Half of the credits to my girl <3 stars-byshawmila
(WARNING: +18)
***
Shawn's POV
May 25, 2023
- Stop, just stop. - She begs me, trying not to burst out laughing as I keep my eyes on her, walking backwards down the sidewalk. - You're going to bump into people, Shawn.
- Then they'll be very lucky. - I just say, joking of course, making her laugh at last with her angelic smile that makes my heart race.
- Silly... - Camila shakes her head, nudging me in the right direction as I stop my games, walking beside her, enjoying the fact that I exist in her life somehow.
I'd like to define what we really are, but I'm far from knowing. I'm trying not to put pressure, even though sometimes barbarities slip out like telling her I love her when she doesn't expect it, scaring her... What I know is that if we screw this up... there will be no turning back. And as sad as it sounds, it's true. She knows it too. I see the fear pierce her eyes every night we spend together.
It's very overwhelming for both of us, but here we are still at the bottom of the barrel. Let's see who jumps into the void first.
- I'm tired, and I don't understand why. I go to the gym more regularly than I used to. - She says, hanging on my arm.
- Did you do the same routine?
- Hmm... no. - She murmurs.
- There you go.
- Ugh, should we...? - She mumbles, catching my attention.
- What?
- No, forget it. - Her tone and face are total embarrassment as she looks straight down at the floor.
- Mila... what's up? - I insist, tugging gently on her ponytail.
- I was going to say if... we could go get something to eat outside after we shower, so we don't have to cook but.... I feel like lately I'm the one coming up with these plans, you know? And then you feel obligated to follow through, so.... You know what, forget it. I'm... - Camila keeps babbling things to herself and I can't help but find it so adorable that I smile, and then she notices and taps my chest in annoyance. - See? That's why I can't tell you things, you don't take me seriously.
- I do, Mila.
- Yeah, right... - She rolls her eyes, puts on her sunglasses and walks faster to leave me behind, but I quickly pull ahead. - Shawn...
- Mila... - I pout at her, stopping her for a moment, blocking her way every time she tries to escape until a smile tugs at the corner of her lips.
- You are impossible. - She snorts, hugging me lightly.
We're about to kiss when someone, a fan, interrupts us, and I see Camila get shy, pulling away so I can quickly give my autograph while the cameras we were ignoring all along get louder, annoying us until we disappear inside my building.
- I'll shower first, if you don't mind. - She tells me, blinking provocatively.
- Ok.
Camila stares at me for a few seconds before nodding and turning away, storing the rest of her smoothie in the fridge, saying she'll be out soon.
I clearly know she was expecting me to accompany her, but I need to do something to reassure her about what she was telling me earlier.
After arranging the details for tonight, I can't take my eyes off her figure as she emerges from the bathroom, still spilling a little water from her hair to her little bare feet. I hold out my hand, inviting her to join me as I sit on the edge of the bed and she blushes adorably, rushing over to come and kiss me with her sweet, cool lips.
- You smell so good... - I murmur, lost in her scent, kissing her all over her collarbone as she sighs, fiddling with my hair.
- It's Chanel No. 5, baby. - Camila lets out a giggle as I find my way under her pink towel and caress her soft skin. - What are we going to do now?
- Whatever you want, sweetheart.
- You... tell me, Shawn. - She insists, trying to speak normally as I slip a finger into her even wetter center.
- All right... May I...? - I whisper in her ear as she nods without having heard the whole sentence before. - I want to worship you the way I like it.
- Please. - She says already out of breath, moving her hips to the rhythm of my finger, which suddenly receives the company of two more, making her desperate. - Oh, shit...
Camila holds on like a champ, leaning on her feet and my shoulders while I ram into her slowly on purpose to delay her climax.
Her wet hair falls over my face as she pushes me back, kissing me eagerly and moaning so loudly it turns me on even more. I lose control and gladly let her lead me, taking my power away, helping her get rid of my clothes that join her towel on the floor, not caring about getting my gym sweat all over the sheets because this is going to get dirtier anyway.
- Oh, yes... - I close my eyes, mesmerized beneath my senses, beneath her soft hands and lips that make their journey beyond my chest, pausing in my V-zone longer than I'd like. - Camila...
- Shh... - She keeps playing with me, moving closer to where I desperately need her but pulling away at the last second. Somewhere in the distance my phone rings. - Don't you dare, Shawn. - She warns me a little annoyed.
- Don't worry, I'm not moving from here, Señorita.
- Good, because you might have missed this.... - Her voice trails off as she runs her tongue along my hard flesh, making me shiver.
Oh, my God! This is so good.
Camila puts her hands on me, salivating all the way to the back of her throat where I ram her gently, not wanting to hurt her in any way as I'm losing my mind little by little.
- Do you like it? - She asks me as if I can answer when I'm out of breath and it's even worse when she sits on me, riding me so fucking hard. - Oh, Shawn! Sometimes... you make me want to hate you so bad....
Hmm... Am I supposed to answer that? And how?
- I'm sorry. - It's the best I can think of as she holds my face gently, kissing every nook and cranny.
- I'm sorry too, darling. - Her soft smile makes my heart beat incredibly fast. - I don't know what I'm doing, what is this, why are we here? Days go by and I still don't understand anything.
- Neither do I. - I whisper, kissing her red lips as she slows the pace above me, sheltered in my arms. - It's all so... confusing.
- Hell yes. - She nods, agreeing immediately. Her chocolate eyes focus on mine. - But confusing or not, I still want this to work. Do you?
- Yes, of course I do. I want it to work. - I say firmly, trying to convey the truth in every word so that she believes me, clearing up any doubts she might have.
Like that's ever going to happen, Shawn... Don't you already know her?
I clearly see the example in front of me, once again: the doubt dancing in her eyes, which turns into a certain reproach for a reason I don't know.
- What? - I ask her, suddenly stopping everything we were doing in order to keep up with the painful discussion that is looming so quickly in our imperfect universe.
Camila shakes her head, wrapping her towel around herself again and turning away from me.
- Hey, what's going on?
- I don't believe you, Shawn. - She snorts, as her eyes bore into mine, not so sweet anymore.
- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me... - I mumble to myself, but she can hear me anyway.
- Excuse me?
- Apology accepted, can we move on now? I don't want to do this anymore.
- See, I can tell you're not interested! - She screams out of nowhere, turning red as a tomato, arms crossed, pacing in front of me, far away from where I can touch her. - You don't care about me anymore, do you?
- For God's sake, Camila, you're talking nonsense! Of course I care about you and I do want this to work, but you're making it very difficult for me! - I yell back.
I can't stop the anger and despair from growing in my chest. It's a feeling very similar to what I've already experienced, trying to repair the damage that seems most irreparable at this point... But I am trying, even if she doesn't believe me.
As I hear nothing more from Camila for a moment, the only noise that reaches my ears is from the world outside this apartment, getting louder and louder... and the pumping in my head as if I've been beaten up badly.
It doesn't take me long to feel devastated by the situationship we are involved in, and as I look up at her, noticing how her little body trembles against the bathroom door, it makes me feel even more miserable because I wish I could hug her right now to calm her down, and me too for once.
I force myself to inhale and exhale to keep my heart from pounding out of my chest. When I am sure that Camila is doing the same, unconsciously following me, I resume the chat as calmly as possible, as I put my clothes back on under her penetrating gaze, the one that screams at me to go fuck myself.
- Honey...
- Don't you dare call me that, Shawn! I'm so mad at you right now. - She spits, breathing heavily as she pushes away my hands that were about to reach for her.
- Mila, I'm sorry...
- Sorry isn't going to fix this.
- Okay, so what do you want from me?
- Tell me what's in your fucking head! - She screams at me, looking incredibly broken, tears pooling in her brown eyes. - We... we promised to be completely honest with each other, and I... I'm here talking about my feelings... and you don't even try. You just go along with it, very shallow, saying what you think I want to hear, like you don't really care about any of this.
- That's not true...
- But that's what you're proving to me, Shawn! - Her tone rises another octave, tearing her voice apart. - You have to be honest with me.
- What's the point? If you're not going to believe me anyway and then you're going to get angry like you're doing right now, Camila.
- Oh, so this is my fault! - She lets out an incredibly fake laugh as tears continue to fall down her flushed face.
I can basically hear her heart break after that statement that hasn't even come out of my mouth.
Damn... What the fuck is happening to us, are we seriously at that breaking point again? After so many times I wanted to avoid it... And I'm afraid there's still more to survive.
- Don't be quiet, Shawn. Tell me what's on your mind. - She begs me. Her steps advance slowly toward me, as if she's afraid the ground is going to crack between us. - Shawn, I'm really trying to fix this.
- And it bothers me that you think I'm doing the opposite, Camila. Always doubting, me, us, whatever this situation has become. You may lie to yourself, imagining that everything is going to get better, but you're not giving it your all here. You're not, plain and simple. - I tell her straight out, even though I want to die from the way the disappointment and sadness shines in her eyes. - Then... don't ask me for more than I've already given, because I've tried hard enough for you. I'm tired of convincing you that I want you back for no other simple reason.
- And... what would that simple reason be? - She asks, as if she didn't already know.
- That I love you, Camila! - I yell at her once more, desperate for her to believe me, feeling my heart unsteady in my chest.
This is... very difficult, because I know she won't... ever. She's never going to totally believe me, but yet here I am... and maybe that will be the end of us.
Are we fighting for nothing? Are we really meant for each other or are we wasting our time trying to figure it out, trying to force something that was already... over? That I ended... for our sake.
- I love you so damn much! - My second scream is more angry than anything else and her equally angry eyes don't let me out of her sight for a second as an invisible thread draws us into each other's arms, seeking some kind of comfort.
- I know you love me... - She whispers, brushing her moist lips against mine.
- No, you don't, Camila.
- I'm trying so hard, I swear. - Another round of tears appears as we seal our lips, taking everything from each other, hungry and in need of that love that can't only be shown in words.
I feel as if every cell in my body is burning inside me as she pulls my hair and grabs my back in desperation while I do the same, grabbing her by the hips to push her towards the closed bathroom door.
I suck on her neck where I know she likes it and she jumps, wrapping her legs around my waist as her towel falls to the floor. Then a soft moan escapes her lips, forming a tiny, tender smile as we stare intensely into each other's eyes, and I know we're on the other side of this. At least for now... as long as she lets me and wants it, I can continue to make her mine... because I will be hers no matter what.