"Are you finally done running away from home?"
I gave my Mom the silent treatment and just went straight upstairs as soon as I got home with my things. I heard her following me from behind.
"Where did you learn how to disrespect your mother like this? I am talking to you." I heard the anger in her voice. I did not stop and just went inside my room.
Nilabas ko lahat ng dirty clothes ko to put them in the laundry basket. Nakasunod pa rin si Mommy sa akin habang inaayos ko ang iba kong gamit.
"Where did you stay? In that guy's house?" Hindi na niya natiis at hinawakan na niya ang braso ko, forcing me to look at her. "You're not going to answer me?"
"Mom, I ran away because I was so tired of living in this space," I told her in the calmest voice possible. "I am back after finally being able to breathe. Don't make it hard for me."
"Or what? You're going to run away again, Icelle? I don't think so. You're grounded until I say so."
She went through my drawers to get my car keys and then my wallet. Kinuha niya lahat ng cards ko and my allowance. She wasn't satisfied with that and even confiscated my phone. I just watched her do that, trying to stop the tears from falling. I had to live with this for so long.
I only felt free when I was staying with Lyonelle.
"Go to the weighing scale," she firmly said.
I was back to being a robot. I went to the weighing scale. When she saw how much weight I gained, she immediately told the helpers not to give me food until she said so. She also told me not to go down for dinner and that my food would be delivered to my room.
She also told me to get dressed and run on the treadmill until I burn seven hundred calories. I did everything she said. Hindi na ako nagreklamo. Hindi na ako nagsalita. She would not listen anyway.
I got dressed and went down to the gym and yoga room we had next to the dance room, where we could practice our ballet. Nadaanan ko si Archie na nagpa-practice ng ballet. Surprisingly, she had a friend with her, more or less the same age. It was the first time I saw her with a friend.
When the friend saw me through the glass, she immediately went to the door and opened it so she could greet me.
"Hello, good morning po. I'm Celestia... Archie's friend." She even lowered her head as a sign of respect for me. I could tell that she had good manners. She moved elegantly, especially when I saw her practicing ballet.
"Ugh, can you please leave? Don't disturb us!" Archie said when she saw me at the door. I wasn't even inside the room! Dumaan lang ako para pumunta sa gym.
"That's not really a nice thing to say to your sister, Archie," Celestia said, looking back at her.
My jaw almost dropped when Archie pouted and looked away instead of getting mad that she was told off. How dare this child listen to her friend more than me?! Kids these days.
"You're such a nice kid..." Hinaplos ko ang buhok niya habang nakangiti. "How did you end up with that brat?"
"What?!" sigaw ni Archie nang marinig ako.
"I'll leave you to practice. It was nice meeting you," I told her with a smile before entering the gym room.
I did what my Mom said but went to extra lengths as well. I did extreme exercises until I felt like passing out because I was mad, and there was no way to express my anger. I stopped when my vision was already getting unstable. Umupo na lang ako sa sahig habang hinihingal.
I looked up while sweat was falling down on my neck. My eyes heated as I tried to stop the tears from falling. I bit my lower lip, trying to control my emotions.
I felt so suffocated. I wanted to experience it again... The freedom I got when I ran away from home. Everything felt... okay. Wala akong pinoproblema.
I started sobbing, so I covered my mouth so Archie and her friend wouldn't hear. I was just looking down at the floor, tuloy-tuloy ang pagtulo ng luha ko sa sahig. I shouldn't have come back home. If only I could stay with him like that all the time... I would gladly do so. But I couldn't be a burden to him. I wasn't his responsibility. He had his own family. I had mine.
The offer to live with him was tempting, but I knew it was out of pity. He knew how it was at home... and so he wanted to take care of me, even as friends. But I knew my Mom would never let that happen. I didn't want to bring him down with me in this hell. I had suffered alone for all these years. I could still tolerate it.
"Don't go inside." I stopped crying when I heard Archie's voice outside.
"Why?" I heard Celestia's voice. "I need to say goodbye to your sister before I leave."
"This is not a good time. Just... Don't go inside."
I cried more when I heard their footsteps fading. Archie knew. Did she hear me crying? Did she see me? I never wanted her to see me weak. I would be easy prey to others if they saw me like this.
I had to get my shit together. Pinunasan ko ang luha ko at dumeretso sa bathroom para mag-shower. After that, they delivered me my brunch meal. It was just salad. I was already used to eating salad, so it was already enough to make me full.
After that, I took a nap. When I woke up, it was already dinnertime. They delivered me another meal, but I said I was not hungry. The next day, I had training, pero sa gym kami ni Coach Avi, so hindi kami nagkita ni Lai.
"There's an international training camp in Canada. We're participating, so you can learn with other figure skaters from different countries," sabi niya sa akin. "We're leaving next week because I signed up late."
Parang lumiwanag bigla ang mukha ko, iniisip ko pa lang na makakaalis ako ng bahay. Even though I only had little time to prepare, it didn't matter. What mattered to me was the fact that I could leave home.
I couldn't see Lyonelle before I left. Three weeks lang naman kami roon. When we landed, I was expecting to ride a cab straight to the training camp, pero noong palabas na kami sa Arrivals area, I saw my name on an iPad screen.
My eyes widened when I looked at the man holding it. I immediately ran to him for a tight hug. "Daddy!" I yelled in excitement.
My feet left the floor dahil nabuhat niya pa ako. I almost cried when I saw him. After so many years... I finally saw him again. My dad always made me feel safe. It was the opposite feeling I felt with my mom.
"Surprise?" he said after putting me down. "I have some business here in Canada. When I heard from your mom that you're going, I moved my meetings so I could see you."
"Thank you, Daddy!" I was so happy. Binati rin siya ni Coach Avi bago kami lumabas. He had a fancy car and a driver with him so hinatid niya kami papunta sa training camp.
I just put my things down at the apartment, and then I went out to have dinner with Dad. We talked about a lot of things, but I always left out how hard it was at home. I just wanted to talk about the happy things.
"You don't have a boyfriend yet?" he asked, teasing.
"I need to focus on my training," I answered while eating my salad.
"You should go out and have fun too." Natigilan ako. Yeah... Mom was the one stopping me from doing those things. "Iyan lang ba ang kakainin mo?"
"I need to maintain my weight," I told him. "It's part of my diet."
"How's your mom? We barely talk these days. She seems pretty busy." I didn't even know he called her often. I thought he only called twice a month.
"She's okay." I shrugged. "Mom is still Mom."
Dad told me to try to make friends with everyone in the training camp. I was never that kind of person, but since I was abroad, I might as well do that. We wouldn't see each other that much anyway kapag umuwi na ako.
The next day, Coach woke me up early for breakfast with other figure skaters. That was the first time I met them. Everyone introduced themselves and the country they came from. As Dad said, I tried to make friends with everyone, but I specifically got along with the British guy named Harvey because he was half-Filipino.
He was tall, handsome, and really friendly. It seemed like everyone wanted to get along with him because he seemed like the cool and funny guy among everyone... or maybe some just wanted to be in a relationship with him.
"But I'm not looking for a girlfriend yet. I've never been in a relationship before," he told me while we were walking to the gym.
"Really?" Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mga mata. With that face, charisma, and aura?
"I swear." Tumawa siya. "Even if you check my profiles and ask everyone who knows me. I've never had a girlfriend."
"Well, me too. I've never been in a relationship before," I told him.
We were just training the whole day. I even got lunch with the other girls, but when Harvey's name came up in the conversation, they started teasing me about him. I was so confused. I only thought of him as a friend, and it was the first day I met him!
"There's really nothing. I literally just met him," I told them.
But it did not stop there. Harvey and I had gotten closer the more we spent time together. Hindi lang naman siya ang nakakasama ko. Lumalabas din ako with the other girls. I wasn't really making it a big deal.
While doing my jump, I fell and hurt my butt. "Need a hand?" Harvey smiled and offered me his hand.
Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at tinulungan naman niya akong makatayo. After that, we skated together. Free practice kasi. Everyone was practicing by themselves.
"Here." Inabutan niya ako ng water nang makita akong nakaupo sa bench, pagod na. I was trying to remove my skating shoes. Kinuha ko ang tubig at habang umiinom ako, niluhod niya ang isang tuhod sa harapan ko para tulungan akong tanggalin ang skating shoes ko.
I was just staring at him. I did stalk his profile the other day, and he was telling the truth. Almost all of his photos were just him figure skating. Some with friends and family. His following list is also intimate. Puro friends lang and family. He wasn't even following celebrities, models, or influencers. Just people he knew.
He had already won a lot of medals and trophies from international competitions kahit same age lang kami. I should learn a lot from him.
"If you visit the Philippines, just message me," I told him while he was walking me back to the apartment.
"Of course. I'll go there soon," sabi niya.
Before I slept, I got my phone and scrolled through my Instagram feed. I checked Lyonelle's Instagram stories. There was one at the gym, and then suddenly, a photo of him on a... beach? He wasn't in Manila. It looked like a different place.
Sa next IG story, it was a selfie photo with a man in the background trying to avoid the camera.
'dropped off mr. lover boy lmfao look at the camera, asshole. iba pala ginagawa mo rito @sevenalc'
It was his best friend. Hinatid niya somewhere na may beach. We weren't really talking, so I could only assume things based on his IG stories. I wasn't messaging him, and he wasn't messaging me either kaya hindi kami nag-uusap.
I had the urge to reply to his IG story just to start a conversation. Ang tagal na naming hindi nag-uusap, eh.
iceuary: Where r u
In just a second, he replied with a photo. He was beside the beach, hinahangin ang buhok niya at naka-peace sign siya.
iceuary: Where is that
lyonelle: Province. Hinatid ko friend ko :D
iceuary: You staying there?
lyonelle: Probably for 3-4 days so I can bother him and help him out. He sucks at flirting.
iceuary: So you think you're good at flirting?
lyonelle: Don't you agree?
iceuary: I don't think so. You don't even have a girlfriend.
lyonelle: Should I start looking?
Hindi ko alam ang ita-type ko. I stared at his message for so long... until my fingers started typing.
iceuary: I'm here to support you.
lyonelle: Thanks. I should start looking now.
Akala ko ba ay magfo-focus siya sa training niya? Bakit mukhang gustong-gusto na niya maghanap ng girlfriend ngayon? Well, it wasn't my business anymore. We were just friends anyway.
Hindi na ako nag-reply at natulog na lang. I had the same routine for my whole stay. In three weeks, my improvement was drastic, not just with figure skating, but with meeting people and making friends. It was such a good experience.
"You don't want to drink?" Harvey asked. On our last day, everyone went out for a drink. Nasa labas ako, nagpapahangin. Sinundan naman ako ni Harvey.
Umiling ako. "I don't drink much. I wasn't allowed," I told him.
"Me too. My alcohol tolerance is low," sabi niya sa akin. Nagpamulsa siya at tumingin din sa harapan. "I had such a great time with you. Thank you."
"Me too. I'll miss everyone," I told him. "I hope I see you guys at the next camp."
"I'll miss you too," deretsong sabi niya.
Napakurap ako at umiwas ng tingin. I didn't know what to feel. Spending time with him was actually great. I couldn't say if I liked him or not, but the moments we had were worth cherishing.
"Stay in touch," bilin niya.
"Sure," nakangiting sabi ko.
He hugged me tightly and caressed my hair. That was the last time we talked before I went back to the Philippines. Just thinking about going home and seeing Mom made me feel tired already.
"I'm back," I announced to no one while pulling my luggage with me. The helpers helped me with my things, so I went straight upstairs. Mom already returned my cards and my phone before I left for Canada, so I assumed that I wasn't grounded anymore.
I saw a dress on my bed with a note. It was just Mom telling me to prepare for later because may social event kaming pupuntahan. I just arrived home!
I had no choice but to shower and put makeup on. I put my hair in a messy bun and curled some of the strands falling. Then, I wore the dress. It was a long red off-shoulder dress that hugged my body. May slit sa left side going up just until my safety shorts inside. Sinuot ko na rin ang red gloves na kasama noong dress. It looked like a very formal event.
Everyone went, except Rila. Nakaayos na ang dalawang kapatid ko nang lumabas ako ng kwarto. Mom was already at the venue so pinasundo kami sa driver.
When we arrived at the venue, I realized that it was a formal birthday celebration of one of the richest people in the country. When I looked around, I saw famous politicians, celebrities, and businessmen. Everyone there screamed money. Ugh... It knew it was going to be a long tiring night. May jet lag pa ako.
Umupo muna ako sa assigned seat sa amin at sumandal, inaantok. I yawned while my older sister was greeting people she knew. Archie looked bored too. She was just on her phone.
"Babes!" I looked at my left side and saw Nadia walking towards me while holding a glass of champagne. She was also in an elegant dress. "You're back! You didn't even message me!"
"I just landed. I'm still so sleepy," sabi ko sa kanya. Tumabi siya sa akin at inalok ako ng champagne. Napailing naman ako. "I don't even know kung sino ang may birthday."
"Wait, where are you going?" tanong niya nang tumayo ako.
"I'll get some dessert."
I stood up and went to the long table of desserts. Kumuha ako ng maliit na plate at naglakad-lakad. I didn't know what to get. Ang dami.
"The s'mores taste the best." I almost jumped when I felt the presence of a man behind me.
Mabilis akong napalingon sa kanya. "Lyonelle..."
Wow, it was like I was seeing him for the first time again. Ang tagal kasi naming hindi nagkita. He was wearing an all-black formal wear pero tinanggal niya ang coat niya.
"Hey, gorgeous," bati niya at ngumiti.
"What are you doing here?"
That was a silly question.
"What do you mean? It's my grandma's birthday."
Napaawang ang labi ko at tumingin sa paligid. This was all prepared by their family, huh. Wow... Why was I even surprised?
"Kuya, saan ang C.R. dito? Naje-jebs na ako." Napakunot ang noo ko nang may lumapit na mas batang lalaki sa kanya. Maybe around eighteen years old. Tinakpan kaagad ni Lyonelle ang bibig nito at tumingin sa paligid.
"Doon," turo ni Lyonelle sa may gilid. "Lower your voice."
Tinanggal ng lalaki 'yong kamay ni Lyonelle. "Saan ang C.R. dito?" Binabaan nga niya ang tono ng boses niya, nang-aasar.
"I mean the volume of your voice."
"Dami namang request. Bahala ka diyan! Sakit na ng tiyan ko. Huwag mo kakainin 'yong chocolate cupcake, Ate, ah," sabi niya sa akin bago tumakbo.
"That was my younger brother, Leone." Napailing si Lyonelle, mukhang nahihiya.
"Lyonelle! Omg, hi!" A woman went to him and immediately hugged him. Napaiwas ako ng tingin at kumuha na lang ng dessert bago bumalik sa table.
The whole night, I saw Lyonelle surrounded by women, but there was this one woman he was talking with most of the time. She was familiar. Probably a celebrity.
"That's Anastasia Figueroa," bulong sa akin ni Nadia nang makita ang tinitingnan ko. "It's Clain's younger sister. Same year as us."
"Is she a celebrity?" tanong ko. She was familiar.
"She models and joins pageants. You probably saw her on a billboard."
Lyonelle and her never parted ways the whole night. He was all over her. It almost looked like he... liked her. Well, what was there not to like? The woman was the most gorgeous woman my age I ever saw in real life.
"Enough with the dessert, Icelle." I felt shivers down my spine when my Mom briefly held my arm and whispered behind me.
I nodded and pushed the plate. Hindi ko pa nga nauubos. After that, she was back to her smiling self while talking to other people.
Archie was with Celestia. Kaya pala wala na siya sa table. Mabuti na lang at nandito rin si Nadia kaya may kausap ako. We also stood up to talk to our acquaintances. I couldn't treat them as friends. We just knew each other and would only talk during these types of events.
Ang bilis maubos ng social battery ko. I excused myself immediately and went out to the hotel lobby so I could get away from all the noise inside the venue. It was held in the five-star hotel's function room.
Umupo ako sa couch at tinanggal ang heels ko. It was already hurting my feet.
Nagulat ako nang may lumuhod sa harapan ko para lagyan ng band aid ang likod ng paa ko. Lyonelle looked up to me and smiled. Umiwas lang ako ng tingin at pinagkrus ang braso ko. Why did he follow me?
He sat beside me, leaving no space between us. "Why are you out here?"
"Because I don't want to talk to people," I said, glaring at him. Ayaw ko nga ng kausap, sinundan pa ako rito.
"Bored? Yabang naman... Nag-Canada lang," he teased.
I had the urge to laugh, but I just bit my lower lip and looked down.
"Do you want to rest in my hotel room?" He showed me the key card.
"Can I sleep there? I just landed, and I'm sleepy," sabi ko naman. "Unless you're bringing someone else later..."
"Why would I bring someone in my hotel room?" Kumunot ang noo niya.
"Oh, come on. Stop acting like you don't do that." Tumayo ako at sabay kaming naglakad papuntang elevator.
"Do what?" Tumaas ang isang kilay niya. "Sex?" he asked when the elevator door closed.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at napalingon sa kanya. Mabuti na lang at kami lang dalawa ang nasa elevator. I didn't think he would say it out loud.
"I didn't know you were curious about my sex life." He laughed, teasing me.
"I am not," I defended myself. "You just give off that vibe."
"I don't know if I would be flattered." Napahawak siya sa dibdib niya. "But, no... Sorry to disappoint you. You're the only woman I'm bringing to my hotel room."
"That sounds so wrong."
"You're thinking of other things." The side of his lips rose, teasing me more.
I had enough of his teasing. I looked back at him and stepped closer. His eyes widened, and he stepped back until his back hit the corner. He looked away when I stared at him and held his shoulders.
"Are you down?" I whispered.
He swallowed hard, unable to talk.
"Yeah? Thought so." I rolled my eyes and let go of him. Nauna na akong naglakad dahil bumukas na rin ang elevator. I heard him sigh heavily, like he just let go of the breath he was holding.
Kinuha ko ang key card sa kanya at tinapat sa may door knob. When it opened, I went inside and removed my heels and gloves.
"You have an extra shirt?" I asked, and he nodded. "Can you undress me, please?" I also teased because he looked so nervous after what I did in the elevator.
"Excuse me, what?" Napakurap siya.
"Take my dress off," I told him again.
"Why?"
"So I can change, duh? I can't reach the zipper."
Mukhang naintindihan na niya. Binaba niya ang zipper at tumalikod sa akin habang nakatakip ng mga mata. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from smiling.
"Are you done?" tanong niya.
Hinubad ko ang dress ko at sinuot ang dress shirt niya. I buttoned it until my chest. It was big so medyo natakpan ang safety shorts kong itim. It was fine since it was more comfortable than the dress. After that, I removed my bun and just let my long wavy hair down.
"Yes, I'm done," I answered.
When he looked back at me, he bit his lower lip and looked away again like he wanted to avoid me.
I sat on the sofa and crossed my legs while he was standing awkwardly in the corner.
"Uh... I'll just go back to the party," he said without looking at me.
"Why? Stay with me," I said, still teasing. His reactions were entertaining to me. "Did you not miss me? We haven't seen each other for weeks."
"What happened to you, huh? Why are you being like this?" inis na tanong niya na.
"I'm kidding. Relax." I rolled my eyes and opened the television. "You can go. I'll stay here until the party ends."
"Actually, you know what? I'll just stay here." Kumuha siya ng champagne sa ref at dalawang baso.
He poured me a glass, and we drank together. He asked me about what happened in Canada, and I told him everything I could remember.
"So, did you get to move things forward with Harvey?" he asked.
"No..." Umiling ako. "Why would I?"
"He seems to like you. You should have grabbed that opportunity to get a boyfriend." He laughed before drinking again.
"I don't want a long-distance relationship." I rolled my eyes. "But he was a really nice guy. I liked him."
He nodded. "Then you should pursue him."
"You think so?" I was probably getting tipsy already. Why would I even consider that? I never considered talking to Harvey again when I was sober.
"Of course. He seems like a great guy, and you have so many things in common. I'll support you," nakangiting sabi niya.
Why did that make me feel worse? Why was I annoyed because of what he said?
"I'll try." Kinuha ko ang phone ko para mag-type ng message. Lyonelle even told me what to say, but I went with a simple 'Hi! I'm in the Philippines already. How about you? Have you landed?'
After that, I just put my phone down and drank another glass. It was my turn to ask Lyonelle about what happened while I was away.
"I spent time with Seven." He suddenly laughed like he remembered something. "Sorry. It's just funny seeing him with the girl he likes."
"How about you? Any girl you like?" I asked.
He just shrugged and didn't give a definite answer. I knew it. He liked Clain's sister.
"When will I make you smile?" he suddenly asked after a short silence. He looked at me while holding the champagne glass.
You already made me smile. You just didn't see it.
"Work harder," I said.
He went closer to me while staring at my eyes. Then, he placed some of my hair strands behind my ear before smiling.
"So pretty," he said.
I felt my cheeks blushing, so I looked in the other direction. Why would he suddenly say that?! I wasn't prepared for that.
"Look at me. I'll tell you a secret."
Mabilis akong napalingon sa kanya. Inubos niya muna ang natitirang champagne sa baso niya bago ako tiningnan. A small smile was plastered on his lips.
"I missed you," he said.
I looked away and bit the insides of my cheek to stop myself from smiling, but I couldn't help it. I laughed a little and drank another glass. His smile grew wider when he heard me laugh.
"Damn..." he whispered.
"Why?" I glared at him.
"You want another secret?"
I raised my brow. "What is it?"
He leaned on my side so he could whisper in my ear. "I just fell for you."
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:)