Chicago felt his nerves rise as he stood in the kitchen in daunting silence with Igor cleaning up. He didn't know what to say to Igor when he got upset to the point that every word uttered to him is deemed offensive. He fished for his box of cigarettes from his black sweatpants and a lighter. He had just stuck a cigarette in his mouth and was about to light it when a knock came.
"Finally," Igor breathed rushing to the door, capturing Chicago's attention.
Chicago tried to hear what was being said but could not decipher a single word finally losing interest. He lifted his lighter to his cigarette when the door open wider and an older gentleman walked in wearing a black knee length coat, black suit underneath, a white shirt paired with a red tie, and a navy scarf falling over his shoulders. He was clutching a brief case to his chest, his hazel eyes fixed on Chicago with interest.
"This is Mr. Winston! He's a therapist," Igor beamed introducing the man to Chicago.
Chicago snatched the cigarette hanging between his lips out.
"A what!" He exclaimed.
"I told you we need a therapist to work on our communication," he explained.
Chicago chuckled but immediately stopped when he noted Igor was being serious.
"We don't need a shrink, Igor," he breathed.
"That's not what you said three days ago when you described our relationship as toxic!"
"It was in the verge of anger! People say things they don't mean when angry!"
"Also," the therapist interject, pointing his index finger up. "People also voice out the truth in the middle of a heated conversation. Now, how about we sit down and talk things through," he said already heading to the living room.
"Good idea doctor!" Igor beamed giving Chicago a look that said, 'be nice,' as he heads to the living room as well.
"Aren't these sessions for couples? Because we are not!" Chicago scoffed even though he followed both men.
Mr. Winston dragged a ottoman so he could sit in front of them while Igor and Chicago sat on the big couch leaving more than enough space between.
"It's not necessarily for couples. Therapy is to fix any broken relationship," Mr. Winston corrected.
Chicago huffed, folding his arms over his chest.
"Our sexual relationship is fine! We don't need to communicate. We're in sync!"
Igor glared at him, as Mr. Winston opens his note book.
"When did this sexual relationship start?" Mr. Winston asked, making air quote with his fingers.
"It didn't start as a sexual relationship. We were dating first..."
Chicago snorted cutting Igor off and gaining the therapist attention.
"That's not how I recall it. We meet at a bar, Igor. Got wasted and came here and fucked! It's started off as a sexual relationship and ended as one!"
"And in between the year when you lied to me that you murder people for a living, what was happening then?"
Chicago gasped, looking at the therapist frantically, but Mr. Winston laughed and waved his hand.
"Feel free. I work with mafias and king pins, they're fucked up too. They need me! An assassin is the least of my worries," he said.
"Where did you get this guy, Igor? From the black market?"
"Woah! Now that is offensive!" Mr. Winston interjected pointing his index finger up.
"If we are going to fix this..." said Igor pointing between them, "...I thought we both need to be transparent. Lay it all on the table. And who better to do that than a man that works with criminals," he concluded.
Chicago frowned but nodded.
"Now, with that out of the way. Mind to explain what was happening during the time you first met to before he found out you kill people to pay off your bills," Mr. Winston inquired.
Chicago shrugged.
"I guess dating. But can you really call it dating Winston when it is one sided?"
"Was it one sided Mr. Bullock?" Mr. Winston asked, quirking a brow up.
Chicago sighed.
"I think it was way more complicated than what Igor makes it up to be. It was no normal dinner date and fuckin' under the stars," he said.
"Then what was it? Explain it to me and him. We're here, listening, without judgement nor restrictions."
Igor snorted earning himself a glare from the therapist.
"Without judgement nor restrictions," he repeated again.
Igor sighed and turned to look at Chicago.
"He liked me and I knew that. I tried to break things off when I found out he is a cop..."
"FBI agent!" Igor snapped.
Chicago rolled his eyes before continuing.
"But this man is as stubborn as you see him now. Very persistent as well. I gave in. Yeah, I admit it was out of my own selfish reasons. I liked how he made me feel, how he looked at me as if I was the best thing to ever cross his path in this planet. I liked how he made me feel alive for once. But I knew I didn't deserve him. I held no right to love him. Eventually, he was going to leave. Like now, eventually he will have to leave," he concluded.
"And how does that make you feel? When he leaves, how does that make you feel?" Mr. Winston asked.
Chicago shrugged.
"Indifferent. I'm used to people leaving," he said.
Mr. Winston hummed as he scribbled away in his notebook.
"Mr. Oblast, what can you say after that confession," He inquired looking into a pair of grey orbs.
Igor shrugged.
"I used to feel sorry for this man, up until I realised he's nothing but a pathological liar!"
"Perhaps I didn't want you to feel sorry for me!"
"You see!" Igor snapped, pointing at Chicago while staring at the therapist. "Eventually, he will show you why everyone leaves. In the end, he'll push you away until you truly walk out of that door!"
Chicago gasped, pain filling his eyes. Mr. Winston sighed, ripping his gaze off Igor and looked at Chicago.
"You said you didn't want him to feel sorry for you Mr. Bullock. What did you mean by that?" He asked.
Chicago snapped his eyes to the doctor. He appeared uncomfortable. Mr. Winston nodded his head encouragingly.
"It's a safe space, Mr. Bullock," he prompted using his words this time.
Chicago drew a deep breath, playing with his fingers on his lap.
"I wanted...I wanted him to see me. To see the real me and still accept me," he finally admitted.
Igor snorted rolling his eyes.
"Why is it important to be seen and accepted, Chicago?" Mr. Winston questioned.
Chicago scratched his nose appearing even more uncomfortable.
"I've just never felt seen. Not by my mother who was always out at night and high during the day. Not by my childhood best friend Chris, who only saw a boy who will accompany him to all his adventures and fill in a form to military with him when we turn eighteen. Not by my first boyfriend who saw a cute, fragile boy and only remembered I was homeless when his mother scolded him about it and was dragging him to Las Vegas so he could be far away from me. Not by my boss who only sees a killing machine and a money maker for him. I just want to be seen. Seen and accepted. Not a fraction of me but all of me," he said, and then lifting his eyes up to meet hazel ones.
Mr. Winston smiled and nodded as if to say he understood.
"Now, Mr. Oblast, you said Mr. Bullock here keeps on pushing everyone away until they see no reason to stay. But you keep coming back. Why is that so?"
Igor glanced at Chicago and then looked back at the therapist.
"He said he wants to be seen. But he doesn't even see himself," he said, shocking both men.
Mr. Winston nodded, tightening the pen in his fingers.
"Mind elaborating, Igor?" The therapist inquired, quirking a brow up.
"He takes things and circumstances that happen to him as his own identity. It's not his fault his mother was on crack, or the fact that he lost both his parents and become homeless. It's not his fault that some bad man found him at fifteen and introduced him to this life. But Cago always takes these circumstances as a description of who he is!"
"My experiences make me who I am!"
"Your fundamentals makes you who you are!"
"I am..."
"Okay!" Mr. Winston shouted, and chuckled when both men looked at him. "When you look at Mr. Bullock here, what do you see?"
Igor sighed, leaning back into the couch, and kept his eyes to the therapist. He didn't need to look at Chicago to have the ability to answer that question. He knows what he saw in Chicago from the first night they met at the bar to now.
"I see a broken boy who craves to be loved but is scared of being hurt because he has been hurt all his life. He is scared of loss so he pushes everyone away. I see a young man that is full of love but scared to express it because he fears rejection. I see a young man that is scared to let go of his norm because he fears failure. He fears being alone and homeless again. I see a young man who is ruled by fear, hurt, and anger. He's another angry black man living in America!"
Mr. Winston nodded writing in his notebook as Chicago reflects in what Igor just say.
"But I also see a soft man. When he cares he cares, in his own screwed up way. He doesn't need to help me to find Rosette's murderers but he is. I see him, he just doesn't," he added, ending with a soft voice.
Chicago rubbed his chest feeling like he just got punched.
"Is that why you keep coming back, Mr. Oblast?"
Igor shrugged.
"I keep coming back because I'm stupid. I keep hoping that he would stop being scared and finally become the man he truly is. He's no longer the young boy that witness his mother getting high and screwing different men. He is no longer the fifteen year old boy who was tricked into killing people. He's a thirty-four year old man with choices. What he does now is a choice!" Igor declared with so much venom in his voice and eyes.
Mr. Winston turned to Chicago.
"Would you agree with that?"
Chicago stood up with his eyes casted to the ground.
"I need to breathe. I...I just need to breathe," he said before walking away to his room.
"I think we can end here for today," Mr. Winston said as he packs away his things. "We made more progress than I thought we would," he chuckled as he came to his feet.
Igor tried to smile but his smile fell immediately as he was worried about Chicago. He walked the therapist to the door and bid him farewell.