Jake is currently staring at the mirror as he fixes his hair with the comb, getting ready to head back home with Sunghoon.
As he do so, the memory of them yesterday flashes back in his mind.. making him smile midway.
That was the best feeling that Jake ever had.
He don't care anymore if Sunghoon and him is still in their fuck buddy relationship, he don't care if these may turn out that just acts, he'll act dumb and willingly get himself fooled.
But he doubt that, he knows Sunghoon better than anyone.
This isn't an act and it would never be.
__
As they walk their way out the café and look for a cab, Jake decided to break the silence.
"so.." at one word, he made Sunghoon turn immediately.
he looked at him in the eye, "what.. are we?"
A pause.
Shock was evident on Sunghoon's expression, Jake could clearly tell that his mind was not prepared to answer a totally random question that came out of nowhere.
"i mean like.. i like you.. and i'm not sure if you like me too but based from what happened yesterday, it got my hopes up, but like i still don't want to assume so i'm asking what are we.." Jake explains.
They're definitely not friends, not strangers either, they were fuck buddies but it felt like all is different now, and to tell you the truth.. they stopped making love since the blind date.
This was the first time someone asked Sunghoon a "what are we"? question. And.. he know he's a smart person yet.. he have no any idea what to respond.
I mean.. Jake was really different from others, his difference was so evident, he was the only one whom stayed this longer by my side.
He's the only person that made me feel so many unfamiliar things, he's the only one who can make my heart sometimes or actually always go crazy, it always give me chills, i couldn't explain it clearly but it's like in the movies where their heart beats fast when the killer starts chasing them.
That's how i can describe what i'm feeling everytime i see him, only the difference is, Jake isn't a killer.
We're not in a horror movie.
Whenever i fantasize about being in a relationship with someone, the partner i'm with was faceless before, but now, whenever i think about it, Jake comes in my mind.
He became the person my mind think whenever i imagine a future relationship with someone.
I've fallen for him, not just now.. but since from the beginning.
I'm aware but just couldn't bring myself from saying these to him.
But i'm really 100% sure that i love him.
[ these was all Sunghoon's thoughts ]
He looked down, around, to think of the right words to say. It was easy to recite in his mind but having Jake infront of him suddenly made him all nervous and forget all of the deepest words he was supposed to say.
A simple "i like you" would do but he knows.. "like" isn't deep as "love", he loves Jake, he loves how he blushes everytime he flirts, how he gets annoyed everytime he teases him, how he softly smiles at him, how he colors his surroundings everytime he see him, how warm it feels to have him in his embrace, he love everything.
And he want Jake to know all of that.
Jake bit his lip, Sunghoon has been silent.
He's not dumb to not take the sign, he can clearly tell what Sunghoon's body language indicates, "nevermind", he smiled out of it.
Sunghoon looked back at him with confusion, "nevermind"? what was that? why did he said that? he thinks.
"that was out of nowhere" he laughed, "i mean who am i to ask that, right?"
no, i actually want to tell you something.. Sunghoon's hand wanted to reach out as he desperately wants to say those words but he somehow just couldn't.
He feel like he's the most dumbest person in the world right now, he feels so guilty that he couldn't express himself the way he wants to.
He envy those people that can easily express their feelings.
Jake expected that he would hear an assurance but,
"i'm sorry.."
And that mentally shattered him, thinking that he just made everything worse.
He scratched the back of his neck, "i gotta go now, i.." he took a deep breath, "i'll see you tommorow.."
Sunghoon wanted to stop him but he just stood there, staring at him as he express that he wants him to stop by his eyes.
But Jake smiled at him and goes in a cab driving towards him.
When he got inside.. that's when Jake's tears bursted out.
....
Sunghoon looked down, thinking of everything when the cab started to drive away.
He thinks of being like this his whole life.. a loser who's struggling to express his feelings.
He don't even understand how it's easy for almost every people in the world to express what they feel.
Sure, he learned alot about flirting and whatsoever stuffs but when it comes to these romantic stuffs, he have no any idea what he's supposed to react or say.
When he was in his still studying era, he met alot of important people yet most of them left and it's not like he didn't want them to stay but because he don't know how to make them stay.
but now.. the smile that Jake just did earlier.. it's so bitter.. and forced, it's like a farewell smile.
He grasped his chest tightly as it started to hurt.
I don't want to lose him..
he thinks over and over as he feel like his heart is getting squeezed so hard that he can't breathe.
The moments of them flashes back in his mind, he stare at the cab that just stopped, the traffic light that is signalling that the green light will turn after 20 seconds..
as he do, someone felt like just whispered to him, "are you gonna let yourself lose him?"
"no.." he whispered.
I can live with anyone leaving me but if Jake.. leaves me, i don't think i'll be able to handle it.
"no." this time with full confidence.
He glanced over at the traffic lights and 5 seconds until it goes green, he ran.
He smiled as he was already midway but the green goes and all of the cars started to drive away, including the cab.
"no, i can't lose you" he didn't stop from running and actually gave his all to run, starting to shout and signal.
He kept shouting Jake's name as he run towards the cab whose getting away.
Jake meanwhile was too busy crying to even care about his surroundings.
The driver coincidentally glanced over on the side mirror and saw a man running towards them and as if it's telling for them to stop, his brows furrowed.
"uh, sir?"
Jake sniffs and wiped the tears, "yes? ah wait- i haven't tell you where i live-"
"there's a man running towards us, i think it was the man behind you earlier, should i stop?"
Jake's brows furrowed and looked back, his eyes widened to see Sunghoon.
"yes, yes stop.." the driver stopped and Jake immediately got off.
And since they haven't traveled too far yet, the driver let the money pass.
The feeling of Jake's heart being shattered into pieces was now fastly beating as he stare at Sunghoon going its way to him.
He could hear him shouting his name and it all.. made him slowly smile.
Once Sunghoon got infront him, he took time to catch his breath.
"i.."
"I'm sorry.." He started.
Sunghoon slowly reached out for his hand as he broke down after keeping it all in since earlier, Jake's brows furrowed and kneel down with him, he saw tears going down his cheeks that made him caress them and wipe it off, "i'm sorry.. i'm sorry for being an asshole that can't express it own feelings"
"i'm sorry for confusing you.. and that i kept you waiting.."
"i'm just sorry for everything"
His grip at Jake's hand tightened, not that tight that it hurts him.
"i love you, i don't know why i'm just saying that now but i have been loving you since from the beginning, i love how you blushes everytime, how you get annoyed everytime i teases you, how you softly smiles at me, how you color my surroundings everytime i see you, how warm it feels to have you in my embrace, how it's good to feel having someone to worry about me, i love everything..."
"and earlier when i thought that i was losing you.. i was terrified"
"the smile you gave me.. it's like.. you're telling me that you're leaving.."
"i can't live without you so please.. stay.. by my side"
"i don't think i can go on living without you.."
Jake wiped his tears and smiled at him, "i won't go anywhere, i won't leave you Sunghoon."
"shook all your worries away, because.. me too, i can't and i would never dare to leave you"
Sunghoon smiled back, "so to answer that what are we.." he removed his hand from caressing his face and intertwine it with his, "would.. you like to go out with me?"
"i mean.. don't get me wrong i want you to be my boyfriend but based on what people said and according to my research-", a surprised peck came from Jake, making Sunghoon froze on his spot, "i should court you first.." he continued in a very low tone.
"yes! why ask me if the answer is already obvious?, yes Sunghoon, i would love to go out with you"
Sunghoon smiled as he tuck the hair strands behind his ear, "i would be glad to experience the rest of my firsts with you"
"thank you, for making me understand love.." kiss.
Their grip tightened.
"for making me experience to love."