Greyson's POV
"Greyson have you been having any troubling thoughts lately?"
I rolled my eyes. I was trapped inside of a stuffy office. An office that I'd been forced to visit for 2 years now. The room was dimly lit. There was a desk on one side of the room completely covered in papers like a paper machee table cloth. There was a stiff looking couch on the other side of the room up against the wall with a large pillow. The office was painted a very bland professional beige color with faceless picture frames filled with paintings of cliched sunsets and birds. There are also two arm chairs in the middle of the room facing each other. I sat in one of them facing Dr. Rowling, my personal psychiatrist for my scheduled therapy session.
"I know you hate discussing your feelings but I would appreciate it if you would cooperate with me. I'm here to help you."
I sighed. I was so sick and tired of this.
"No, you're being paid to help me and I don't need your help."
"Everyone needs help sometimes." He said folding his hands in that pretentious way, that signaled to me that he was trying to remain professional.
"Well I don't. I'm fine." I said. I refused to make this easy for him.
"Last year you-"
"Why does everyone keep bringing up last year!? I've changed."
"I'm not denying that but you are battling a serious illness."
"I don't have an illness."
"Depression is an illness Greyson, a serious one that you can't just ignore."
I'd had it. I was done with all of the psychiatrists constantly telling me that there was something wrong with me. I got up from the chair prepared to walk out. My hand was already on the doorknob before he spoke again.
"If you don't cooperate with me, your mother has instructed me to make a recommendation for you to seek institutionalized treatment again."
"I am not going back to that hospital." I said firmly.
"If you walk out of here then I will have no choice but to send you back, now please sit down."
I gave a cry of irritation and threw myself back down in the chair frustratedly grabbing a fistful of my hair to keep myself from punching a wall or damaging one of his stupid picture frames.
"Do you blackmail all of your patients?"
"Only when I feel like they may be a danger to themselves or others."
"I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else."
"Well that's for me to decide. Now I'm going to ask you again. Have you been having any troubling thoughts lately?
"No."
"Greyson it's your choice to cooperate. Not cooperating though is only going to hurt you."
"Okay fine! If I cooperate can we end this session early?" I asked completely exhausted and fed up with this.
"Deal." He said smirking. I rolled my eyes I seriously wanted out of this damned office.
"Okay. Well before I'll admit I was scared that I was relapsing but I'm fine now."
"What do you mean by relapsing?" He asked getting that squinty look in his eyes whenever he decides to latch onto something I say like a leech sucking the life out of some poor helpless creature.
"I was having trouble sleeping and eating. I would have racing thoughts and I just didn't feel normal or happy."
"What kind of thoughts?"
"The same kind of thoughts I had last year." I said not wanting to meet his eyes and see the judgement in them that I knew was there.
"So suicidal thoughts then?"
"Yes." I said sighing.
"Are you going to repeat last years incident Greyson?"
"Why does everyone keep asking me that!?" I didn't mean to yell but he was seriously pissing me off. It was like he didn't want to believe that for once I was actually okay. For once I was in control.
"I'm asking because last year we had a similar conversation. You sat in that very chair and told me that you were taking your meds, that you were fine, that you were in control. Then you went home and-"
"I KNOW WHAT I DID! I WAS THERE, REMEMBER!?" This time I stood up and paced around the room. I was literally half a second away from picking something up off of his desk and throwing it at the wall.
"I need you to sit back down." Dr. Rowling said in an even voice ignoring the fact that I just yelled at him for the second time.
I took several deep breaths and then finally took a seat.
"What's so different this time around? What reason can you give me to assure me that you won't try to hurt yourself again? I'm sorry but this pattern of behavior is similar to last years and it's given me reason to believe that maybe you should be committed again."
"I won't hurt myself again because this time I actually have something to live for. Well more like someone.
"Someone?"
"His name is Daniel."
"Oh I see, and does Daniel know?"
"Know what?" I asked.
"Does he know about last year or your depression?"
"No." I said putting my head in my hands.
"Don't you think he deserves to know?"
"Yes."
"Then why haven't you told him?"
"Because-" I stopped. I didn't want to admit it but it was one of my biggest fears.
"Greyson?"
"Because I'm terrified that he will run away from me."
"Do you love him?"
"Yes." Although I hadn't said it to him vocally, I'd been in love with Daniel Connors for years.
"Then you should tell him. It's your choice whether or not you do, but if you love him you shouldn't hide something like that. If he is truly the one for you, he'll stick by your side no matter what."
Just then the timer beeped. The session was over. I looked up and saw Dr. Rowling staring at me with a haunted expression. I got up to leave but as soon as I reached for the doorknob, he spoke again.
"Greyson, it's not healthy for your happiness to depend on one person. That will prove to be overwhelming for the both of you. Your happiness should come from within. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have to learn how to love yourself before you can truly love someone else."
I simply nodded.
"I won't recommend you for institutionalized treatment but in exchange I want you to continue sessions with me once a week.
"Thank you Dr. Rowling."
I really didn't want to see this office ever again but I'd take weekly sessions over institutionalized treatment any day.
"Be safe Greyson."
After I left the office I sat in the car for over an hour literally contemplating everything Dr. Rowling just told me. I didn't agree with everything he said but there was one thing that definitely stuck in my mind. Daniel deserved to know.
I turned the car on and pulled out of the parking lot heading straight towards Daniel's house.
Once I pulled in the driveway I texted him.
"I'm in your driveway, come outside I need to tell you something important."
He texted back less then a minute later.
"K. Omw out now."
I watched as he exited his house shutting the door behind him. His hair was tussled and he was wearing a hoodie and jeans.
"Hey what's going on?" He said staring at me worriedly as soon as he got in the car.
"Do you mind if we drive somewhere?" I said ignoring his question. My heart was beating fast. I didn't know how he would take what I was about to tell him.
"Yeah sure, there's a park down the street from here." He said pointing.
I nodded and followed the directions he gave me. Once we were at the park we got out and sat on the swings. The park was abandoned and the sun was setting. The wind was blowing and the chilly air tickled my face.
"Greyson talk to me. What's going on?" Daniel said after a minute of silence.
I decided to just start. There was no point in dragging it out.
"Daniel, there's something wrong with me."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know if you noticed but last year I wasn't in school. I was in a psychiatric hospital."
I looked for a reaction on his face but it was guarded.
"Why were you in a psychiatric hospital?" Daniel asked. The wavering in his voice told me that he was nervous to ask.
That was the very question I was terrified to answer. I had never actually said it aloud. The very thing that I had done to get me into this mess was something I refused to think about. Those memories were something I have been trying to suppress for years.
"Please, Daniel-"
"Why?" He interrupted. I could see his nervousness growing through the way he refused to look me in the eye and he kept fidgeting with the sleeve of his hoodie.
I sighed. There was only one thing to do. I had to tell him the truth as painlessly as possible.
"I went to a psychiatric hospital because I did something really fucked up."
"Did you hurt someone?" He asked quietly.
"Yes." I said looking away from him.
"Who?" He said standing up from the swing now to stand right in front of me .
"Myself." I didn't even look up, afraid to see his reaction. Afraid to see the judgement in his eyes. The fear. I didn't know what else to do so I just kept talking.
"Daniel, you have to understand. Last year was-" I took a deep breath knowing I had to continue. I had to get everything out in the open.
"Last year was one of the worst years of my life." My heart was beating so fast. All of the memories and flashbacks were coming back like a movie playing on fast forward. I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't ready to admit what I had done.
I felt a hand gripping my wrist and I looked up into the most beautiful eyes.
"It's okay, you don't have to talk about it now." He said in a soothing voice.
I closed my eyes. The sun had set now cloaking us in darkness. I could barely see the expression on his face under the glow from the street light. But he didn't seem to be afraid of me like I thought he would be.
I took a deep breath. He deserved to know. I needed to stop being a coward and admit what I'd done.
"Daniel last year I was dealing with a lot. I was angry because my parents had split up. After my parents found out I was gay everything changed. My sexuality tore their marriage a part. My father couldn't deal with the fact that my mother wasn't accepting of me. He didn't like the side of her that came out after I revealed one of the biggest secrets I've ever had in my life, so he left. But although he isn't bothered by my sexuality he's bothered by what it did to our family. I know my father blames me for ruining his relationship with my mom. I woke up one morning and he was just gone. He never even asked me to come live with him."
"Your parents divorce is not your fault Greyson! It's not!" Daniel yelled.
"Maybe. But I didn't have anyone to tell me that during that time."
"But Greyson you have so many friends! You have Dylan, isn't he your best friend?"
"Daniel none of my friends are real. They are only around for money. They also aren't the friends I want. They are all stuck up spoiled rich kids whose parents want us to be friends for business purposes. Even my friendship with Dylan started out as a business deal between our parents. Sometimes I wonder if he ever even wanted to be friends with me or if he feels obligated to."
"Greyson, Dylan cares about you. I'm pretty sure he's your real friend. You just have to give him a chance."
"You're right. And I know that now. But last year I felt so lost and alone. I felt like I had no one to talk to. I felt unwanted. I was so filled with self loathing to the point where I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to vomit."
I watched Daniels face for any sort of reaction but it was dark so I couldn't see. The next part was the hardest part to get out. And my worst fear was to be alone again. But if we were going to move forward in this relationship he had to know. So I took a deep breath and continued.
"Almost every day I would get drunk to try to escape reality at least for a few hours. I literally drunk whatever I could get my hands on, whether it was at a party or one of my mothers vodka bottles I found in the house. Daniel I've been taken advantage of so many times."
I gulped down the lump that was now building in my throat.
"People have swindled money from me or taken advantage of me sexually while I was drunk. You know Liza?"
"Slut Liza?" He said quietly.
"She spiked my drink at one of her parties and forced me to do sexual things with her and one of her friends. Then she told the entire school about it the next day."
"Oh my god." Daniel gasped. "Why didn't you tell someone?"
"Because I'm Greyson fucking Grey. Do you honestly think I could ever tell someone something like that without seeing it in the newspaper the next day? That kind of scandal would bring shame upon my entire family. And no one would believe I was taken advantage of they will just spin the story and make it into me being some sexualized party boy."
"After that day I kind of went off the deep end. I guess I was pretty scary because even Dylan avoided me during those days. But one day after school during one of my lowest periods I went home and raided my mother's liquor cabinet. I grabbed whatever I could find and shut myself in my room. I got so drunk to this day I barely remember what happened. But I do remember dropping one of the glass wine bottles and watching it shatter on the floor. I remember how beautiful the shards of glass looked lying on the floor and glittering in the light. I remember crying because all I could think about is how I felt like that damn bottle broken and empty. I cried because I knew that the pieces could never be put back together, like my life never would. Honestly the last thing I remember Daniel is grabbing one of the glass shards and slitting my wrists open."
The glow from the moon illuminated Daniels face and I was shocked to see that he was crying. Tears streaming down his face as he stared at me with such concern and sadness.
I reached out for him, but he drew back clearly afraid.
"Are you okay now?"
I didn't answer. Honestly I didn't know.
"I'm getting help Daniel, I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a long time now."
"But are you okay?"
"Now, yes. Because I have you."
"Greyson promise me that you will never do anything like that again." The look of sadness on his face was unbearable. All I wanted to do was pull him into my arms and kiss his tears away.
"I promise."
"Im scared because I don't ever want to lose you Greyson."
I couldn't stand it anymore I got up and pulled him to me, holding him tightly.
"I'm not going anywhere." I assured him. Whispering gently into his ear.
"You must've felt so alone and so scared. I wish I had been there for you. I wish your parents didn't suck so much." He said through tears.
I continued to soothe him. I was so surprised at the amount of compassion he was showing for me. I didn't deserve it. I was a coward who tried to take the easy way out instead of dealing with his problems. But I finally had something to live for. I had Daniel and I was determined not to lose him, ever. I would do whatever I could to make this relationship last.
I don't know how long we stood there in that park during the middle of the night just holding each other, I just know that I felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Things felt incredibly right for the first time and I was determined to keep them that way.
Everything was basically perfect, except for my psychiatrists warning in the back of my mind sending a cold shiver down my spine.
"You have to learn to love yourself before you can truly love someone else."
Hey guys, so my computer is fixed which means I'm back!!!!! This chapter was kind of dark. I can't really promise that things aren't going to get darker because things tend to get worse before they get better. But I promise it's worth the read :)
Stay tuned for more drama in the next chapter! Don't forget to vote and comment comment comment! Let me know what you think ;)