A/N - another one π«‘
TW - this chapter contains mentions of suicide and attempted suicide
~~~
"So you're gonna move away and leave us?", I chuckled into my coffee, slinging an arm over the back of the sofa and watching Xavier stare at Chase in disbelief, "you won't live here?".
"It won't be forever Xav", Chase rolled his eyes, wrapping an around Aurora, "it's just college".
"Just college", she mused, "where's the pride in yourself?". His cheeks flushed and I smirked, at least his girlfriend and I were on the same page.
"I've been telling him the same thing", I sipped my drink, "if you want to go to college next year, what's stopping you?".
"Did you see me at the start of high school?", he deadpanned, "I don't particularly wanna go through that again".
"You wouldn't", Aurora leaned against him, "you've gotten so much more confident since then".
And that was mainly down to her.
"And you won't be there", he grumbled, removing his glasses, "what am I supposed to do?".
"Way to make us feel special", Alexander grumbled from behind us all in the kitchen, he'd been baking a cake for the past twenty minutes and was in his element while working silently. Apparently he was still listening in on the conversation though.
"You know I'd miss all of you", Chase turned so he was looking at our brother, "even though I'll get peace and quiet". Alexander's lips twitched into a smile while he mixed his cake batter, I was just happy to see him smiling after last week's...events at dinner time.
"You'd get sick of the quiet within a week", the fourteen year old teased, peering over his shoulder as Caleb entered the room, "you look like shit".
"Yeah well, Zane snores", he narrowed his eyes in my direction and I surrendered with one hand, the other still gripping the handle of my mug, "and you hog the duvet".
"Why don't you sleep in your bed again Cub?", I knew Xavier meant well by asking that, but I noticed the way Caleb's back stiffened as he peered into the fridge.
"Not yet, Xav", luckily our brother dropped it, "who drank all the orange juice?". All eyes landed on me and I rolled my eyes.
"Blame the diabetic, I'm flattered", I scoffed, sipping my drink again and watching Alexander swat Caleb with a tea towel.
"You're in my space", he told him, our brother surrendered and joined us in the attached living room.
"You're in my space", he mimicked him in a higher pitch, Xavier laughed until his twin glared at him, he shut up quickly after that, "what are we talking about?".
"How Chase wants to ditch us all and go to college next year", Xavier got him caught up and I watched Caleb stiffen again, blue eyes focusing on our seventeen year old brother.
"College huh?", he smirked, "well if anyone's gonna do it, it's gonna be Chase". He smiled a smile that didn't quite meet his eyes, I just put it down to the reality of his favourite brother moving away hitting him.
"The nerd of the family", Alexander chuckled from the kitchen, Chase rolled his eyes and leaned back against Aurora, he'd been the subject of our teasing for years now but it came from a good place. None of us could be prouder of him.
"It's not even definite", he slid his glasses back on and cleared his throat, "just thinking about it".
"Thinking about it my ass", Caleb snorted, "you're going and we all know it".
"I don't wanna go to college", Xavier shivered, "I just wanna be on the ice".
"Pretty sure you need college for that", Caleb hummed and our brother groaned, "you won't catch me there anytime soon, high school's basically college for me".
"You sure middle school wasn't too?", Alexander teased, earning himself a middle finger in reply, "why do you have to be allergic to peanuts?".
"The most random thing you could've asked me", Caleb scrunched his face up, as did I, "why?".
"There's this peanut butter and chocolate brownie I wanna make, but you'll die", he grumbled.
"And wouldn't that be a tragedy?", his sarcasm didn't fall upon deaf ears, in fact the room fell silent and everyone looked at him instantly, "sorry- that was meant to be a joke". One would argue it wasn't exactly funny.
"Hilarious", Alexander nodded, rolling his eyes, "you're quiet Xav".
"Huh? Oh, I'm just thinking about school earlier", he muttered, "I had a fight today". I choked on my coffee, I heard a spoon clatter in the kitchen, Caleb barked out a laugh while Chase and Aurora sat up properly.
"You had what?", Alexander was behind him in an instant, "with who? Where? When? Did you win?".
"Some guy, in the hallway, afternoon, course I won", he answered every question and pulled his slightly swollen hands from his hoodie pocket, "worth it".
"Did you lose your fight virginity?", Caleb pressed a hand to his chest and gasped, "we've got another Xan on our hands". Alexander rolled his eyes and stared at Xavier from behind, eyebrows furrowing.
"What happened?", he asked- and why hadn't I been informed of this until now?
"This guy was making fun of Jake, calling him shit, throwing stuff at him", he shrugged, "like I said, worth it".
That's my boy.
"Why were they making fun of your friend?", Aurora asked, I watched a small smile tug at my brother's lips.
"He has vitiligo, and it's fucking amazing", he leaned back into the sofa, "the piece of shit deserved it".
"I wanna fight someone", Alexander muttered, sounding left out, I just turned to look at him, "what? Sue me".
They were crazy.
"Hurry up with that cake, we have a reason to celebrate now", Caleb clapped his hands and Alexander moved back into the kitchen, "I can't believe-,". The door knocked and my eyebrows furrowed, my eighteen year old brother was up before I could even blink though, rushing to answer it instantly.
My brother trailed back into the room with a pissed off looking Theo in tow, jaw clenched and hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans- what was happening now?
"We're gonna go upstairs a minute", Caleb announced and I nodded, the pair of them vanishing as I turned to Chase who was frowning too.
"I hope it's not bad news", Xavier muttered and I hummed, wrapping an arm around his shoulders- him and I both.
~
The cake was in the oven, The Nightmare Before Christmas was playing on the tv- in April, might I add, and I had another coffee in my hands. It didn't get much better than this.
"Zane, you kinda look like Jack Skellington", Xavier admitted, crunching on some popcorn while Chase, Aurora and Alexander laughed at me, "no offence".
"None taken, I think", I muttered, frowning at the character on the tv.
"I think he's pretty cool, if that counts for anything", he smiled and I huffed out a laugh, he was something else, "and I like-,". He was cut off by the abrupt arrival of Caleb and Theo in the room, the former looking even more pissed off than his best friend had looked about fifteen minutes ago.
"What the fuck is wrong with people Zane?", I stood up after placing my coffee on the table and approached the two of them, watching my brother rub a hand down his face, "am I taking too long to grieve or something?".
"Not at all", I frowned, "you're taking every day at a time, at your own pace-,".
"So why is Aug's mum pregnant?", he snapped and I paused, the silence in the air excruciating, "her only fucking kid killed himself and she's replacing him within two years?". His eyes held unshed tears and I stole a glance at Theo who was pinching the bridge of his nose, turning my attention back to Caleb for a moment.
"Can I ask how you found this out?", I asked hesitantly, not even knowing what to say to make him feel better in this situation- what did you say to that?
"Her Facebook, and get this- the kid isn't even Jax's", he raked a hand through his hair and stopped to tug on it, "who the fuck does that Zane? It's like they've erased him from their lives".
"They lost their son, Caleb, I think it's impossible for them to erase him", I shook my head, he shook his too and rubbed his eyes harshly when the tears fell.
"So why does it feel like I'm the only one who's hurting like this?", he tapped his temple repeatedly, "I'm the one who can't bear the thought of going to the cemetery, I'm the one who can't think about what happened to him without feeling sick- I'm the one who tried to fucking join him a month ago!". He was fully screaming now, and it wasn't until Chase and Aurora ushered the twins out of the room that I remembered they were there in the first place.
"I know you are", I uttered quietly, stepping towards him slightly, "I know exactly how you feel".
"No you don't!", he stepped away from me, towards Theo, "you don't have a clue, Zane- you've never lost anyone close to you!". Images of Cairo flashed through my mind and I winced, trying to rid myself of those thoughts at this moment.
"Caleb-,", I tried to step forward but he was having none of it, so much so that he swung a fist and let it collide with my nose the second Chase re-entered the room.
"Cub!", he rushed to my aid as the warm sensation travelled out of my nose and over my lips- he had a good hit, I'd give him that, "are you okay?".
Caleb stared at his hand in disbelief, his gaze flickering between that and my nose in a daze like state, only snapping out of it when Theo placed a hand on his shoulder. Chase retrieved some tissues, holding them under my nose while I focused on our brother, I couldn't give a shit about the injury.
"I'm sorry", he whispered, "Zane, I didn't-,".
"It's fine, I'm fine", and I was, I'd been through worse at the hands of him, "Caleb-,".
"I need to get out of here", he mumbled, turning on his heel and rushing towards the front door, Theo's eyes widened and he went to follow before turning around.
"I've got- I've got him", he smiled weakly and I nodded twice, holding the tissue under my nose and groaning- every day felt like a day from hell recently.
~
"He got you good", Marco gripped my chin forcefully, turning my head to each side with a smirk, "I would've kicked Milo's ass if he laid a hand on me".
"And that's why we're so alike, yet so different", I scoffed, "and no you wouldn't, you'd be proud if they dared hit you".
"Depending on my mood", he hummed, turning my head from side to side again, "it's not broken".
"I know", I nodded, that didn't mean it wasn't still throbbing, "he had to get it out of his system".
And I'd rather him hurt me than himself.
"Dare I ask what happened?", he raised an eyebrow, getting up and moving towards his freezer, tossing me a bag of frozen vegetables, I couldn't help but chuckle as I placed it on my burning nose.
"He found out August's mother is pregnant, and that his parents have separated", I revealed and he hummed, fiddling with his cuffs before sitting beside me again at the table, "he thinks it's taking him too long to grieve".
"Well you and I both know that's not the case", he rubbed a hand across the stubble on his jaw, the silver watch around his wrist glistening in the light, "grief lasts forever". Me with Cairo, him with his mother.
"But it becomes easier to live with", I added, his gaze burning into the table as he hummed, hand still running along his jaw; it was as if he physically detached from reality whenever his mother was the topic of conversation.
"Peppermint tea?", or he deflected, pretending nothing had ever happened.
"My favourite", I said dryly, earning myself a smirk from him, "where are the twins?".
"Your guess is as good as mine", he half-laughed, half-scoffed, "they're like animals without a leash- well, Elijah especially". He had a soft spot for Ezekiel, probably because he was just like him.
"Chase wants to go to college", I recalled the conversation from last week and Marco smirked, nodding to himself slowly.
"If anyone's gonna do it, it's him", he mused, "one of us has to do something normal". He was only saying that because his..career was anything but. Not that he would rather be doing anything different.
~
I returned home after half a peppermint tea, and thanks to the frozen vegetables provided by my cousin, the swelling on my nose had gone down drastically.
"It looks purple", Xavier eyed my face with a wince, "Cub's brave for hitting you".
"Or he has a death wish", Alexander snorted, I decided to keep quiet on the fact that he had, in fact, bruised my chest last week.
"Caleb was upset, hm?", I reminded the two of them, "he wasn't thinking straight". They both nodded, Alexander's a little more understanding than Xavier's, before they focused back on the tv instead of my injury.
I perked up about five minutes later when I heard the front door open and close, seeing as everyone else was home it could only be one person. It was nearly ten o'clock at night now, and while I'd been overwhelmed with worrying about Caleb, I knew he was okay with Theo and that he'd return on his own accord.
Keys clattered onto the counter and I turned around, as did the twins, Caleb was hovering there with a hood up, hands quickly pocketed, shifting from one foot to the other.
"Hey", he said quietly, I didn't miss the way the twins eyed me carefully before greeting our brother, as if they needed silent permission to do so.
"Hi Cub", they replied simultaneously, facing the tv again afterwards.
"Can I talk to you?", he directed his question to me and I hummed, rising from the sofa and cocking my head, leading him down the hallway towards my office. Once I'd turned on the light and faced him he winced, probably taking in the damage of my bruised nose.
"It looks worse than it is", I told him, stumbling back when he tackled me into a hug, "I'm fine".
"I'm so sorry", he clung onto me like his life depended on it, "I'm so sorry Zane".
"I'd rather you take it out on me any day", I replied honestly, "you were upset, I understand".
"Why are you being so nice?", he muttered, "I punched you".
"Would you prefer it if I punch you back?", he raised an eyebrow and he stayed silent for a moment.
"I deserve it", he mumbled to which I shook my head.
"No you don't", I sighed, "I wouldn't have expected you to clap and cheer at the news you found out today".
"Everything's a mess Zane", he groaned into my shoulder and I squeezed him tighter, "I want to tell you something".
"Anything, you know that", I hummed, holding onto his shoulders when he pulled us apart and watched me for a moment, then glanced away with teary eyes, "what is it, hm?".
"I want to sleep in my bed", he revealed, my heart clenching in pride at his confession, "I want to see if I can". His voice cracked and I nodded, bringing him back into my embrace as a small sob escaped him, I couldn't be prouder of him in this moment right now.
"I'll be there every step of the way", I promised, kissing the top of his head, "are you ready to go up now?". He nodded against me and I hummed, beginning to lead the way out of my office- this was the biggest step he'd taken yet and I had nothing but faith that he'd be okay.
~
We ascended the stairs before hovering outside of Caleb's closed door, he just stared at it for a moment and tapped his fingers together at his sides.
"What's- oh", Chase came out of his room with his eyebrows pulled into a frown, a frown that soon disappeared when he saw Caleb, "you okay?". Caleb just nodded, staring at the door while I turned to the seventeen year old.
"Caleb's gonna try and sleep in here tonight", the smile that spread across Chase's face was one of the widest I'd ever seen, he stepped out of his room and hugged our brother tightly, a small chuckle coming from him.
"Even if you can't do it yet, we're all proud of you", he pulled apart, cupping a hand behind the eighteen year old's head, "I'm proud of you".
He gave Caleb's shoulder one last squeeze, nodded at me, then returned to his bedroom silently. I watched Caleb open his bedroom door and step inside, I followed close behind as he hovered by his bed, looking around slowly.
"It feels different", he commented, pulling down his hood and smirking, "I haven't touched those paints in ages". He lowered himself onto his bed and sighed, it was as if I was watching him find himself all over again as he took the room in; I stepped forwards and squeezed his shoulder, silently letting him know I was there.
"Nothing's changed in here", I informed him, his eyes meeting mine, "maybe except for the person inside of the room".
"Why'd you make that sound like a good thing?", he asked and I sat down beside him, looking at him for a moment.
"Change can be a bad and good thing", I shrugged, "I'm so proud of you Caleb, especially right now". He didn't say anything, just rested his head on my shoulder and exhaled slowly; he didn't need to say a word for me to know he was thanking me for being there.
~
It wasn't until half an hour had passed and Caleb's soft snores were filling his bedroom as he curled up in my embrace that I finally let the tears fall, counting every blessing that he was still here today, and that I'd have the privilege of watching him heal and grow in front of my eyes.
All of them, in fact, and I wouldn't say there was a gift greater than that.
END OF PART THREE
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A/N - sobbing tbh
10 chapters left in this book...π