Violet
~ ~ ~
I look ahead at myself in the mirror.
Disgust. Hideous. Sensitivity. Cry baby.
That's all I see.
My eyes peer down at the tight black shirt with a low neckline that feels like fire against my flesh, slowly tearing me apart and melting me away.
I look at my hidden scar with makeup. Then I look at my long and loose hair. Then my waist that's skinnier than usual.
I finally gaze at my face.
And I suddenly feel nauseous.
It never has appeared to me how much I hate myself until I get moments like these, where I'm alone and vulnerable. Where I feel nothing but utter disgust for myself as I'm forced to endure this body and face I was given.
Where I was forced to be given these flaws.
I look over at the paintbrush in the corner of the room before turning back at the mirror.
I don't feel as if I'm truly looking at myself. I'm not sure who this woman is that I'm peering at.
She's skinny. She has long hair. She has the same hazel eyes.
Though despite these facts, the negatives overcome all of them.
She's tired. A crybaby. She's weak. She's selfish.
She's difficult to love.
And when I realize that the same woman with all these flaws is the one inside of me, I want to vomit. I want to cry as I usually do.
Because I'm not even sure who I am.
Who is this woman I've become? Why have I became her, gotten myself so mixed up with her that I've almost completely transformed?
I've lost myself.
A soft knock on my door interrupts my thoughts.
I tiredly move my sore muscles, moseying over to the door. When I open it and see Noah peering back at me, a hint of happiness swells up in my heart.
"Morning," he yawns, holding out a cup of coffee right in front of my chest. "I got you coffee."
I can't help but smile, my dull insides lighting up with joy as I grasp the coffee from his hand. "Thank you!" I say, taking a small sip.
He hums tiredly, stumbling into my bedroom. He stands right next to the bed, gazing over my nightstand. "I slept last night," he mumbles.
Shock courses through me, and a moment of silence goes between us before I speak. "That's great, Noah! I'm sure you'll get back into the routine of it eventually," I give him a cheeky grin.
He chuckles softly. "Don't get my hopes up," he replies, his eyes glued on the sketchbook laying dully on the nightstand. "Is that your drawings you've told me about?"
I shrug, a weird ache filling my heart. "Yeah, but don't go through it. I don't like them," I shake my head.
"Why not?" He frowns, ignoring my request as he picks it up and holds it in his hands.
A ball of nervousness builds up in my stomach, and I snatch it from him and hold it behind my back. "It's bad, Noah. I don't draw anymore."
"Oh," he mumbles as I set the sketchbook back onto the nightstand.
When I meet his eyes again, uncertainty is swimming in them. "Carter wants me to research today. He says we have to get 100% sure before we attack column nine."
I sigh. "I'm guessing you have to leave?" I ask, although it's not really a question. I don't want him to leave just yet. I need somebody to talk to right now.
"Yes," he answers at once, and I try to hide my disappointment.
"Have fun," I teasingly say, forcing my lips to smile.
He grins before turning, slowly walking out of my bedroom and then into the hallway.
Now I'm forced to stay alone with nothing but me and my thoughts.
The very idea sounds like torture.
It isn't until ten minutes later I'm cleaning my room and the anger starts inside of me.
The both times Carter and I have had sex, he ends up saying nothing to me. Not during, not after. He simply gets up and leaves the room, making me feel worthless as I lay there naked and vulnerable.
I was sure that I wanted to make love to him. Out of any guy, he's the one I truly love. And the fact I'm so deep intoxicated only makes the pain hurt worse.
I miss him.
I miss his smiles. His nickname for me that he called me almost everyday. The man I truly looked up to.
But I'm convinced I lost him almost as much as I've lost myself.
Why am I wishing every day before I go to bed that the next day will be better with him than the one before? Why do I constantly feel the need to please him in every way, even if that means molding myself into something unrecognizable?
I'm being dramatic. Carter is not that bad.
I look around my bedroom. Feeling as if it's suffocating, I walk out of it and find myself making my way into the living room.
I sigh in frustration when I realize it's empty. I go and sit down on the couch, picking up the remote to turn on the TV.
I scroll through the channels.
'Those stupid sappy movies you like'.
I force Reed's words out of my head, shaking off the feeling.
When I eventually find a show that's durable for the time being, I relax comfortably into the couch as I adjust the pillows.
After twenty minutes straight of just watching TV, I find my eyes starting to get heavier, and I encourage the weight when I almost close them fully.
The sound of light footsteps makes them go open again, and I suck in a breath.
I don't realize that the footsteps stopped right in front of where I'm sitting. I drift my gaze up, annoyance bubbling inside of me when I make eye contact with Isla.
"What are you doing?" She grumbles, her voice high pitched and like nails on a chalk board. Just the perfect person I need to see right now.
"Doesn't concern you," I mutter in frustration, looking away from her.
A moment of silence rips between us. "I need the living room, Violet."
Impatience flows through me, and I drop the remote before standing up. "If you want it so bad, here," I scoff, gesturing down at the couch.
I feel a little guilt at my tone, but her immaturity gets the best of me. I just wish she'd come to her senses and read the room that I currently don't want to be bothered.
She glares at me, her eyes ice cold as they stare into mine. "The hell is your problem today? Mad that I fucking exposed you?" She tries to hold back a smile, her eyes twinkling with amusement.
Anger runs through me, and before I can hold myself back, I'm right in front of her face. She's slightly taller than me, but I don't let that bother me. "Don't act like a child by spreading rumors about me and I might actually like you. And don't ever talk to Noah the way you have been," I grow more angry as I continue speaking.
"Back the hell up from my face, goddamn bitch," she scoffs, putting her hands on my chest and shoving me, but not hard enough for me to back up enough steps.
"I couldn't give a damn what you say to me," I go on, coming even closer to her, "but if you ever try anything with Noah again, I'll- "
Before I can finish, the sharp sting explodes across my cheek, making me gasp as I look down at the ground. I hold my face in my hand, processing the pain.
She just slapped me.
I hold myself back, but I still stand my ground. I look up at her again, trying to collect my breathing. "Is that what you do when you get angry, Isla? Take it out with your fists?"
Suddenly, another sharp sting causes my eyes to water. Except this time the pain is in my nose, and I can feel the metallic taste of liquid dripping over my mouth.
I back up. I wipe the blood from my nose, and before I can stop myself, I punch her right in the face.
Behind the blurriness of my vision, I watch her physically back up and gasp in surprise as fresh blood trickles under her nose. She tries to catch her breath from the impact.
Then she's running at me, coming straight towards my face. I dodge her attempt, grabbing her arm and twisting it. I throw her to the ground.
She quickly gets up, coming towards me again. Before I can do anything about it, someone grabs my arm from behind, pulling me away.
Cash is suddenly sprinting across the room, grabbing Isla from behind also. I spin around to see who has a hold of me, only to feel my heart drop when I see Carter.
"Fucking bitch," Isla groans in a mixture of frustration and pain.
Suddenly, it's as if everybody walks into the room. I can see Mateo, Aiden, Noah, and Cash all in here. Everybody seems to be panicking, spreading us apart.
I hear Noah gasp in front of me. Carter cups my face with his two hands, tilting it up to meet his eyes. He inspects the left over blood from my nose bleed.
"Get her tissue," he orders someone. I hear stumbling, and suddenly tissues are being held up against my nose.
I still try to catch my breath, trying to process the events that had just occurred. Guilt hits me like a hurricane, threatening to knock me over.
I understand I might've gotten mad about Noah, but I should have never hit her. I should've never gone to her level of immaturity.
I'm so stupid. I look my sadness, my anger out on her.
I'm so incredibly selfish.
I feel the saltiness of my tears stream down my face, so much guilt hitting me at once. I already know what I'm in for with Carter.
"I'm so sorry, Carter. She hit me first," I sob, wiping away my tears. I can feel at least three people beside me, including Noah and Carter.
Fear starts piling up on me. God, he's going to kill me. He's going to kill me.
I can see anger in his eyes, but he doesn't act on it. I'm guessing it's due to the crowd around us.
"Isla, you're a fucking idiot!" I hear Mateo shout loudly. I nearly laugh although I'm in such a serious situation, crying my eyes out due to fear and guilt.
"Come here," Noah orders, gesturing two fingers to come towards him.
I fly my eyes between him and Carter, who is still cupping my face between his hands. "Please, I'm sorry, Carter. Please- "
He lets go of my face, backing up the tiniest bit. He sighs in disappointment, making my heart nearly burst.
Fresh tears continue to run down my cheeks, and I don't realize that I'm shaking. "I'm so, so sorry-"
"Don't you realize what you've done?" He says softly, though his eyes show no sign of gentleness.
Noah takes me in his arms. I cry harder as I watch him walk away, making my heart only ache even more.
"Violet," I hear Cash stammer, going in front of me. He takes my shoulders in his two hands. "Hey, it's okay. I promise. Don't cry. Why are you crying?"
I sniff, feeling slightly embarrassed. "I'm a horrible person. Carter- he hates me now," I swallow harshly, trying to calm myself. God, I'm one big crybaby.
"He doesn't, Violet. Hey, it's ok," he wipes tears from my cheeks, making a tiny bit of light shine back into my heart full of sadness. "I've been in six physical fights with my teammates before. You're not even close to my level," he grins slightly, trying to lighten up the mood.
I chuckle a tiny bit, wiping the rest of my tears. "Really?" I sniff.
"All from high school. Don't worry. You'll catch up to me one day," he grins wider.
I find myself giggling in a moment like this, although the fear still lingers. I take Cash in a hug, just needing to feel relief.
"Sorry I'm always crying," I mumble into his chest, sniffing once again.
He deeply chuckles, rubbing my back. "It's ok. A secret about me is that I cried after all my fights too," he whispers.
I pull away, meeting his brown eyes filled with empathy. "You did?" I laugh.
"No, I just wanted to relate with you."
I punch him in the shoulder, and he laughs, rubbing it with his palm. "Ow, that hurt. Calm down, my shoulder isn't Isla's face."
I laugh again, but confusion fills me. I turn around for a split second, only to see Isla and Mateo no where in sight. Aiden is standing behind me, watching with sympathy.
I turn back towards Cash, who's smiling with amusement. "You know that punching bag you tear up all the time during training? Might have to print a photo of Isla and stick it on there," he hums. "Might be more motivating."
"Shut up," I giggle, already laughing about the situation. One thing I've always loved about Cash is how easily he can cheer people up.
I sniff again, a more negative thought entering into my mind. "Where is Carter?" I ask softly.
Cash turns around for a few moments before turning back to me. "I'm not sure. I don't think he's mad at you, Violet. Maybe just a little shocked."
If only I could believe that.
"Do you want to do something to cheer you up?" Noah suggests beside me. I smile at him.
I suddenly feel the noise of footsteps walking right up behind Cash. Of course he's here. He's not going to allow me to do anything.
I ignore it, meeting Noah's eyes. "I just want to go for a walk in the city. That gets my mind off things," I simply say.
"No," I hear Carter grumble. He slips around Cash, replacing his hands with his own. "I need to talk to you."
Fear replaces the recent happiness I just experienced. "Ok," I agree immediately, not wanting to make him any more angry than he already is.
He grabs me by the hand, leading me away from the others. He pulls me down the long hallway, until we reach his bedroom. He locks the door behind him.
I'm half expecting him to scream. To yell at me, to do anything. He just sighs, leaning back against the wall.
It's silent for a moment. Finally, he speaks up. "You're not going into the city."
"Carter- "
"Hear me, Violet?" He raises his voice, making more fear grow inside of me. "You're not going into the fucking city! Listen to me for once in your goddamn life," he nearly yells, yet his voice is low enough for others to not hear.
"Ok," I say in a somewhat soothing voice, hoping that will calm him down. "I'm sorry. I won't go."
He nods and looks away. He looks like he's thinking of something.
After about a minute of unbearable silence, he speaks up. "I don't want you seeing Reed," he shakes his head, his voice in a whisper so low that I can hardly hear.
I don't reply, only nodding my head.
"Play basketball with me," he suddenly suggests, making my heart light up a tiny bit. "Do something I want for once."
I nod again. "I will," I agree.
He doesn't bother looking at me again as he takes my hand, leading me out of the room.
He takes me down the hallway, then slithers around so that my friends don't notice us leave.
My heart only continues to ache.