"People don't get what they deserve,
they just get what they get."
- House
. . .
"Stop staring at my ass."
"I was actually staring at your legs."
And imagining what they would look like with my face pressed between them.
Magna huffed. "Right."
Smiling to herself, Yumiko glanced away, examining the world around her. She wasn't sure if it was just the newfound angle but Magna's apartment looked even more dilapidated on second inspection. Pursing her lips, she moved her gaze back to the 'kitchen', noting with grudging praise that it at least seemed clean. And functional.
"Stop judging my kitchen."
"I'm not-"
"You are." Magna set the spatula down - none too lightly - and turned around. "You've never been subtle in your judgment - of anything. Always been terrible at hiding it. So yeah I know you hate my kitchen. And my mattress. My whole apartment - or, well, room, I suppose, is the more accurate term. But this is what I've got. And it's a hell of a lot better than some of the shit I've had in the past. Certainly beats being in a cell."
Yumiko clenched her jaw. "You deserve better."
Had always deserved better.
"Maybe. So do a lot of other people here. And I'm not all that comfortable with getting better if they don't get it too. I'm not special just because I'm fucking you."
Yumiko couldn't help a flinch. The words stung. "You really couldn't have found a better way to phrase that?"
Magna sighed, an apology in her eyes. "I'm not special just because I'm special to you."
That softened the sting a little. Reducing what they had to fucking hurt, even if she knew that it meant more than that, had always meant more than that.
(if Magna and Nicole were alike in anything it was in their ability to cut her with nothing more than a phrase; a twist of the tongue. Magna's cuts were almost always ignited by hurt and defensiveness. Fear. But Nicole's had been born of a desire to inflict harm. To brutalize. And, unlike Magna, she would never retrace her steps to soothe the wound left behind - not unless it served her)
"Yes. You are." Yumiko crossed the distance between them. "You are special because you're special to me. But you're also special because you're you." She reached for her arm, gripping it tightly. "You're Magna."
"That's a nice sentiment. Really. But being Magna has never afforded me any privileges in the past and there's no reason why it should start now." She tugged free of her hold, before swinging back to the pan, mouth turning down as she started to work the spatula under the omelette.
Yumiko could tell from the unnecessary aggression in every scrape, that she was still pissed.
Why did they always end up arguing in kitchens? Their first real, major argument had been in a kitchen as well. And tonight after the ball. . . The places were cursed. Or possibly this was just their way of getting revenge for the multiple times Yumiko had set them on fire.
"Magna-"
"I get it. You're used to a certain standard."
She nearly scoffed. "You forget that I spent the last ten years out there right along side you. It's not that I'm used to a certain standard. It's just that I don't like when the standards we're experiencing are different. Especially when it's causing you pain."
"It's not-"
"Oh, don't bullshit me." The snap of her voice had Magna turning to face her again. "Your back hasn't been this messed up since before we had the rig." It was hardly something she could fail to pick up on during sex. No matter how dedicatedly Magna had tried to hide every grimace and flinch. At first, Yumiko had worried that she'd made a mistake again, unintentionally triggered her. But she knew the differences in Magna's flinches. Knew when they were down to pain and not fear. "Add to that the risk of mould-"
"Mould?"
"Oh, you didn't hear? Apparently that's an issue here." She was unable to keep the bitterness out of her voice.
"No, I heard. I'm just surprised you did."
Yumiko tried not to let that cut.
Mostly because it wasn't entirely unearned. Until tonight, she hadn't known. Hadn't known a lot of things.
"Magna-"
"You know, you used to do it when you came around to my first apartment too. The judging," she elaborated. "And I know it comes from a good place, I know it's because you care - but it's fucking humiliating. And it just makes that divide between us feel like a goddamn crater. I'm okay with living like this, so I need you to be okay with it too."
Yumiko wished that she could be.
"That's a big ask. You know I'm not going to be okay with it as long as I get to live the way I do."
"You were fine with it until recently."
"Because I didn't know."
"Because you didn't want to know."
Yumiko flinched - both at the words and the burn in her eyes. The resentment.
Magna took a breath, setting her spatula down again as the fire in those eyes flickered out. "You're good at avoiding things. I get it because I fucking am too. As much as you were avoiding me this last month, I was avoiding you too. Whether I meant to or not. I don't. . . blame you for it. No more than I blame myself. But it doesn't change the fact that you weren't interested in this shit then. And it kind of grates that you're interested in it now just because we've started fucking again."
Yumiko's jaw clenched. "That is not the reason - and you know it's not."
She resented the accusation - even as bullshit as they both knew it to be. It felt like something Magna would have said ten years ago, back when she'd still doubted her intentions. Doubted the depth of her care. Yumiko had thought they were past that.
Apparently not.
Maybe it shouldn't have come as a surprise. After everything that had happened, everything that was still happening, the circumstances they now found themselves in. . . maybe it wasn't surprising that the trust between them had been wounded on both sides. Or, maybe this had nothing to do with Yumiko at all. Nothing to do with them.
Maybe it was just this place. The ghosts it had dug up. The ghosts it was still digging up.
Magna clenched her jaw. Refusing to falter. To give even an inch.
Yumiko threw up her hands. "I didn't know, Magna. About any of this. If I had, you know I would have been interested, that I would have cared. You know it. . . I knew about your job but I didn't know how to fix it. And. . . I didn't realize just how much you hated it. I'll admit to that. And since coming here. . . I've had a lot going on. A lot on my mind." Lance. Pamela. Her brother. Ensuring that their people had a smooth entry. That they were being cared for. And, honestly, she'd relied on Connie and Kelly to keep her up to date on what was going on in Magna's life. Had assumed that, if things weren't okay, they would tell her. You know what they say about assuming. "I've been busy."
"Yeah. Getting people to sign NDAs."
Yumiko flinched. Again.
It broke through the steel in Magna's gaze.
"Sorry, I just. . ." she sighed, the fight leaving her posture. "It hits a nerve. The way you keep looking at this place. All the shit that I can tell that you're thinking. It hits a nerve. And, you know, I get it. I do. I get that this is hard for you to see. The same way it was hard for you to see how I lived before the apocalypse. I get it. But I fucking hate it. And. . . Okay, maybe wanting you to be fine with it is too much to ask. But could you at least stop looking like somebody murdered your puppy every time you glance around?"
It was a fair ask. And she felt a trickle of regret for pushing Magna into ask for it. For not realizing sooner.
Yumiko swallowed. "I can do that."
Or try to anyway.
Magna was right, she'd never been good at hiding her judgment.
But her words seemed to be enough, and Magna's shoulders eased, relief threading its way through her features. "Thanks."
Suddenly hating the distance between them, Yumiko moved forward, wrapping her arms around Magna's waist and resting her hands against her lower back. It wasn't a hug but it was as much as Yumiko could dare to reach for right now.
Magna stiffened a moment before relaxing into the hold.
"I'm sorry. It was never my intention to humiliate you or make you feel bad."
There was a beat.
Followed by an exhale.
"I know." Magna's hands came up, settling on her elbows. "And I meant it when I said I know it's because you care. But I need you to find something else to focus that care on, because this? Doesn't need it."
Yumiko opened her mouth-
"And no. You can't get me a fridge."
"Not even a little one?"
The edges of Magna's mouth curved. "Not even a little one."
"Minuscule?"
"Nope."
"Microscopic?"
She swallowed a laugh. "You can give me a kiss, how about that?"
"Well, that's an unfair bargain. You know I can't say no to kiss from you." Smiling, she moved to meet the curve of Magna's lips, tension fading from her body at the reassuring pressure as they came together.
Yumiko didn't know if they'd ever learn to discuss their issues without anger and defensiveness. Dissolving into arguments. But as long as all those arguments ended like this, and as long as none of them carried the hurt of the one that had split them apart, she thought she could be content with that.
"I just worry about you," Yumiko murmured against her lips after a comfortable beat had passed.
"I know. The feeling's mutual." Magna kissed her nose. "But I've never been good with people worrying about me. Especially when it comes to stuff like this. It's hard to see it as worry and not. . ."
"Condemnation? Scorn? Pity?"
She chuckled without humor. "All of the above."
Yumiko hummed, rubbing their foreheads together. "I get that. . . but that's not where it comes from. That's never where it comes from. I worry because I love you. And I hate the thought of you having less than you deserve. And you deserve everything."
Magna's mouth drew up. "This is what I mean when I say you're biased." She pressed a brief kiss to her lips. "But I appreciate your bias." Another kiss was soon to follow, slightly longer than the last. "Appreciate you."
Instead of answering, Yumiko tightened her arms around Magna's waist, drawing her into a hug. She folded easily to the embrace, nose nuzzling into Yumiko's neck as her hands found her back. She smiled faintly, kissing the top of Magna's shoulder and closing her eyes.
She would definitely be okay with all of their fights ending like this.
A smell on the air tickled Yumiko's nose.
She sniffed.
"My omelette's burning."
"Shit!"
. . .
Magna glared down at the shriveled and blackened offering on Yumiko's plate.
"It's fine." Yumiko smiled, any disappointment she might have felt overpowered by the rising blend of amusement and affection in her chest. "We've had much worse. It's not like a little burnt egg is going to kill us. I bet it even tastes better than squirrel."
Not much of compliment but still.
Magna's scowl didn't let up. "I wanted it to be good. I haven't cooked for you in ages. I wanted. . ."
Yumiko's smile softened and she reached out, squeezing her hand. "Right now I'm so tired I couldn't taste whatever you cooked, burnt or otherwise. Save the good for another day. Right now, I'm just trying to shut up my stomach."
Magna snorted. "Something tells me this isn't going to manage that." There was a faint rise to her mouth now, though, and Yumiko knew her disappointment had passed. "Then again it might kill your stomach which would definitely shut it up."
"I'm sure it's not that bad."
"I'm sure it is."
"Only one way to find out." Reaching for a knife and fork, Yumiko carefully cut off a chunk. Black char cracked apart, flakes littering the plate as it came free.
The dark crust carried through to the inside, consuming all in sight.
Okay, so it's not the most appetizing of feasts.
It'll still beat squirrel strew. Squirrel anything.
Ignoring the amused tilt to Magna's lips, she slowly raised the sad little piece of omelette to her own, closing her mouth around it with the kind kind of bravery they wrote stories about.
Yumiko froze.
Oh, well that was-
Hmm.
Well.
Uh.
"So what's the verdict?"
It's highly possible that this is what barbecue sicko would taste like.
Somehow, Yumiko forced the hellish glob of tar down her throat. Stretched her mouth into a smile. "It's fine."
"Uh huh. Guess we know now why you went into law and not acting." Magna grinned, ducking her head and reaching for the plate. "I'm gonna make another. I hear it's bad form to serve a woman burnt omelette after fucking her brains out."
She rolled her eyes as Magna stood up. "And what's the etiquette around squirrel stew?"
Because Yumiko wasn't soon to forget those morning afters.
"The etiquette is we pretend it never happened."
She chuckled, watching as Magna wandered over to the trash can, scraping off the mutilated omelette carcass and dumping it inside.
Still, Yumiko felt a trickle of unease. She wasn't sure how much food Magna had on hand. Supplies. And she certainly didn't want her to waste it. "I can wait to eat until tomorrow if you want to come back to bed."
"No. You can't." Magna didn't spare her a glance, opening the icebox once more. "And neither can I."
"Oh, I'm pretty sure we both can. We went two full weeks once."
Not a fond memory, but it certainly acted as evidence that they could make it a single night.
"Yeah, because we had to. We don't have to now." Magna closed the lid, glancing over her shoulder. "Don't worry, I've got enough shit. You're not gonna eat me out of house and home just because of an omelette."
Yumiko smiled weakly - and a little guiltily. Busted. "Sorry."
The last thing she wanted to do was reignite their argument.
Magna shrugged, reaching for a tomato. "It's fine."
But Yumiko suspected that it wasn't. Though, she chose not to call her on it. There was no point. Magna knew the reason for her worry, likely even understood it. And Yumiko knew that she still resented its existence. There was nothing more to discuss.
This was a thorny issue they were going to have to learn to navigate in the future, to grow accustomed to. The same way they had in the old world. But there was only so much they could do in one night and Yumiko suspected that they'd accomplished as much as they were going to for now. "Do you want help?"
"From you?" The coolness had left Magna's voice, humor leaking in. "I think not."
"I'm not that bad."
"Didn't you set a kitchen on fire once?"
Twice. But, really, what was the point in correcting her?
"There were extenuating circumstances involved."
"And those circumstances were?"
Yumiko hadn't thought that far ahead. Quickly, she changed tactics. "I know how to chop ingredients. I'm hardly going to set anything on fire doing that."
"Normally I'd agree, but with you?" Magna made a face. "Yeah, no. Better not."
Little shit.
If this conversation had proved anything, though, it was that she could never let Tomi and Magna develop any kind of cordial relationship. She'd be outnumbered.
"You're acting like I can't cook. I can cook."
"The question isn't whether or not you can cook. The question is whether or not you can cook without causing property damage or bodily harm."
"I did survive on my own for years before you came into my life, Magna, and I hardly starved."
Yumiko resented the implication.
"Survived on take out, microwaveable meals, way too much cereal, and your mum and Sonja's charity."
Damn it.
She huffed. "I make an excellent salad."
"Not exactly any cooking involved in that, though, is there?"
Yumiko scowled and they descended back into silence. She wondered what it said about her that she'd fallen in love with someone who annoyed her even more than her brother - an honor she hadn't thought anyone was capable of possessing before meeting Magna.
Perhaps she was a masochist.
Still trying to think of a retort, Yumiko's eyes scanned the room for inspiration - muscles stiffening as her gaze fell once more on an object that reignited a knot of unease and frustration in her gut.
Her cooking abilities - or lack thereof - fading from Yumiko's mind, she turned back to Magna.
Watching her a moment.
"I haven't forgotten about the mango."
"I haven't forgotten about your brother."
Touché.
She still hadn't made good on her earlier promise to reveal what had gone down between them. Why he was angry with her. Still didn't particularly want to.
The tap, tap of the knife against the breadboard bit at her nerves - and her resolve. Yumiko watched Magna tip the board over the pan, the accompanying scrape as she drove its contents overboard, grating her ears.
From the little Yumiko could see of her face, she seemed at ease. Peaceful even. She always was when cooking. The habitual motions soothing her in the same way knitting had once soothed Yumiko.
Magna's words had been a gentle reminder - a casual retort - but there had been no expectation in them. No expectation that Yumiko should rectify her hypocrisy, fill in the blanks.
There was never any expectation from Magna when it came to secrets. She had too many of her own to possess any.
It was this, more than anything, that decided things for Yumiko.
That made it easy to open her mouth. Draw the words loose.
And, well, in the spirit of no longer trying to handle everything on her own, of loosening the reigns just a little. . .
"I made a deal."