There was no height, nor depth, capable of exceeding my struggle.
In all my years, I couldn't begin to measure how difficult this evening had been for me; containing my true feelings for Barbara over the last few hours had become an athletic sport... and I was no athlete. Every touch, every word, or sigh of her lips, rendered me all the more powerless.
I abandoned logic and my better judgment. I ached to consume her, just as the night before. She made me so weak.
But I may have just ruined everything.
She was looking at me as though I were crazy. And at this point, maybe it wasn't out of the realm of possibility. Twenty-five years was a long time to wait on the woman you loved; only God knows the kind of toll it takes. Whatever those implications were, I was losing the will-power to keep my feelings at bay, and the real me was slowly emerging.
... A man she didn't recognize.
It hurt me to think that she had no memory of our encounters in high school. I knew her childhood was traumatic, to say the least, but how she could completely erase me from her memory banks, I couldn't fully understand. To be fair though, much of her mind was occupied with that monster who sexually abused her, and who could blame her? If she chose to throw away that section of her life then, all the better. She needed to take any means necessary to heal from her trauma, even if it meant forgetting me.
However, she was probably not too concerned with the short, lanky fellow from high school. I had confessed my love and she was... not taking it well. Barbara was speechless.
Embers of disbelief burned through the haze that had left her eyes cloudy and drunken. "You don't have to do that." Her voice trembled beneath a certain shyness, partly embarrassed. Did she think I was playing along with a silly assumption of hers? Because I wasn't.
"Do what?"
"This." My Love didn't quite know how to put it yet, darting her big, delicate eyes around the room. Then, composing herself, she sweetly tapped me on the arm. She'd molded her disbelief into something stronger, something to assure me with. "It's okay, really. We can put this behind us."
I should have seen that coming.
"Barbara—."
"—And just so you know, you weren't supposed to see my arm. I didn't plan for that."
Just as I suspected, she thought I was attempting some type of heroics to satisfy my own ego. Whether it was her ex fiancé, Glen, or another low-life she'd dated, someone had manipulated her into thinking this way, and I had my suspicions, but one thing I knew for sure was that she did not need me or any man to be happy. I hoped she realized that. And while it may have been true that I felt a deep responsibility to protect her from the Shaw's, I couldn't save her from past traumas. Only God could take away that pain. And she had to let Him.
To be clear, Barbara wasn't my project. I loved her because there was no one else like her in the world.
"I know you didn't."
"Okay, good." She pulled away, fixing her posture, and took a deep breath to gain some sensibility. "Then I'm letting you off the hook."
The only reason Barbara would feel the need to "drop the charges" would be because she felt I had wronged her. Or I had overstepped my bounds. Admitting how I felt about her couldn't have been the crime she painted it to be... could it?
"For what?"
She closed her eyes in frustration, turning a cheek. "I'm trying to do you a favor, Johnathan. I'm giving you an out."
Oh, how very wrong she was.
"But I don't want one."
A crimson fog lapped the edges of her face. "And I don't want you to feel sorry for me, so let's just pretend this never happened, okay?" Her tone was stern and dismissive. "We can go our separate ways and live our lives. How about that?"
"I don't think you understand. I meant what I said. I do love you."
"No, Johnathan, you're mistaken." She shook her head. The rims of her eyes brightened to a light pink. Tears dangled on the edge. "You're not in love with me. You're just trying to... fix me, and you can't."
Truth be told, this wasn't actually about me or how I felt. She denied my declaration because her self-worth had been tarnished. Instead of convincing her that I loved her, I needed to convince her that she was loveable on all spectrums—with or without me.
So, I just had to be honest with her.
The good thing about being a Giacchino, you were almost always impulsive. You acted on instincts and didn't let the cares of others dictate your decision making. I knew the risks of laying a hand on her. I knew, from experience, how delicate she could be. But I wasn't going to let that stop me.
Reaching, slow and steady, I sunk my fingers gently into her arm, into the soft flesh right beneath her shoulder. She eyed my hand defensively, but still, I caressed My Love with smooth, tender circles. Barbara needed to know my intentions, and that my touch did not equal harm or danger. Because more than anything, I wanted her trust.
In a low voice, I leaned close and whispered, "I really want to kiss you right now; I've wanted to all evening. Because you're just... irresistible."
Silently, she wrestled with my confession, startled and somewhat embarrassed, yet was unable to break eye contact with me. There was a lingering sense of doubt in the air between us that I vowed to vanquish. I could only imagine how low her self-esteem actually was. But before this night was over, she was going to realize how maddening her beauty and character were to me.
"I want to protect you. I wanna hold you close to me and see you smile. Make you laugh. Touch you. Feel you. So yeah... I think I am in love with you, babe."
Her lips parted, desirous of mine, I hoped.
Carefully, I introduced my other hand to her, lacing my fingers with her long, blonde hair. She didn't seem to mind, but I was looking for something. Trailing my extremities down, lower and lower, I found her impeccably smooth skin. On her back I drew infinity circles until the chill bumps poked through. I think she liked it.
Suddenly, her chest was falling and rising at a rapid pace. Barbara's dainty blue eyes dropped to my lips. But in an instant, she looked away. A cloud of confusion was over top of her, and she couldn't shake it off. Her mind was her worst enemy. She struggled to accept the way I felt about her.
In time, I would help her see. I was willing to do anything to prove my love, that she may never doubt herself again.
"But... why?" A breath was clenched in her chest, echoing disbelief. "How?"
Why did I love her? How could I?
That was easy.
"Because you're everything I've always wanted, Barbara. You're humble, sweet. Soft. You're very intelligent and frankly... the most gorgeous woman I've ever laid eyes on."
Finally, a smile cracked open, and I saw those beautiful white teeth grinning at me, cheek to cheek. The sight was comforting. Her warmth was a shelter and a refuge for my battle-torn heart.
She giggled. It was honestly the most perfect sound on earth. I thanked God for this moment.
A lone tear ran down her cheek, but she caught it quickly with a finger. Were those happy tears?
"Well... you're not too bad yourself."
It felt like a dream was coming true. All the nights I had lied awake in bed, missing her, wanting her, evaporated with that one smile.
Biting her lip, she pressed her hand into my chest, softly exploring me. She followed the fine contours and divots that sculpted me into a man.
I was melting. Caving. Her touch did wild things to me.
I had to pace myself though. A feral beast was still living on the inside, and it wanted to devour her. But she didn't know who I was. Not fully.
My Love wandered around me in the most precious way. Somehow I knew I was the first man she was ever this comfortable with.
Our eyes were locked. I was searching her very soul, as she was mine. Anticipation put our hearts on a cord, reeling us closer to one another. It seemed obvious to me; she wanted the same thing that I did... but I wasn't sure if she were ready for it.
Taking a risk, I gently wrapped an arm around her waist. She was so small, delicate, and thin, but so perfect. I pulled her close and buried my face in her neck, just below the ear. Like a pet, I nuzzled against her. I smelled the sweet aroma rising from her skin. She was incredible. The wait for her was tremendous but so worth it. I would do it all over again.
"I need you, Barbara."
... Like air.
I kissed her softly, igniting a gasp. Did she not expect that? Or did it feel so good, she had to catch her breath? My one goal in life was to satisfy her beyond words. She deserved pleasures untold. And if she let me, I would see that she experienced them all.
In the tethers of my lips, her leafy form trembled, but just for a moment. She held onto me tightly, boring her nails through my shirt. We were magnetic. We were working together to get closer, she was dipping her head back, and moaning, and I was sucking her skin. It was amazing.
It was overwhelming. I had never felt like this before. I was a prisoner to Barbara; a willing slave to her love.
Kissing her more, I pursued any space of skin uncovered. Her neck, her check, her collarbone. Anywhere. She was sweet as honey yet refreshing and ginger-like. How could I tame myself? The woman gave me an edge without even trying. I was addicted to her. I was in complete surrender to her touch.
... But this was just a tease. A small taste.
Breathing her scent, my younger self sighed. She smelled exactly how she did all those years ago; like cherry blossoms blooming in the spring. She was utter perfection.
I must have kissed every inch of her. And I was determined to do it again.
"Johnathan...."
I met her gaze. Did she want me to stop? I didn't mean to get carried away, if I did; I'd learned my lesson last time. "I'm sorry."
She wasn't scared, though. But there was something familiar staring back at me, no matter how careful I was not to mistake my own desires for hers. To my shock, I saw the same lustful intent in her eyes.
"I... have to...."
"What?"
One moment, she was rubbing my back, and the next, she was cupping my face, gently stroking the skin beneath my beard. Barbara, My Love. She was impossibly tender and I was feeble, completely at her mercy. I was so full of desire for her; so hungry to eat her whole and revel in her taste. My Giacchino instincts would not lie down for long.
But I only had to be patient. Because she was at war, too... and I could feel it in my bones; soon, she was going to lose.
Suddenly, our mouths collided. My heart stopped and restarted in a frantic rhythm, wholly reliant on the woman pulling my strings. I moaned as the blood rushed straight through me. I was hard. God, was I ever. And she didn't have a clue.
She kissed me passionately and held nothing back. Her tongue rolled into mine. It was rough and deep, and wild. I was lost in her. I was going mad trying to contain myself.
She pulled away.
"I have to tell you something." She panted on my lips. I panted on hers.
"You can tell me anything, Barbara."
"I haven't been... willingly intimate with a man before."
Listening to her story closely, I gave her back long, loving strides with my extremities. She wasn't aware that I already knew what had happened to her... and she didn't know that it had been eating me alive ever since we were just teenagers.
"I was abused as a young lady. It went on longer than it should've. And I've never fully recovered from it."
The surge of anger welded me to the floor. I felt my temperature and blood pressure rise. I wanted to rip that bastard apart. I'd do it with my bare hands.
Backing out of her touch, I composed myself. I also determined that she needed space for revealing something so horrific to another person, and I didn't want to crowd her. My heart ached for her. But more than anything I was angry. I was vengeful. "I'm sorry, Barbara. I can't imagine how awful that must have been."
"It's okay. It was a long time ago."
"No, it's not. You shouldn't have had to endure that. You deserved better."
Looking away, she stared into an empty void, bound to her thoughts and memories. It was painful for her to reflect on these things. I hoped that I hadn't stirred them up again. Or made it worse.
After a moment to herself, she stole a glance at me; one nervous and impatient. But I didn't sense her dread like before.
Turning, she sailed her hands down my chest.
"Johnathan." Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I want you to be the first."
Her first... lover?
The buttons came undone as she traveled across my shirt picking them apart.
With excited, dainty fingers, she trembled. She rubbed my exposed flesh, somehow in shock. I didn't believe Barbara was fully convinced that... this was what she wanted right now. Especially after last time.
But before I could say anything, she was kissing me on the chest. It was too late now and my resolve was wearing thin. I didn't possess enough willpower to stop her.
Rhythmically, her lips closed and opened around my nipple. She made me unbearably sensitive. All my wildest fantasies were coming alive in my mind. I imagined her lips elsewhere. She held me steady but I clenched my fists. If she only knew how weak I was to her touch. My God. I would never recover from these sensations—there was no going back. Sooner or later, I was going to do something we both would regret if she didn't stop. She made me throb with anticipation.
But it was her. My Love. I had to control myself.
I lifted her face, making her look at me.
"If I can be honest, too... I'm trying to be a better man than I used to be."
She smiled. "Am I making that difficult for you?"
Shamefully, I dropped my head. "Yes."
"You told me you needed me, Johnathan."
Determined and seductive, she pulled the lacey sleeves over her shoulders, undressing right in front of me.
I saw... everything. Everything that made a man go crazy.
"But I think I need you more."
***
Whew. So that was a teensy on the spicy side. a few notes: I was so happy to finally introduce the fact that Barbara doesn't remember Johnathan from high school. There is a more complex reason for this and we will get to it eventually. Secondly, I know I had promised a "recovered memory" in one of my announcements a few weeks ago when I was still wrapping up Chapter 17; well, I had underestimated the length of these scenes at the time and teased that little segment too soon—sorry! Thirdly, expect some more spicy content in the next chapter. I realize Barbara's behavior may seem out of character for her but trust me, when we get back into her POV, it's going to make sense. Thank you for reading Chapter 18 and please hit that star button!