Do you remember when you first fell in love?
.
.
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When Izuku opens his eyes, everything is pitch black. He stumbles, pressing his hand along the edges of his mind. What kind of dream is this?
"Hey."
He whips around, and finds himself staring 5 meters away from his ten-year-old self. He's more than twice the size of his old self, and to see the him he was before, a dirty, mishappened school bag set on his shoulders while he bursts with nervous energy, Izuku's mouth falls open in the softest of gasps. Back then, he was just a Deku. Kacchan was slipping and getting worse,
He was almost always alone.
Split bentos dumped in trash bins and his hero journals soaked with fountain water. Sometimes, he'd come home with bruises he claimed were by his own clumsiness, when they actually stemmed from his lack of worth.
Stumbling, Izuku closes the distance between them, falling on his knees as he stares back at eyes full of green. Scarred, ugly arms encircle this frail frame, an empty vessel with no power; an empty vessel that was destined for failure.
This was him, 7 years ago, baring his flesh and soul.
He pulls back, and smiles. It comes out crooked.
"Hey," He repeats, exhaling a batted breath.
His younger self, Deku, continues to look at him in determination Izuku doesn't know he owns. It's a blaze in his eyes, a fire in hell. Even if he has everything he ever wanted, this version of himself is staring at him like Izuku's lost something incredibly dear to him. He looks upon him in pity .
"Do you remember when you first fell in love?" Deku asks, looking at Izuku with a searching gaze.
The question is enough to throw Izuku off, heat crawling up his face like a spider up its web.
"W-What?"
"You're searching for someone you've lost." Deku continues, watching his own expression carefully. "The someone is very very sad, because for the longest time, you never tried to find her. At least now, you're finally trying to fight."
Izuku's heart wrenches at that. "Starlight, right?" Izuku says, your name falling from his mouth like water from a spring. "H-How long has it been, since I've forgotten her?"
Deku looks thoughtful, pensive.
"Years,"
Is his reply.
"7 years."
Shock binds him, along with the ache of sorrow in his bones as his face twists in regret. You've been suffering like this for 7 years? Protecting him, hiding your anguish because Izuku was too blind to see it.
7 years of memories, stolen and locked away behind a wall and sealed lips.
Don't probe.
That is a warning he is not willing to heed.
Do you remember when you first fell in love?
Back last year, Izuku would have probably said his first love was Ochaco. A picture-perfect confession, confined in the four walls of a hospital room before Izuku could even move his arms. He thought that Ochaco was the one for him. They dated a little after the war. There was nothing wrong with Ochaco, and he's very sure she would make someone very happy someday, but both of them just didn't click the way he thought they would.
No chemistry, he'd concluded.
No spark.
They agreed to stay as friends because Ochaco admitted the same thing. Young and inexperienced, mistaking infatuation for love.
With a small smile, he shakes his head. "I don't." He replies, and it's a realisation that even surprised him. "I don't think I have, fallen in love."
Deku cracks a smile, the same smile that he's wearing now. Sympathy lines his expression, baby fat on his cheek and plentiful freckles dotting his face. It's him, from the past, but it also isn't. "Keep fighting. It's a battle you need to win alone. And you will win, right? Because you're a hero."
The sheer volume of hope in his voice brings Izuku back to reality. He's fought in a war and won. What kind of hero would he be if he couldn't save you?
"I'll win." He says, needing to hear it for himself again. He cannot afford to lose, because losing meant losing you.
His younger self pauses, reaching out a small, perfectly shaped hand. They rest on Izuku's marked ones which are littered with scars, and he looks up to the person he will one day be. "Go back to the clearing. Starlight is very good at lying to others, but she can't lie to me. Our Secrets live there, and maybe then, you start to remember."
Crooked and forced smiles, perfect hands, a dirty school bag, split bentos and hero journals.
Do you remember when you first fell in love?
"I don't," He'd said with a sad smile.
Deku shakes his head, 10 years old with eyes that shine with recognition.
"That's a shame. Because I do."
—
Voices plague Izuku's consciousness. Someone's calling him, calling for him. He can't let them down.
When he wakes up back in his room, there are golden hues seeping through the open window.
What a strange dream.
—
Izuku spends quality time soaking up his thoughts when he's on a jog. Technically, he should have been spending more time with his thoughts, but the pounding headaches that plagued his waking moment every time he tried pushing past the barrier made it too painful to multi-task.
As he rides the elevator up to his level, he dries his hair absent-mindedly and prepares himself for the homework he may or may not have been neglecting in favour of digging up more leads about you.
With everything going on, he didn't even flinch when he came back to the kitchen being boarded off again and Kacchan's sharp howls as he berates his classmates with the finesse of a chef of a Michelin-star restaurant.
Sato would be extremely disappointed to know he couldn't bake in the confines of the kitchen for at least the next few days.
Izuku doesn't even look at the damage dealt.
What he does flinch at is your familiar fluffy shoes right outside his door. The shoes extend to legs, and when he looks up, and he finds your face.
"Starlight?"
You visibly flinch at the name, and he ignores it.
"What are you doing here?"
The blush looks good on your cheeks, Izuku decides, before reddening in turn at his own thoughts.
"Homework help." You reply, eyes averted in shame. "You've always been better at English, anyway. Could you proofread my essay?"
—
Izuku doesn't mind impromptu study sessions. He loves studying with his friends and relishes the fact that he's in the position to help them clinch more marks during their crazy difficult exams.
With you though, the silence is awkward Izuku's focus bids him farewell with a salute and double birdies.
Maybe it was his dream or the way he's stewed too much in his own thoughts today, because it's him and his big mouth that breaks the silence first.
"Hey."
"Hm?"
"What would you do if you had one day left on Earth?"
There is a pause on your end, and he knows all too well that he's messed up the moment the words left his mouth. He's about to brush it off, say that it's a stupid question and that he's sorry for distracting you, but you give his thoughtless inquiry and thoughtful answer.
"Well, we've had quite a few 'last days', haven't we?"
Your voice is thick, like there's a lump in your throat and you're trying to untangle the knots by the ends.
"Beat the shit out of all the villains in the vicinity, probably," you say, shrugging. "I'd say spend it with family, but, I think they've probably seen enough of me."
That squeezes a laugh out of him. He'd probably do the same thing, but spend time with his mother and tell her that everything was going to be okay.
"If you were in love? What would you do then?" He presses. Izuku doesn't really know why he asks.
Do you remember when you first fell in love?
Ah, caught in 4k.
Something in your expression flickers, and you make a visible effort to school it back down to neutral.
"How do you know I'm not in love right now?"
The air-conditioner whirls quietly in the background.
His notes are forgotten on the table, essay equally so. It's so easy to get distracted, even though Izuku prides himself in keeping himself on track.
"Are you?"
There's another long, long pause. You look like you want to say something, but you're holding back.
Starlight is very good at lying to others, but she can't lie to me.
Right on the nail.
Izuku thinks you aren't going to answer it when you look up at him, eyes glassy with memories he doesn't share.
"I used to think that love was a pretty thing. Cupid and his arrows were supposed to blossom relationships that were matches made in heaven. Couples would gather on Valentine's Day with roses and chocolates, and they are supposed to be happy because they have someone to walk through life with them." Your smile is sad as you shake your head in disappointment. Izuku's heart is falling, he is falling, at the face you're giving him because he wants so badly to fix it.
He's supposed to be able to, isn't he?
"I don't think I'm in love. Because if being in love is supposed to feel like soaring through clouds, then my ugly feelings that make me miserable and feel so alone can't possibly be love."