Valeria
"It takes a man and a woman ♪ And one magic moment to ~♪ Know they're in heaven ♪♪ It takes a man and a woman ♪ To feel what we're feelin' and ♪♪ Ain't it a miracle ~~ That you'd take a woman like me ♪♪ To love a man like you ♪♪♪~~"
"WOOH!" Ngumiti ako sabay palakpak kay Arden nang mag-ala-Sarah Geronimo siya sa office ko. Soundproof naman ito kaya kahit tumili siya ay hindi maririnig. Plus, she has a good voice, so there's no need to feel embarrassed.
Huwag nga lang talaga ibigay sa akin ang mikropono at literal na magkakalat ako.
"Grabe naman 'yung energy mo, nakaka-overwhelm sobra." I raised an eyebrow, detecting the sarcasm in her voice. She sat beside me while I nibbled on a chocolate crossini. It's lunchtime for us.
"Ang drama, 'ah." I chuckled softly. Naririnig ko ang paglipat ng panibagong song sa phone niya. "Just eat your lunch."
"Para kasing ang dami mong iniisip." she commented. I sighed and sipped my espresso. Arden really knows me well. She reads me like an open book.
"I can't help thinking about it, Arden," I glanced at her and she was already looking at me, listening intently. "This one is... very serious."
Hindi ako mapalagay kanina pang umaga. Noong umalis ako sa estate ni Zevran, pinag-usapan namin ulit 'yung nangyari sa amin kagabi. Sa sinabi kong iyon, seryoso na ako. I didn't expect him to be serious too. He insisted on being the one to tell Livia the truth and asked me to stay out of it. What stuck with me the most was when Zevran said he would take full responsibility for everything. That no matter what happened, he would shield me from any consequences.
But that's not possible either. May kasalanan rin ako sa kahit anong anggulo mang tignan. I'm his mistress. A snake. An escabeche or whatever they call it. I know what I did wrong. At hinahanda ko na ang sarili ko para sa mga posible at imposibleng mangyari. I also know that owning up to my mistakes doesn't automatically absolve me of my sins. Naka-depende pa rin ang hatol ko sa mga taong nasaktan ko.
Nasabi na kaya niya? Fuck. It's hard. It's really damn hard.
"You can tell me, girl. You know you can trust me, right?" Arden asked sincerely. I smiled genuinely at her. "If you want to or whenever you're ready to share, just come to me." She smiled back, and it reached her eyes.
"Arden..." pakiramdam ko ay maiiyak na ako. I took her hand and held it.
"Mm?" She leaned closer to me and put her hand on my shoulder.
I swallowed. "I-If you ever... just ever..." I took a breath. "Let's say you know someone... and then--- t-then they told you that..." my voice cracked as tears suddenly welled up.
"Huy, why are you crying?" She quickly grabbed a tissue, and I remained bowed down. Pakiramdam ko ay isa akong teenager na babae na kausap ang mama niya. Damn. I'm such a crybaby. "Ano ba, bakit ka biglang umiiyak? Pinapakaba mo ako. Ano ba kasi nangyayari?" confusion and worry were evident in her green eyes.
"W-What if... someone told you that..." it felt like a huge boulder was lodged in my throat again. "What if someone told you... that... they're having an... a-affair?"
I looked up at her. Tears streamed down my cheeks faster when I saw her reaction. I could clearly see her repeated blinking and the disbelief written all over her face. I cried even more. I didn't care if mascara was already running down my cheeks.
"You're having an affair."
Wala akong nasabi. I just let the sound of my sobbing fill the room. My tears fell like heavy raindrops. I thought during times of sadness, pain, and regret, I would eventually run out of tears to shed. But I was wrong. Dahil kapag pala mas nakakaramdam pa ng sakit, kapag may kaya pang ibuhos, mangyayari.
"Oh my god...."
Staying bowed down, tears streamed down my face, filling the room with my sobs. She pulled me closer into an embrace, her arms wrapping around my waist. The pain inside me felt like it was about to explode. Everything felt like it was falling apart. Gustong-gusto ko nang matapos ang lahat. Gusto ko na itong ayusin. Hangga't kaya pa o meron pa akong pag-asa, gusto kong bumalik ang lahat sa dati.
"I'm here..." she whispered repeatedly, her fingers gently tracing my back.
Releasing myself from her embrace, I reached for a glass of water, aware of her gaze upon me.
"I-I don't know what to say..."
My eyes felt hot and swollen from the buckets of tears I shed.
"Are you really serious? Did you really do that?"
I nodded. "B-Believe me... I tried to control myself. I-I tried not to..." My lips quivered as the tears kept flowing endlessly.
God knows how I tried to hold everything back. Zevran's advances towards me, distancing myself from him... I did everything I could to make him feel invisible. But he keeps showing me how he feels. There have been many times when I could have just left him, but I couldn't. Hanggang sa iniisip ko lang nangyayari iyon. And I keep on regretting it.
"Alam mong ikaw ang pinaka-paborito kong kaibigan, Valeria. High school pa lang magkakilala na tayo, tuwang-tuwa ako na sa bawat achievements mo 'eh nandoon ako." she held my hand. "You're the smartest and bravest woman I know, well, pangalawa ka lang pala kasi unang-una si mama siyempre." Just like that, laughter replaced my tears. I nodded and smiled.
"Pero bakit kasi..?" I sniffed. Parang maiiyak na rin siya. "Ang gaga mo. Nakakainis ka."
"...Arden..."
"Huwag ka ng makipag-kita sa kaniya, okay? Inuutusan kita, Valeria. Kung sino man 'yan, tigilan mo na siya." Her seriousness is evident in her tone and facial expression.
"...Even if his dick is big, o sobrang pogi niya sa paningin mo, iwanan mo na siya, please, Valeria. Ayokong maging ganito ka, hindi ka nakakuha ng multiple degrees para lang mag-settle sa lalaking ituturing ka na kabit."
Kabit... putangina. What did I do? How did I become the mistress of my sibling's fiancé? Oh my god.
"There are so many men in the world who are single with bigger dicks than that, ititigil mo na ang pagiging secondhand mo naintindihan mo ako? Unang beses lang 'yan, okay?" She squeezed my hand and held my chin. Slowly, I nodded as tears welled up in my eyes.
"I need words, Valeria. Assurance."
"Mm-mm. He also told the girl he was cheating and he'll break up with her after that..."
She released a sigh. "At naniwala ka naman doon?"
I stared at her for a long moment. "I know him, Arden. He'll do it." We talked, and he assured me it would happen. So it's impossible that it won't. Zevran won't disappoint me. I believe in him.
She shrugged and stepped back to grab her shoulder bag. She took out a cigarette pack, pulled one out, placed it between her lips, and lit it with her lighter.
"Ni wala ngang ebidensya..." smoke coming out from her mouth. "So what if he told the truth, huh? What then? Pagkatapos ba niyang makikipag-hiwalay magiging official na kayo? Gano'n?" ramdam ko ang panggagalaiti sa boses niya. I pursed my lips together and swallowed.
Naalala ko bigla ang isa sa mga sinabi sa akin ni Zevran kagabi. Doon sa loob ng tent.
"I want to be your boyfriend. But I need to court you first. I'll earn you, Valeria. When it's possible, when we have nothing to worry about, I'll wait for it."
"Valeria?"
I glanced at her. "H-Ha?"
She raised an eyebrow and inhaled smoke from the cigarette. The familiar smell of smoke filled the air.
"Hindi mo pina-planong makipag-commit sa kanya, di'ba?"
Napakurap ako.
"...Valeria."
"A-Ah..."
I flinched slightly as she abruptly placed the cigarette on the table. I kept staring at it because I couldn't bring myself to meet her gaze.
"Nababaliw ka na ba? Hindi mangyayari 'yang binabalak niyo." Her voice was clear and loud. "I won't allow it, Valeria. You've already committed a sin, and now you're planning to add more? If you're going to have a relationship, dapat doon sa hindi ka ginawang kabit." She emphasized the last word, and again, it felt like a stab. She forcefully turned my face to hers by gripping my cheeks.
"You're not just old, Valeria. You're smart, that's what you should use. Hindi ito," She pressed her index finger against my chest. Where my heart is centered. "Kilala kita. Alam kong pag-iisipan mo itong mga sasabihin ko, kaya kapag kaya mo---" she paused and took another puff of the cigarette. She released the smoke beside her. "Mali, mali. Alam kong kaya mo. Kailangan mong kayanin. Kailangan mong gawin. Don't talk to him anymore, Valeria. Just leave him suddenly, and when that happens, puntahan mo ako agad. Don't let yourself experience what his girl went through. Dahil para sabihin ko sa'yo? May nababaliw sa mga taong nararanasang ipagpalit ng kasintahan nila."
***
It was already late at night, and I was standing in front of the house when my phone rang. When I checked it, it was Zevran. I answered it and held the phone to my ear.
"Hey." bati niya sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung guni-guni ko lang o mukhang pagod talaga ang boses niya.
"Are you fine? Why do you sound tired?"
"Hmm, wala ka kasi sa tabi ko 'eh." he replied.
I gripped the skirt of my dress and suppressed a smile.
"Ang daming alam, magpahinga ka na. Haven't you finished your shift yet?"
"I just finished my final surgery. I'm inside the car now," I heard the sound of the phone being placed down. He probably adjusted its position. "Ikaw? Where are you? I'm driving at the moment."
"I'm at the house."
"Oh," he paused. "Then have you had dinner? Masama ang magpalipas ng gutom."
I hummed while looking at the gate of our house. "By the way, Zevran..."
"What is it, baby?" His endearment made a smile automatically appear on my lips. I quickly composed myself and cleared my throat. Stop it, Valeria. You're just a mistress.
"Have you told h-her?"
"Yes."
I bit my lower lip. "What did s-she say?"
"She didn't believe me at first. Kinumbinsi ko pa siya ng maraming beses para maniwala sa akin."
My brow furrowed. Why? Why didn't Livia believe him right away?
"Ano bang s-sabi niya?"
"She told me... she didn't care. That cheating on her wouldn't be enough reason for her to leave me."
"Oh my god," disbelief washed over me. Why would Livia say that? "But you should've told her that you're ready to let go of everything. You should've clarified the truth to her. That's what we want to happen, right?"
He sighed. "But she didn't really hear me out. We didn't have a long conversation because she left immediately."
Napasapo ako sa aking noo. Bakit ganoon? Bakit ayaw makapaghiwalay ni Livia?
Because she loves him.
"Valeria?---"
"Ate?" naibaba ko ang phone ko at naipatay ang tawag ng hindi sinasadya ng lumabas si Livia. She was just wearing a white blouse and denim shorts, with makeup on. She seemed like she was going somewhere. I quickly returned my phone to my purse and smiled at her.
She looks so fine. Why is she seemingly unaffected?
"Hey. Heading out?"
Tumango siya at ngumiti. "P-Pupunta lang sana ako sa c-convenience store, ate. Wala kasi 'yung p-paboritong juice na iniinom ko sa ref. I-Ikaw?" She stared at me from head to toe. "Why do you always seem to come home late? Busy?"
I nodded. "Lots of work at the office."
She stared at me for a while with her peculiar eyes.
"Are you leaving already? Have you had dinner yet?" tanong ko makalipas ng ilang segundo.
She laughed. "Tapos na, ate. You should eat. You might be hungry with all the work you've been doing."
"Yeah, for real." I chuckle softly. "Alright, papasok na ako, 'ah?" I held her arm and she looked at it. "Go home right away, alright?"
Tumango siya at malawak na ngumiti. "Okay, ate."
I smiled at her once more and opened the gate. As I turned away, the smile faded from my lips, replaced by guilt. Conscience was eating me up again.
I was standing in front of the door when she called me again. I faced her.
"W-What is it?"
"P'wedeng mahiram 'yung Porsche mo? May sakit kasi 'yung sa akin ngayon, 'eh." She gave me puppy-look eyes, and I quickly nodded to allow her.
Hinagis ko sa kaniya ang susi at nasalo niya iyon. "Take care, okay?"
"Yes, of course!" She unlocked the door of my Porsche and got in. Then she peeked at me. "Thanks, ate, mwah!"