Sunset stared at her clothes as she began unpacking them. She hadn't come to Boston that long ago but it was enough to where she should have been unpacked already but she was prolonging it. She didn't know if she was being lazy or if her actually permanently moving here was still jarring. She had lived in Florida her whole entire life and she rarely went outside of Miami, to finally be in a whole new area? It still felt so unreal.
Sunset folded all her clothes putting them in order from shirt,crop tops, pants and skirts and then dresses. She had more clothes than she thought when she was getting to leave but she donated everything that she didn't wear anymore. Her and her siblings donated their mother clothes before Sunset left for Boston but Sunset still had a few items she couldn't bare to part with, Sunset sighed deeply as she looked at all the clothes getting overwhelmed quickly,
She barely had the strength for this.
It was only Tuesday, and Sunset felt the days going by so slow. Everyday felt more then twenty fours and she found herself sluggishly waiting for the day to just end. Sunset grabbed her phone as she saw a recent message pop up on her phone and it was from her sister texting her to call her. Sunset pressed her phone and called, it rang a few times before it finally answered.
"Hey, Sunset. I text you yesterday."
"Yeah I was barely on my phone, me and Carmen had went to a Korean restaurant yesterday and like usual my phone died."
"You have got to get better at charging your phone" Sunset laughed."I know..anyways what's up?"
"Have you been settling in nicely?"
"Yeah I'm settling in pretty nicely" Sunset said to her oldest sister, Mercedes over the phone. Mercedes was the first person she told she was moving to Boston and the first person she called to talk about her move. Despite their mom taken very great care of them, Mercedes always felt like a second mom to Sunset.
She was everything you wanted in a daughter or sibling. Responsible, kind and patient. They were the farthest part in age yet Sunset felt the closest to her. It was Mercedes, her brother Ta'Shaun, her other sister Sage, her other brother Taylor then her sister Rayne and lastly Sunset.
Mercedes was the oldest being thirty, and Sunset was the youngest being twenty. Everyone else ages were not that far apart from each other. Sunset once upon time was extremely close to all her siblings, but as time moved on, life got in the way and some had kids and some got married, Sunset felt herself drift away from them slowly.
Sometimes she felt like she had no siblings at all.
It was a sad and lonely feeling that she tried not to dwell on.
"Have you found a job yet?" Mercedes asked, Sunset continued unpacking her suitcase.
"Not yet, Carmen said I can settle in before I start job hunting. Get to know the areas and stuff?"
"That's nice of her but you don't wanna stay too long without a job. It's best to not seem like a freeloader."
"Yeah I know, I saved up enough money so I'm good for now but I'll look tomorrow. I'm just focused on unpacking the rest of my things." Silence fell over them.
"Sunset are you okay? Like truly ok?" Mercedes asked worriedly.
"Yeah, why are you asking?" Sunset said laughing nervously,
"When we first found out that mom passed a way, you tried to-"
"I'm fine..I was just shocked is all. I'm fine now. You don't have to worry." Sunset said cutting her off and reassuring her, Mercedes let out a deep breath.
"I can't bury you to, Sunset."
"I wouldn't give you that burden." Sunset said softly.
"I don't want you to think of it like that, I want you to live because you're happy to live not because you think it'll burden your family. That's not way to think or live Sunset." Mercedes stressed
"I know and I want to live..not just for you guys but for me too." Sunset lied, she thought if she said it out loud enough that maybe she'd actually start to believe it herself. That she could stop trying to put everyone else at ease and actually be at ease herself.
"Ok...I have to get back to work but text me if anything happens ok?"
"Ok, I love you."
"I love you too." Sunset hung up the phone as she shut it off. A picture of her mom and Sunset as a little girl was her wallpaper. Sunset stared at the photo as her eyes watered. She felt her heart shatter as she thought long and hard about how she'll never get to see that smile again, she'll never get to take another picture again, no more laughs, no more road trips, no more late night talks, no more movie nights.
No walking her down the aisle, no being there for her first child, no anything. Sunset felt her chest ache as she held back her sobs. She brought her knees to her chest as she began to cry.
She tried so long and so hard to be strong, to be okay but she truly felt broken down and weak. She always struggle with mental health and depression but this truly was her last straw. She felt at any moment she could collapse and die of a broken heart.
Sunset laid down curling up into a ball as she sobbed loudly wishing that just one more time she could hug her mom, one more time she could lay on her and cuddle, one more time she could tell her how much she loved her , how much she meant to her, how much she wished they were mother and daughter in every life.
Sunset felt like she lost a piece of her, she lost what truly made her whole, and now she'd forever be missing a part of her.
"Sunset! Sunset! What's wrong? What's wrong?" Carmen asked frantically coming inside as she picked up Sunset as Sunset sobbed in her arms.
"What happened? Why are you crying? Are you okay?" Carmen continued to ask as she began swaying back and forth with Sunset, cradled in her arms, she rubbed circles in her back while also patting her head to also keep herself from crying. Carmen bit down on her bottom lip as she blinked quickly so that she wouldn't cry.
Seeing her bestfriend like this was devastating.
"I'm sorry." Sunset cried feeling bad for crying, Carmen hushed her,
"You don't ever apologize ok? You don't have to apologize to me for crying. You cry as long as you need to. I'm here for you, I'll always be here for you." Carmen choked out hugging her even tighter.
"I don't have a mom anymore Carmen." Sunset cried squeezing Carmen back.
"I know..Sunset and I'm sorry..I'm so fucking sorry man." Carmen said, Sunset cried even harder.
"I can't live without her, she was everything to me, the only person who understood me. What do I have now? I can't go on like this..I can't go on without her." Sunset continued to sob.
"You have me, Sunset. You have me! I'll try to understand you, I'll try to be there for you. You know I always will." Carmen said as Sunset held onto Carmen and continue to wail in her arms, she cried as hard as she could feeling her chest tighten more and more. Sunset couldn't bear the loss and everyday when it seemed to get easier? All those feelings, all that loss and sadness came rushing in like waves. She felt overwhelmed as if she was sinking and drowning in her own emotions.
Nothing felt real anymore, she felt absolutely nothing anymore. She didn't wanna smile anymore, she didn't wanna talk, she didn't even want to wake up.
Sunset just wanted to be with her mom.
She wanted to wake up and be with her mom.
"It's okay Sunset, it's okay. I got you. Cry to me." Carmen hushed rocking her back and forth as Sunset continued to cry. Carmen bit down her lip as a single tear shed down her cheek, what could she possibly do to make her feel better? What could she say?? Carmen was at a loss.
Her best-friend was hurting deeply, she could see it in her eyes, the way she talks..She wasn't the same, Carmen's wasn't sure if she'd ever be the same. Carmen couldn't bear the thought of losing her best-friend, someone who truly knew her.
But how could she save her? What could comfort could she bring someone who just lost her mom? Carmen felt like nothing she did was enough and time wasn't healing. It had been basically a year and Sunset is still as heartbroken and torn as the first day she found out.
Carmen didn't know what else to do.
Carmen continued rocking Sunset back and forth as her cries grew silent. Dry tear stains started to appear on Sunset face as her eyes were closed tight shut and her hands gripped Carmen clothing so tight that her knuckles were turning color. Sunset laid her head on Carmen chest as she started to hear light snores. Sunset had been having trouble sleeping for the past week, she struggled with sleeping all her life but it had grown worse since her mother passing. Sunset was average 2 hours of sleep everyday, running on nothing but energy drinks to keep her awake.
Sometimes Sunset didn't eat at all, and some days she ate too much, some days she'd spend hours in the shower and sometimes? She didn't shower for a week. Carmen and Sunset had always talked about their struggles with mental health. They were very similar yet so different. Now seeing Sunset struggle this much? Right in front of her face? Carmen felt as though she was crumbling right along with her.
" Grief is a tricky emotion to maneuver . It takes on different shapes, forms and shows itself when someone least expects it. Grief can't be boxed in with just the five stages it's commonly known by because grief is unpredictable. One can only truly know what Grief is when they have grieved themselves and one who has never grieved can't tell you what Grief is. Grief is suffering. Grief is pain.Grief is loss. And most improbably Grief is filled with regrets. Denial,anger,bargaining,depression and acceptance isn't enough to sum up what Grief truly is, because Grief is an experience. A reckoning. It can't be placed into words, it can't be listed with steps and stages. It simply cannot be explained. It can be something you imagine."
Moses nodded his head as he chewed on his french fries.
"So? What you think? Does it sound corny? I been working on this shit for like three days straight and it still ain't perfect to me." Moses best friend, Simon said. Simon is a psych major and was currently working on a report about Grief, Simon wanted to meet with Moses early to talk about the beginning of his paper.
"It's a little on the dramatic side, but I like it." Moses said honestly.
"We psych majors, it's our job to think that deeply and be that dramatic. I'm still going to tweak it a bit but I think it's way better than what I initially started with."
"It is, whatever you had sounded like some Chat GPT ish, ain't make no sense." Moses joked making Simon smack his teeth.
"So you got jokes nigga?" Moses threw his hands up laughing lightly."I ain't bout to play with you choir boy." Moses sucked his teeth.
"How long you gone call me that?"
"If ain't nobody calking you choir boy? Im dead" Moses shook his head."Man quit speaking like that, play too much."
Simon only laughed.
"I'm being honest though, you still go to church every Sunday"
"Yep."
"And Thursday? And Friday?" Moses nodded his head as Simon shook his head in disapproval.
"They got to loosen the reigns man, I ain't no atheist or nothing like that but don't nobody needs to be in church that much, too much of any good thing can be a bad thing, you ever heard that saying?"
"I heard it but I really don't wanna hear my dad's mouth about how I'm bailing out on the church to go be with the world. I rather just go and get it over with." Simon shook his head.
"That's rough as hell, ain't it all old people? Do you even see people yo' age up in there?"
"Nah, not really. It's only this one girl named Carmen but we don't talk like that, I think she got a boyfriend or some. She recently brought a friend though who just moved here, her name Sunset."
"Sunset? I like that name. What she looking like?" Simon asked, Moses smiled to himself."She pretty..she got a little lisp to, kinda short-"
"Damn I ain't say describe ha ass, you like her or some?" Simon exclaimed laughing making Moses smacked his teeth.
"I barely know her man, you know I don't like people that quick-"
"Which is why it always take you so long to find somebody, don't be picky nigga, if you see some you like? Lock it down. What's the wait?" Moses shook his head. Simon favorite saying was lock it down and that was used to describe every breathing woman he saw. He didn't have to know anything about her, as long as she was breathing and somewhat decent? Simon was always screaming about locking it down although he himself always stayed single.
"Nah man, she already seemed to be going through a lot. She just moved here, her mom passed bout a year ago and I don't know..She just settling in and shit. She not up for no relationship-"
"Thought you ain't like her like that" Moses smacked his teeth."I don't man! I'm just saying..Even if I did, I wouldn't pursue her."
"You always letting women pass you by" Moses sucked his teeth.
"I'm bout tired of you man, I'm done for the day." Moses said getting up from the table and collecting his stuff as he began walking away, Simon shook his head and stood up as well.
"Don't run away for the truth, nigga" Simon exclaimed Moses continued walking as he made sure to quickly flip Simon the bird as Simon held his chest and gasped as he looked around dramatically to see if anyone else had saw that.
"I'm phoning Pastor Hakeem on yo ass!" Moses waved him off as he continued walking out the campus and to the parking lot to his car, even in the far distance Moses could hear the loud sound of Simon cackling. Moses shook his head as he checked his phone to make sure he didn't have any missed calls from his mom or dad. Moses had always made sure to turn his phone completely off so he could focus on his school work, he liked giving his undivided attention to one thing at a time. Moses wasn't too big on multitasking.
Moses went to his instagram as he refreshed his feed and saw a photo of Carmen as he liked it. He saw that she had recently posted her on her story and clicked on it as he saw a photo of her and Sunset, he kept going through her story and it was a video of her and Sunset. Sunset was dancing around the house with a cowboy hat on acting as if she was on a horse as Moses smiled a bit. She seemed to have a personality outside of her shyness and it probably because she wasn't that comfortable with strangers.
Moses clicked on her instagram page and decided to follow her, he looked at all her pictures and knew it would be overkill to like all ten of them so he just liked one.
In no way was he taking Simon advice about pursuing her because his thoughts still stand that he could see that she had a lot going on but he couldn't help but be curious about her. She interested him and she had a certain charm to her that he couldn't put his finger on. Moses closed his phone shoving it back in his pocket as he unlocked his car door and went inside.
He was done with class for today and was on his way home. Moses had a busy schedule, it was mostly work,study and church and it left little to no space for Moses to actually have a life. He feared that he was missing out on being young and missing out on having fun, he was in college yet hasn't yet lived the actually college experience.
Simon kept pestering about this party Thursday night and Moses just might muster up the courage to ask his father if he could go. He avoided asking to avoid arguememt but Moses was damn near grown now and it was now or never. He had to put himself out there and actually mingle or he'd look back and regret it, he sometimes felt as if he was an old man. Everyone described him as a little too calm, a little too mature, always promoting him to act a little more rebellious and a little more carefree.
But Moses grew up in a strong Christian faith house hold and that church guilt was like no other, but Moses didn't think he was doing anything bad by wanting to attend a party.
He didn't have to drink or smoke to have fun, he just wanted to be different for one night. Be something other than church going Moses for once.
Not much could happen in one night.