TW: Self-harm
🩷Lover🩷
Once we got home I immediately sprinted into my room and locked the door. I had one hour before my mom got home.
I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm a terrible girlfriend. I ruin everything. This is all my fault.
"Lov let me in baby, it's gonna be okay" Rep knocked on the door.
"Go away" I sobbed.
"Baby come on"
"Rep I love you and I'm sorry I just need to be alone."
"I understand. Talk to me whenever you need to."
Once I heard Rep walk away, I let out the most blood curdling scream into my pillow.
"I FUCKING RUIN EVERYTHING"
I couldn't control my crying, breathing, or shaking. I felt like I was dying. I couldn't breathe. I just screamed.
What's happening to me? Why am I shaking? Why can't I breathe? I feel like I'm dying.
Why do I make everything worse?? First I told the whole school about us, then I fought with her. Then I fought with my mom. Left the house. Because I wasn't there, Rep got raped by my brother. Now I can't contain myself and I punch someone. That's gonna cause Rep more problems. My parents. Everyone has to hate me by now. I don't deserve the love I get. I FUCKING RUIN EVERYTHING.
I looked around my room for the sharpest object I could find. Eventually I found a blade on my desk, sat on the floor, and gave myself what the fuck I deserved.
I cut myself for probably a good 30 minutes. Stabbing the blade into my skin until it bled. The whole time, I sobbed. I screamed. I shook. I hyperventilated.
"Lover let me in. What's going on?" Rep yelled when she heard the way I was screaming.
"NOTHING"
"Lover let me in right now. You need somebody. You don't deserve to be alone."
"IM FINE"
"No you aren't baby, I'm coming in"
"NO STOP DONT"
"Lover you need somebody to help you. I'm grabbing the key, be back in 10 seconds."
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.
I quickly raced to hide the blade in my phone case and throw a hoodie on to cover the cuts. Hopefully it doesn't bleed through.
I finished hiding the evidence just in time for Rep to walk in.
"Baby what's going on? It's okay"
"NO IT ISNT I RUIN EVERYTHING YOU DONT DESERVE ME"
"Of course I deserve you baby. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You didn't ruin anything"
"THAT ISNT TRUE REP IM THE FUCKING WORST"
"Hey, stop thinking like that. It's gonna be okay baby, I promise"
I don't feel fucking okay.
🖤Rep🖤
Lover was a mess. I didn't even know what to do. She was clearly having a very severe panic attack, and she very rarely had panic attacks, let alone this bad.
I knew how scary those types of panic attacks can feel. She clearly was struggling to catch her breath. She was violently shaking and sobbing.
I wanted to ground her and help her however I could, so I grabbed her arms, just as a way of comforting her and getting her to focus, but she yelped out in pain and pulled her arms back.
No Lover...
"Sorry I just um I had a bruise from when I punched the girl and it just um-" she quickly tried to make up an excuse. She wasn't fooling me though. I knew that game far too well.
"Baby...I'm sorry sweetheart"
"Sorry for what I'm fine it's just a bruise I-"
"Lov I'm not stupid. I'm so sorry beautiful girl" I gently wrapped my arms around her upper body, being careful to avoid anything on her arms below her elbows.
"Don't be sorry, I did this to myself. I deserve it."
"Stop, no you don't"
"Yes I do, I-"
"Lover look at me. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. You're the reason I'm okay right now. The reason I'm alive. Everyone that has you in their life is insanely lucky, and I don't want you to blame yourself. Things are rough right now, but it isn't your fault"
"But I'm the one who-"
"No, no buts. Don't blame yourself. None of this is your fault. Please don't feel the need to hurt yourself and lock yourself up and isolate yourself. You're already going through enough right now, you don't need to give yourself even more pain. Take a deep breath, okay? I'll do it too. Just breathe in"
"Rep I can't-" she gasped.
"You can baby, I believe in you." I took an exaggerated inhale, hoping she would follow me. She didn't, though. She just kept gasping
for air.
So I resorted to the last thing I could think of to get her breathing back to normal. I gently took her hand and placed it on my chest, then took another large inhale, hoping she'd mimic it.
After a couple minutes of me taking deep breaths with her hand on my chest, her breathing started to slow down, and so did her crying.
"There you go babe, you're okay. It's all gonna be okay" I hugged her again.
"I'm sorry" she squeaked.
"You don't have anything to apologize for, I promise. I just want you to be okay."
"You sure?"
"I'm positive baby. You didn't do anything wrong"
I wish she could see herself the way I saw her, maybe she wouldn't think that all of this is her fault.
🩷Lover🩷
Rep sat there with me on the floor until my panic attack completely stopped. That was the scariest thing ever.
"Can I ask you something hon?"
I nodded, but I was terrified.
"Why did you cut yourself?"
"I thought I deserved it. I cause everyone else so much pain, I deserve some of that pain for myself."
"But baby hurting yourself doesn't make anyone else feel better. It just makes you feel even worse about yourself."
"I know, I'm sorry"
"It's okay. Did you cut deep?"
"A little..." my voice lowered in volume.
"Can I see baby?"
I shook my head.
"Baby I just want to make sure they aren't bad"
"Fine, but you can't tell my mom. She'll kill me"
"I would never tell anyone baby, I promise. Let's go to the bathroom to get you cleaned up."
Rep took my hand in hers and led me to the bathroom where she gently rolled my sleeves up, revealing my arms drenched in blood.
"Baby..."
"Stop, I don't wanna talk about it. I'm sorry"
"It's okay, just bring your arm under the water" she turned the sink on.
I winced as she held my arm under the cold water, closing my eyes to try and ignore the pain.
"I'm sorry baby I know this hurts. I'm going as fast as I can" she said as she gently moved my arm back and forth to get all the blood off.
When Rep turned toward the cabinet to get some type of ointment for my cuts, I studied my cuts, realizing how deep I really made them. They were still bleeding.
Rep grabbed something for my cuts out of the medicine cabinet and started to slowly and gently rub it onto my arms, mixing in with the blood that was still coming out.
"This is gonna sting, I'm sorry"
"It's fine" I held my breath so I wouldn't let out another sob.
Once she finished applying it to both of my arms, she grabbed two big bandage wraps and wrapped it around my forearms, then slid the sleeves of my hoodie back down.
"Rep you're actually the best"
"For what?"
"For everything. The way you do whatever you can to make me feel better, it's really sweet of you. I love you so much."
Rep stared into my eyes for a second and smiled. "I love you too baby" she kissed me before leading us back to my room.
For the next half hour before my mom got home, Rep did whatever she could to make me feel better. She got me a bowl of ice cream, some pain medicine, wrapped me in a blanket, put on a movie, talked to me, kissed me, cuddled me. Everything.
She's the sweetest most adorable person ever, and I don't know what I'd do without her. The way she'd do anything for me is actually so cute. I love her so much.
I took advantage of the peace and happiness while it lasted, cause I knew it wouldn't be the same once my mom got home.