Kian
"Kian, you need to tell Bridger," Jenna says softly as I stare at myself in the mirror. My shirt is rolled up to my chest and my belly is out. Sometimes, when I let myself imagine that everything is okay and I'm not crazy, I wish for a bigger belly to show off.
"Why am I so small?" I ask, "and the pup barely moves."
"The healers say you're healthy and your Angel file would have stated otherwise," Jenna reasons, "but you need to tell Bridger. You said it's been roughly four months since you and Bridger...but that means that you're to give birth very soon. I had Hal when I was nearing six months. It is unfair to a good man like Bridger."
I look over at Hailey who's lying on her back on my bed. She has a teething toy in her hand as she lazily kicks her fat legs in the air. Humming to herself, she makes grabby hands at nothing in particular. Hailey is already five months now. She eats applesauce and mashed potatoes and can scream at someone when they're not paying her any attention. For some reason, she's grown attached to Vic which I don't like, but Jenna doesn't seem to mind as she needs someone to watch her baby while she's training as an iota. She trusts Vic and I do too, even though I don't really like him.
"I'm going to tell him," I say defensively, "I'm not hiding it."
Jenna looks at me through the mirror. She knows what I'm not telling her, but she doesn't say anything. I'm grateful. I love Jenna, but I really wish Peyton was here with me. He had seen me through my other two pregnancies and I just really want him here with me now to help me stop being so crazy. He was the wolf I didn't have and while he had his own trauma that he never got to work through, he was there for me. He would understand me better, too. If the entire world went against me, Peyton would be there too. Peyton was always there.
I turn back to face the mirror. I close my eyes, placing my hand against my stomach. I don't want to cry so I focus hard on the little one inside. I can hear the heartbeat. It's strong and fast. Dathump-dathump-dathump.
There is a baby inside my belly right now who is alive with a strong heartbeat and will be ready to come out very soon. And this pup is mine and will not be taken away from me ever. I will hold my pup; my pup will eat from me; I will take care of my pup.
'No one is taking my pup' I don't realize I've said it aloud until I catch Jenna quick movement as she rises.
"Kian," Jenna snaps me out of my thoughts. It's then that I realize the growling and a yellow tint in my dark eyes. "Call Bridger right now."
I look at her through the mirror. Her green eyes pierce through me and hold me still as she stands. She has my phone in her hand and I wonder how she got it since I swear I had it in my pocket.
I don't say anything to her as I stare at my reflection. I can imagine my pup inside my belly; curled up with its eyes closed, ready to come out and meet me. I used to do this a lot when I was pregnant with the girls. I liked them in my belly because for those short months, they belonged solely to me and no one else. They relied solely on me and they loved me because I was all they knew. And I loved them. I loved them so much.
"Kian."
"Jenna–"
"Bridger. Now," she wiggles my phone in front of her. "There's no reason you should be hiding this from him. I have been on your side all these months and I still am, but whatever this is, it's getting out of hand. No one can hurt you now."
"He's busy," I don't mean to snap at her, but she's making me nervous. She wouldn't try to take my pup away from me, would she? No, no, she knows what that's like. She would never do that to me, right?
"Not too busy to learn that he's about to become a father, I'm sure."
I cross my arms. "I'm going to tell him."
"Now," she pushes. Her mood switch makes Hailey shift suddenly. She drops her teething toy on her face which startles and upsets her. She balls her little hands up and prepares to cry but Jenna simply grabs the toy off of her face and puts it back in her hand.
"I can't," I say.
"Kian, Bridger isn't going to take your pup away from you," her voice is soft again, "he's not and you know that. Bridger is an amazing man and it's unfair to him that you're hiding this! I know it's scary, Kian, Goddess, I know," her voice cracks, "but please don't...don't let this ruin you. I don't know if Bridger wants to be a father, but he's not like James or Jason; he loves you. And you love him, right?"
Yes, I love Bridger, that shouldn't be in question. Bridger makes me happy that I was born an omega; to be able to feel deeper and love harder. I want to take care of him the way he has taken care of me. But it's my stupid, crazy mind that tells me these scary thoughts. There's just this overwhelming, stupid fear that sits in the pit of my stomach, wrapping itself around my pup and telling me that I need to protect myself and what's mine; I need to protect my pup not from Bridger, but from what he is and what he's capable of.
"I will tell him," I say and it isn't a whole lie. It's just not the truth either. I will tell Bridger. Just not now, or tomorrow. But I will.
"Now--"
"No!" I slap the phone she wiggles in my face out of her hand. She gasps and jerks her hand back as my phone thumps against the ground.
We're silent for a while, shock coursing through my body as I try to grasp onto exactly what I just did. I back away from Jenna as she does me, our eyes meeting.
"You--" I shake my head and ball my fists at my side, "you don't get to just tell me what to do with my pup, Jenna. Stop it! Just-- stop it."
"I'm sorry, Kian," Jenna says quietly, shaking her head, "I was just--"
I point at my bedroom door, my chest rising up and down as my throat burns. I feel like I'm suffocating. "Please, get out."
She scoops Hailey into her arms. As she leaves, she sends a worried glance my way before quietly apologizing and leaving.
As soon as she leaves my room, I collapse against my bed. I open my mouth to release a rush of air but it comes out jagged. I try to breathe in again, but something blocks it and I find myself hyperventilating while I grasp at my chest. My body shakes as tears burn my eyes. Guilt swarms me for scaring Jenna, but I'm terrified myself. I'm so scared and though I know everyone is on my side, I feel utterly alone. I want Bridger to know -- I desperately do. But how do I explain to anyone that, no matter how badly I want Bridger here to take care of me during this time, my own body and mind keep me from telling him?
Peyton would understand. He would. He'd see me not as a man who is trying to hide from another man he loves, but instead, as the pup who had everything ripped away from him.
----flashback
Peyton told me he was thirteen when he had his first pup. He told me that it wasn't hard and that I've been through worse things in my life. I guess that's true, but I'm scared now and no one else is helping me. He told me it hurts but sometimes you get a pain killer and it helps but it still hurts.
Alpha James and his mate have decided to name the pup Avery. I like that name even though I know they don't care if I like it or not. It's not like I'll be using the name, she'll be gone before I can even whisper it to her. They used me because Alpha James's mate keeps giving him non-alpha pups -- his genes would fit better with mine, according to the healers. His genes would easily dominate my omega genes and I'd give him an alpha pup which is exactly what happened.
It makes me sad. I know omegas are only good for having pups, but if we have to have pups, why can't we have our own? Maybe it's because we're too stupid to understand taking care of pups, but I know if they taught us, we would be very good! I have proof: an omega has a mate here and he gets to take care of his pups because he belongs to his mate and his mate makes him. If he can take care of his pups, why can't I?
Zeta Jason says he's my mate. When I dreamed of mates, I thought mine would tell me he loves me and hold me when I'm scared. I didn't think he'd be the one to make me feel unloved...to make me feel scared every second of the day. Jason...he hurts me badly if I so much as look at his brother who lives with us in a bad way. He slaps me and tells me to stop being a 'slut', that I am his and I shouldn't look at his brother. But I don't mean to, honestly. I don't even want his brother like that, but he doesn't believe me. The only good thing about being his mate is that he told me that I'd be having all his pups. The process of making those pups is excruciating but I know that I'd love taking care of them. Peyton hates when I say that because he thinks I'm agreeing with everyone that omegas are meant to be nothing but birthers; that I downgrade omegas to such a "low standard". Peyton thinks that I'm stupid for wanting to carry Jason's pups. But all I want to be is a parent, I just can't. But after this, with Zeta Jason, I will be able to! I can get through sex and then a few months later, I will be with a pup of my own!
That thought itself is what keeps me calm as I lie in the uncomfortable bed in the clinic. They have me hooked up to all these machines and every now and then, an iota will run in to ask if I'm feeling okay. It feels nice to have someone care about me even though I know it's their job and they couldn't care less if I died as long as Avery survives. They told me they were "inducing" my labor since Avery had been in for too long. My water broke not too long ago and besides the occasional cramp in my stomach, nothing has happened. Except the cramps are getting more frequent and more painful and there's a weight now on my midsection. There's also pain in my stomach, but I can't tell if it's because of the bruise there or because of the labor.
I move, grunting when sudden pain shoots up my back and spreads around my middle section. Curling my toes, I gasp and stiffen and close my eyes tight. That really hurt...I've never felt anything like that. It lasts for a few seconds before I can relax, but not long after that one, another one comes. It hurts worse this time and I tense, not wanting to make a sound to annoy Jason but it hurts so much.
Jason gets up and for a second the pain disappears as fear floods everything in my body. Did I annoy him? Is he going to hit me now? I close my eyes tight, but the pain never comes. He doesn't even glance at me as he disappears outside for just a few seconds before a bunch of iotas come running it.
Suddenly everyone is touching me and I raise my arms to make them stop but they don't stop. Someone is grabbing my legs and holding them up while another person is forcing me to slide down. I don't know what's happening.
I freak out. The heart machine makes fast beeping sounds as I kick my legs at anyone I can and flail my arms as I try to slide back up. Peyton didn't tell me the iotas would attack me at random like this.
"Get him to stop fighting," someone says, "he'll stress the Alpha's pup."
I just want them to tell me what they're doing! I don't understand why they all have to touch me everywhere. I don't want to hurt the pup, but I don't want them to hurt me either. I just want them to stop for a second! I just want to breathe.
They don't stop touching me even when I start crying and begging. The cramps hurt terribly and I'm terrified. I scream when someone begins to touch me in my warm places and I barely glimpse a theta before he sits down between my legs. I can feel his fingers in places I don't even like when Jason touches.
It's hard to fight against all these people and be in so much pain at the same time. I give up and just slump against the bed while they hold my arms and legs. The heart machine is still going fast but I can't tell if it's the baby or me. I'm already exhausted and it's my fault for freaking out. Now will I be able to successfully have the pup if I'm so tired?
"On the next contraction, push," the theta who I can't see says. His fingers are still on me.
I do as he says. It hurts so bad, I feel like I might pass out but somehow I stay awake even when black spots start to dot my vision. The iotas tell me to stop screaming but I can't. The pain turns into a burning sensation and I feel like my entire body is about to split in half and burn to ash.
I don't know how long it lasts, but eventually the burning stops and I can feel something fall out of me followed by a loud screaming that couldn't come from anyone but a pup.
"Can I see her?" I ask immediately. I sit up but they push me back down.
I can see the theta holding the pup up. She has nasty stuff all over her and her body is spread wide as she screams loudly. She's pink, that's all I can see.
"Please, can I–"
"Shut up, omega," someone says.
The theta carries the pup away and they all leave me except one who types something on a computer. I can still hear her crying, screaming down the hall as she's taken from me. I knew this was going to happen, but it still hurts. It hurts so bad.
It hurts even more when I'm back at Jason's father's house with an empty tummy and no one to talk to. The days were easier to get through when my little being was inside my tummy. I could whisper to her and pretend that life wasn't as bad as it really was. Now, I feel so lost and empty. They had taken her away so fast, that it's almost hard to believe it even happened at all. But my body remembers; it was prepared to care for a pup. My body was prepared to feed my pup and bond with her. It hurts so much all over as my body and mind ache to hold my daughter against my skin. But I can't and it makes me so angry and sad that all I can do is cry. I can't sleep, I can't eat -- I just want someone to take the pain away.
All I can hear is the praise that pack gives to Alpha James and his luna everytime they parade Avery around as if she carried and birthed her instead of me. She doesn't know what it feels like to have too much milk that it hurts, to feel empty inside, or to mourn something you knew you could never have.
They will never know.
---flashback
I wake up with a start. My pillow is wet and when I open my eyes to touch my face, I notice that I'm crying. I sit up in my bed and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. It's pitch dark in my room and as I look around, I suddenly want Bridger. It's not like I haven't been wanting Bridger with me, it's just now the want is almost overwhelming.
And the want is followed by intense guilt. The same guilt I passed out with hours before. I don't want to cry, but the urge is too strong and before I know it, I'm quietly sobbing in my bed. Everything right now is just far too overwhelming and I don't know how to handle anything. My pack's progress is suddenly moving very quickly, I feel like it could slip out from under my feet if I don't run faster. And I'm pregnant and the due date is soon and Bridger isn't here to help me because of my stupidity. And Peyton is missing and James and Jason took Keira and Arron's pack is hunting him down. And I have to meet demigods tomorrow.
It's all too stressful and I want everything to shut up in my head so I can figure out what to focus on first. I don't know what to think about because everytime I think of one thing, another issue shows up too. Then they all swarm around my head and everything is too loud. And I have to think about everything because everything is important to me.
I grab my phone. I glance the time as I go to the call button: 3:15 AM. I have a missed call from Bridger at 10 PM. My thumb hovers over Bridger's name. Should I call him? He must be tired from everything he's been doing and I don't want to bother him with my own problems.
I squeeze my phone in my hand.
He told me to always call him when I need him and that he'd do the same for me. We're in a relationship and we have to rely on each other. But what if I rely on him too much? I need to learn to take care of myself.
I want to shout. I want to pull my hair out. I want to squeeze my eyes so tight that I stay asleep forever so I can finally be at peace.
I call him.
It rings for a few seconds before he picks up. His breathing is deep from sleep and for a second, I think he fell back to sleep before he says,
"Kian?"
"Bridger," I say as my eyes begin to sting again, "Bridger, I'm– I need you here now. I want to see your face a-a-and I need to talk to you, please, Bridger. I'm so scared and I'm so stupid and– I just need you, Bridger. Please. I need you."
"Kian, I–" he pauses, "I– fine. I'm on my way. I'll be there."
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Word Count: 3329
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