When Emmeline was about 3 months old, Taylor felt a fog coming over her body. Life became harder to cope with, everything was hard work and she was exhausted.
When she spoke to her friends about it, everyone assured her that the first few months with a new baby was exhausting – that she was normal for feeling like this but deep down she knew something wasn't right. She knew it wasn't normal to resent your baby like this, to wish that somebody else could take them for a bit just so you could get some rest and feel some sense of normality. When she searched for information, she realised she was probably suffering from post natal depression.
Everywhere online said to reach out for help, but Taylor couldn't bring herself to – couldn't admit she was really struggling. Couldn't admit she wasn't 'the perfect parent' who was doing it all. So she plodded along, struggling and falling deeper into her depression.
Jessica noticed the change in Taylor, but she couldn't say when it had started. It had been a slow process, small parts of Taylor fading away until she was as she is now. It didn't happen overnight and Jessica didn't know how worried she should be. Taylor had just had a baby, some changes were bound to happen. Plus – Taylor was doing it all alone, of course she was going to be more exhausted.
One morning, Jessica woke up and the familiar noise of Emmeline fussing was carrying through the house. As the teen made her way down stairs she heard Taylor's voice and she froze. She crept down slowly, making sure she made no noise. She turned the corner slowly and saw Taylor's back to her. The blonde was pulling at her hair slightly "PLEASE please, SHUT UP. I have given you everything you need. You've been fed, you've been changed. You have slept. I've been rocking you for the past fucking hour. There is literally nothing else you could want right now!"
The baby continued to cry, and Taylor threw her head back "seriously...what do you have to cry about?! I am the one who is exhausted....do you know what? I cannot do this right now"
Taylor laid the baby down in her bouncer "You can lay there. I cannot be with you right now"
Taylor walked away to the kitchen, hot tears spilling down her face.
Jessica frowned and walked over to the baby, lifting her up gently and rocking her. The cries died down and Jessica saw her eyes closing. She continued to sway for the next 5 minutes until the baby was finally asleep. She laid her down gently and slowly, making sure not to wake her up. She quietly made her way to the kitchen "Hey Tay...Emmeline is asleep"
Taylor's head shot up at the teen's voice, wiping her tears away furiously "Hey. That's good. Did you sleep OK?"
Jessica nodded, her voice hesitant "are you OK tay?"
Taylor looked up at her, blinking away her tears "Me? Yeah of course!"
Jessica stepped closer "I heard you get frustrated with Emmeline..."
Taylor shook her head "I'm just tired... I haven't slept. I just needed a break"
Jessica smiled "I can help..."
Taylor smiled kindly at her "baby you don't have to do that. You're a child – it's not your responsibility to help me"
Jessica frowned slightly, her tone serious "I can help though – you don't have to do it all alone. I love spending time with Emmeline – if you want to go and nap I can watch her"
Taylor stepped closer "I love you and thank you for saying that but no, I'll be fine. It's not your fault I'm a useless Mum. I am going to go and tidy upstairs while she is napping though. Come and get me if you need me?"
Jessica didn't even have time to protest, to tell Taylor that she wasn't a rubbish mum before the blonde stepped away – rushing upstairs.
Jessica sat down, flicking the TV on and trying to distract herself while the baby was asleep and Taylor was upstairs. When the blonde had been upstairs for an hour Jessica decided to make her a coffee, she quickly went to the kitchen – turning the machine on and watching as the coffee filled the mug. She carried it upstairs, pushing Taylor's door open slowly.
The blonde was sat on the edge of the bed, staring into space absentmindedly. She didn't notice Jessica coming in until the teen walked directly in front of her. Taylor eyed the mug "ooh you are an angel!"
Jessica sat down next to her, wrapping her arms around Taylor's shoulders "you seem sad Tay"
Taylor turned to look at her, swallowing her tears "I'm just tired"
Jessica bit her lip before shaking her head "No, you're not. I mean I know you are tired. But this is more than that. You seem...lost"
Taylor looked at her, smiling sadly "you're too wise for your age, you know that?"
Jessica rolled her eyes "what is going on Tay?"
The blonde sighed, taking a deep breath "You two are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't change you for the world. But I guess I have lost myself too. This last couple of months have been life changing and I need to find a way to live in this new world, while still keeping some sense of my own identity."
Jessica nodded "that makes sense. You didn't know she was coming either so you had no time to process it all. Just so you know though – you are NOT useless or rubbish. You are amazing. You are the biggest inspiration"
Taylor kissed her head, hugging her tightly "YOU are my biggest inspiration. I'm sorry I'm not at my best right now, I will get back to where I was, I promise"
At lunchtime Taylor and Jessica sat at the table, both of them silently eating. Taylor dropped her fork down and pushed the plate away, taking a long sip of water. Jessica bit her lip "Tay...I think you should finish that"
Taylor looked at her, then back down at the plate. She sighed "Baby, I love you for being concerned. But I am full up"
Jessica took a deep breath, voice shaking "you didn't eat enough to be full up. You've lost a LOT of weight Tay...I can see it"
Taylor ran her hand down her face, trying to keep herself calm "You don't have to worry about me. It's my job to look after you – not the other way around. I've lost weight because I had gained baby weight but we didn't know. This is just my normal body."
Jessica shook her head, swallowing down the tears "No, no it's not. I know you're tired – I know you're sad but if you don't fuel your body, you won't have any energy at all. You will crash and burn."
Taylor scoffed "don't talk to me about fuelling your body"
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Taylor's face fell "I'm sorry – that was unfair"
Jessica shrugged, the words stung but she couldn't let Taylor know that "you're tired. I get it"
There was silence for a few seconds before Jessica looked up "why don't you arrange for the nanny to have Emmeline for a few hours. You could go out with your friends?"
Taylor shook her head "I don't have the energy to go out right now. I'd rather be at home with you two"
Jessica nodded "You haven't been out the house all week though – you might feel better if you get out?"
Taylor sighed "Jessica – you're not a grown up. You don't get it. Sometimes being at home is like medicine. Where you can just BE."
Jessica nodded, unsure what else to say "well – if you want to talk to me. You know I will listen. I might not GET it but I can try?"
Taylor smiled, kissing her head gently "thanks baby"
At that exact moment, Emmeline woke up, cries filling the house. Taylor sighed "back to reality!"
Jessica watched as Taylor walked away, a frown on her face.
Later that afternoon, Jessica had another idea. She gathered Taylor's journal and pen. She handed it to the blonde "You say you're exhausted – why don't you try and get some of it down? You always say it helps to write it down. Maybe you'll be able to express what you're feeling more like this?"
Taylor looked back up at her "I have nothing to say..."
Jessica smiled softly "it can be ANYTHING tay. Lyrics, random words, just your emotions – try it. See if it helps? For me?"
Taylor nodded slightly, taking the book and pen "thanks baby, I'll try"
Jessica smiled wide, walking away and leaving her to it.
An hour later she went back, trying to see what the blonde had come up with, she sighed as she saw Taylor sitting there, tears dripping down her face.
Taylor looked at her "I'm sorry baby – I tried. I really did, but...nothing is coming out. I have nothing to say. I'm empty"
As she said those last two words, the tears fell and didn't stop. Sobs wracked Taylor's body as the reality set in.
After a minute or so, Taylor gasped – desperately trying to bring her emptions under control "I'm sorry – I am so sorry. I shouldn't be like this. Not in front of you. I am fine. Really baby – I'm good. Go and watch TV or something"
Jessica shook her head "I'm not leaving you – not like this! Do you want to do something? We could go for a walk? Get some fresh air?!"
The teen was becoming more desperate, trying anything to break through to the woman but Taylor shook her head "I'm OK and you need to rest... How about we watch a film?"
Jessica shrugged "we can do whatever you want"
Taylor nodded "OK – give me 5 minutes to sort myself out and wash my face then I'll meet you on the sofa"
Jessica nodded, hurrying downstairs to await the blonde.
When Taylor came downstairs, she saw the teen had got the softest blanket and Taylor's favourite snacks all ready. The blonde smiled at her and snuggled down next to her.
Jessica handed her the remote – letting her choose what they watched. As Taylor selected a cheesey rom-com, Jessica looked up at her "It's OK to ask for help – you don't always have to be strong for us. You're allowed to struggle. It doesn't make you a bad parent or a bad person..."
Taylor looked down, smiling "I love you. You're right. I haven't been able to take my antidepressants because I'm breast feeding but I'll reach out to the doctors – see if there are any that are safe to take while breast feeding. I don't want you to worry about me though – I'm ok"
Jessica nodded "Have you spoken to anyone?"
Taylor frowned "I don't need to speak to anyone. I'm OK – this is just a blip. I don't want to talk about this anymore. This conversation is over now. Understood?"
Jessica nodded, feeling dejected.
They watched the movie in silence and then Jessica excused herself, she headed upstairs – pulling out her phone and compiling a text message
I didn't know if reaching out to you was the right thing to do and I'm still not sure but I am worried and don't know what else to do. Taylor will be SO mad if she finds out I've sent this message so please don't tell her. I am really worried about her – I think she is depressed. She is not eating, she's not sleeping. She is burning out. Please, please come and help.
Jessica re-read it and then clicked on Andrea's contact – clicking send quickly before she could change her mind.
As soon as the message had sent she sighed in relief. She had reached out – alerted people to what was happening. She had helped Taylor in the only way she really could.
Now she just had to hope Taylor would accept the help which would be offered to her.