"So she's actually afraid of water?" Bucky chuckled, taking a sip of his wine.
"Yup, swears she'll never go into the ocean again." Pepper said.
Bucky and I are currently at the lake house having dinner with Pepper and Morgan. Pepper just finished telling Bucky about the time I went to the beach when we lived in Malibu. I fell off a rocky shore into the water and came face to face with a giant ugly fish. I was about nine years old and it was the scariest thing at that age. Since then, I've had a fear of fish... live ones, anyway.
"Laugh all you want, but fish should not be that ugly and not be that large and not be that slimy." I scowled, leaning back in my chair and crossing my arms.
"I didn't know you were afraid of fish, Ne-Ne." Morgan said. It was a nickname she's dubbed for me over the years. It was cute, and I liked that she had a special name for me.
"We all have our fears, Morgan. Even silly ones." I said softly.
"Not me! I'm not afraid of anything!" She exclaimed.
"Alright Little Miss Bravery. Bring your plate to the sink and go and play." Pepper said.
"Okay, mommy!"
Morgan did as told and then ran outside to play. That left just the adults at the table to have a conversation. That was okay. There was something I wanted to tell them without Morgan overhearing.
"I made an appointment with Dr. Raynor. It's on Thursday." I said quietly after the short lull.
Pepper leaned forward, her wine glass held between both hands as she smiled softly at me. "That's great Nell. What made you change your mind?"
Making eye contact with her briefly, I then flicked my eyes to Bucky's, who was looking curiously at me as well. I then looked at my own glass of wine, running my finger over the edge of it. "It's when I was in Louisiana. Something happened, and I realized I may not have as much control over my neurosis as I originally thought."
It was unsaid by both, but I could tell by the silence that followed, they were both thinking it... 'I told you so.'
"What happened?" Bucky finally asked.
"It was the last morning we were there. Sarah left to go find you and Sam and I told her I would tidy up the kitchen like a normal person, not an obsessive compulsive person and... and it was hard. So hard to the point I felt like I was physically hurting myself."
"Oh honey." Pepper said quietly, not knowing what else to say.
I shook my head. "As a doctor, I know that's not normal. As a person, I still want to tell myself I can handle it. But after that moment, I do think I need a little help."
"We'll be with you every step of the way." Pepper said and then nodded at Bucky. "And I think you have some pretty solid support with you in the city."
"Yeah, that's true." I said, smiling at Bucky.
"Ne-ne!" Morgan bounded into the kitchen. "Can you come outside to play with me?"
"Well..."
"Go on. Bucky and I will be more than enough hands to clean up." Pepper said, standing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bucky and Pepper were left alone in the kitchen as the girls went outside to play. They could be seen from the kitchen window as they tidied up. Buky rinsed the plates before passing them off to Pepper, who put them in the dishwasher. Pepper watched him watching Nellie for a moment before finally speaking.
"She's lucky to have you, you know. For a while there, I thought she'd turn into an old spinster with 30 cats."
Bucky chuckled. "Nah, she would have found someone. I'm the lucky one because she saw past the Winter Soldier."
"Then maybe you're both lucky." Pepper said.
A few more moments of silence ensued before Bucky spoke without thinking. "I'm going to marry her."
The plate slipped from Pepper's hand as she was putting it in the dishwasher and it clattered into place. "What?"
Bucky blushed as he rubbed the back of his neck, turning to the older woman. "I mean... if that's okay with you."
"Well, yeah, it's okay with me." She said after a moment of shock, "I'm just surprised. You haven't been together very long."
"I know, but when it's right, it's right." He said, looking back out the window.
"When do you plan on asking?"
"I don't know. It might not even be soon. But seeing as her dad hated me, I thought I'd at least see if you'd be okay with it."
"Well, you have my blessing and Tony would have given his too... eventually." She said and then pulled her rings off her finger. She looked at them with so much love before handing them over to Bucky. "Nellie always loved this set. It's only right that she have them... whenever you're ready."
Bucky gingerly took them in his hand and looked at the large diamond engagement and matching wedding band. "Thank you." It's the only thing he could think of to say. He didn't even mean to say anything about marriage out loud, and he definitely thought he'd have to fight for a yes. It filled him with so much hope that he almost shed a tear as he placed the rings in his pocket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So when do you think your neurosis started?" Dr. Raynor asked.
She sat across from me in her office. She was in a chair and I was sitting on a stylish black leather sofa. It was a little weird sitting here in the spot I know Bucky sits once a week. But I tried to ignore the notebook she had in her lap as I considered her question.
"To be honest. I was always a little OCD when it came to certain things. What doctor isn't? It's how we stay proficient in our field. Especially as a surgeon." I explained. "My equipment needed to be laid out a certain way and sterilized with certain products."
"There was never any room for flexibility in the OR?"
"Definitely not." I chuckled, but stopped and frowned when she started writing something down.
"What about when you were a kid?" She asked, looking up from her notes.
I looked up at the ceiling, noticing a water spot in the far corner, but closed my eyes to focus on her question. Did I have any neurotic tendencies as a kid? I had a bit of anxiety growing up, I suppose. And I was definitely more organized than your average child... and I did have some emotional outbursts... and I definitely liked knowing if I was doing a good job or not.
"Maybe some?" I said it as a question. "I was definitely a perfectionist for most of my life. But I never had the obsessive need to have everything completely sterilized."
"And what about when you gained your shadow abilities? Tell me more about that." Dr. Raynor said as she jotted something else down.
"Not much to say, really." I deflected.
"And why is that?"
I just shrugged.
"Nellie, if you're not completely honest in these sessions. I can't help you move past your obsessive-compulsive needs."
I sighed, but decided to tell the story. "It was 2012. Just after my 18th birthday. The Avengers captured the demi-god Loki and imprisoned him on the helicarrier owned by SHIELD at the time. Loki was in this tempered glass prison that was originally designed to hold the Hulk."
"Why is that part important?" She asked.
"I don't know. It's not, I guess. Just something I remember from the time."
"Why were you on the helicarrier?"
"I was homeschooled since I was 10 years old. The curriculum that schools provided was subpar compared to what I was capable of learning and doing on my own. Being Tony Starks' daughter, I suppose it was kind of expected. Though I was never quite as smart as he was."
"Did that bother you?" All her questions were clinical and short. I kind of liked it.
"Sometimes, maybe it did. I always wanted to be better for him. I wanted him to be proud of me."
"Was he not?"
"He was... but I always thought I could do more, you know?" More notes.
"So why were you on the helicarrier?"
"I asked my dad if he would take me. I really wanted to meet Captain America - I was his biggest fan - and I promised I would stay out of the way if he brought me with him. I... didn't do that, though."
"What happened?"
"I could hear them. They all started arguing, and I could see Loki on the security camera. He was interesting. Loki seemed unbothered that he was even captured. At least, that's what I remember thinking before the explosion. We were all thrown in opposite directions. The others recovered quickly and took action. They all knew exactly what they needed to do. I remember feeling powerless."
"Powerless why?"
"Because I wasn't special. I had no power and I couldn't help anyone. I could only be a by-stander and I hated it."
"You didn't think to pray about it?"
"I always knew there was a higher power, but I didn't become a Christian until after I went to college."
"I see. So what did you do?"
"I couldn't stand by and just watch all hell break loose. I was a black belt in nin-jutsu, so I thought I could be of some use at least. So I went to make sure Loki was still secured and stayed that way. So I went to Loki's containment room." I was speaking almost robotically.
"Was he secured?"
"Yes."
"And?"
I closed my eyes tight and clenched my fists to keep my fingers from twitching. The memory of what happened will never leave my mind. I spent years feeling guilty for the events that followed and it's not something I think I would ever forget, even with all the forgiveness from my loved ones.
"I let him out."
"Willingly?"
"Yes." I said quietly, looking down at my hands. My fists were so tight my knuckles were white.
"Why?"
"Because I wanted to."
"You were 18 years old, you felt powerless to do anything. What happened that made you want to let him out?" My eyes popped open, and I just looked at her. She was good.
"He promised to give me the power to help people. He promised that I would never feel helpless or unworthy and that Steve would actually see me." I chuckled self-depreciatively. "To 18-year-old me, that's all that was important."
"Looks like he followed through on that promise, though." She said, writing even more down.
I shook my head. "Not intentionally. His intention was to kill me. If it weren't for Phil Coulson, I'd definitely be dead. I'm the reason he's dead... or was dead." I sighed. "It's all very confusing sometimes."
"You still feel guilty." Dr. Raynor decided.
"I don't. I mean... I did. For a long time, but my family and friends helped me through it, eventually. I let the guilt go a long time ago."
"Part of this story is still eating at you for some reason. I think that's where we will start next week. Same time?"
"Really? That's where you want to start?" I asked, brow raised. "My compulsion didn't start until after my dad died."
"I'm aware that's what you think. But after everything we've spoken of today, I believe you've had certain neurotic tendencies at various stages of your life. We will work through them one by one."
"So I can be fixed?" I asked as I stood up, Dr. Raynor followed suit.
"Let's not use the term 'fixed'. Through our sessions, you will learn new, healthy coping mechanisms to deal with your heightened emotions and stress. But first, we need to determine the underlying causes of your stressors. Guilt, grief, worry, and your constant need for validation seem to be the biggest triggers. Keep that in mind until we meet again."
"Thank you, Dr. Raynor." I said, feeling some sort of weight lift from my shoulders.
When I left the doctor's office, Bucky was waiting outside for me, leaning against the cobblestone wall. He was wearing a gray shirt, black jeans, and his black cotton tactical jacket. He was looking at his phone and didn't see me walking up to him until I stood just two feet away. His dog tags hung around his neck and it just added something extra to his look that always had me thinking how handsome he was.
"How did it go?" He asked, putting his phone in his pocket.
I shrugged. "As well as can be expected... but she's hopeful and so am I. We're meeting again next week."
"Then I'll be here waiting for you again, next week."
"Thank you Bucky. Your support means everything to me." I said, leaning into his side as he put his arm around me.
"So how about we order some takeout and go back to mine?" He suggested. "I'm just about done with people for the day and I bet you are, too."
I giggled. "How could you tell?"
"The bags under your eyes."
I frowned and swatted him in the chest. "Yeah right. I do not have bags." Then I thought about what he said. "Do I?"
"No, you're as beautiful as ever." Bucky said, kissing the side of my head. "Now, what are you in the mood for?"
"Something greasy. Like a burger."
"Great, I know the perfect place."
Once we got our burger, fries, and milkshakes to go, we headed back to Bucky's place and snuggled up on the sofa. We picked at our food as we flipped through the channels, looking for something to watch.
"The GRC vote is happening soon." I said absentmindedly.
"They're meeting in Manhattan, right?"
I nodded in answer. The GRC building is a block away from one of my clinics. A project that I still haven't told Bucky about. Thinking back on my meeting with Dr. Raynor, I realize I haven't told him because I'm worried about what he'll think. I'm worried he won't think it's a good idea or that I won't be able to do it. His opinion means a lot to me and if it was negative, I think it would hurt.
But it's a stupid reason not to tell him. So, with the small ounce of bravery starting to build up, I turned to Bucky. He stopped his channel surfing and turned to me with curious eyes.
"I have something to tell you. I've been keeping it a secret for reasons I didn't quite understand until today... Well, right now, actually. They were stupid reasons, but I didn't think they were stupid at the time. But now that I'm thinking about it, I should have just told you from the beginning. I think I didn't tell you because part of me thought I would fail and I didn't want to fail, but more importantly, I didn't want you to think I would fail because your opinion is important to me. But I'm going to tell you now-"
"Nell." Bucky said softly, "Just breathe. What's up?"
"I decided I didn't want to be a neurosurgeon anymore. It was my major, but I also studied internal medicine, which I think in today's society might be more helpful."
"I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little lost." Bucky said, brows furrowed.
"I have decided to open up my own clinics. Three to start and then, hopefully, more. This isn't just a clinic though, it's for anyone who can't afford sufficient medical care. Whether the care is for a broken leg, the flu, or PTSD, I want to provide it. And with so many people displaced, jobless, and homeless, because of the blip, I really think I can help a lot of people. What do you think?"
"I think it's a great idea." Bucky said. "Is that what your meeting was about?"
"Yes. the board of directors don't think I can own, run, be the chief doctor at the clinics AND be an Avenger. They want to pull the plug on the project or quit being an Avenger."
"This is probably not what you want to hear, Nell, but they're right. It's a lot to take on."
"I know, but I can do it." I promised. "I'm more than capable. I know I am, I just want you to believe it too."
Bucky ran his hand through his hair as he stood up. "I do believe it but through all that, think of one more thing." He turned to me. "That doesn't leave a lot of time for us. You plan on working at all three clinics?"
"Yes. One day a week at the Manhattan and Hell's Kitchen location, and two at the Brooklyn location."
"And when you expand? Because you will. What then?"
"I'll travel sometimes, obviously... but only on an as needed basis. I'm hoping to hire a team of doctors and other health care professionals that will lighten the workload once expansion happens. There will be plenty of time for us."
"Even with the Avenging?"
"Well... I...haven't figured out the details yet, but everything will fall into place."
"Nellie, this is you we're talking about," Bucky said with a sigh, leaning against his kitchen counter now. "You figure out the details for everything. Even your contingency plans have contingencies."
"What are you saying?" I asked, getting up to stand in front of him.
"Through all your planning of the clinics and the Avenging, did you include me in the plan at all?"
I didn't have an answer because I didn't. I didn't think about him at all when I began this project and he was right. If I took on everything that I originally planned to, there would be no time for us.
"I started this when we were still so new. I didn't... I don't..." I couldn't speak.
Bucky's phone rang then and when he answered it, he stood tall. "What?... Yeah... on it, I'll meet you there."
I frowned, "What's wrong?" I asked when he hung up.
"Karli is attacking the GRC. Sam is on his way. I need to suit up."
"I'll help." I said and grabbed my leather jacket.
Bucky stopped and turned toward me as I put my jacket on. "Nell, you can't. You have to stay out of it this time. You heard Shuri, you can't fight right now."
"I can't just stand by and-"
"You can!" Bucky snapped. "You have to. Please, Nell, just stay out of it and stay safe."
Bucky went into his room and grabbed his leather jacket and put it on. His vibranium arm was on display as he came back out, putting an earpiece in his ear, so he could communicate with Sam when he was closer. When he was ready, he came back over to me but didn't touch me. Something was holding him back.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nell... I love you." Bucky started and held up his hand to keep me from responding. "And I love that you're a fighter. I love that we can fight together too..."
"But..." I almost whispered.
"I want you to have everything you want. If that's the clinic and being an Avenger, that's great. If it's me, then I consider myself lucky. But..." There's the but... "I don't think there's room for me in your plan, not if we're going to build a life together because that's what I want with you. Maybe if it was just the clinics or maybe if it was just avenging...but not all of it. So you're going to have to decide which is more important to you." He kissed me softly on the lips. "Once you decide, come find me."
He left me there, standing alone in his apartment, and I felt a tear slip down my cheek. That is not how I wanted that conversation to go.