Chapter Twenty: Don't Wanna Be Torn
I've never been the type of girl to go after a boy, but this time it was different. He was different, and he made me feel different. I guess I just got tired of waiting around for him and decided to make a move myself. That's why I got off the plane. That's why I couldn't make myself go home.
They say that there are several kinds of silences. The silences that are so loud because they scream the truth. The silences that are comfortable and serene. And then there's a completely different type of silence. The one where you're with someone else and every moment is make it or break it. At any moment everything built between the two of you can be broken. Like the difference between pausing something or ending it completely.
That's the type of silence that filled Harry an dLouis' kitchen after I had explained to Harry how exactly I had managed to convince them to let me off of the plane just as it had begun taking off, which is very illegal.
The rest of our group had scattered after Harry had made his announcement to me. They wanted to give Harry and I a chance to have this horribly awkward conversation in private. They even left the flat completely so that we woulnd't be afraid that they were eavesdropping on us, which is something they are known for. I don't know how many times I've caught Louis and Niall standing outside of the door to Harry's bedroom. I don't even want to know what they were listening for on those occasions.
"Did you mean it?" I nervously whisper. My voice trembled as I took a chance and broke the silence surrounding us.
"Did I mean what?" Harry asked softly, playing innocent. He knew what I was talking about, but his voice sounded so tired. So, I guess I understood. I'm tired, too.
"That you love me." I refused to remove my eyes from my hands while the words left my mouth. It was almost as if I were addressing them, rather than the gorgeous boy across from me.
He was silent for a long while after that, but every once in a while I would hear his breathing speed up just to slow down again. He was trying his hardest to keep his cool. His eyebrows pulled together, and he gently pulled his bottom lip between his perfectly white teeth. His silence was the type of silence that is really loud. It was louder than any answer he could have verbally given me.
"it's okay if you don't, Harry. I can't make you love me. I have to fly back to America tonight anyway, and we can just forget this ever happened. I didn't mean to sleep with Niall, and more importantly, I never meant to hurt you. I'll announce our break up in my next..." I was rambling. My nervous habit. I was almost relieved when Harry cut me off.
"Andy, shut up." He said curtly, never taking his eyes off of me.
It took him several seconds before he gathered himself enough to begin speaking again. This time, he looked deep into my eyes. A perfect shade of green meeting my perfect shade of blue.
"I will admit that I didn't mean to blurt it out like that. Seeing you again just caught me off guard, but that doesn't mean that I didn't meant it. I do love you, Andy. I love you so much more than I should." He admitted sheepishly. It seemed like the words tasted bitter on his tongue.
"Then why are we fighting this?" I ask, struggling to keep the annoyance out of my voice. I'm so tired of this boy running us in circles.
"All hell will break loose, Andy. Are we ready for that?" He shrugged, as if none of this was really a big deal.
"Harry, I've never fallen for someone so hard in such a short amount of time, even though I promised myself a long time I would never risk the chance of getting hurt again. But for some reason, when I'm with you, the risk seems worth it. So yes, I'm ready to face hell with you." I admit honestly.
I knew that it would have been easier to of just walked away in that very moment. He was given me an out, and the old me would have taken it without any hesitation. Only, the person I've become these past few months with him didn't want to give up without a fight.
"What do you want, Andy?" He asked weakly, breaking our eye contact and staring at his marble counter top as if it just got really interesting.
"I want you to give me some sort of reaction. I want you to tell me what you want, and I want you to do something about this. I'm tired of games, Harry. I've played them for the past year. I just want you to tell me if you feel the same way that I have already told you I feel. I want you to decide one way or another. Either get us going or end it right here. You already know what I want. It's your move." I snap, my patience finally giving in.
I watch in annoyance as Harry slams his fist on the table and rises from his chair without another word. He slings a cabinet door open before retrieving a familiar bottle and slamming it shut. Oh, Harry, is this really the time for drinking?
Only, he didn't open it and chug it down like I expected him to. Instead he slammed it down in front of me and stared me dead in the eyes. An angry Harry is a frightening Harry. I've never seen him this mad before.
"This stuff is ruining you, Andy. You don't care anymore, do you? You live day to day. Drugs, sex, alcohol, more drugs, more sex, more alcohol. It is all that matters to you. You had me, but I guess you lost that, too." He snaps back, and my eyes fill with tears as his fills with fire.
I didn't know where any of this was coming from, but I knew that I deserved it. I knew that what he was saying was right. It was all true. I did let drugs and sex and drinking and partying take over my life, but that was until I met him. Until I fell in love with him.
"If you're looking for reasons not to love me, Harry, I've already given you a million. I know I'm not your usual perfect supermodel or singer. I'm screwed up, and I'm broken. I'm not asking you to fix anything. I just want to start from now and move on. Have I done some shit? Hell yes. Am I proud of it? No. I'm not." I say calmly, and I watch his eyes soften slightly.
"I'm sorry, Andy." He whispered before sitting back in his seat and placing his head in his hands.
"I won't drink anymore, Harry. I won't do drugs anymore. The only person I want to have sex with is you." I whispered, hoping that he had calmed himself down a good bit from his little fit.
We fell back into an uneasy silence, and I finally let the tears stream down my face.
"Girl, I see it in your eyes. You're disappointed, 'cause I'm the foolish one that you anointed with your heart. I tore it apart. And girl what a mess I made upon your innocence, and no woman in the world deserves this. But here I am asking you for one more chance." Harry begins to sing so softly that I'm not even sure I heard him at first.
"I've never been good with words, Andy. And if I'm being honest, the way you make me feel scares me. I'm scared that I'll hurt you and then you'll hurt yourself because of me. I'm scared that one day you'll realize I'm not worth it and actually get on the plane." He admitted with a light chuckle at the end to ease the tension.
"Before I met you, I never told anyone about my problems. I was too scared of them myself to say it out loud. When my parents looked at me, all they could see was their beautiful screw up of a daughter. They didn't have a clue, and I hid it from them for so long. I thought that it was better left unsaid. And then you. You break all of my walls down and suddenly I'm not so afraid anymore." I gingerly reach over and intertwine my fingers with his larger ones.
"For the record, you're the only one that I want to have sex with, too." He looked up at me with a grin on his face, and I question for the hundredth time if he's actually bipolar.
"So what does this mean?" I question, my smile mirroring his.
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I know. The wait was horrible, and this chapter is so short, but I've been so busy. I know that's no excuse, but it's the sad truth.
I will start updating reguarly again starting today. I'm hoping for another update at least by Wednesday.
You're all amazing for your patience. The next chapter will be a lot longer and a lot less tense. I promise. It'll be more fun.
I still have a lot in store for Andy and Harry so their story is far from over.
Just a warning that the next chapter will contain a rather steamy scene, but who it's between is a secret I'll never tell. (Yes, I just quoted Gossip Girl).
Unti next time. Vote, Comment, Fan.
Stay beautiful. xx