"We need to talk, Jillian."
My hands were shaking while holding my phone as I kept reading and reading his text. I'm not dumb, hindi ako pinanganak kahapon, and by the way that he's been acting lately, alam ko na kung ano ang talk.
"Sorry, mahal. I have to review for my finals," I replied. A tear dropped on my phone screen.
Ako naman ang ilang araw na naging mailap kay Roux. Ilang araw kong iniwasan ang mga texts niya tuwing makikipagkita siya para makapag-usap kami. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa amin. I don't want us to end, I want Roux and I need him. Gabi gabi akong umiiyak tuwing naiimagine ko na wala na kami.
"What are you doing here?" hindi makapaniwala kong tanong nang makita si Rouqil na pumasok sa bahay ko.
"Let's talk," I could hear the sadness in his voice, tila ba ay nahihirapan siya.
I inhaled, my palms started sweating. Hindi naman pwedeng lagi ko nalang siyang iiwasan kaya tumango ako. "Wag dito, let's just... let's just take a walk," I tried so hard not to stutter but I failed. Tumango naman siya at lumabas ng bahay ko.
The elevator ride was silent. I couldn't speak, too, because there were too many things going on in my mind. Nakakabingi din ang tibok ng puso ko. I really don't get it. May nagawa ba akong mali? May nasabi ba ako? Did something happen in Chicago that I was too dumb to notice?
Hindi ko alam kung saan kami pupunta but we just started walking on the sidewalk. Tila ang lalim din ng iniisip ni Roux, his hands on his pocket. I could barely see his face dahil natatakpan ito ng hood ng hoodie niya. We stopped in front of an empty park. I stopped walking because he stopped walking. Nanginig agad ang mga kamay ko na agad kong ipinasok sa bulsa ng hoodie ko.
"Jillian," he looked at me with so much pain in his eyes and I could tell, I could tell what he was about to say. I immediately felt the tears welling up in my eyes.
"Roux, please," my voice trembled. It sounded small and weak. "Please, wag."
"I'm sorry," he breathlessly said, like he was having a hard time saying those words. "It's just that... I realized, I realized that we're not made for each other. Na ang hirap mong abutin," malungkot nitong sabi. The post light glimmered his eyes.
I was taken aback by what he said. "Ang hirap kong abutin?" I said in disbelief. "We've been together for almost two years, when did I ever make you feel that way?"
"Everyday."
Pakiramdam ko sinaksak ang puso ko. Sana nga sinaksak nalang ako. One word, one word pierced through my soul like a motherfucker.
"Then what can I do to not make you feel that way, anymore, Roux? Sabihin mo at babaguhin ko wag ka lang mawala sa akin," pagmamakaawa ko. "Please."
He clenched his jaw at mariin nitong pinikit ang mga mata niya as he inhaled. My tears immediately started falling when he opened his eyes and his gaze was distant and cold, it was as if the love and adoration that were once in his eyes whenever he looks at me vanished.
"Let's end this."
My lips quivered. "Please, wag," I plead. "Hindi ko kaya, Roux," I shook my head, hinawakan ko agad ang mga kamay niya. "Mahal na mahal kita, gagawin ko naman lahat eh. Just tell me anong kailangan kong baguhin para lang hindi mo ako iwan, Roux," I held his hand tightly. He became blurry nang sunod sunod na pumatak ang mga luha ko. Ang bigat bigat pa ng dibdib ko, I couldn't fucking breath.
"Come on, my love," I bitterly chuckled nang hindi siya magsalita. He looked away while sucking his lip. "Mahal, wag naman yung ganito," I said in between my sobs.
"Jillian," he tried to remove his hand from my grip kaya mas hinigpitan ko ang paghawak sa kanya. Tingin ko kasi, pagbinitawan ko siya, tuluyan na siyang mawawala sa akin. "Jillian, please, stop crying," his voice shook.
"Am I not enough, Roux?"
Malungkot niya akong tinignan at umiling. "You're more than enough."
"Then why are you leaving me?" I cried again.
"I'm sorry," a tear dropped from his eyes. Napayakap nalamang ako sa sarili ko at napahagulgol when he pulled his hand away and walked away from me. Gusto kong tumakbo at sundan siya at magmakaawa but I couldn't, I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe.
My head felt numb and my breathing became shaky. Napamasahe agad ako sa dibdib ko, hoping it would ease the pain and heaviness in my heart, but it didn't. I gasped for air at napayuko nalamang ako. Mas lalo akong naiyak nang hindi ako makahinga.
"Are you okay, miss?" an old lady suddenly came up to me, holding me up on my shoulders.
Agad akong umiling. "I... I can't... I can't breathe," nahihirapan kong sagot habang patuloy na minamasahe ang dibdib ko.
"Oh god, you're having a panic attack," natataranta nitong sabi. Agad niyang hinagod ang likod ko. "Okay, breathe in," she instructed and I followed. "Think of something that makes you happy."
Nagsituluan agad ang mga luha ko. The happy memories that I used to think about all the time were no longer making me happy, nasasaktan na ako tuwing naalala ko iyon. "Breathe out." I sharply exhaled. "Breathe in, again. Long breaths." I inhaled. And exhaled. The pain in my chest started to ease up. I kept inhaling and exhaling for a few more times hangang sa kumalma ang buong katawan ko.
Naiiyak na napayakap nalamang ako sa ale once I felt better. Humagulgol ako sa mga balikat nito, it was all I ever needed.
________
I woke up with a heavy heart. It has been three days since we broke up, since Roux broke up with me. Three days ago was the last time I ate properly, bathe, cleaned the house, at nagkaganang mabuhay. Ang dami kong tanong. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin sa kanya.
Walang oras na hindi ko iniisip kung saan ako nagkulang. We're not made for each other. Was I too much for him? I barely go out simula noong maging kami dahil ayokong laging nasa trabaho si Roux habang ako ay nagpaparty. Hindi ko na nga siya niyayayang mag out of town or anything that involves spending money because I know he'll need his money to pay for his bills and the loan. I minimized my lifestyle to match his. Ano pa ba ang dapat kong gawin?
"Hi," pilit akong ngumiti sa bartender nang maupo ako sa bar. "Jimmy? Right?"
He sweetly smiled at me and nodded. "Yes. What can I get for you?" he asked while still mixing a drink.
"Uhm..." I swallowed the lump in my throat as I roamed my eyes around Mabuhay. "Is... Is Rouqil here today?" I asked, almost whispering. Ang bilis nanaman ng tibok nang puso ko.
"Yeah, he's in the back. Does he know you?" he casually asked.
Tumango agad ako. "Can you tell him that Jillian's here?"
"Of course," agad nitong sagot. "Give me one sec," pagpapaalam nito sa akin. He served the drink that he was making to a customer and asked his other co-bartender to cover for him.
I was fidgeting with my fingers as I waited for Jimmy to come back. My breathing became shaky again so I started inhaling and exhaling to calm my heart down.
Pilit akong nginitian ni Jimmy nang makabalik siya. My heart dropped as soon as I saw his face. It was obvious that he didn't successfully convinced Roux to see me. "I apologize, he's busy right now. He's on a call," he explained.
Tumango nalamang ako at pilit na ngumiti din sa kanya. "I'll... I'll just... I'll come back tomorrow then."
Days went by and every time I show up at his bar, lagi agad sinasabi ng mga bartenders niya na busy siya. Kilala na nga nila ako eh. And I could've just walked in the back and barge his office but I couldn't get myself to do it.
"Hi, Jimmy," nahihiya kong pagbati kay Jimmy nang maupo ako sa bar.
He gave me a sad smile, halatang naaawa na sa akin dahil lagi nalang akong nandito. "He's not here today, he said he's taking a day off," agad nitong sabi sa akin kahit hindi pa ako nagtanong kung nasaan si Roux.
I nodded at pilit nalamang na ngumiti. "Thank you," I told him before I left. I then booked an Uber to his house, nananalangin na sana nasa bahay niya lang siya.
Huminga akong malalim as I stood in front of Roux's door. My heart pounding in my chest and my palms started sweating as I stared at his white door. Dahan dahan kong inangat ang kamay ko, it took me a second to gain the courage to knock. Do it, Nardan. You got this. My knees felt like jello at pakiramdam ko hihimatayin ako sa kaba. I sharply exhaled before I knocked on his door. No one answered.
Lumingon ako sa likod ko to make sure that his car was parked in front of his house and it was. I knocked again. No one answered.
"Please, just let me see you one more time," I whispered to myself. I knocked again.
Napakagat agad ako sa labi ko at naiyak nang bumukas ang pinto at nakita ko si Roux. I wanted to hug him so bad. "Hey..." was all I could say. He looked tired, his eyes were bloodshot red, his hair was messy, and his eyebags were dark. He didn't look okay.
"What..." he inhaled. "What are you doing here?" malamig nitong tanong sa akin.
"Pag-usapan natin, please," pagmamakaawa ko habang pinipisil ang mga daliri ko.
"I told you, there's nothing to talk about," pagmamatigas nito. He then looked away from me while gritting his teeth. I wanted him to look at me, I wanted to see in his eyes that he still loves me. Ayaw niya na ba talaga sa akin?
"Ang unfair naman para sa akin, Roux. Hindi naman pwedeng basta basta ka nalang bibitaw dahil para sayo hindi tayo bagay, na para sayo ang hirap kong abutin. Hindi naman pwedeng ganun. Mapag-uusapan naman natin 'to eh. You tell me what I need to change and I'll do it, I'll do anything for you," naiiyak kong sabi rito.
Napamasahe ito sa batok niya habang nasa malayo pa rin ang tingin. Namumuo na din ang mga luha sa mata nito. And then he looked at me, "just leave, Nardan, please," and there was so much pain in his word please.
Marahas ko agad na pinunasan ang mga luha ko at napayuko. I was about to leave nang may maalala ako. Natanong ko na sakanya lahat maliban nalang sa isang tanong.
"Is there someone else?" I said in between my sobs. This is the question that I would never want to ask. Takot na takot akong mangyari sa akin ang ginawa ni dad kay mom, ang ginawa ni kuya Adrian kay Chanty, ang ginawa ni Eumi kay Dustin. No one deserves to be cheated, trauma cause by it will scar you for life. "Did you cheat on me, Roux?"
He looked at me in disbelief. "No, walang iba at hinding hindi ko magagawa sayo 'yon," he firmly said.
I stifled a sob and nodded. Masaya ako sa narinig ko dahil I couldn't take another kind of pain anymore. "Pero ayaw mo na talaga?" I asked once more.
It took him a second to nod. Napatango nalamang din ako. Gusto ko pang magmakaawa pero nahihirapan na naman akong makahinga kaya umatras ako at agad na tumalikod para umalis na.
"Roux," I excitedly grabbed my phone nang maalimpungatan ako dahil sa tunog nito. My entire room was pitch dark when I woke up.
"Gaga, ako 'to! Alam mo ikaw puro ka nalang Rouqil," Ruthie laughed on the other line. "I'm back, bestie!"
My tears immediately started falling again as soon as I heard her voice. Miss na miss ko na din siya. "Kumusta ang two weeks honeymoon?" I tried to keep my voice still and happy.
"Hoy, ang saya sa Cancun!" she dreamingly said. Napangiti naman ako sa narinig, masayang masaya ako para sa kanilang dalawa ni Yoham. "I'm so happy kay Yohan, Dany." Napalabi ako sa narinig ko, hindi ko napigilang mapasinghot nang mas lalo akong maiyak.
"Gaga, umiiyak ka ba?!"
I tried to laugh. "Tears of joy lang para sainyo ni Yohan, sobrang saya ko para sainyo at hindi na kayo natorpe sa isa't isa," I giggled habang pinupunasan ang mga luha ko. I laid on my back and stared at my pitch black ceiling.
"Thank you, Dany! I'm so happy din talaga na may Yohan na ako at may Rouqil ka na!" masaya nitong sabi. I could imagine her grinning. I softly laughed, unable to think of what to say.
Wala na akong Rouqil, I wanted so bad to say, but I didn't want to spoil her happiness. She just got back from their honeymoon matapos silang magka aminan ni Yohan ng totoo nilang nararamdaman.
"Speaking of Rouqil! Kumusta na ba yon? Ba't hindi na nagtetext sa amin ni Yohan?" nagtatakang tanong nito.
Napalunok ako sa tanong ni Ruth. "He's uh, he's doing good. Been working, bisitahin niyo sa Mabuhay. Alam mo naman yon, hardworking," I faked a laugh.
"Sobra," I could imagine her rolling her eye. "But yes, we'll visit him. Would you be there?" she asked.
"No, uhm... I have finals this week that I need to study for," I lied.
"Bummer," she sadly said. "Pakita ka sa amin pagkatapos ha!"
I giggled and completely wiped the tears on my cheeks. "Of course, I'll see you soon, Ruthie!" siniglahan ko ang boses ko. I then ended the call.
Pipikit na sana ulit ako nang bigla nanaman na tumunog ang telepono ko. I excitedly looked at it, hoping it was Roux, but it wasn't. My other brother, kuya Adrian called, agad ko nalamang sinagot ang tawag niya.
"Yes, kuya?" walang kagana gana kong sagot rito
"Hey, please do me a favor," he immediately said. I hummed as a response. "Kuya Aidan wants our whole family to go to the Christmas Gala and..." I was about to cut him off but he kept talking. "And I know you hate going to those events, but I can't go," agad nitong sabi bago pa ako makapagsalita. Napabuntong hininga ako at napairap.
"Why not?" naiinis kong tanong rito. It just ruined my mood, again. "Tsaka bakit ba gusto niyang lahat tayo pupunta?"
"Chanty's selling tito Lucho's house and I have to process a lot of paperwork to stop that," mahinahon nitong sabi, there was a hint of sadness in his voice.
Napakunot tuloy ang noo ko. "Why would she sell her dad's house?"
"I don't know," he sounded defeated. "And kuya Aidan wants all of us to go to that Christmas Gala because he wants to show the Chiu Hotels that we're doing fine despite losing. This is the Hotels Association of America's Christmas Gala, Nardan, they invited a lot of big people," pagpapaliwanang nito. "Business is also about politics kaya gusto ni kuya Aidan lalong lalo na ni dad, so please? Be my proxy?" malambing nitong sabi sa akin.
Napairap nalamang ako. I probably need to get out of Vegas for now, too. Walang araw kasi na gusto kong makita at magmakaawa kay Roux. Naawa na din ako sa sarili ko at sa puso ko.
"Okay," tipid kong sagot rito.
"Perfect! I'm sending the stylist your details so they can plan for your outfit and everything. The plane will pick you up on Friday, too. And I'm transferring money to your account right now as my thank you. I love you, bunso!" he happily said before he ended the call.
I stared at my phone's wallpaper nang patayin ni kuya Adrian ang tawag. It was a picture of Mono, Roux, and I. Nakahiga kaming tatlo sa kama ko, sandwiching Mono. My vision became blurry nang maiyak na naman ako, napamasahe agad ako sa dibdib ko nang sumakit na naman iyon.
I wonder how long would it take for me to move on. Weeks? Months? Years? Ang sakit sakit na kasi, like there's something really heavy that was put on my chest. Natatakot ako na baka magaya din ako sa mga pinsan at kapatid ko. Eumi still hasn't moved on from her ex, Dustin, and it's already been six years. Si kuya Adrian, he waited for Chanty for five years. At si ate Nadia, it took her eight years. I couldn't bare to be in pain for that long.
"Yes?" walang kagana gana kong sagot nang maalimpungatan na naman ako dahil sa tunog ng telepono ko. I didn't bother to check who called anymore nor I was hoping that it's going to be Roux.
"Saan ka?" Ruth said on the other line.
"House, you woke me up. Why?" sagot ko rito habang nakapikit pa rin.
"Tapatin mo nga ako, are you two not okay?" bakas sa boses nito ang inis at pamimintang. I didn't answer, napadilat nalamang ako at napalunok. Words lodged in my throat and I couldn't think of something to say.
"Nardan, we're all out right now and Roux's not doing good emotionally. Ayaw ding magsalita. Uulitin ko, are you two not okay?" mariin nitong tanong sa akin.
"Is he drunk?" was all I could say, ignoring her question.
"So fucking drunk," malungkot nitong sagot sa akin.
Huminga akong malalim at ayan na naman ang bigat sa dibdib ko. Tila ba may malaking bato na pinatong sa dibdib ko. "Wait for me, I'll be there. Ako na mag uuwi sa kanya," I said before I ended the call.
I Ubered all the way to the bar that they all went to. Oak & Ivy. A bar we've never been to before. Nakita ko agad silang lima na nasa parking lot, nakatayo sila sa likod ng sasakyan nila.
"Dany, there you are!" Ruthie said as soon as she saw me.
My gaze landed on Roux, he's leaning over on the back his car, puking his guts out habang nakatayo silang apat sa gilid niya. "How is he?" nag aalala kong tanong nang makalapit ako sa kanila.
"Not okay. The three of us have been drinking since noon and he drank the most," Vince explained, bumuntong hininga ito at dismayadong napailing.
I came up to Roux and placed my hand on his back to rub it. Patuloy ito sa pagsuka. "Fucking shit," he groaned in pain. Marahas nitong piunasan ang bibig niya at itinukod ang mga kamay sa tuhod. "I fucking hate this life!"
"Roux, let's get you home," mahinahon kong sabi rito.
Nag angat agad ito ng ulo nang marinig niya ang boses ko. Nagulat ito nang makita ako, it was as if he wasn't aware that I was the one rubbing his back this whole time. Unti unti niya agad na ginalaw ang balikat niya para matanggal ko ang kamay ko sa likod niya. It broke my heart. Does he really not want me anymore para mukhang mandiri siya sa paghawak ko?
"What is she doing here?"
My world stopped in an instant, natigil din ang pagtibok ng puso ko. I felt embarrassed in front of my friends— scratch that, of his friends dahil sa tanong nito. Ramdam ko pa ang mga titig nila sa amin. Roux remained his distant and cold gaze at me, at malungkot at naiiyak ko din siyang tinignan.
"What the fuck do you mean what is she doing here?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ni Harold, may inis din sa boses nito.
"What is going on, guys?" nag aalalang tanong ni Yohan.
"Stop trying to see me, Nardan." Nardan. I have never hated my name until now. "I already told you, ayoko na. Ayoko na sayo, ayoko na sa atin. Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan yon?" naiiyak nitong sabi.
Marahas ko agad na pinunasan ang mga luha kong kanina pa gustong kumawala. "Ang babaw naman kasi ng dahilan mo, Roux," I cried.
"Mababaw ba?!" he scoffed. "Then I'll add more into it."
I wanted to cover my ears para hindi ko marinig ang sasabihin niya pero hindi ko magawa dahil gusto ko din marinig ang iba niya pang rason.
"You're a spoiled brat na walang ginawa kung hindi humilata lang sa million dollar condominium mo! Umaasa ka lang sa mga pera na laging pinapadala ng mga kuya mo. All you do is party, drink, pilates, and enjoy your fucking yacht, private chef, luxury cabins. Eh hindi mo nga magawang magtrabaho. You have never worked a day in your life."
"Rouqil!" sita ni Ruth dito.
"You've never experienced a real struggle!" mariin nitong sabi, ignoring Ruth.
Mas diniinan ko pa ang pagkagat ko sa labi ko para doon ko nalamang maramdaman ang sakit dahil bawat kataga niya ay parang sinusuntok ako. Mabilis na nagsituluan ang luha ko dahil sa sakit ng mga sinabi niya. So is that why he thinks ang hirap kong abutin?
"Ayan? Okay na ba? Sapat na ba na rason yan para layuan mo ako?" matalim na tanong nito sa akin.
I immediately shook my head. I'd be willing to forget about my family's wealth. Gusto niya bang umalis ako sa condo ko because I would. Gusto niya bang magtrabaho ako because I would. Gusto niya bang sabihin ko kila kuya na hindi ko na kailangan ng tulong nila because I would.
"Do you want me to change that for you? I would do it in a heartbeat, Roux."
"Putangina," marahas nitong pinunasan ang luha niyang hindi niya napigilang pumatak. "Tumigil ka na," he sternly said before he turned around to walk to his front seat.
"Roux, please," tumakbo ako rito at agad na niyakap siya mula sa likod. I buried my head on his back as I cried my heart out. "Please, hindi ko talaga kaya. Please, wag mo akong iwan," pagmamakaawa ko pa. "Willing naman akong magbago para sayo eh, willing akong kalimutan na isa akong Baez para sayo!"
"Jillian, please," I heard him sobbed as he tried to remove my hands on his waist. "Please, let me go."
I stood behind him when he successfully removed my hands from his waist. Ayaw niya na talaga. "Okay," I breathed. "But look at me first, look at me and tell me that you don't love me anymore then I'll stop, hindi mo na ako makikita pa ulit," I said in between my sobs.
I waited for him to turn around kahit ayoko, ayoko siyang tumingin sa akin at sabihing hindi niya na ako mahal because it would surely rip my heart apart into pieces.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.
Ten. He turned around at malamig akong tinignan, the tears in his eyes dried up at wala na ngang kahit kaunting pagmamahal sa akin ang mga tingin ni Roux.
"Hindi na kita mahal, Nardan."
______________
I put my phone on silence once I saw Yohan and Ruth called alternately. Ayoko muna makipag-usap sa kanila ngayon, alam ko namang naaawa lang sila sa akin dahil sa nangyari noong isang araw.
I had another bad panic attack that night at tumakbo lang ako ng tumakbo papalayo sa kanila. Nahihiya na akong magpakita kay Ruth, Yohan, Harold, at Vince dahil sa mga sinabi ni Roux sa akin. I also instructed my condominium's front desk not to let anyone go up to my unit.
"Our driver will pick you up soon, ihahatid ka sa airport. Someone will pick you up sa airport dito sa Chicago and will take you straight to the stylist," kuya Aidan informed me on the other line as I waited for the elevator to bring me to the lobby.
"Opo," tipid kong sagot rito.
"And Nardan..." kuya heaved a sigh. I hummed as a response.
"Dad will be there and his existence may annoy you or may not annoy you, but please, act like everything's okay between you two," mahinahong habilin nito sa akin.
I swallowed the lump in my throat at tumango kahit hindi naman niya ako nakikita. "Yes, kuya," sagot ko agad rito.
"Thank you," he sounded relieved. "Tsaka wag mo na isipin si Ro-"
I immediately cut him off. "Please, let's not talk about him and don't mention his name anymore," my voice shook.
"Right. Sorry," agad nitong sagot sa akin. "Have a safe flight, dandan," malambing nitong sabi. Hindi na ako sumagot pa at pinatay nalamang ang tawag.
I roamed my eyes around our private plane once the door closed. Ako lang ang mag-isang sakay nito maliban sa dalawang flight attendants and pilots. Then I realized, this was the life that Roux meant, ang buhay na dahilan ng pag iwan niya sa akin. Tama naman talaga siya, ang hirap kong abutin. I live in a million dollar condominium, I'm now in our family's private jet, I've never worked a day in my life, and I have money that I could easily spend. And now, I don't want this life anymore. I would live with Roux in his mobile home, I could care less if the mattress is tough and it would hurt my back. I would work 9-5. I would commute or buy used cars. I am willing to leave everything behind if it means I'd be with him. Pero ayaw niya na sa akin, hindi niya na ako mahal.
I stared at myself in the full length mirror. The make up artist really worked her magic on me dahil mukha akong natulog ng walong oras at hindi umiyak magdamag. I wore a red off the shoulder ball gown dress, my black long hair sleeked back and straightened, and I wore a pair of tear drop diamond earrings.
"You look so beautiful, anak," nakangiting sabi agad ni dad sa akin nang makalabas ako ng hotel room ko.
I sweetly smiled at him. "Thank you, po," I answered before I clung my arm on his arm.
"Kumusta ka na?" he asked habang naglalakad kami papunta sa venue ng Christmas Gala.
I inhaled before I clenched my jaw to stop myself from breaking down again. Naiiyak kasi ako pag tinatanong ako kung kumusta na ako. Gustong gusto kong ilabas lahat ng hinanakit ko sa mundo pero hindi ko magawa, I couldn't find the right person to talk to.
"I'm good," I lied.
I saw in my peripheral vision that he looked at me then he looked away. "Hindi ka pa ba talaga uuwi sa atin? I moved into a new house, may kwarto ka doon. But if you want to live in a penthouse, may mga penthouse naman tayo," malumanay nitong sabi sa akin.
Hindi mo na ako makikita pa ulit, that's what I promised Rouqil so maybe, maybe it's time to finally go back to the Philippines.
"Pag-iisipan ko po," I answered. Hindi makapaniwala akong tinignan ni dad dahil sa sagot ko, pilit nalamang akong ngumiti sa kanya. I pressed my lips to keep myself from tearing up nang bigla ako nitong yakapin at halikan sa ulo.
Dad and kuya Aidan paraded me around, introducing me to each and every one of their business partners and friends. They were all ecstatic to finally see me in a business event. Simula kasi noong bata pa ako, ayoko talagang nagpupunta sa mga events ng imperyo or events ng mga ka business nila dad and kuyas. I hate pretending, I hate acting like we are a happy family.
I heaved a sad sigh nang makalayo ako sa mga tao. I stood in the corner, holding my cocktail as I watched everyone talk to each other. Paubos na ang social battery ko at ang sakit na ng panga ko kakangiti.
"It's exhausting huh?"
Nagulat ako nang may sumulpot bigla sa tabi ko. Napatingala ako sa lalaking biglang tumabi sa akin. He looked familiar. He's tall, has a jet black hair, mestizo, at chinito. He looked so good in his tailored suit.
He softly chuckled. "It can be really exhausting to talk to people so I totally get why you're here alone," he said bago nito inumin ang whiskey niya.
I softly laughed and nodded. "Yeah, but I'm happy to meet everyone," I lied to him. Gustong gusto ko na umuwi.
"Everyone?" he raised his brow. "We haven't even met yet," nakangiti nitong sabi. Mas lalo pang nawala sumingkit ang mata nito nang ngumiti siya and for a brief second, he looked like Roux.
"Oh my bad," I chuckled. Binaba ko ang cocktail ko sa mesa and offered my hand. "Hi, I'm Nardan Baez," I sweetly smiled at him.
Napangiti naman agad siya sa akin. "I know you, Nardan. Everyone in here knows you. But I'm Knox," he shook my hand. "Knox Qil."
Hinay hinay ko na kinuha ang kamay ko nang muntik na akong malagutan ng hininga. Qil. Kahit ba talaga dito, something reminds me of him?
"Nice meeting you," pilit akong ngumiti sa kanya at agad nag-iwas ng tingin. I pretended to look at the crowd and sipped my drink.
"Nice to finally meet you, too. And just in case you didn't know, I own the Wu Construction while my dad owns the Chiu Hotels," he suddenly said. Agad akong napatingin sa kanya ulit. Wu Construction? It sounds familiar.
At bigla ko nalamang naalala three years ago, on the first time that kuya Aidan and ate Aeone met Roux, Ruth, and Yohan. Nang ipakilala ko si Roux sa kanya ay nagtanong si ate Aeone kung kakilala niya si Knox Qil because they have the same last name. But Roux said he's not related to them at all. So this man in front of me, a man that has resemblance with Roux, is Knox Qil.
"Oh, that's nice," pilit kong siniglahan ang boses ko. "Sorry I haven't heard of Wu Construction before but I've heard a lot of good things about Chiu Hotels," I sweetly smiled at him.
He chuckled before he smirked. "The good thing where we beat your empire?" he arrogantly replied.
Nawala agad ang ngiti sa labi ko. I swallowed the lump in my throat, "there was no beating at all, our empire's not even affected by it."
"Really?" he slyly smiled at me. Tila nasisiyahan pa ito sa sagot ko. "Because from what we've heard, it will take ten years for your empire to earn what you've lost," nakangisi nitong sabi sa akin, halatang nanunukso pa ang ngiti nito.
I clenched my fist and gritted my teeth. "How about you worry about your company, Mr. Qil, because from what I've also heard, you have a lot of traitors in your company who are willing to switch up on you," mariin kong sabi rito.
He was amused by my answer, he didn't look offended at all which bothered and pissed me off. "And you guys don't?" he mockingly scoffed.
Napakunot ang noo ko sa sagot nito. What does he mean by that? Tama ba si kuya Aidan na trinaydor siya ng isa sa anim niyang colleagues na may alam sa plano nilang itake over ang hotels ng Chiu Hotels dito sa Chicago?
"No, we don't," pagmamatigas ko, ending the conversation. I placed my glass on the table and sweetly smiled at him. "You have a great rest of your night, Mr. Qil," nawala agad ang ngiti ko nang tumalikod ako.
"Oh and Nardan," he suddenly called me.
Bumuntong hininga ako bago ko siya harapin. He was mischievously grinning at me when I faced him. "Tell my brother I said hi, I hope he's happy that his loan, his car, and his dumb mobile home are finally paid for."
My world stopped spinning. "Brother?"
"Yeah," he nonchalantly said. "Si RJ or Rouqil?"
My heart shattered on the ground. "What?" naguguluhan kong tanong sa kanya. "What do you mean brother?" I asked again.
But Roux said that he's not related to them at all. His mom works at some Chinese restaurant in Illinois while his dad is a mechanic. Does that mean Roux's dad is the owner of Chiu Hotels?
"Yes," he chuckled. "RJ is my baby brother. Sobrang nagpapasalamat nga kami sa kanya because if it wasn't for him..." he smirked as he walked towards me. He leaned his head towards my face and to my ear. "We'd lose Chiu Hotels here in Chicago."
Mabilis na tumaas baba ang dibdib ko as I walked inside Mabuhay. Nanginginig ang buong katawan ko sa galit nang makita ko si Rouqil. He's talking to Ruth, Yohan, and Vince who were sitting on the bar. Lakad takbo agad akong lumapit sa kanila.
"What are you doing here? Diba sabi mo hindi ka na magpapakita sa akin?" malamig na tanong agad ni Rouqil nang makita ako. His head immediately flew nang malakas ko siyang sampalin. I heard everyone gasped.
"Dany," Ruth said nang makita ako.
"Don't fucking touch me, Ruth," mariin kong sagot sa kanya. Agad kong binalingan ng tingin si Rouqil, matalim ko siyang tinignan. "You fucking imposter!" dinuro ko ito. "You fucking traitor!" I slapped him again and he just stood there, tinanggap niya lang ang sampal ko habang ang pula pula na ng pisngi niya and he deserves every bit of it. "Ikaw pala ang dahilan kung bakit nalaman ng Chiu Hotels ang plano ni kuya Aidan. We fucking trusted you, you motherfucker!" nanginginig kong sabi rito.
I couldn't feel pain anymore, mas nangingibabaw na ang galit na nararamdaman ko. "Ginamit mo lang ako," my voice broke at unti unting nagsituluan ang mga luha ko.
"Ji... Jillian, no, I didn't," his voice trembled.
"You fucking liar!" bulyaw ko rito at dumampi na naman ang palad ko sa pisngi niya. "I trusted you, Rouqil. My kuya trusted you," I completely broke down.
"No... I'm sorry," nagsituluan din ang mga luha niya. Why the fuck is he crying? Anong karapatan niyang umiyak matapos ng ginawa niya sa akin? sa amin?
"Fuck you!" sigaw ko rito at marahas na pinunasan ang mga luha ko. "I hope it was worth it. I hope it was worth it acting like you're financially struggling kahit naman may ari kayo ng isa sa pinakamalagong hotels dito sa America. Masaya ba na bayad na ng kuya mong si Knox ang lahat ng utang mo?" I bitterly laughed. Fucking hypocrite. Napayuko lang siya sa sinabi ko.
I shifted my attention to Ruth, Yohan, and Vincent. "Do you guys know about it?" naiiyak kong tanong sa kanila before I clenched my jaw.
"No," agad na umiling sila. Malungkot nila akong tinignan.
I bitterly laughed again and disappointedly shook my head. "I'm not even sure if I could trust you guys." Bumakas agad sa mukha ni Ruth na nasaktan siya sa sinabi ko.
"Jillian, I'm sorry," biglang lumapit sa akin si Rouqil. His head flew again nang sampalin ko na naman siya.
"Don't fucking dare!" I sternly said. My hand was shaking nang duruin ko siya. "Don't you fucking dare say sorry when I know that you're not, you fucking traitor. Putangina, minahal kita but you just fucking used me."
I took a step back and wiped away my tears again. I looked at Rouqil with so much pain and disappointment. I shouldn't have fallen in love. None of this would've happen if I guarded my heart.
"Sana hindi nalang kita nakilala, Roux. Pinagsisisihan kong nakilala kita."