Freen apologized multiple times to me after that night. She did everything she could, buy me flowers, write me handwritten letters, spoil me with all the things I love and pick me up before and after school. She didn't fail to fill in the lapses she had, instead she keep showering me with love that I yearned for, the same love she always give me.
But the cycle repeated, she will come home late, forget important dates, apologize, then everything gets back to normal. Then it will repeat again. Like a broken record playing on the stereo which you cannot change because it is broken and all you have to do is listen to the same rhythm over and over again. She was there physically, but her mental capacities to connect with me is absent. She was somewhere else, somewhere in the depths of her mind in close barricaded doors. I cannot come in, I cannot read her, she was too secluded... To far away.
I sat on the shed outside the school waiting for Freen to pick me up again. She promised, she promised she would take me home but she didn't show up. And it's too late to call a cab, and Irin is already too burden to ask her to come get me. So I sat on the side road with my head leaning on my cross shoulders as I silently sob in the silent night. She promised she would take me home and we'll cuddle together, she promised. She promised.
My faint sobs grow louder, the heavy ache of my heart increases, like i've been stab a million times... The only problem is that this scars cannot be mended by medicines and gauges. It's way more than that.
"Ma'am, are you alright?" The guard prompted, he probably notice me waiting for quite a long time in here. " You've been here for almost two hours now, are you sure your chauffeur would come pick you up?" He asked.
I raised my head wiping the tears in my cheeks before smiling. " I'm sure she'll come pick me up. She'll be here any minute." I replied trying to convince him, but it's the other way around. More like i'm convincing myself that she will come.
"Okay then i'll wait here with you for your driver ma'am." He retorted and I just nodded in agreement.
The guard sat a few sits away from me as I waited for Freen. But after another hour of waiting she still hasn't showed up, and it started lashing.
"Ma'am... Let's go inside, your gonna get sick if you stay here." The guard said striding next to me. But I shook my head, I wanna get soak in the rain, I don't care, it's easier to get sick than be this heart sick person. I don't like it. After a few attempts of bringing me inside, the guard give up and offered me an umbrella so I won't be wet but I didn use it, instead I just sat there leaning my face on my cross arms prompting on my knees as the tears didn't stop falling.
It fall with the rain, the rain cried with me like it carry the same vigor of pain I have in my heart. It was heavy, the splashing of the raindrops on the roads make an enormous bizarre sound that hit my ears.
And I sat there... Broken, fragile, crumpled, and in pain. " You promised Freen! You promised!" I whispered before a figure approached my direction.
"Bec?" It was Nam getting out her car, an umbrella on her right hand, rushing over me. " Nong Bec! What are you doing here! What happened?" She asked but I am too tired to utter a word, so I sob, and that's when she notice I was crying.
"P-P'Nam..." Her eyes were weary, she held me like i'm a fragile box.
"Shit! Nong it's okay! I'm here na! I'll take you home. I promised I'll take you home. Let's go na ka?" She lift me up guiding my body towards the passenger sit, I shivered under the cold breeze of her AC and my body started to shake. " Nong i'll turn off the aircon now... I'm sorry na." She whispered and I nodded in agreement. She wrapped her coat on my body locking it safely on my chest as I feel the warm heat of it pulling my goosebumps away.
"I don't wanna be home." I whispered, she shoot a glance at me, contemplating if she heard the right word.
" What Nong?"
"Take me away from home. I don't wanna be home and be lonely again." My sobs were quick and raged, it mirrors the pain in my chest.
"Okay i'll take you on my apartment na ka. " She whispered. Then I heard her dial someone on her phone but it was unreachable, I think it was Freen. " Fuck it Sarocha!" She exclaimed before my eyes started to close.
//
I woke up on the couch, an unfamiliar couch, a photo place on the counter top which I assume is P'Nam's, since it resembles her. I examined myself only to find out I was wrapped in a tight blanket and a pyjamas now. Did P'Nam changed my clothes? How did she carry me here?
I prompted my feet on the floor feeling the cold marble tiles hitting my feet, it made me shiver. I walked around the house to find the kitchen since my stomach feels so empty and the ringing on my head is so worst, it made me dizzy, but when I reached the kitchen it made me regret trying to even make it here.
Sitting on the table is Freen, across her is Nam and they were both engaged in a heated talk, the tension in the air is dry, like there is a hidden silence flying around the atmosphere.
" Babe! I'm glad your safe! I'm so sorry." Freen's arms wound over my waist pulling me in into a tight hug as her scent invaded my airways. It's the scent I miss, it's the scent i've been longing to smell again. But I have to be stern to make Freen realize that i'm not okay with this usual cycle going round in between us. When her finger touched me skin, I flinched step back and pull away from the hug, and that made her posses pain.
P'Nam seems to notice my discomfort so she chimed in. "Oi Nong, your awake na... How are you feeling?" She touched my forehead to cheek my temperature.
"I'm good Phi. I'm just hungry." I replied.
"I can prepare your dinner na. It's so late and you have to eat." P'Nam was about to prepare my meal when Freen stopped her.
"I'll do it P'Nam."
"I don't want you to." I prompted and Freen raised her brows.
"What?"
"I said I don't want you to do it. The least that I wanted now is to get help from you." I replied, P'Nam looks like she don't want to be involve in the marriage conflicts so she rushed over what she was doing and place the plate on the table beckoning me to sit.
"Thanks P'Nam."
"Sure na... I'm off to my room now, I bet the two of you got some things to settle. Call me when you need something okay?" I nodded, then P'Nam disappeared from the kitchen.
And the atmosphere was cold.
The tension rises.
Raged of anger and madness increases, which is obviously a product of my rage.
"Babe... I'm so sorry. I didn't —"
"You didn't mean to forget that you promised to pick me up AGAIN. Yeah Freen I know." I interjected cutting off her explanation, it's always the same anyway.
"I know Freen! You keep forgetting important dates! Promises! Birthdays! And things you should fulfill because you are my wife and I am dependant on you when it comes to things! Yet you keep ditching me! You keep disappearing! You keep shutting me out! The last few weeks i've been very understanding about all your excuses and I didn't got a say to it! But now what Freen! What again! What your reason now?" I yelled. The pitch of my voice rises as I glared at her who guiltily fidget with her fingers.
"I'm so done with your excuses Freen! What happened? Are you hiding something from me?" She remained silent. " Damn it Sarocha! What! Speak now! What's your reason why you ditched me again tonight? How many nights would I wait for you and your broken promises again? How many!" She swallowed a bit as tears started forming on her eyes.
"I am from D-dasha's." The mention of her name left a ring on my ears, it made my inner demons explode like I wanted to kill someone. My fist clench and I can feel my knuckles turn pale.
"Dasha? Again? So was it Dasha from the beginning? Was she the reason?" I coldly asked.
She nodded and whispered. " I'm sorry!" Then tears fall off her face. "I'm sorry babe, I was a horrible wife. I-i—"
"You fucking stop Freen! Stop playing the victim here! So that's why you keep on ditching me because of Dasha? Failed dates because of Dasha? Broken promises because of Dasha? Building greater walls because of Dasha again! Fucking Dasha Freen! Dasha here Dasha there! Why don't you just fucking marry her instead of me! You could have run away but you didn't! You married me Freen fuck it!" I screamed at her face pushing her chest as she stumbled backwards. " Fuck you!"
"I'm sorry Becky! I didn't mean to! I love you Becky! So much! I never regret marrying you! I only want you Becky!" She replied with the same maximum voice I possess.
"You can't want two person at the same time Freen! Your saying you want me but your actions are swaying your words biting it in the butt! You want me yes, I should be happy about that. But why do I feel like i'm losing you!" I screamed. " It's because of Dasha! She came around wanting to take you away from me blaming me about how your relationship failed! Blaming me of the things I didn't even do and wasn't even accountable for! You envy her, you hated her for years and now your stumbling back into her feet? What's up with you Freen? Are you that stupid? Huh!" She clenched her jaw, I know I went overboard but I could care less. " You know what! Fuck you Freen! Fuck Dasha! You should just go back there and be with here! Marry her inst—"
"I'M SO SORRY!" She screamed before breaking down to her knees. " Do you think it's easy for me to go back and forth between you and her? I really wanted to be with you all the time but Dasha's condition isn't helping, do you think it's easy for me to watched how she slowly weakens everyday? Do you think I never thought of you and how you might feel if I tell you this? Becky everytime I think about you! I freaking think about my wife! Your my world Becky! But my conscience won't let me sleep at night." She said in between sobs.
And the next words she say made my world stop spinning.
"Dasha have cancer Becky. She only have one month to live."