TW: Eating disorder, bulimia, vomiting, self-hatred, crying, hitting one's self, cussing, and bingeing/purging. Enjoy. :D
Tuesday: 1:29 A.M.
Thomas stirred from his sleep, disturbed by the sound of retching. He briefly thought it was his friend, John, who was prone to bouts of nausea. But as he turned to his side, he noticed that James, his other half, was not beside him.
A sense of cold gripped him, as he realized James was not in bed with him. He looked around the room, and his gaze settled on the bathroom door, which was slightly ajar, and the light was on. He got up from bed, feeling a bit groggy and disoriented.
As he made his way to the bathroom, he brushed his shoulder against the wall a few times. He knocked on the door, and then slowly pushed it open. James was on his knees, hunched over the toilet bowl, retching and coughing. Thomas walked over to him and knelt beside him on the cold, white floor.
He rubbed James's back, tracing the shape of a heart a few times, trying to soothe him. "Hey Jammy, how are you?" he asked in a gentle voice.
"I don't know, Tommy. I feel sick and lightheaded," James replied weakly.
"Do you want me to get medicine?" Thomas offered, already starting to stand up.
James grabbed Thomas's arm before he could leave. "Please don't. I'm fine. Just give me a minute," he pleaded softly.
"I'll go back to bed then, okay baby?" Thomas cooed, leaning in to kiss James's forehead tenderly.
"Mhm," James murmured, feeling a pang of guilt in his chest. As Thomas left the bathroom and closed the door behind him,
James let out a sigh and wiped his mouth with a tissue. He wasn't sick. He was struggling with bulimia, and it had tormented him for years. He hated himself for it, but he couldn't help it. He looked at his knuckles, which were callused and rough from the frequent purging.
He hadn't binged in a long time and was getting better at controlling his urges. He knew he could talk to Thomas about it, and that Thomas would help him. But Thomas had his problems to deal with, especially with his and his mother's relationship declining. James didn't want to burden him with his issues. He flushed the toilet again, and washed his hands, trying to clear his mind. He crawled back into bed with Jefferson as he felt his arms wrapped around his waist.
James woke back up in his bed rolled over and looked at his alarm clock, 6:34 A: M, where was Thomas? James walked out of his room the emptiness in his stomach killing him, he grabbed the remote and put on a show.
The lights of the TV were bright and they were starting to strain James's eyes. As James sat there, his stomach growled in hunger, James looked at the kitchen, and his mouth watered. "You're not hungry," James scolded himself rather loudly.
James walked over to the kitchen and started eating food, snacks, cereal, and other shit he could get his hands on. He started crying when he was on his third bowl of cereal, he cried more when he finished his 2 bags of popcorn. He grabbed two bags of party-sized chip bags finishing both of them.
James went to the bathroom got on his knees in front of the toilet and shoved two fingers down his throat as much as possible, throwing up. The taste of bitterness, and metallic on his tongue was killing him, he shoved his fingers down his throat again. He started gagging until more puke came out of his mouth.
James flushed to the toilet and washed his mouth again before seeing himself in a mirror, "You so stupid, why can't you be normal? I hate you so much your so stupid, ugly, and fat, why does anybody like you? You're annoying and everyone hates you," James said looking at himself in the mirror, pointing out everything he hated about himself.
James walked clean to the kitchen wiping down the contents and cleaning the bowls of cereal that he ate, the spoons, and the popcorn bowl. The bag of chips, pop-tarts, and goldfish, were all thrown into the trash can. Tears escaped James's eyes again, as he swept the floor for the last time.
James left the dorm and rushed down the hallway, his heart beating against his chest, and his breath quickened. Nobody noticed, of course, nobody noticed, nobody cared for James he was just known as Jefferson's boyfriend, and of course, there was nothing wrong with that. But it wouldn't hurt if people would call him by his name instead of 'Jefferson's shadow'.
James made it to his car, buckling his seatbelt, and driving to a store. "Why am I so disgusting, I screw everything up," cried James, as the light turned red, James looked down on his lap to look at his thighs, crying harder, when he looked at how strange his thighs were when he sat on the seat.
James went to the store, and grabbed the food, when he drove home he saw a Hungry Howies nearby. It would just be one box of pizza, plus he deserved it, he should get to eat right? He should be able to treat himself, even though ate, right?
James got two boxes one was just cheese pizza, with butter crust and the other was the '3 Cheeser Pepperoni Pleaser' It was a weird name. James isn't going to lie, but the way it tasted the parmesan, and cheddar covered the pepperoni gracefully, and the way the ingredients mixed was enough to make James's mouth water.
As James made it to a red light he looked over at the pizza boxes in the passenger seat, the aroma of the pizza boxes traveled throughout the car. James shakily grabbed the cheese pizza and ate all of the cheese pizza, the way the pizza tasted was amazingly well done. But James couldn't shake the guilt off of himself when he ate the last slice, "I said I would only get one," James sobbed softly again.
James was finally at his dorm room, placing everything where it was before, "I hate everything about me, why can't I just be normal," James cried, walking into his room. Nobody was there still the room was empty. "Tommy, where are you, I'm sorry for lying to you earlier, but please, I just need you," James asked, walking into the kitchen to grab a slice of pizza from the second box of pizza.
James sat on his and Thomas's bed eating the slice of pizza, crying when he went to get another one. When James finished his second slice, he just took the pizza box into the room with him. He cried again when he grabbed his sixth slice of pizza, "This is why everyone hates you,"
James reached out to grab another slice when he realized that there weren't any more slices, "Did I just eat six slices of pizza in a sitting, why don't I have any self-control, those are x-large boxes of pizza and I just, ate them? Like it's nothing?" James threw the pizza boxes away and went into the bathroom again.
James shut the room door and knelt on the bathroom floor again his two fingers were shoved into his throat again. When a pang of realization hit him, Jefferson was at the gardening club with John, they weren't going to be there for another hour or two. How could James forget? Why was he so self-centered?
"This is why nobody likes you, why would anybody like a fat, ugly, annoying person like, you? You are so worthless and ugly" James repeated, shoving his fingers down his throat again, "You dumb, lazy, you can't do anything but cry, everybody hates you," James said wiping his mouth, hitting his head again.
"Why can't you do one thing right?" James asked standing up slowly, flushing the toilet, and washing his hands, and face off. When he got to his bedroom he felt lightheaded, the emptiness in his stomach returning, the growling of his stomach felt like torture. He felt sick he felt like he was about to pass out-
James fell to his knees and coughed loudly, black spots clouding his vision, he felt a loud ringing in his ear as he coughed more. James's breathing patterns picked up, he grabbed his shirt trying to get more air into his lungs, and he cried more, was he having a panic attack? James heard the faint echo of something, or someone yelling "James? JAMES!?!"
As James woke up on his bed with Thomas looking at him, "Jammy, you awake, what's with it and everyone passing out on me, are you okay? Are you hurt, do you want medicine?" James asked softly, cupping James's face and planting kisses all over James's face.
"I'm fine, I just got lightheaded okay Tommy?" James said smiling as he hugged Thomas softly, feeling a wave of guilt wash over him. "Just go to class, tell them I'm sick again, and I'll join you tomorrow okay Tommy?" promised James, kissing Thomas softly.
Do not do what James did, it's bad for your health mental AND physical, and I will not hesitate to hunt you down with a pitchfork. On a more positive note, my friend ThatEnzoGuy made a new book called, •{{hate-love}}•{{lams-fanfic}}• you should check it out, it's so good :D.
I had to add James angst because I'm pretty sure that you, Court_joker killed off my favorite character and is teasing me with Alex and John almost kissing. So you know, had to show who holds the true crown of angst/evilness.