25/12/17
Matilda
Waking up with a weight around my waist makes me tense but once I realise it's Harry I relax. His breaths feathers along the crook of my neck making goosebumps rise. I always wondered if I would ever get this back. Him, I and the comfort that is passed between us. For the past few days there have been little conversations that have made me feel awkward to be around. I should talk to him but yet it's like every word just disappears when I'm around him.
I should hate him for leaving but how can you hate someone who you missed them the most. Yes he left but everyone deserves a second chance. That doesn't mean we can just jump right back to where we were but I know there will be progress and hopefully we can contain the tension in our own little bubble even though everyone knows that something has gone on between us both. Only Zayn and Anne knew that Harry had left but of course Zayn had told Miles so now everyone knows, except the secret that only I know and Harry knows, yet I plan to keep it that way until I have the guts to tell them.
I don't think I can tell them and if I didn't it would save them but also me the heartache of knowing that I have failed. I just know that when I am ready I'll tell them. It'll all come out sooner or later whenever I'm ready or if I don't want it to, somehow it will and everyone will just look at me like I'm the same broken eighteen year old I was but still am.
"Merry Christmas" He rasps out making me smile from hearing his voice.
"Merry Christmas Harry" I mutter as we just lay in silence embracing the moment between us.
"You still up to go to Miles later?" He asks while his thumb strokes the side of my body making my body melt into him.
"Of course it's Christmas I want to spend it around people that I know want me around" I feel his body tense when I say the reply making me feel bad of how it sounded. "No I didn't mean it-"
"Hey Tilda it's okay I get what you mean" He soothes me not making me feel any better.
"I hate this" I mutter, beginning to get out of the bed making his arm fall from my waist.
"What do you hate?" He asks me while I go to the wardrobe to get out a black jumper and a red chequered skirt paired with black tights and black boots. Maybe I'm overdressing but this is my first real family Christmas gathering. The first Christmas with my sister here. I turn around to see his arm propping his head up while gazing at me like I'm gonna break.
"This, us, we can't have a conversation without one of us thinking we have said the wrong thing. It's tiring Harry. If you don't like that I relapsed in my self harm then leave or wake the fuck up and accept it. I did it exactly twenty seven days after you left. That's when I relapsed. I was broken, you left me and I could not keep myself afloat from the thoughts. Maybe if you didn't leave it wouldn't have happened but I'm not going to say that because that would be a dickish move to pull. All I'm saying is wake up and realise not everything is going back to how it was before. Things have changed, Harry, we have changed." Tears burn my water line but holding them back like my life depends on it. Not waiting to hear what he has to say I walk into the main bathroom locking the door behind me. Sighing, placing my head on the door feeling like everything around me is crumbling beneath me, I don't have control.
"Baby?"
"Go away Harry, I'm getting ready, maybe you should do the same." I snap hearing him sigh as guilt fills up my body for how I'm speaking to him. He doesn't get it and maybe he never will.
....
The drive to Miles was quiet, making me feel uneasy with how we handled things this morning. It wasn't the best way but maybe I just needed to tell him so he knew. He now knows the one secret I was keeping away from everyone and let's just say there's still this cloud floating above me even though I've told someone. Maybe it's time to get help, I can't deal with this.
Driving up the familiar road, stopping when we get to the front of the building to Miles home. I hear a sigh next to me making me tense knowing that he's going to say something.
"Tilda?" Harry asks,making me keep my head down, not moving it. "Tilda baby look at me please" He pleaded as he put a finger under my chin making my head turn to his direction. "I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say. The worst mistake was walking away still with you on my mind everywhere I turn. Maybe it's not what you want to hear right now but when I left no matter where I went or would turn I thought about you every day night hour minute. I've always said I'd never leave and I'm sorry I broke the promise as soon as I had the thought to walk out of the door on that day. Maybe if I didn't everything would be the same but I don't want to feel like this. Feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you when all I want to do is snuggle into you every minute of the day, to talk to you without this uneasy feeling that we both feel towards each other. You can trust me and maybe those words mean nothing to you but I swear baby, I swear so badly trust me." His pupils dilate showing nothing but sincerity as he speaks the words I wasn't expecting.
"I hate what you did but trying so hard to hate you is making it harder to not fall for you. I need you and I always will unless I find a way to live without you. I did it for a month and I could do it again. As soon as you entered our house I took you back but I was scared and still am. Maybe everything will fit back to the way it was but if it doesn't work between us, leave and find someone that makes you the happiest boy in the world" I press a kiss to the finger under my chin ready to get out of the car and itching to see my best friends.
Walking up the long staircase of the apartment complex I hear the steady footsteps behind me telling me that he's joined me. Getting to the top we stand in silence at the door, I feel Harry join our hands squeezing them as a sign that we'll be alright. Maybe we would but what would happen if we wouldn't?
"Matilda!" Tia shouts from the couch as I open the door. Running towards me my body tense before relaxing in the hold of my little sister.
"Hey T, how's you?" I snuggle into the hold while escorting us both further into the apartment. Harry squeezes my side in comfort but I ignore it not knowing how to feel towards him.
"I'm good, I've had fun living here, I just missed not seeing you as much as I hoped." Guilt filled my body knowing the reason she moved down here was to spend more time with me but instead I've been distracting myself with working at the shop with Marther and Ben. Maybe it was healthy maybe not but let's just say everyday I came into the shop they both knew something was off about me. After a few days I ended up breaking down in the romance section of the shop and broke down from missing living my own romance story.
As guests begin to arrive, tension fills the air between me and Harry making everyone just carry on with their own conversation. Only Anne and Zayn knew that he had left but then somehow the rest of the group found out and now they know everything except the secret that I have been keeping knowing that it would break their hearts if they knew I was suffering alone.
"How are you, beautiful girl?" Anne mutters in my ear placing a kiss onto my cheek greeting me as Harry talks to Miles behind me but I can still feel his gaze liger on me at times.
"I'm doing better" I whisper, embracing me in a hug that makes me close my eyes not wanting to forget the feeling of having a motherly figure in my life.
"I'm so sorry he left love this was all my fault" Guilt laces her tone making me dismiss her.
"You're not, you were just doing what you thought would protect him but he found out anyway. Don't worry about it we are fine" Placing my hand on her shoulder sending her a tight smile as others begin to come near.
"Merry Christmas everyone" Zayn shouts coming through the door with his hand conjoined with the girl who I now know as Abby. They look cute together, I won't lie.
"I smell food" Miles walks into the kitchen with gift bags making me laugh as I see Izzy send a punch into his arm.
"Hey Miles, where should I put these?" Harry asks, making Miles walk away from the seat I'm sitting on to try and find the man who consumed my mind all day.
"Hey Izzy, how are you doing?" I ask as I see her send a small smile my way.
"It's been okay. I am just struggling with back pains but Miles knows how to relax me" She smiles placing her hands on the bump that had slowly grown. "What about you Matilda? How are you? And no bullshitting"
"I'm okay" I nod convincingly making her look at me sceptical like I'm telling her a lie. Well I'm kinda lying to all of them.
"You sure?"
"I am" I whisper trying to convince myself but not only her. Am I okay? Maybe ... maybe not.
"Okay but I'm here if you need anything and I mean it" She places a kiss onto my cheek making me close my eyes to stop the tears from flowing. Snapping out of the comfort as I feel Miles come from behind me to go to his girlfriend who has me in her arms.
"Okay let's stop the sappy shit and let's open presents" I laugh at Miles' statement making him glance over to me with a concerned smile making me nod telling him not to worry even though I know he will talk to me when everyone else is busy.
As everyone begins to sit on the couch in the room with Christmas music humming in the background, I observe the scenes of my family that I have created in front of me, from Zayn who sat with his girl in his lap laughing at jokes he utters in her ear to Anne whose handing out the present that belongs to people.
"T, are you gonna open yours?" I ask shouting over at her on the couch as everyone is unwrapping their gifts
"You go first?" She looks up at me nervously making me nod, not thinking about what her reaction is for.
"Sure" As I situate the middle flat gift onto my lap I peel the wrapping paper off but my eyes run with tears as I look over the frame. There are many photos of me and her together and engraved onto the glass there is the saying 'everyone is lucky to have a best friend but I'm even luckier as my sister is mine'. I never really knew what type of relationship we had with each other, I thought we would change but having the time we had spent together it's like I hadn't left and everything was normal again but instead it wasn't just the two of us. We made a family who would always show us love. My dad and mum didn't matter at this moment, it was just us and that was enough.
"Please say something your making me anxious about your reaction" She mutters walking towards me from the seat she was sitting on.
"Oh Tia I love this so much, I love you so much" Tears fall as I embrace her to a hug not wanting to wait anymore time. Tia hugs makes me feel safe and protected even though she's seventeen she still means the world to me no matter what. She brings me the sense of home that I will never be able to forget.
"My turn!" She whispers and shouts, giving me a present that's wrapped in gold paper. My brows furrow into confusion as I open it to see a box but what's inside the box makes my eyes water. It's a good necklace with a heart saying 'forever'. This means that no matter what happens she's still gonna be there forever, no matter what. "No please don't cry" she says worriedly making me chuckle through the tears.
"I'm not, look all happy", wiping the tear marks away and smiling at her but only hearing her laugh at my actions. Looking around the room I see everyone smiling but yet the only gaze I feel on me is Harry's. This is not the Christmas that I had thought I was going to have with him but I guess no matter what happened between us we are still here together. That's all that matters.
We'll be alright
....
Harry
Sitting in the house with the people I call family makes the first Christmas without Em hard but yet a sense of comfort sits in the bottom of my stomach. There's still times where I'm looking around the room hoping she's going to be there but once I find out she's not, disappointment sits like a sour taste on my tongue. She would have loved the family that have built around but mostly she would have loved Matilda and her sister Tia. From the side of the room I can see how special Tia is to Matilda, making my heart ache that my younger sister is not here with me. Mum seems hesitant to talk to me since I left things on bad terms, I can tell she knows that there is something wrong between me and matilda as she keeps looking at the distance between us but I just shake my head at her hoping for her to forget, I just want Matilda to enjoy today and if that means ignoring my presence then that is fine. She needs the break and being around family will help, hopefully.
"Hey Harry, could we talk?" Miles comes up to me as I lean against the wall out of the way from the scene.
"Sure what's up?" I ask following him down the hallway to what I'm guessing is his room.
"How's she been?" My eyebrows crease at his question wondering why he's asking me.
"Who? Matilda?"
"Who do you think dumbass?" He rolls his eyes at my comment making me sigh not knowing what to tell him. He's my friend but he's also Matilda's. I can't just spill everything to him, it should be Matilda who tells him.
"She's been struggling and has been since I left but I asked her if it would be time to get help and she said that she will think about it. She won't talk to me and that is my fault, I know but I just can't shake the feeling that I have broken her more when I left." I sigh looking down at my feet wanting to distract myself from the feeling that I've disappointed everyone.
"And you didn't think of telling me this as soon as you felt like this?" Miles exclaimed, making me feel more guiltier than I had been.
"Well i'm sorry Miles but I wasn't really on speaking terms with her when I came back"
"No shit, you told me that you won't break her!" He points a finger in my direction with hurt twisted in his facial expressions making me want to disintegrate into the floor.
"I did but what I now know is that I break everything I touch" I lowly mutter, not catching the eyes of my girl's brotherly figure.
"You think?"
The silence makes me squirm on my feet not knowing the next conversation.
"You need to fix this" I hear miles mutter from the window.
"I know I do and I'm slowly am. You really think I wanted to spend christmas apart from her in here when all I want is nothing more to do is be attached to her at the hip but yet my actions that I take full responsibility over fucked that up. I only got back four days ago and I've opened up to her about everything, there's no secrets between me and her. She knows me better than anyone even myself and I fucked it but you know what?" I wonder while seeing Miles' eyes fit on me. "I would take it all back in a heartbeat. All of it. Leaving her, making her break more than she was, her having to cope with everything. Leaving her was like leaving a room full of oxygen, I was suffocating with the problems around me but when I was around her everything went quiet." I close my eyes in grief over the whole situation.
"Well you're certainly head over heels for her Styles." He laughs and I stare at him in silence not understanding what he means by the statement.
"I don't know what you mean but whatever we have it's just a shame that I fucked everything up-" My words get cut off by the speak of the devil Matilda herself. She looks in between me and Miles with confusion written all over her face.
"What's wrong tilda?"
"Oh right Anne said that dinner is ready"
"Okay we'll be out in a second, go back out there and get a seat before they all get taken up." He mumbles as she nods but I turn when she glances at me not wanting her to see my pained eyes.
"Yeah okay" She nods once the doors shut. I let out the breath that I kept in since she came.
"Harry, you need to fix this, I can't deal with seeing her walk on eggshells around people, especially you. I swear if you fuck this up any more than you already have done I will make sure that you will never see her again." Without another word he leaves the room making me just think for a few minutes by myself before I have to go and play with the happy family.
Walking through the hallway hearing the many laughs but only my girls stand out from the crowd. I see her sitting on the chair beside Tia with an empty one on the other side of her, whether that was left on purpose to me I can't seem to care. I walk around the table but see Zayn give me a concerned glance that makes me nod so the attention is away from me.
I'm beginning to hate attention and yet my real job provides a lot of it being the centre of it.
Sitting back and watching the family that we had all created makes me smile knowing that the family that I had means nothing except a distant memory. The first christmas after grief is supposed to be the hardest and it is to say the least you miss the small moments that happen nearly every year around the same time. No matter how many times I try to look for Em in the darkest corners she's not there and that's what I miss more than anything.
I debate over putting my hand comfortably onto Matildas thigh not knowing how she would take it but not even having a second to think over what i'm doing I place my hand over her thigh feeling her tense before glancing at me giving me a small smile before entering back into the conversation with the people around the table. She's next to me yet she feels like she's miles away from me, I miss her.
"Harry, what have you been up to these days?" Every person's attention turns to me as Abbie changes the topic. My body runs into a sense of panic not knowing what to say. I feel a hand on mine and then realise that it's Matilda who has held my hand hoping to give me a sense of comfort.
"Ruining the relationships around me while breaking stuff" I laugh awkwardly not knowing if it was the right thing to say making everyone around the table give me pitiful glances making sweat rise all over my body.
"I'm sorry excuse me" I stood up and walked to the bathroom but hearing someone else run after me.
I feel lost.
Lost is mainly the only emotion I continuously feel these days. No matter the day it always comes and finds me. I've always wondered what happens when I drown but knowing the truth of the situation makes me terrified that I'm slowly losing control. I put up walls for people to tear down making it easier for anyone and everyone to hurt me. The worlds my oyster but yet all I can think about is hiding away and isolating myself from the people who care about me. The world is against me making it feel like I'm on some sort of emotional battlefield.
"Harry" Matilda's timid voice comes from the door making me stand with my back towards her.
"Go enjoy the day Matilda i've already ruined enough" I mumble sadly making my eyes water with tears. I've always wondered what it would be like to let go of the one person that keeps you happy but what if I'm destroying that person. Maybe it's true, I slowly break everything I touch.
"What no that's not true" I hear her comforting voice come closer towards me, making my eyes water with tears from how much I miss what we had.
"It is though , break everything I touch" I sigh knowing it takes guts to admit it to the person you feel like you broke.
"Harry look at me please" I hear her voice tremble with emotion making me turn around. She walks towards me and cupping my jaw and angling my head towards her. "You haven't ruined everything. You haven't ruined me at least '' She smiles, "I know that it will take time from what happened but that doesn't mean you need to walk around me on eggshells. I don't know if it is what Abbie had said or what Miles had talked to you about before but I need you more now than ever. You haven't ruined anything there's supposed to be bumps in the road in a relationship, it just happens to come at shit timing." She kisses the tip of my nose making me savour the feeling of not knowing when we will get this close again.
"I really hope you know I apologise for everything Tilda baby, I regret it so much" I sigh sadly making her wipe a tear away that had fallen.
"I know but let's concentrate on the future rather than what has happened" She coos.
"I'm so sorry baby" I cry, making me put my head in the crook of her neck.
"I know, I know"
Standing in the empty bathroom where we find ourselves these days, I tighten my grip around her waist, afraid that if I let go then she'll slip through my fingers.
"Come on let's get back out there" She runs her hand through my hair making me breath out in comfort.
....
The rest of the evening I was quiet and I think everyone knew that something was bothering me but no one said anything which I'm grateful for. I ended up talking to my mum and we are on good terms again, I missed her, I'm not gonna lie. I am always a mummas boy and not having her there for me because I ruined yet another relationship was hard. I felt the pieces of me come back together slowly over the evening but still feel the same lost feeling that is always hiding somewhere. After me and Matilda exited the bathroom and back where everyone else was sitting she never left my side making me become more guilty for what I did.
"Harry baby you okay?" Matilda asks as we begin to enter our home.
"Yeah I just want to give you your presents now" I mutter feeling anxious about the gift I'm giving her, as I don't want to seem like and trying to win back her forgiveness even though she's somehow already forgiven me.
"Okay where do you want me?" She asks but walking towards the couch makes me nod as I leave her and walk into our room and hear the quiet 'meows' from the wardrobe. I kneel down slowly, opening the door and already in awe of the cat that I am giving to Matilda.
"Hey littlen you ready to meet you mumma?" I coo as I hold her in my arms. Slowly standing up stroke the cat hoping for the her to feel content in my arms. "Close your eyes," I shouted from the hallway.
"Ready" I walk around the corner to see her with her hands over her eyes with a smile on her face.
"Okay open" I settle down next to her but as soon as her eyes meet the little kitten in my arms she gasps.
"Oh Harry" I look up at her seeing her expression show nothing but awe.
"It's a girl and you can decide on a name" I whisper as I handed her the little animal.
"Panda" She whispers out, already knowing what to call.
"Panda I love it" I put my finger forward making Panda snuggle into it while she purrs in contentment.
"I've always wanted a cat but I just did not have the money to get one thank you so much" She whispers as I see her eyes gloss over with tears as she connects our gaze.
"Well you have got one now. Welcome to the family Panda"
Maybe if the relationship doesn't work out between Matilda and I at least she has someone who she won't be alone with.
....
Heyyy it's been a while.
Lifes been busy I've been grieving from a loved one who passed away and schools been busy as I've had exams so it's all have been a bit hectic. I needed the break from everything not just from writing in general. I have loved writing Matilda but unfortunately it had overtime became a chore rather than a hobby to be enjoyable.
Ive got many plans for the future but just please remember to hug your loved ones as you don't know when they are going to go.
I'm back and ready to update more often. Thank you all for being patient with me I really appreciate it and I hope you love Matilda as much as I do.
Merry Christmas and I hope you all have a wonderful day. Thank you all for the support.
Love Lottie <3