My sleep was restless that night. I couldn't get the stench of beer and cigarettes out of my mind and even though I could normally ignore most pain I had, I couldn't ignore the throbbing on my head from where my father yanked me back. I couldn't ignore the pain that radiated throughout my entire back from when my father punched me. I couldn't even ignore the minuscule pain that shot through my waist from where Johnny had gripped me.
Before I knew it, the time ticked on and my alarm rang from beside me. It wasn't a loud alarm, it couldn't be. Another thing I had to get used to in this life with my father, not making noise that could possibly wake him up, so my alarm instead was a symphony of relaxing piano notes that gently pulled me from sleep, normally at least.
I hurried to get myself ready, having to change out my clothes sooner than I wanted to due to last night. I wasn't going to go to school smelling like alcohol. I would just have to wear one of my outfits for a 3rd time this week until I could get the other washed.
I only had 3 outfits to choose from and I wore them multiple times in a week, trying my hardest to keep everything clean. I had maroon corduroy pants that were still somehow so soft, and even though they were nowhere near fashionable, they were still my favorite pair of pants.
I had a pair of black slacks that narrowed at the ankle and sat about an inch above my ankle bone-the epitome of fashion-I disliked those the most, but beggars couldn't be choosers. I didn't need a lot of clothes and I also saw the other families that came into the church on Wednesdays and Sundays. They seemed to need it more than me so I always passed on the clothes until absolutely necessary.
Finally, a pair of bootcut brown pants that were tattered and frayed at the bottoms from dragging on the ground when I walked as the pants were too long for me or I was too short, either way, it wasn't the most professional or put together look. I tried to only wear those on Fridays but I wasn't always that lucky.
The rest of my wardrobe consisted of the essentials, underwear that was a little too old and had random holes, socks with the same issues, plain t-shirts, one sweater that I either always wore or brought with me, and what used to be a light blue winter coat. Whenever I had to go pick out clothes at the church, I tried to get the simplest and easiest of clothes. I always went for the plain shirts which were easier to obtain and choose. The pants, however, were a little more difficult due to the sizing, but sometimes I just had to take what I could get.
I finished getting ready, tiptoeing around my father passed out on his chair, half of an uneaten sandwich lay on the table next to him and my stomach grumbled at the sight. I darted as quietly as I could out of the house before my stomach could growl louder and potentially wake him up.
The fall had the morning in a blanket of darkness, stars fighting to be the brightest in a black sky that was polluted with the light of the city. Sometimes, in the summer, I would take the long way home from work that brought me around the back of the trailer park. Instead of turning left into the park, I would take a right. It was only a five or so minute walk to the little hill that sat outside the direct perimeter of the town. It wasn't this grand place, but just a little higher to view as many stars as possible away from the lights of town.
And sometimes, because I wanted to be comforted every so often with something unyieldingly beautiful, I would fall asleep under the stars. Stupid? Without a doubt, but I couldn't help it. Besides, it was so out of the way of town and no one really passed by it, just a field with no homes or roads.
I figured if I could suck it up to sleep in the play tunnels and slides at different parks then I could sleep somewhere that at least took my breath away.
Another thing that took my breath away was the chill in the morning air. It was only October and I was surprised at how cold it was getting already as my breath formed in front of me before wisping away into the air. As I made my way to the front of the park, the low rumble of idling cars filled my ears.
People went about their morning routines, some waking and working early while others continued their slumber as their shifts don't start until later or they just got done working.
One person, in particular, was quietly making her way down a set of steps, a young child wrapped in a blanket lay in her arms. It was the same woman from Johnny's house that poked her head out last night, thankfully interrupting the interaction I had with Johnny.
It wasn't until my feet brought me a little further that I noticed her face. One black and blue eye and busted lip that wasn't there when I saw her last night. Her car too was idling, warming for her and her child. We stared at each other for just a beat when she quietly shut the door after buckling her child in.
I could see on her face that she was scared at the fact that I was watching her leave and I hoped she could see that I wasn't going to say anything. I gave her an understanding nod and continued my trek to school.
I hoped that she could see enough to know that she needs to run far away and never look back.
The day continued on without much interruption or issues from anyone. Even Syre seemed to be taking the day easy which came with no objections from me. Before I knew it, I was back at the church to restock some of our food and hopefully get a new coat since winter was deciding to make its early arrival a permanent thing.
Fortunately for me, there was a single bag of brown rice that I scooped up and got the things that I knew my father would want and liked. I inquired about a coat and was told that they currently didn't have any as their coat drive wasn't for another couple of weeks. They weren't anticipating winter arriving so early so they hadn't had time to run a donation event to get them.
I didn't blame the church, no one expected it to be here this soon either. Normally, at least a solid half of October was spent between the varying temperatures of a little chilly to super warm as mother nature settled into its seasons.
I blamed Syre.
I blamed my father.
I blamed my mother.
At least my parents had enough sense to only bring one life into this world to destroy instead of multiple. I don't know how I would survive if I had siblings to worry about. I definitely wouldn't be attending St. Augusta, I would not be attending college. I probably would've sucked it up and found my vice in Johnny far too much for my comfort. Working day in and day out just to support them and my father.
I guess I was lucky in a sense. However, depending on how you look at it, maybe I wasn't lucky because I didn't have parents that could-or wanted- to give me a life with siblings that I just had a normal relationship with and didn't have to support them.
It didn't even matter, I couldn't change anything about the situation. I didn't want to since I was so close to being done and moving on from here.
That's what was important.
"Here," another one of the church volunteers said to me, breaking me from my running thoughts.
In his hands held a thick sweater-a hoodie, I suppose, in his hands. It was black with gray lettering on the front. It had what looked to be two big U's, one normal, and one flipped upside down so that they overlapped one another. I wasn't sure what it was, and I normally went for clothes that were plain, I wasn't going to complain and pass up the opportunity of getting another sweater.
I took it gently from his hands and instantly felt the soft plush of the sweater's thickness. It was so plush it was almost spongy and I knew that already this would keep me warmer than the worn down coat I once had.
"It's a little big; it's a men's small, but it was the closest thing to a coat that looked would fit you that I could find."
I politely waved him off with my hand, "It's perfect. Thank you so much, Alan."
Alan gave me a smile, the crinkle of his eyes matching before he dipped his head and stalked off to do some other task needed of him.
I hugged the thick sweater to my body once again and I debated whether I should take off the zip-up one I had on before putting this one on. I felt the inside of the sweater and the fabric was a soft fleece, as if never worn. I wanted to feel the softness on my skin, on my arms, to snuggle into it and let it give me a sense of safety that I so desperately craved and didn't get too often.
Deciding that the extra zip-up would still provide even more warmth, I left it on and shoved my limbs through the hoodie, immediately putting myself into a cocoon of comfort and warmth and a softness I didn't receive often enough.
A small smile slipped onto my lips as I hugged the fabric closer to my body and allowed myself time to enjoy this moment. I gave one last little squeeze of myself before loading my arms up with the bags of food and supplies that I needed to bring home before going to my shift at work.
Once I was finally at work, I noticed that Kaya was already there and ready to start. She did fairly already on her own that I asked Brandon if she could be set up on a register next to me, but work on her own. I would be there to answer any questions she had, but she caught on relatively quickly and it would be a waste to be on the same register together. It was even easier to catch on and be confident in what you were doing when you were actually doing the work.
I did enjoy working with Kaya, she was funny and we talked over our register lines any time there was a lull in shoppers needing to be checked out. She held her own relatively well and only had a few hiccups with a couple of coupons. I was there to help her through it and she was able to finish out her shift with the things she learned as they occurred.
Brandon had come by and flicked off our lights, leaving one register open. The typical closer every night was Tracy. He was a dark skinned goofball that I suspected didn't have a serious bone in his body. Tracy had retired a handful of years ago as a science teacher, but got too bored sitting at home and loved working at the store, so he offered to be the one to always close the store.
I think it had to do with losing his wife not too long ago that he spent his time here. Even though I didn't know Tracy super well, it was easy to see and know just how much he loved his wife. And I knew, without a doubt, that he would trade places with her in a heartbeat. Not because he didn't want to be in this world, but because he thought the world of his wife.
Tonight, unfortunately, was a night that Santiago had off, and even though I could go get a sandwich from the deli, something inside of me was too afraid to do it when Santi was gone. I didn't want others to pry or even get wind of what it is that I went through, this place was sort of an escape from me.
I saw the pity that filled the eyes of the volunteers at the church any time I went, I got pity from the counselor at school, and then nothing but loathing from most of the eyes of my peers, and pure hatred from Syre-I didn't need any more.
Kaya again asked if I wanted to grab food from a restaurant close by, but I declined once more, I didn't any sleep last night and was exhausted from everything I had to do today, but I promised to go with her soon.
"Do you want a ride home? I don't mind," Kaya asked earnestly. She was kind and always offered to give me a lift.
I smiled at her kindness, "I'll be all right, my house isn't that far from here," soon she'll get used to my declination and will stop asking, hopefully.
Kaya nibbled on her bottom lip, "I mean-are you sure? It's really cold out and you don't even have a jacket," she continued, motioning her hand toward my frame that held the new sweater I got from the church today.
She was wrapped in her own long, black puffer jacket that had layers within the coat. Kaya showed me a pack that connects to some type of wire or cord...I wasn't sure, but once she plugged it in she was able to turn it on and the jacket actually heated up inside, keeping her beyond warm. I was so taken with the jacket, so fascinated, and knew that I was far off from ever being able to afford something like that.
Maybe after I moved for college and started working I could put some money aside slowly and within a few years I could have a jacket just like that. Though, I wasn't sure I would be able to stomach the cost and would revert to buying a simpler, cheaper jacket.
Kaya had let me try her jacket on, since we were relatively close in size, and if I were a thief, I would've stolen it. Fortunately, the evilness of my father, of Syre, of the world, hasn't tarnished the good inside of me.
But again, I couldn't just allow her to venture into my world, my neighborhood. I smiled at her again, "I promise, I'll be fine, this is keeping me nice and warm," okay, so maybe it was just a little white lie. While the sweater was doing a good job at staving off the cold, it wasn't going to be enough once full winter hit. Which, considering the current weather as of late, would be soon since it seemed that mother nature was keen on skipping fall.
I enjoyed the fall especially when I had to walk most places. The changing of leaves to an artist's palette of colors was beautiful. Fall trees gave me such a sense of wanderlust that it was a struggle not to drift off when that feeling hit. The feeling of modest adventure, being an unknown presence in a different part of the world, to experience the life of others through their eyes...it was weird, I knew I loved to travel without ever actually having done so.
"You're positive?" Kaya asked again, quieter this time, almost as if she were conceding to something she didn't want to.
I gave her another nod of my head.
"You're insufferable," she mumbled.
At first, I was hit with a wave of hurt, so strong it almost knocked me off my feet and successfully knocked the breath from my lungs. I hoped I was able to steel myself enough that Kaya didn't catch any of it.
It was too close to what my father liked to say to me and I knew that getting even just a smidge close to Kaya was a mistake. She couldn't stand me just like everyone else, putting in more effort into building a friendship than I did.
Than I could.
She was upset, rightfully so, about wasting her time in trying to make a friend with me, and even though I couldn't be friends with anyone, I sort of wanted to. I wanted just a little bit of normalcy, to see how the other side lived. The side with friends, sleepovers, with family that visited and that you visited too. Holidays, celebrations, traditions, inside jokes, memories, everything that made up a family.
Everything I didn't have.
Kaya rolled her eyes immediately after and smiled at me, to say she was kidding. She was joking. Because that's what friends do.
And even though she wasn't witness to my internal dilemma, I felt embarrassed at my mental reaction. I knew I had to stop jumping to conclusions like that, but if my history was any indicator, I was completely justified in my reaction.
"I'm going to wear you down, Logie," Kaya said with a wink in my direction as she walked backward to her shiny white car. I didn't care to look at what type it was, I wouldn't even know what it meant anyway, but it was shiny, sleek, clean. It reminded me of a certain someone's car and at the mere thought of his name in my mind, the view of his face settled into my mental vision.
His smile, the little dimple in his chin without a twin on the opposing side. Teeth almost as white as Kaya's car, straight as ever, a decent tan that ran over his skin, no doubt from the time he spends in the sun during football practice.
I shook Vance from my head and focused back on Kaya and the nickname she'd given me. Soon enough these nicknames were going to get old, but I'd let her have that. I'd let her have the nickname as it was one of the only things I would ever be able to give in this friendship.
"I'll see you tomorrow!" she cheerily yelled as she got into her car and started it. Kaya looked at me through the mirror and offered me a wave. I returned it, and the smile, before turning around and making my way home.
As I walked along, I noticed Kaya still just sitting in her car and I couldn't tell if she was watching me through the mirror or not until I finally faded from her view. Maybe she waited, watched for my safety until I was out of sight.
That thought filled me with warmth and I let myself revel in it. Lately, I had been filled with warming emotions, and considering that those are infrequent, I was going to savor every single one of them for as long as I could.