Theme: Angsty with an appetizer of fluff!
TW: Mentions of suicide/wishes of being dead? No commiting tho
Note: This is kinda jumpy, more internal dialogue? I keep doing things like this w/ these ships... i'm sorry... My creativity is lagging :'>
i'm being so repetitive
this is basically rewriting my 'I couldn't, I thought I would lose you too' (masanemi/sanekana/sanegiyuu), excluding the sanegiyuu, though.. dammit (i loved writing that one+this one a lot tho :3)
×××
It wasn't easy to be a demon slayer, of course. No, why would it be?
But Masachika made it almost... enjoyable. He made it feel like it wasn't some suicide mission 24/7, as if Sanemi could actually have a life despite everything he'd gone through. And because of that, Sanemi fell in love with the Demon Slayer, finding himself looking forward to getting back from his missions, having the will to actually fight.
Before, it was the complete opposite. Before, he felt like he wanted to die, like he was willing to throw away his life because he had nothing to live for, nothing to keep going and fighting for.
It was alright now, though. He was happy. He felt content.
Albeit he wasn't perfectly fine, it was much better now. Sure, Masachika wasn't god, he couldn't change the world to make things perfect. But he was so close to one, he could make Sanemi feel infinitely better with a single smile, a laugh, a spoken comfort.
Of course, nothing ever stays the same. If it did, Sanemi would be at home right now, helping his mother make dinner. He would've been berating his siblings for throwing their laundry everywhere and buying groceries with Genya.
If things stayed the same, Masachika would've been alive. He would've been by Sanemi's side, would've been a Hashira with him, would've lived.
But he was dead. It was too late.
And now Sanemi was alone again, by himself. He didn't know why. How had this happened?
He remembered something his mother had told him a long time ago, when Sanemi's father had died. She'd told him something he could vaguely recall, something that had been a sort of comfort?
"It's alright. We'll get through it together. You and I together, yes? We will do it, no matter what may detain us. Don't worry. It'll be okay."
It hadn't been that significant. Anyone could say that, anyone could lie. But Sanemi remembered the emotions he'd felt afterwards. He'd felt reassured. Of course, he wasn't exactly certain that it'd be alright, but he'd felt suddenly empowered enough by her words. Not because of the words themself, really, more because of her tone. It was soothing, a calm note. She was staying calm for him, for the children. So they would work together without worry.
Together.
There was no together.
Everyone was gone.
Sanemi was alone.
But just as suddenly as he was, he was not. Someone had burst through the barriers he'd so obviously put up, trying to keep them out, not wanting to be comforted. To be... happy. Being happy would make him sad again. Caring about people would make it easier to fall in a pit of depression once they were gone. It was a cycle.
Kanae was there now. Her smile was like Masachika's. Full of energy and enthusiasm, no matter the situation. She gave off a reassuring aura, she was kind. She was as unlike Sanemi as she could ever be.
Although she was like Masachika, she was her own person as well. And Sanemi put his heart and soul into telling himself that so he wouldn't fall for her.
Just because she was like Masachika didn't mean she was him. Didn't mean he should love her too.
But it wasn't that easy, was it? He loved her too.
At first, he thought it was about Masachika's resemblance to her. He refused to love her for a long time.
It wasn't until she spoke to him once, alone, it'd been cold and rainy. They had huddled up in a small shelter that had been nearby; the rain had been too harsh for them to be able to walk freely about.
She had whispered to him then, her tone barely audible over the rushing sound of water.
"I love you, Shinazugawa," she had said.
He didn't know where it had come from. Perhaps the rain was getting to her? He pretended to not have heard her. His heart pounded and his cheeks were flushed hot despite the biting cold air.
And then she smiled and his eyes widened, taking in the sight of her. She was dripping with water, her hair plastered against her face, she was shivering from the cold. But she looked like an angel and... she was beautiful.
He was in love with her.
Eventually, they started dating. He confessed that he'd heard her that day, he told her he felt the same for her. She had embraced him in her arms, then, she had loved him so dearly as he had loved her.
But it was only for an instant.
It didn't last long enough.
Her arms fell limply to the side, her eyes lifeless. Dead.
He was alone once more. All alone.
He had nothing. Nobody.
He passed through his life like a robot, programmed to do this just to be useful.
He no longer cared.
Every day went the same. All the same.
Missions, training, eating, sleeping, missions, training, eating, sleeping.
Occasional blips in the cycle brought him doing other things.
There was a demon girl accepted alive.
Did it matter? Yes, yes it did. But he didn't let it matter for long. Whatever. If Masters says, his word is what is taken.
Sanemi found himself almost in a daze as he stumbled through his life—although he could hardly call it life when he barely felt alive.
It was stupid. All of this was.
He was almost exasperated with the fact that people still tried to live. Tried to be happy when happy only lasted for a short amount of time. It was forced, it wasn't true.
It would go away eventually.
He wished he would go away with it, often. He wished that he had died alongside Masachika, had died before hearing the news of Kanae's death. He wished he'd let his mother kill him too. He wished he could go back to when the worst thing he could think of was a small meal that day, giving the rest to his siblings. Not when it was losing someone. Again, and again, and again.
He couldn't take it anymore.
But he couldn't die either.
He would just wait it out.
Keep going until he took his last breath. Until he could be happy again.
×××
« Word count: 1082 »
ngl idk what i'm doing so you're welcome to chastise me for writing this piece of shit
<33
chacha's mad at me for not doing my homework
fuck