You have a feeling it's been months since they've thrown you into the dungeons – commonly named „the room" by them. Without the calendar on the wall, you've completely lost track of time. The only things defining the flow of time for you have been sunsets, sunrises and regularly delivered meals.
Is this what the prisoners feel when they have to go through the process of resocialization? Right, if they sentenced you to death, you'd probably be feeling more like a prisoner soon-to-be getting rid of by the country on an unknown date. At least you're in a situation where you don't need to fret for your life anymore.
However, even though you used to complain a lot about your job, now you have to admit that without it, you just don't know what to do. Because how much can you actually rest? When working, humans find a goal in their life and the feeling that their doings hold any meaning. The problem appears the moment you work from dawn till dusk, with no breaks for lunch, or in the company of such annoying coworkers that one may as well off themselves.
And if you are to be completely honest with yourself, you really miss it – or just any – job now. Maybe you're a typical workaholic, who knows. In the end, even when you were doing something for free, you always give it your all, not rarely bringing unnecessary stress on yourself.
Shame that instead of noticing your good intentions and put them to use, Hijikata decided to depart to the other side of the world – for your nineteenth centuries' calculations, at least. Osaka may not be as far away as Tokyo (or rather Edo); still, getting there requires much more time than in your world.
You sigh heavily, massaging your aching neck. You've tried to change positions during sitting to avoid muscle atrophy. But it's not like you've had that many options to choose from – the room's small and if you wanted to walk from one side to another, you'd only make a few steps.
Finally, your boredom reaches its peak, winning against your fear of getting punished. It's not like anyone may use any reprimands on you right now – the NPC Hijikata and the NPC Sannan are in Osaka on a mission anyway. Without them, it may be a bit less lively here but it doesn't seem like any of the captains are going to be harsh on you... even Okita.
That's why, you look through the window and – after making sure no one's around – you go sightseeing. Most of the places are already quite well-known to you by now but you suffer from a lack of company – and this has been rather sparse, as when the vicecommander headed south, the captains have been slacking off with their watch; it wasn't once or twice for them to leave you alone, probably thinking you won't try stepping out of the room anyway.
First, you take a peek inside of the dining room but there's no one to be seen. Maybe you should take a look at the inner courtyard? Something's always going on there. While the temperature outside may not encourage you to take on some physical activity, you should be able to bear it. You were born in Kyoto after all.
You hide behind a nearby tree, trying to see if there's any unwanted company around. To your surprise, the courtyard seems to be mostly empty – mostly, because Okita and Saito are occupying it.
You scrunch your eyebrows in bafflement. Are they fighting or not? They both have swords by their side. However, Okita is sitting on the platform, dangling carelessly his legs, while Saito looks as if he's practicing... swings? You're unsure as your knowledge on martial art is none; but it's probably what they call it.
Come on, don't be a coward. You take a deep breath and decide to approach them.
"Hey," you chat up with your arms crossed, trying to calm your nerves. Except for their watch, you've been barely seeing each other lately. So barely that you've almost forgotten how to talk to them. "What's up?"
They show no signs of surprise at the view of you – as if they've been expecting you not to listen to Hijikata's orders and finally slip out of your room. You feel the urge to sigh. Are you really this predictable?
"Morning," says Okita first. "What are you thinking about?"
"Do I need to think about anything?" you immediately reply with a scowl.
"Well, with such an empty head, it may probably be a challenge to think at all," he laughs up provokingly.
"Then it may be too late to treat yours," you respond, giving him a death glare.
"Why is it, you have to argue with each other, whenever you meet?" sighs out Saito. You don't know whether it's a rhetorical question or is he completely serious. For you, it's clear as day that when two equally temperamental characters clash with each other, there's always explosion to be seen.
"It's not a fight, just a lively exchange," claims the taller one with a shrug. Your mom has been saying the same thing during your parents' fight.
"By the way, why were you staring at us like that?"
You blink upon hearing the shorter captain's question, not knowing how to answer. Because how are you supposed to explain to them that, in your times, not many know how to wield a sword and people are singing up for the karate lessons more willingly than kendo?
"You know, in my times, sword fighting isn't as popular as in yours. It's a rare sight to see a samurai duel." You give up on searching for better words to name it. One intrusive idiot would surely pressure you as he's not known to simply let it go.
"Hmm? Really?" Okita rests a hand against his chin with amusement, his emerald eyes eyeing you up. "Is there anyone in your times that actually knows how to fight with a sword in the first place then?"
"Well... Yes," you reply, coming closer. You lean on the fence. "Though to be honest, I've only seen a duel like this only once in my life... when I was still at school," you add, giggling lightly.
They both look at your in bafflement. Right, they've probably never been to school.
"In my times, schools are commonly available and everyone's studying there," you explain. "Well... At least we don't have much problem with illiteracy anymore. But most of the people still doesn't speak English very well."
"I'm not talking about this." Saito shakes his head. "You mentioned you have seen a samurai duel only once... Does it mean you've never had a sword in your hand?"
"Err, y-yes..." You feel more ashamed the more you admit it. You must seem remarkably stupid to them as you don't know such fundamental thing as self-defense.
"Do you wish to try?" asks the shorter captain straight out.
"M-me...?" You blink startled, completely unsure how to react.
"No, me," snickers out Okita, rolling his eyes. "I can lend you my sword if you want." He gives a careless shrug.
Both of them are unusually kind to you today, especially your former bully. What's gotten into them all of a sudden?
"I will hold back, but you need not," adds Saito after a moment. "Come at me with your most powerful strike."
"By the way, why are you so nice to me today? Kondou-san's orders or what?" you blurt out at last. You scrunch your eyebrows, not knowing what to think. You don't want artificial kindness or even sincere one... You deserve neither this, neither that.
"Nay, leave Kondou-san out of this," says the taller one lightly. "Maybe you haven't noticed when sitting in the room all the time but it's been pretty boring here lately."
True, Hijikata has been in Osaka for some time after all. Apparently, Okita doesn't have anyone to get on their nerves now. So you're just a temporary cheap amusement to him. You want to sigh.
"Thanks for the offer, but I'll pass," you laugh out nervously. Maybe the opportunity like this won't happen twice, but whatever.
"Why?" Okita frowns. It's probably about him wanting to give you his sword; he must feel as if you don't appreciate his good will. But what are you supposed to do? You aren't good at anything and, moreover, you are scared that with you clumsiness, you can unintentionally hurt someone.
"Because I'm all fingers and thumbs and I can even trip on a smooth road," you mutter out. They will laugh at you, you know that.
"It's no obstacle. Everyone has to start somewhere." Saito sends you a gentle smile. This smile is probably intended to cheer you up but it only makes you more depressed than before. Great that he believes in you but he gets his hopes up on a really fatal person.
"There's something else to it." You are tapping the tips of your pointing fingers against each other. "I'm so clumsy that I can even accidentally cause someone harm. I wouldn't be surprised to trip over nothing and pierce through your eye or something along these lines..."
This must've really amused Okita as he's holding his belly now as if the laugh's about to kill him. You glower at him.
"I know I'm hopeless but there's nothing funny about it!"
"Nothing? You just said you'd be able to hurt Hajime-kun," replies he through the cackle, brushing his tear away. "Why would I not laugh?"
"Then be it your way. I don't talk to suckers," you whisper to yourself, ignoring him. "I don't want to hurt anyone. That's why... I can't fight with you. I hope you'll understand," you sum up, this time directing your words at the shorter captain. You believe that at least he won't laugh.
He then gives you a small smile as a reply. He opens his lips as if about to say something but he staggers a bit and puts his hand to his head as a sign of dizziness.
"Maybe I chose a good option for once," you comment despite yourself, scanning him thoroughly. Saito seems to be paler than usual. "Aren't you anemic?"
"Ignore him," responds the taller one, swaying his hand carelessly. "He already fainted today during training so I told him to rest in his room. And you know what he did? Didn't listen. So if he's so keen on killing themselves, we're just gonna let him." The corners of his lips raise. And yet, every effort to seek joy or amusement in his smirk would go in vain. Now to think of it... Okita's been exceptionally cold at this moment. Can it be that Saito's stubbornness actually pain him?
"I am good," sighs the captain of the third division, regaining the balance.
"If you say so..." you mutter out, even though your heart ache when you look at him.
Watching Saito's suffering is not an idea that would be welcomed by you. Thus you are wondering whether it's time for you to conveniently disappear. After all, the injured one already has a caretaker able to take him to the room if he faints. You wouldn't be very helpful anyway – you don't have as much strength as the average soldier.
And then you hear a loud chatting coming from the frontal gale. You scrunch your eyebrows, turning into the direction of the noise.
"Huh?"
The sound shows no sign of stopping so you decide to investigate its source.
Carefully, you approach the door and hide behind it. The owners of the voice are not very surprising though – they happen to be Harada and Nagakura. Still, they seem as if they don't want anyone to see them at any cost.
You sigh voicelessly, raising your eyes to the sky. You are wondering what is all this hassle about. You sincerely don't believe these two can be troublemakers – nobody's taught you about it during History lessons at least. Besides, what trouble can they cause if they're already police and have every right to use weapons? Did they cut the wrong person on accident or what?
"Boo!" you yell, sneaking on Nagakura.
"W-what?!" You haven't expected it but you startle him so hard that he jumps. Is he really a member of Shinsengumi or did someone misplace him?
"Sorry, I guess I exaggerated it a bit," you laugh out nervously. Now you feel stupid for scaring him. "Where are you going? By the way, can I come with you?" You don't know where are they going, but if the matter is supposed to be confidential, then it means a lot of fun too. And there's no need to worry about them snitching on you, if they can't be busted either.
"Well, I don't really care but..." starts saying Harada with a troubled smile. "I don't think you're gonna have a lot of fun." You raise your eyebrow at his words.
"H-hey! No, you idiot, we can't take her!" protests Nagakura. "Besides, she can't go outside the camp!"
"Huh? Oh, right. We aren't supposed to let you out of the house." The taller one scratches his head as if he remembered it just a second ago. "Wait... Are you even allowed to leave your room without an escort?"
Shit. He just had to go and get a lot smarter now. All thanks to Nagakura! You used to think that together, they're pretty much like apes – stupid... But these two apes may be much more intelligent together than you used to think.
"Don't answer a question with a question," you remark, trying to get out of this situation. "So where were you saying you were going?" You flutter your eyelashes innocently.
"Don't change the subject," snickers up Harada, shaking his head at your doings. "Ah well, whatever. We're on our way to Shimabara, if you really want to know."
It was all about Shimabara then! You'd never guess – mainly because Shimabara was only a mere tourist attraction in your times. People usually went there to shoot some nice photos, not to fuck like now.
"Oh, so you're having hookups?" you summarize it up. Actually, the said red light district has a few other buildings where sexual services are actually banned and the amusement focuses more on geishas. Still, you really doubt whether they would allow you to accompany them, if it was about anything else than prostitution.
Nagakura blinks a few times for a moment, staring at you with his mouth wide open. He seems to be completely stunned by you. Did you kill him with your vulgarity? You look to the side with embarrassment.
"Oh, and just in case, I don't mind. Let me know if you change your mind and decide to take me with you." You send them a wink, then give a big sigh. You'd even accept a trip like this if it meant not getting bored anymore in the Yagi house.
"C'mon, what're you doing, telling a girl the truth about us going to Shimabara..." Shattered Nagakura finally sighs.
"You know me. I can't lie," replies Harada. His gaze is as gentle as a deer's. "Besides, it's not like we're up to no good or something." He shrugs.
"Not you, maybe. You're just coming to drink," says firmly Nagakura.
"So you are the one that looks for a hookup?" You immediately catch on the topic. You want to tease him a bit, using the fact that he's so ashamed of his manly needs.
"Well, err... I mean, yes, there's alcohol, but you know, girls pour drinks for you..." He cuts off in the middle and starts to laugh out of a sudden, as if realizing he told you too much.
Oh right, except many beautiful prostitutes, there's a lot of geishas too. Their beauty either is a match or exceeds the one of prostitutes. And if you have to be honest? You're jealous of them as you personally don't consider yourself pretty... You don't care if they ended up there because of being sold by their own parents. Ugly women always have had it harder in their life than ugly men – no matter the times; it's never changed.
Still, you don't believe in Harada's explanation. After all, everyone knows that men more than alcohol treasure a company of attractive women. The only thing you don't know is why he doesn't want to admit it. Is it his pride? Or perhaps... he wants to score points with you?
"By the way, you want to drink in broad daylight?" you ask, not exactly understanding it. Mostly people visit Shimabara at night if you remember correctly. And you don't need much to estimate a time of the day to be afternoon.
"Isn't it every man's dream? To drink while the light and life of the day is young," answers Harada simply.
Yeah, what have you been expecting anyway? It's always been about the same. You wake up at the hopeless hour, you work at the hopeless place, then you return to your hopeless family and in the end, you drown this feeling of hopelessness in alcohol... Exactly like your father.
But it's okay, this is life. You should've gotten used to it. Alcohol and cheap sex are the only desires on every man's mind. Oh, and naïve teenagers – you're not ignorant; you know each man adores them too.
And yet, you can sense charming aura surrounding Harada that makes you want to believe this one's different. But your heart just can't open up and crush again. You got disappointed too many times to simply trust him.
"Still, I think that getting wasted in broad daylight may not be a good idea." You shake your head with worry. If they're mindful of Shinsengumi's reputation, they shouldn't drink alcohol during the day. If something happens on the street, they'll be too drunk to adequately react to it. Even you used to drink after getting finished with your work and your job was far from pleasant.
"Yeah, I see your point. It's not really proper to drink at this hour," says Nagakura seriously. "Kyoto's been really dangerous lately, though. And we're not free to roam at night like normal people."
You didn't give it any thought. But he was right, now everything is starting to make sense. If having fun at night means more work for them – because some ronins would surely notice the familiar faces and make a mess – maybe it's really better to postpone it. After all, Shimabara must be empty at this hour.
"So, to hell with how appropriate it is! A man's gotta live! We're gonna party whenever we feel like it!" he sums up cheerfully.
You nod in understanding. You said what you had to and you aren't going to lecture them about morality of their actions. Besides, you are far from perfect too so you're the last person to judge them.
Suddenly, winded Heisuke comes out from behind you. You look at him, blinking slowly.
"Err, ____?" The boy seems to be as surprised as you. "Are you coming with us or what?" He scrunches his eyebrows, not understanding it at all. Is your presence so undesired by them?
"No," you respond truthfully, just in case Harada decides to announce out loud your restrictions once again. "I still haven't received official permission to leave the house. And since Hijikata-san's still in Osaka and I don't want to make him mad..."
"Got it... That sucks," replies Heisuke, having no other way to answer it.
"Not as much as you if you look for hookups at such young age," you state, sighing theatrically. Bullying him is not your goal but you can't help but tease him. Besides, who normally wanders around the red light district, when still as young as him? Maybe the way people are living in the Edo period is different than in your times, but it doesn't mean you will quickly get used to it.
"Wh-wha...? What did you tell her?!" he calls out to his two companions. "Besides, I'm not going there for the girls, I just wanna hang out with these two!" he protests, pointing his head at his partners-in-crime.
"Well, maybe if you dressed up like a real women, it'd be enough eye candy to keep us out of trouble," chimes in Harada, sending you a cheeky smile.
You are overwhelmed by a wave of anxiety. You don't like female clothing: stilettos are a hassle to run in, skirts are able to deter anyone from comfortable sitting position and makeup may even hide a true face beneath it. But little girls have been told from the start, they are supposed to be womanly. You remember how, when you were still a few years old, you kept on hearing that soccer is not for girlies. Instead, they were bombarding you with the dances, choirs and other activities "meant for the women".
"R-really?" you ask, not knowing how to tell them that female outfits make you uncomfortable.
"Yeah, hell yeah! You'd be real cute," adds Heisuke. "Once stuff settles down, you oughta start dressing like a girl again."
Your lips change into a thin line. Non-ending expectations and no question on your opinion again. They always remain inside of the same bubble, craving pretty views, not dwelling on how much time you have to spend to adjust your appearance each morning before work. You don't matter to them. You should've seen it coming.
"I'm sorry but I can't," you finally say.
"Why not?" asks the boys surprised. "We're only talking about a quick change of outfits. Easy."
For them, it's a piece of cake. They've never heard jokes about their appearance – and you've heard plenty: about your eyes, your nose, your height, your breasts, your skin... They've never ceased. Even if you ever decide to try and wear something matching your biological gender, you are sure you'll be looking hideous. The world wants the ideal women with filters, not the real women with defects.
"It's just... I don't know if I feel comfortable enough to put on female clothing." You smile sadly, expecting no understanding from them. Harada doesn't look particularly disappointed though.
"Well, that makes sense. Understood. We won't force it," replies gently the redhead.
"Whaaat...? C'mon, Sano-san," whines Heisuke.
"Chill out, buddy. It's okay to let the things be sometimes," declares Harada optimistically.
Despite feeling misunderstood and having lots of fears first, now you're slowly regaining your energy thanks to Harada. This guy apparently has a talent for lifting up your spirit and soothing your pain, and it already happened a few times – even if he's never an idea what you've been coming through.
"You should hurry up, otherwise they might just bust you," you suggest, a bit more cheerful.
"You won't tell anyone you've seen us?" asks Heisuke. He looks pretty cute with panic in his eyes, but you don't tease him more; enough messing with him today.
"I'll be as silent as the grave," you claim confidently. "No need to worry about it."
"I'll bring you back something delicious," offers Harada. "What food do you like?"
"Err..." You haven't expected it at all. You don't know how to answer. "Maybe tangerines? If they're not in stock, just grab anything else, I'll eat everything... Oh, and tomorrow, we can eat them together! I-I mean, if you want..." you nervously laugh. You are wondering whether you sound so stupid for real or if you're just overreacting.
"Sounds good," says the redhead. "See ya then."
"As soon as Hijikata gives you permission to go out, we'll take you wherever you want to go!" adds the boy briskly.
"Thank you." You give him a smile, looking down with embarrassment.
"So, we'll be off now," announces Nagakura.
You raise your hand, ready to wave but the sound of steps interrupts you. The owner is approaching you so fast, that you can't warn anyone on time.
"And just where do you think you're going?" questions Inoue in a serious tone. It can't end up well for them. It seems that, despite absence of Hijikata and Sannan, the Shinsengumi warriors have been still monitored by someone else.
"Ah, damn it... It just had to be Gen-san, huh?" mutters out the man in a headband.
"Yikes, we're in for it now..." whispers Harada to the taller companion, his predecessor.
Just as these three have always been hanging out together, now all the three are silent and avoiding eye contact with Inoue. It's a bit childish but on the other hand, you know they probably aren't very capable of lying. If they just take a quick glance at him, Inoue will probably recognize they're not telling him the truth. At least, they're in trouble together and strength's in numbers, right? Even when someone is getting punished.
"Ahh, well, you know, Gen-san... We were going to go... train! That's all! – A poor excuse made by the boy. He tried at least.
"Y-yeah, exactly! Like Heisuke said!" adds Nagakura fierily. "I mean, it's so nice outside, even the breeze is warm..."
"My goodness, you're all so diligent!" responds Inoue, his gaze immediately softening. "We train together so rarely these days though. Might I join you?"
He seems to be really happy about it, unlike the rest of them. A training must be the last thing on their minds.
You don't wish them ill so you decide to get them out of this distress. Meaning – to the best of your efforts.
"Err, you guys are really going to train...?" you reply with artificial laugh which may sound kind of dumb, but you are still thinking on how to help them out.
"Oh man, I'm sorry!" says Heisuke, putting his hand on his head. "I wanted to train with you all, but I just remembered I had plans for today!"
Plans? You raise your brow, wondering what is he going to say now.
"See, I already promised her that I'd help her sightseeing," claims the boy bravely. You stare at him, not uttering a word as to not rat him out. "She gets lost often. Right?!"
"Uhh..."
"Come on, please! Go along with me!" begs you silently Heisuke. He's looking at you like a pony that's getting beaten; you can't refuse him.
"Y-yes, that's right..."
Quite an alibi! Maybe you're not the best at remembering locations but the more time you spend here, the more you know the surroundings. And even when they keep you isolated, you know where a dining room, gathering room and provisional bathroom are. But, on the other hand, maybe with Heisuke by your side, there won't be any complaints about you leaving your room at least...
"Right?! Totally!" Apparently, he's planning to depart for somewhere so he almost grabs you by your hand. However, since you're a bit taller than him, he ends up grabbing your elbow. You want to slap him for touching without permission but his wasted trip to Shimabara is enough punishment.
When the boy is dragging you into the direction only known by him, Nagakura decides to show him what he thinks of his betrayal.
"Hold on there Heisuke, really think you can..." he mutters out with a scowl to his face. But before he manages to finish his line, he gets interrupted by Harada.
"I'd better come too," suggests the redhead foxily. "Make sure none of the guys give you any trouble."
"If you say so..." You may as well just go with the flow. You have nothing to lose anyway.
"I see, I see," says Inoue lost in thought. "Well, Harada-kun does have a point. I'll leave her in your care, then. All right, Nagakura-kun, shall we go?" He turns directly to the man in headband.
"I expected this from Heisuke, but you, Sano?" hisses Nagakura discreetly to the taller companion. He seems as if he's about to get hanged, not participate in training.
"Time to go," whispers Harada to you.
"Shinpatsu-san got a bit of a short-temper," declares the boy silently. He has a rebellious smirk plastered to his face, which is telling you that he's quite enjoying himself by getting his friend into trouble.
Heisuke grips your elbow tightly and quickens his step, while Harada keeps on lightly pushing you forward. Both are keen on going as far from Nagakura as possible.
"You rat bastards! Come back here!" Even though you've been so far away from the gate, you can still hear his pathetic whines. You suppose that if Julius Caesar was screaming when he was being murdered, than he surely must sound like him.
Heisuke and Harada don't take it seriously though. Actually, it amuses them – as soon as they hear his distant cries for help and make sure Inoue can't see them, they break into sincere loud laughter. And, at some point, you notice that their laugh is infectious. You don't even know what all of you are cackling at and yet, you can't stop it.
Hey!
Wow, it's been such a long time from the last chapter that I've managed to forget what has been happening here.. So I ended up doing a summary for each chapter (and since I had no summaries done for this fic at all, it took some time to do all 12, uhh) :I
I dunno if I should write another chapter of the Backstage at this moment with the references to the previous chapter of my main fic (it'd include spoilers but it'd at least explain the present threads) as the plot gets a bit messy from now on – I wish I had it already written tho xd So either expect the next chapter of my main story (here), or the next chapter of my side stories (the Backstage).
I'd also like to explain why I left my Hakuouki fic for so long. As you may know, the fandom is not very big and for a long, long time even the authors have been releasing nothing (we only got 3 OVA episodes; even though the merch and games keep coming out, everything is catered to Chinese and Japanese audience and nothing is being translated to English). I know that there are surely those who are still fans, but it really sucks to have so little people to talk about my favorite series...
Besides, I have to sincerely admit, all past year I've lost all my passion for writing or rather for everything (for a short time, I've only been writing the Baldur's Gate 3 fic during my fixation on the game, but that was it). I've come to the point of life where I feel like I'm in a deadlock and I don't know what to do anymore. And since my lack of muse (cause by a lack of the official content) mixed at some point with my private issues, I can't tell you for sure whether I'll finish writing any of my fanfiction series, especially the Hakuouki ones. I may have endings on my mind but my fanfics are usually so long, they would easily be mistaken for trilogies or stuff xd
Oh, and when it comes to the title of this chapter, I think everybody already knows what it means since it's a popular word. Just in case – it's about a person who stays at home and doesn't come out (it often refers to the young people addicted to technologies who isolate themselves at their room, unable to bear the society's expectations).
I've also created a ko-fi page so if you want to show your appreciation when financially stable, you can offer me a coffee! It'll be used for the book covers, art for my fics and overall - for a good cause.
And in the end, I'd like to thank everyone who reads this. I know I am no fine writer, I have no books released with my name and you could probably spend your time better than on my gibberish writings. But it's all I have. I'm not good at anything, I just paint my thoughts on the paper – when I feel pain, grief, happiness or anger. This is why I'm so happy, seeing your comments, likes or bookmarks.
I hate being so sentimental xd But I dunno when will the next chapter be up and when will we meet again so for now' I'd like to say... THANK YOU!