The sound of my blood rushing in my ears was so intense I couldn't hear anything except for Kuroo's voice reverberating in my head over and over again.
Only marginally did I notice him walking past me in Arisa's direction.
"It's not yours."
I should feel relieved. That would be the most logical reaction to the fact that a child I didn't know about was not mine. So why the hell didn't I feel any relief?
Why the hell did it feel like my throat was being choked off with every step Kuroo took towards Arisa?
My eyes fell on the baby in her arms. It was still lying with its head on Arisa's shoulder, rubbing its eyes. Atsumu was saying something while waving his hands around, Bokuto was trying to beckon her towards him and Hinata was making faces. All their efforts failed to impress the child.
But as soon as Kuroo came into its field of vision, the baby lifted its head with a smile. The black-haired man made the same gesture as Bokuto, with the difference that the little girl immediately jumped into his arms.
No.
"Slow down!" I heard Arisa say, but despite her reprimanding undertone, she smiled at the sight that presented itself to her.
No. God, no.
Kuroo hold the baby up, bringing the little belly to his mouth to blow against it. A cheerful laugh escaped her, so loud her pacifier fell out of her mouth. He tickled her, kissed her, and threw her up into the air a few times, which made her laugh even more, before Arisa said something that made him stop. Kuroo still held the baby in his arms, who smiled and slapped him on the face with both hands, whereupon Arisa smilingly took the baby's hands in her own, gently saying something, whereupon she snuggled back into Arisa's arms. Kuroo next to her, gently stroked the baby's tangled strands out of her face before deciding to retie her little braid.
Fuck.
Fuck my heart hurts.
Calm down.
Calm down.
I tried to calm my breathing, but it was hard. Why the fuck was it so stuffy in here?
I thought I needed to talk to Arisa before, but now? Fuck I was in need to talk to someone, anyone. Someone who could assure me that this was not her child.
But that idea turned out to be more difficult than expected. With the new star in the group, it was nearly impossible to start a conversation with anyone and whereas time had passed in slow motion before that child came into vision, it felt like someone had hit double speed after. I only noticed in passing how the table was eventually cleared off for dessert. It was not until Arisa brought the baby, which had fallen asleep in her arms, upstairs that I felt like I could finally breathe again. Think again. And realize that I spent the past hour sitting there in a daze.
"I hate to kick you out," Arisa rested her forearms on the back of the chair as she spoke to us standing up. "But it's already late and our bride and groom-to-be have a special day tomorrow."
Smiling, she looked at her aunt who gave Meian a kiss on the cheek.
"Hey! Not in front of everyone," our captain hissed to his fiancée with red cheeks.
"Why not?" Grinning, she snuggled up to him, which made him blush even more. "Tomorrow we'll be kissing in front of everyone after all~"
"That's different."
"Is it~?"
Thank God Arisa cleared her throat, which made Sonoko let go of Meian. I would never have thought it possible that our usually so discreet captain had picked up a woman who enjoys PDA. I'm not saying he knew what he was getting himself into, but... he knew what he was getting himself into.
"So, how do we do it with the room allocation? Who sleeps where? Have you thought of anything yet?" Arisa asked. Since enough of us were originally from Tokyo, we had agreed not to have anyone book a hotel as we would somehow accommodate the team members in our family homes.
Atsumu immediately put his arm up energetically. "I'm staying here!"
I opened my mouth to protest. God damn it, Miya!
I wanted him to sleep at mine so I could ask him about that kid. If anyone knew what was going on in Arisa's life, it was Atsumu. However, I couldn't say that openly, so I reluctantly closed my mouth, throwing him death stares that he didn't appear to notice.
Arisa returned his comment with a smile. "That's alright. I'm afraid I can't take any more, since we'll need all the space down here tomorrow for Sonoko's preparations."
"I'll take the groom with me." Kuroo winked at Meian, who clapped him on the shoulder and hugged him from the side.
"Thanks man!"
"Nothing to thank me for. I'm amazed you two decided to sleep separately tonight."
"Traditions are traditions," Sonoko replied, her cheeks reddening slightly.
I probably would have been surprised that even a witch like her occasionally could feel any kind of embarrassment if it weren't for the fact that Meian would be sleeping at Kuroo's place.
Which means - he's not sleeping here? A small glimmer of hope flickered in my chest. If he was in a relationship with Arisa, and especially if the child was his, wouldn't he be sleeping at her place?
"I'm staying at Kuroo's too!"
"No Bokuto, you'll be staying at your own place and it's best if you take someone else with you."
The gray-haired one dropped his head with a groan. He must have forgotten that he was also from Tokyo and therefore likewise had to play host.
"In that case, I'll sleep at Bokuto's!" Hinata shouted, whereupon Bokuto's head shot up with sparkling eyes again.
Fuck my luck. Hinata would have been the next person I would have asked about this godforsaken situation, which was becoming more stressful for me by the minute.
"Count me in too," Tomas joined in with a smile.
I felt Inunaki's gaze from the side. "Then I'll stay at yours, if that's all right?"
I agreed with a nod, not trusting my voice.
Arisa smiled as she clapped her hands together. "Perfect, everyone's taken care of!"
Despite my inner anxiety, my heart leapt at her gesture. Had she done the same thing back in the conference room when everything had gone so smoothly? I can't even recall. I had never paid much attention to her manners at conferences. I had taken her presence for granted, never thinking that maybe one day she wouldn't be there anymore. Arisa was a freaking ray of sunshine on two legs, and we'd all taken her for granted. Now we have an asshole manager who can't wait to go home after our meetings.
*
Before heading home, we helped clearing the table and I decided that the bustle was my best and possibly only chance to take Arisa aside and talk to her without anyone else noticing. I couldn't go home unknowing; it would kill me. There were several hundred people at the wedding tomorrow, so I would have even less chance to talk to her then. Now was my only chance.
I watched Arisa walk to the kitchen with a few plates in her hands. My teammates were busy talking about the details of tomorrow with Meian, so they paid little attention when I grabbed the next best thing on the table to head towards the kitchen.
My heart was pounding in my throat. I couldn't tell if it was from the excitement of talking to Arisa or the fear of what would come out of this conversation. Probably both.
My palm rested against the kitchen door, which was left ajar to open for me.
"Oh c'mon, don't gimme that look."
I stopped moving when I heard Kuroo's muffled voice from behind the door.
"I'm mad at you." Even though I couldn't see Arisa I knew her arms must be crossed in front of her chest, or her hands were on her hips, or... maybe by now she had new habits I didn't know about since I lost that privilege to know stuff like this about her.
I lowered my hand and allowed the pain in my chest to subside.
"Okay, okay," Kuroo said after a while, during which neither of them had said anything. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up during dinner."
For a moment I thought he was talking about what he had said to me, but there was no way Arisa had heard that.
"It's just, I'm proud of you." The honesty in his voice choked my throat. "And yeah~ maybe I wanted to show you off a bit."
"You give off toxic, single mother vibes."
Kuroo burst out laughing. "Giving off toxic, single mother vibes? Yūji's rubbing off on you."
Who the hell's Yūji now?
"Maybe," Arisa replied dully, but I could tell from her underlying tone that she found it amusing as well.
"Aww come on don't be mad." His footsteps could be heard. "You know I only did that because you want to say yes anyway."
Say 'yes'?
Say 'yes' to what?
I felt sick until I remembered that they were talking about an offer for Arisa at the dinner table. Were they talking about that? God, I hope so.
"And you know that I also want you to say yes."
I heard her sigh. "Yea know. But it's not that easy for me. It's a big step and I won't be able to get out of it that easily."
Kuroo laughed. "Never! Say yes and I'll keep you forever."
Oh, for fuck's sake.
My body was already feeling the panic inside me. My breath hitched and my heart pounded painfully against my chest. My therapist's exercises were of little use to me here, as I would have to escape from the situation and there was absolutely no way in hell, I would fucking leave this spot. I needed to know what they were talking about.
It started to rustle on the other side.
"What?" Arisa sucked in a sharp breath. "Are you crazy? Put that back in!" She hissed, trying to keep her voice down, drawing my attention back to the conversation.
"Oh, relax." Kuroo, on the other hand, sounded visibly amused.
"Put that away!" she repeated. "What if someone walks in?"
"So?" he laughed. "We're all adults." My hand twitched. I was about to run in to stop whatever was going on, but Kuroo's sigh made me pause before it rustled again. "Okay. Okay. I'll stop already. Happy?"
There was silence for a moment before Arisa spoke again. "You're so annoying, I'm glad you're not staying here tonight."
While Kuroo took an audible, indignant breath; I held mine. "Take that back."
"You're obnoxious."
"I'm the best."
"The best at getting on my nerves."
"Oh, come on. You love me." Kuroo's dirty grin was evident in his voice. He was enjoying the conversation with her, and it actually felt like I was fucking interrupting something.
Maybe I did. Oh my God.
The literal exchange continued, but my thoughts were racing so fast that I couldn't listen to them anymore. I'm so fucking confused. My brain was trying to process the information, but nothing add up. At least not to the answers I'd like to have.
What does it mean she's happy he's not sleeping here tonight? So he's sleeping here every other night but today?
"Omi!"
The sudden touch made me physically jump. I glanced to my side, where Bokuto was now standing.
Smiling, he put his hand from my shoulder, raising it apologetically in front of him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."
My heartbeat gradually calmed down again. I had been so focused on the conversation behind the door that I hadn't even seen Bokuto coming.
"Are you okay?" Bokuto asked after a while when I still hadn't responded to him properly. He looked at me worriedly. "You look pale."
"I'm fine." A lie, which he clearly wasn't buying. "A little tired," I therefore added. Which at least wasn't a complete lie.
Even though his worried look didn't disappear completely, his posture relaxed a little. "That's fine." Smiling, he nodded in the direction of the living room. "I've come to pick you up. We were just about to leave. I'll drop you and Inunaki off at your parents' house first." He started walking before turning around again. "Unless you need a moment?"
"No. Let's go." Thanks to Bokuto's interruption, I was able to think clearly again. Now that the spiker was standing next to me, there was no point in eavesdropping any longer. Besides... I wasn't sure if I could take any more information.
"You gonna eat that?" he asked once I'd caught up to him.
"Huh?" Confused, I turned to the silver-haired man, whose eyes were fixed on the plate in my hand. I had completely forgotten about that. Only now did I realize what I had actually taken with me as an excuse for the kitchen. On the plate lay a pink decorated cake pop with a strawberry on top.
"Help yourself." I handed him the plate, which he accepted with bright eyes and a big grin.
"Woooa thanks!" Lifting the sweet piece on a stick with sparkling eyes, his steps became more dance-like. "These are sooo delicious! I wish Ari-Chan would make these every day."
"Arisa?" My eyes now fell back onto the cake pop. "I thought the sweets were from the patisserie?"
"Naaah, just the cakes." Proudly, as if he had made it himself, he held the cake on a skewer under my nose. "Ari made these herself~!"
My eyes narrowed as I gazed from the cake pop to Bokuto and back again. Without giving it a second thought, I snatched it out of his hand. "I've changed my mind."
"What? But-" Before his whining could reach my ears, I was already shoveling the pastry into my mouth.
"Omi you're so mean!"
*
"You can have the bed."
"Thanks for the offer, but the futon will do. I don't want you to have to burn your bed afterwards."
Grinning, Inunaki lay down on the mat next to my bed. He was exaggerating with his statement, and he knew it. Nevertheless, he wasn't entirely wrong, I had only offered him the bed out of politeness. Even though I had improved my hygiene habits, I didn't necessarily want anyone else to sleep in my bed. I had only ever allowed one person to do that.
"No need for spasmodic niceties," the libero continued. "I'm glad you're letting me stay in your room to begin with. I'd already resigned myself to sleeping in the hallway."
"Shut up." Annoyed, I threw the pillow I had freshly covered against his face.
Laughing, he took the pillow down before sticking it behind his head. "Boy, I'm going to burst." Breathing heavily, he put his hand on his stomach while holding his cell phone with the other. "Your family fattened me up."
"No one forced you to eat again," I replied dryly as I walked around him to my bed.
Eyes wide, he braced his upper body on his forearms to give me a shocked look. "You obviously didn't see their faces when we told them we'd already eaten."
Yes, I had. My siblings had come to see me, which they usually did when I came around, as our parents had left our bedrooms as before, despite us moving out, for us to make us feel at home whenever we chose to visit. Along with my parents, they prepared a huge dinner, only to hear us say that we already had eaten. I could understand that Inunaki couldn't resist the watery puppy eyes of my brother and mom. I, on the other hand, was already used to it.
Even if I had wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to swallow down anything, and it had nothing to do with me already eaten that evening. Since the trip to my parents' house, I couldn't think about anything else but the conversation between Arisa and Kuroo. I didn't understand what was going on between them at all. He was staying with her? Then why not today? What kind of relationship do they have? And then there was this baby...
I suppressed a sigh as I sat down on my bed. My heart began to race with nervousness once again as I watched Inunaki, who was lying down, bussing himself with his phone. I just realized that he's been doing that a lot recently.
I swallowed hard and thought about how I could start the conversation. He wasn't Atsumu, but he must know something since he wasn't surprised about the child either.
Nervously, I leaned my elbows on my knees, rubbing my hands together. "Hey Inunaki."
"Hmm?" His gaze remained on his cell phone.
I could feel my hands getting wet. "The baby Arisa had in her arms... umm...," I mumbled.
Inunaki side eyed me. "Chiyo? What about her?"
Chiyo.
The beating of my heart echoed throughout my body. I had seen the child, but only now, with the name, did she actually feel real.
"How old is she?" I heard myself ask. That wasn't the question I wanted to ask. However, my throat tightened in fear of the answer to the actual question.
"I don't know." He glanced up briefly, as if that would help him think. "Definitely one already," he mumbled, lost in thought, before his eyes fell on me again. "Atsumu, Bokuto and Meian-san went to her birthday a couple of months ago, took presents with them and all."
Indeed, I faintly remembered that Bokuto had asked me a few months ago if I wanted to come along to Tokyo. Of course, I couldn't have guessed why they were going. I thought Bokuto wanted to visit his family, which in fact he did more often than I, and that Atsumu probably wanted to visit Arisa together with Meian, who was visiting Sonoko more often than necessary.
I found the strength to nod before I opened my mouth to ask the crucial question. However, I couldn't get a sound out. I felt sick. I was afraid of what he might say. Afraid of the possible truth. But his gaze remained fixed on me, so I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat.
"Is-" I could feel the cold sweat running down my back. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "Um...the kid, is it Arisa-"
"FUCK!" Startled, I backed away as Inunaki suddenly stood in front of me staring at his phone. "FUCK! FUCK!"
Huh?
I blinked dumbly at Inunaki, as he had reproduced my thoughts exactly, when I noticed the ringing phone in his hand. But instead of answering the call, he continued to stare palely against it.
"Aren't you... going to pick up?" I asked after he hadn't moved for what felt like a minute.
My question seemed to have snapped him out of his state of shock. "Yes. Yes, of course I will," he said, more to himself than to me.
He didn't even look at me as he wiped the screen with shaky fingers and then pressed the phone to his ear.
What the hell? Who was calling him to cause such a reaction?
"Mei? Oh god, Mei!" Her name full of longing and relief. "I can't believe you actually called me back. No-no don't hang up." He ran a hand over his hair before walking to the door. "I swear I can explain. Please listen to me. The stuff you read isn't true, you have to believe me."
What the-?
And off he was.
"What the fuck?" I whispered to myself, still starring at the closed door he had just walked out of before I let myself fall onto my back with a sigh.
Mei. Who is Mei?
Atsumu seemed to have been right with his hints in the car, since it almost seems like I wasn't the only one having trouble with his girl.
How was it that I always missed something like that? I spent almost every day with my team, but I had absolutely no idea what was going on in their private lives.
Oh right, because I wasn't interested.
At least not about all of them and not about all topics.
My gaze lingered on the blank ceiling. I was just as clueless as before. At least Inunaki's sudden panic took away some of my own, yet my thoughts were still all about Arisa.
Seeing her in front of me again in her outfit and her soft hair, her tanned skin, her bright green eyes and that loving smile on her face when she held that baby. Her baby? God, she might be a mother.
Say 'yes' and I'll keep you forever.
Bile made its way up my throat.
I should have gotten her pregnant when I still had the chance to.
The click of my therapist's pen reverberated in my head, telling me I'd said something morally reprehensible. Annoyed, I pressed my hands against my face.
"I was just thinking out loud," I mumbled against them.
Fantastic, now the woman was living rent free in my head, making sure I was talking to myself.
There was a knock at the door making me realize how exhausted I was when I couldn't even pull myself up.
"Come in."
That phone call went faster than expected. Hopefully Inunaki had been more successful than me.
But it wasn't Inunaki who came into my room.
"What do you want?" Tired, I pulled myself upright as my brother hurried towards me.
"Is that any way to greet your big bro?" Grinning, he tousled my hair.
I slapped his hand away, which, judging by his still broad smile, didn't seem to impress him much. "We've already said hello."
"So what?" He sat down next to me and before I could even think about escaping, he hugged me tightly. "Can't I say hello to my little brother again after we haven't seen each other for so long?" Kota started rubbing his face against mine. "Aww~ I've missed you so much Kiyo-chan!"
I could swear he's surrounded by a golden glow and flowers growing around him. I don't know anyone who radiates as much positive energy as Kota. Not even Hinata.
Annoyed, I pushed him away from me, which turned out to be harder than I thought. "Don't call me that and get off the bed! You're still wearing your street clothes."
Grinning with satisfaction, he finally gave in and stood up. "I thought you were working on that?"
I was working on it. However, my bed was still sacred to me. Besides, I'm of the opinion that no one should wear street clothes to bed, Germaphobe or not.
Receiving no answer from me, he leaned against the chest of drawers behind him, crossing his arms. A totally uncharacteristic pose for him, as if he was trying to look relaxed in a spasm. "So..." he began.
I narrowed my eyes. "So?"
Although I could guess what this was going to lead to, I wasn't going to make it easy for him.
He started making some unconcerned facial expressions and gestures with his hands, which made him look ridiculous.
"Are you having a stroke?"
"What? Pff... What are you talking about?" The following fake laugh was so high-pitched, it hurt my ears.
Clearing his throat shortly after, he readjusted his posture against the dresser, only making him look even more uncomfortable than before.
"Sooo... you had dinner at... Arisa's?" he asked with pursed lips while doing more hand gestures, probably to emphasize how nonchalant he found the subject. Yeah, sure.
I had known exactly where this conversation was going to lead from the start. I'd have to be dumb as shit not to know. After all, my siblings' reaction to Inunaki's statement that we'd had dinner at Arisa's hadn't escaped me. How could I, when they had been staring at me all evening, as if they could read the answer to their questions on my face.
Ever since Kota and Kazuha had met Arisa, after that one time I asked her to bring some of my stuff from my parents' house before coming back to Osaka when she had stayed in Tokyo, they had been talking about her non-stop. At some point they must have realized that something must have gone wrong between the two of us and were at least decent enough not to mention her in my presence.
It was one thing to get over the situation with Arisa - which I obviously haven't yet; another to have to endure the pitying stares of your teammates whenever her name was mentioned; and quite another when your own siblings adored the one girl who slipped away from you.
"I did," I replied dully with raised eyebrows.
He nodded, looking down at his nails with a tense expression on his face, which I'm sure he perceived as calm. God, where did he learn to act so badly?
"So did you guys... pff... I don't know... talk or something? Hung out? Or whatever it is you young lads do these days." A convulsive laugh escaped him, making my right eye twitch.
"Young lads? Why do you talk like you're 40 years old?"
"Well, I mean I am six years older than you." He shrugged his shoulders. "No idea how you guys spend your time these days or how you conduct your relationships," he quickly added the latter before suddenly coughing.
"Arisa and I aren't in a relationship."
"Whaaat? Where is that coming from?!" he asked in a high-pitched voice in an attempt to appear shocked.
A migraine-like pain shot through my head at my brother's acting skills as my bedroom door opened once again.
"Oh, hey Kota! You here?" Emphasizing every single word, fake surprised to find our brother already here, my sister walked into my room as well. "Are you holding a secret sibling reunion without inviting me?" Crossing her arms in front of her chest, she walked in choppy, robotic steps to Kota, next to whom she stood with a strained smile.
The two of them were in desperate need of an acting class.
"What are you doing here?" Kota tried to whisper while still smiling in my direction.
God, I couldn't watch this any longer. Literally. With my eyes closed, I started massaging the bridge of my nose.
"That took far too long! I wanted to see if you needed any help," Kazuha hissed back. "So? Did he tell you what's going on between them?" Didn't they realize that I could hear them?
"Goddammit Kazuha, He was about to! If you hadn't burst in it is."
"What? Seriously?"
"Yes, if I do say so! It's man talk,", he emphasized. "He was about to tell me!"
Yeah right.
Their delusional battle of words was still going back and forth when I decided that it was enough of a headache for today.
"I have to get up early tomorrow," I began as I walked towards my door, opening it for them. "So please, if you'd be kind enough as to continue your conversation outside."
My siblings glanced at each other briefly before Kazuha nodded her head towards the door. Kota sighed in defeat, following after her.
"Good night sweetie," my sister whispered as she gave me a kiss on the crown of my head before walking out of the room.
"Good night my little baby brother!" Kota tried to give me a kiss as well, whereupon I pushed him away from me. "You're so mean! You always let Kazuha love you, but I never get to!"
"Cry about it."
"So cruel!" he whined, but his gaze quickly softened. "If you do want to talk... about whatever, you know where to find us."
My siblings both smiled lovingly at me. I hadn't had this feeling since I was a child, but right now I was once again wishing that the age difference between us wasn't so great. Maybe then I could have actually talked to them. Back then, when everything started to fall apart, not now, when I had to pick up the pieces, not knowing how.
Nevertheless, I nodded. "I know. Thank you."
They both gave me one last encouraging smile before closing the door behind them.
I knew I could talk to them. Except that in this case, I couldn't tell them anything they would like to hear.
"Man, she was such a sweetheart," I heard my sisters muffled sigh from behind the door. "I wish they would make up."
Yeah Kazuha, me too.
But it seems like the odds aren't in my favor...
___________________________________________
Hope you enjoyed!
Dw, there will be more interaction between our train-wreck-couple next chapter.
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