"Gather all of them in this one place. When I return from my business trip, I'll talk to them." - I said to him while cleaning my table.
He gently grabs the piece of paper I'm giving him. Written on that piece of paper is an address for a place I will rent for a family gathering.
"You look different since you came back from Salzburg, ma'am."
I smiled at him and furrowed my brows.
"Different? It's still me, the prettiest."
"You don't smile anymore like you used to. You're always in your room and office, working for hours, and you also don't eat much," - he said, hiding the piece of paper inside his blazer pocket. He cleared his throat and glanced at me again. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but did something happen in Salzburg?"
Si Butler Joe nakakainis sya minsan pero hindi ko maitatanggi na parang father figure ko na din sya dahil palagi ko syang kasama at binabantayan ako.
"Nothing happen. I just changed my priority."
"Kaya po ba aalis ka ulit? Alam na po ba ni ma'am Cass? Malapit na po yon umuwi dahil malapit na ang birthday nya." - maagap na aniya.
Napahinto ako dahil sa nabanggit nyang pangalan.
"Hindi ka po ba dadalo sa birthday nya? Halos lahat iyon ay ikaw ang nag pa handa." - he sound like he's convincing me not to leave.
Discovering my past with her heightens the feeling of wanting to isolate myself. I don't deserve to be happy, and there's no one to blame for whatever's happening to me except for myself. My reckless choices in life brought me here.
I'm a bad person, and she's my karma. It's like an act of suicide. I took something in that could kill me slowly.
"Ma'am?"
I look at him when I get back to my senses. "I won't come. Just give her my gift. It's in my room."
"What if she looks for you?"
"She won't."
Having people around her makes her forget about me. Her life will continue even without my presence. I'll let her enjoy her special day with her friends and loved ones. I don't belong to any of that; that's why I won't come and ruin her day.
"Ma'am, e pano kung tanungin nya ako kung kailan ka babalik?"
I chuckled and shook my head. "I doubt she'll ever ask that."
She won't look for me because she knows I'll always come back to her.
My business trip is partly just for cover. I will go to work, but the other days I will travel somewhere to think and give my mind the peace that I need before I fully take my next step in my own life and my falling marriage with a celebrity.
******
My private jet landed in France. This is my first destination, and I visit the cemetery where my beloved mother was lying down for years.
I sit in front of her grave and put down the flowers I'm holding. I lit up the candle and combed my hair, letting out a sigh.
"Hey, Ma. It's me, your princess," - I said, caressing her name. "It's been a while since I came here. I don't know if you're watching me every day, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for growing differently."
I look at the sky and caress my knees before pulling my legs closer to my chest to envelope it in a hug. My head bows down a bit while breathing hard.
"I became bad and brought many headaches to Dad since you left us. I ruin the lives of others just to make myself happy, and that's very selfish of me." - Tears pool in my eyes as I clench my jaw to suppress myself from bawling in this broad daylight. "If you're still alive, I believe that you will beat me up for being a devil incarnate."
A lone tear fell from my left eye. My breathing became unstable as I tightened my hug on my legs.
"I'm sorry for disappointing you," - I whispered.
The wind blows as if it's comforting me. It's making me more sad and making me realise that I'm alone.
I found myself lying down beside her grave. The grass surrounding it was well trimmed and clean, so I don't need to worry about my clothes.
I'm longing for a mother's hug, but sadly, all I can touch and feel in my time right now is her cold tombstone.
"Can I follow you there?"
The wind blew again, causing the candle to die. I chuckled and leaned my head closer to her tombstone.
"I was just kidding. Don't be mad, mommy," - I whispered. "I will live and fix my life so one day, if I die, I won't have regrets in my heart."
I don't have plans to show myself in our house here. Dad will only ask me things if I stay there with him, and as much as possible, I don't want to stress other people.
After staying in the cemetery for an hour, I flew right away to New York City and had dinner at the hotel with some of the businessmen I knew.
I'm wearing my black lady suit while sitting at a table and downing a glass of sweet wine. The people around me keep talking while eating.
"Thank you very much for coming here to meet us. We're really looking forward to our partnership. I thought your father would come, but it turns out he sent you. We appreciate your presence here tonight." - Mr. Kang said, and the others agreed.
"Only the Spencers refused the invitation, which is disheartening." - another man in suit said. I forgot his name, but he looks western.
"They are very private, like the Meyers." - I said, wiping my lips.
They agreed and talked about something else until the topic became uneasy for me. They're now talking about merging and marriage. Some traditions of their families were passed down to their generation.
"I think the only single here is Miss Chevalier."
They all turned to me, which made me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to talk about love or, worse, marriage.
"I have a daughter; she's in her 20s. If you have more free time, I'll set you up with her. You'll be a perfect match." - Mr. Harrison said.
I awkwardly chuckled and shifted in my seat.
"If you don't like girls, you can marry my son. I'll gladly accept you in our family with open arms." - said Mr. Kang, which caused the others to laugh.
I sip on my wine again and gently shake my head.
"I appreciate the offer, but no thanks. I don't want to involve myself with anyone right now." - I said without blinking.
I thought my answer would affect the atmosphere in the room, but good thing they know how to understand. They just nod their heads and go back to talking to each other about business matters.
My next destination is Edinburgh. This is where I want to stay in the meantime. You may say the place is beautiful yet gloomy, but for me, this type of place is what I need right now.
I just want to stay in the room, enjoy my coffee, read books, and watch the busy street through the window while the fog covers the whole city.
When I arrive in my room, I throw myself on the bed. The exhaustion was taking over, but I needed to wash up first before I went to sleep. I stirred and found my phone on my side. It lit up when my finger brushed on its screen.
My heart ached when I saw her smiling picture as my wallpaper. I stare at it for a moment before I decide to press the power-off button.
I won't be using my phone for now. I will have some me time. I deserve it. Kahit ito lang, okay na ako.
******
The door wind chime made a sound when I made my way inside a coffee shop. It's been three days since I came here, and this is the first time I went out and walked around.
I order at the counter, and when I have it, I look for a place to sit and feel relaxed. There's music in the background, but my mind is drifting away.
My eyes landed on the television placed on the upper part of the counter. There's nothing good to watch, and I refuse to entertain more problems about the chaos happening in some parts of the globe. After finishing my coffee, I go out and cover my head with my hoodie. It's cloudy and a little bit windy, and it's making me cold even if I'm wearing a thick jacket.
Nobody knows here that I'm a heiress with a broken marriage, and somehow it made me happy that I wouldn't need to pretend here because everyone is a stranger to me.
When I got back to my room, I sat quietly near the window, opened the book I'm into these days, and eventually ended up sleeping with the book on top of my face.
That's how my normal days turn out. It's boring, but I'm enjoying the silence.
"Aahh, this feels good." - I said with close eyes when I opened the balcony and stepped out in the middle of the night.
Ramdam ko ang lamig dahil naka suot ako ng manipis na pantulog.
The crescent moon on top of the large clock tower is a sight to behold. I couldn't help but take a picture of it, and as I'm scrolling through my phone and activating the Internet connection, different notifications pop out.
I ignore the messages and tap straight to the trending news.
It's her movie and their successful premiere night.
There's a picture of her on the red carpet with the other cast members from one day ago. Charlotte and Arabella Spencer also attended the event, supporting her, and they even posed for a picture.
She looks happy.
Hindi ko na tinignan pa yung ibang pictures dahil puro lalaki na ang kasama nya duon. Pero wala duon yung mukha ng ex nya.
Malay mo umatend pero wala lang picture. Tuya ng isip ko na ikinasimangot ko.
Papasok na sana ulit ako sa loob ng kwarto pero nag ring bigla ang phone ko.
It's a call from home. I was hesitating if I should answer or not, but after the third ring, I chose to put the phone near my ear.
"Hello, Ma'am Daniele?" - It's Butler Joe, and he sounded so relieved when I answered the phone.
"What's the matter?" - I said lowly, leaning on the rails.
"Na saan po kayo ngayon?"
"Somewhere. Why? May problema ba dyan?"
"Wala naman po. Nagawa ko na po pala yung inutos nyo at mukhang lahat po sila gustong pumunta sa gathering."
"That's good to hear. How's my wife?"
I don't want to talk about her, but I can't help it.
"She's doing fine naman po yata, ma'am at busy din po sya. Sa katunayan nga pag uwi nya po ikaw agad ang hinanap nya, at saka araw araw na nga po nyang tinatanong kung tumatawag ka daw ba. Hindi kasi daw po nya ikaw ma kontak."
I block her number on my phone so I won't be tempted to call her or even answer her call.
Isang salita nya lang alam ko sa sarili ko na babalik at babalik ako. Tapos mauulit na naman yung cycle. Ayaw ko na syang matakot ulit sa akin at ayaw ko na din dagdagan ang karma ko.
"Where is she right now?"
"May guesting appointment po sila kaya wala po sya ngayon sa mansion."
I lick my lip and look at the moon again. "If she comes home and asks if I called, tell her I didn't."
"Bakit naman po? Mukhang na mimiss ka na po ni ma'am."
My index finger traced my lips as I let my eyes wander down the street.
"Hindi ka po ba talaga uuwi sa birthday nya?"
Bumuntong hininga ako at pinatong ang baba ko sa likod ng kamay ko.
"No. I'll hang up now. I still need to call Steve."
I heard him asking me why, but I had already ended the call.
Steve was my lawyer, the one who filed my marriage certificate with Cassiopiea and had it registered in other countries.
I was about to tap on his number in my contact list when a notification popped out. I received an email from my wife.
My hold on my phone tightens as I read the content of her message.
Grei,
I can't contact you, and I don't know where you are, but if you ever read this, please come home. I have something important I need to discuss with you.
I'll be waiting for you at our house.
What could possibly be the things she wanted to talk about? Are we in the same boat?
I didn't reply to her email and continued dialling Steve's number.
"Miss Chevalier, how may I help you?" - he said attentively.
I stood straight and heaved a deep sigh while counting the street lights my eyes could reach from the balcony. With a heavy heart and trembling lips, I say the words that I never thought I'd say to him one day.
"Have the divorce paper ready. I'm going home after my wife's birthday party."