney thought was a simple clarification, Lynn didn't relax but instead crossed her arms, squeezing them against herself.
"I'm not talking about tonight, Cory. I get why you didn't want to get into it. I'm talking about why for the last few months you've shut me out. Not all the time, but you have."
"What? No, Lynn. I haven't-"
"Yeah, Cory, you have. You did it over things involving cheer, things with you and Aiden, your ankle, and me running against you for Class President." She released her arms. "You forget that I've been your best friend for years. One of the few people you've let get close. I told you I was planning to run against you and instead of being honest about what you were feeling, you shut me out. I knew I'd messed up not telling you sooner and planned to talk it out, to hear all your hurt. But you acted like it didn't matter, you completely shut me out. I didn't know what to do after that."
"I didn't want to not support you," Courtney said, woodenly, still trying to process what Lynn was saying.
"You can still decide to support me even after being mad or hurt. That was just one instance. Cheer. I knew you hit problems but you wouldn't lean on me as your co-captain."
"But you took over for me when I couldn't."
"Yeah, only because Coach said you couldn't lead the team. But there were times before that." Lynn sighed. "Look, I don't know why you've shut me out but I want to know what I did wrong."
"You didn't-"
"Cory, I must have. I'm just sorry for whatever it is."
Courtney found she had no response. More than that, she felt like she'd been thrown out of a plane without a parachute and was falling without a clue how to deal with the situation.
Lynn took a step back. "I know you, Cory. I know you do better with space to think. I just hope you'll talk to me when you figure out whatever you need to figure out."
Courtney nodded but still, she couldn't get out of this endless free-fall feeling that stole all her thoughts.
Only when she heard the sound of Lynn driving off did she snap back to herself. She took a step, realizing she had forgotten to tell Lynn that she was her ride. She had no way home.
On instinct, Courtney pulled out her phone and saw that she had a missed call from Micah.
But as she was about to call, she paused. As much as she wanted to fix things with him, she knew she wasn't in the mental state to think clearly.
Instead, she requested a Uber and waited. The emptiness around her made it impossible to rid herself of the free-falling feeling. Tears were starting to prick the back of her eyes when a car pulled up to the curb. The passenger window rolled down.
"Hey, Courtney."
Courtney focused on the vaguely familiar face and worked hard to smile. "Hi, Fernando."
She climbed into the back of the Uber.
"She said yes," Fernando said.
Courtney struggled to stay in the car and not back on the curb with the ghost of her best friend telling her that she'd been shutting her out.
"What?" Courtney said.
"My girlfriend, she said yes to my proposal," Fernando said. "I wanted to let you know."
Courtney managed a more convincing smile this time and passed the ride only half aware of what she was saying but knowing it kept Fernando talking the whole way to her house. When she stepped out, she was sure she'd even said something congratulatory to him. But her half-working mind only got her into the foyer and no further.
She'd been shutting Lynn out. Cheer. Aiden. Class President. More. She'd been doing that.
"Hey Sunshine, how'd it feel to be back in uniform?" her mother said, appearing in her pajamas.
"I don't... I don't know what I did. It's not making sense and I need to... Facts. What are the facts? I need to figure out the facts because my best friend thinks she's- my- my thoughts aren't- I didn't know I was-"
"Just cry, sweetie."
Courtney didn't feel the tears until her mother spoke. But once they were acknowledged, Courtney couldn't stop them. She hid her face and her mother wrapped her up in her arms, guiding her gently to the stairs. Curling up, Courtney tucked herself into her mother's warmth.
"Don't think about facts, just cry. You're human. That's what we do. It will be okay, we'll figure it out."
Courtney cried, trusting her mother because right then she no longer trusted herself.
**********************************************************************
Well... buckets.
Who is sitting in the corner with me and trying not to feel depressed?
Well, it's nice to not feel alone. I mean I knew this had to happen because our dear Cory has been doing this since the beginning of the book but STILL! Did it really need to happen? Can't Cory just catch a BREAK!
I don't even want to talk about the fact that she didn't get to talk to Micah, that's just...
AUTHOR! CAN YOU HEAR ME! CAN'T CORY JUST HAVE A CHANCE TO BREATHE!
Okay, I need to rest my lungs why don't you yell something, at me, for Cory, for no reason whatsoever other than you can. Go ahead, I'll cover my ears. 🗯💭💬🙉
I want to say something, possibly something witty that will make you smile but let's face it, my brain is dead. Maybe it's all the sadness that keeps coming our way. I mean how are we supposed to be happy when our Sunshine girl is crying?
...
No, I'm serious I have nothing to say so let's sit here in silence, eat our weight in ice cream and wipe away our tears on our sleeves. Sound good?
Yeah, but what else is there to do.
Don't bother to vote, comment, follow, what's the point!
Wow, that feels oddly specific to this situation...