-This was a hard chapter to write. I'm sorry if I use most of the lyrics to write it, I've never been through this, so It is extremely difficult to write out. Please try your hardest to enjoy-
Alice and I drove home yesterday morning. We got back mid afternoon which was great. It was fun, even though we had decided to leave a bit early. The entire ride home we talked about how we need to start planning for this baby. How we need to become better parents.
We've barely talked about our fight. I thought it was just stupid to open that can of worms. So we dropped it. That was probably only going make it worse.
The only conversation we actually shared about the baby was the her(as Alice would say) kicking.
"Has he kicked lately?" I ask.
"She! And no, she hasn't! Only seems she kicks when you're in the bed with me," Alice says and I laugh.
I press my hand on her tummy. The baby is probably refusing to move. It stays still and doesn't move. Alice shakes her head and tries to rub her baby bump too.
"I have no clue why she won't move..."
"It's fine baby. She's or he is probably just sleeping!"
***
The moment we walked into Alice's house, she was already running upstairs and calling the doctors. She had scheduled an appointment for mid next week.
You could tell she was excited by just looking at her. She was dancing around her room and had a smile that looked like it would never end. It made me ecstatic to see her like this.
Alice had this huge premonition that the baby was a girl. She had this huge story to tell too. So the very next day Alice and I hit the stores.
She picked out everything from tiny bows, to little dresses.
"How about this?" She asked. Pointing to a pink crib with lace around it. I nodded, not exactly paying attention. We ended up buying it along with everything else.
She wanted to paint the nursery right away too. So after the doctors appointment I promised we would go pick out the paint. Which she wanted pink.
***
It was the night before the appointment and I was actually really excited. Alice and I laid on her bed, just waiting for that alarm to ring the next morning. Her legs were entangled in mine, and my arms held her all night long. She was breathing rapidly, like she was having a bad dream, or at least a wicked one. I tried to hold her tighter, just so she'll calm down.
In the morning I wake up just in time. We are left with only twenty minutes to get ready and get there in time. Alice jumps out of bed and runs for the bathroom. I hurriedly dress in my blue jeans, a blue sweatshirt, and my Nikes. About five minutes later Alice comes in all ready. I'm shocked, because usually it takes her three hours to get ready. She is wearing a bulky, tan sweater with sweats, and her hair pulled back into a bun. Just enough so you couldn't exactly see the pink very much.
"You look pretty." I say, as we get in the car. She just rolls her eyes with a smile.
We Make it to the appointment just in time. Alice gets that clear jell on her tummy as she hold my hand. She can't stop smiling, which makes me grin.
"Alright, we are just going to do a couple of tests. Ed, do you mind sitting out in the waiting room for a little bit?" He asks.
***
I was told to sit in the waiting room as the tests were going on. I sat in the first chair, right next to the room. I had my arms rested on my knees. I knew this would probably take awhile.
I started drumming my foot, making a small beat. I studied my surroundings, a woman sat two rows behind me. Another girl sat over to the side. I looked up at the security cameras, rounded off by a clock. The time was eleven fifty, and I realized we've been here over twenty minutes. Windows to the hospital rooms had the shades drawn, but you could see just a bit inside the rooms. A black doctor, in a white coat, stood across from me, examining files.
I picked at my sweatshirt, and ripped a little piece of thread from it. Leaving just a tiny hole for my thumb. Thinking of how I could write a song for my situation.
In four months, just four, I'll have a baby. Whether it's a boy or girl, that won't matter. I'll hold their body in my hands, and be as gentle as I can. For now, its just a scan of our un made plans. It will be left with my hair and Alice's eyes. Yet, it's just a small bump right now.
I'll whisper quietly, and give her nothing but truth. Just like how I wished my parents would have done with me. Alice and I will give her a bright future, putting it in her hands to be whatever she wants.
You are my one and only, I'll say. She'll wrap her fingers around my thumb, making me feel like the number one man in the world. Like I'm the most important to her. Holding me tight, I'll keep her safe. She'll be my baby girl, my number one joy.
I hold her in my arms and just sing to her. Letting her know everyday, how much I love her.
I wiggle in my seat a bit, nervously. I wipe my nose on my sleeve and sit up for a second. Two little black girls run by me, the little one chasing the other. I smile at the thought of them having a blast. Reminding me of my brother Matt and I when we were little.
She'll hold me tight and she will be alright. She can lie with me, with her tiny feet, while she's half asleep. I'll leave her be. Right in front of me, for a couple weeks, so I can keep her safe.
I shook my head and waited. Thinking of all the good things this baby will bring. Her bright smile will cheer me up when I'm down. Watching her grow up will be hard, but I'll have Alice there to cope with me.
The nurse that was in Alice's room brought out a chair. She sat it in the hall, by the door. I stared at the chair until my vision blurred. Alice came out a moment later, her sweater tightened around her, as she sat down in the chair. The doctor told me to join them and I smiled. Thinking they were just going to tell us the gender now. I stood behind Alice, my hands resting on her shoulders.
"Have you experienced any blood flow?" The doctor asks Alice and she shakes her head no. "How about any pain?"
"No, why?" She shakes her head again.
"We did an ultra sound and couldn't pick up the heart beat. That is why we decided to do a HCG blood test and a fetal heart scanning." The doctor tells us.
"Did you pick up the heart beat finally?" Alice asks with a nervous laugh.
He shakes his head delicately but just enough to see. I close my eyes tightly as I try to process this.
"What does that mean?" She asks, still sounding as innocent as ever.
"Alice, you've had a miscarriage." The doctor says slowly.
I feel Alice physically fall apart in front of me. Her face is frozen in shock. I can't move anything on my body either, or I would lean down to hug her. She doesn't cry, neither do I. I just shake my head in disbelief.
I don't even try to imagine the pain Alice is feeling. I'm in some type of denial, not believing a word the doctor tells us. He says it wasn't our fault, he says these happen a lot. If this happens a lot, then there wouldn't be many babies on Earth, I thought.
Before this day, whenever I heard the word "miscarriage" I thought about an old baby carriage, and a young couple living in the 1920′s who lose a child, and how it must be pretty terrible for them to have to put the carriage back into a closet. For some reason it was always the wrapping paper closet in my mind, and they would forget it was there, and then over and over, while they were trying to rush out the door and having to wrap a present really quickly, out falls the baby carriage and they just start crying... and they probably miss their party... and I always finished this whole thought process by thinking, "Just throw out the damn baby carriage!"
It just hurts my head to think that this happened to us. Like you never expected it to ever occur. We were supposed to raise this baby, make her better than any other child out there. She was going to be our precious moment.
"You will have to have a D&C procedure done to get the baby removed." The doctor says and that's when Alice loses it.
She starts hyperventilating as tears pour from her eyes. Alice stands up, well sort of, and faces me. She is trembling and her face is all red. I wrap my arms around her tightly, as she rests her head on my shoulder.
'We'll just give you a moment." The doctor says, walking to his office.
Alice and I stay silent. The only noise she makes is a semi-quiet sob. I am trying my hardest to be strong for her and not to shed a tear. Alice breaks away from me and looks at me. Seeing her like this just breaks my heart.
"Ed," She cries. "What are we going to do?"
I can't answer that, to nervous of my own voice. It would probably only make this devastating situation worse. I just shake my head silently, like there is nothing we can do.
I can't breath. It feels likes I am being choked. Alice is still basically laying on me for support and I can't push her away. I hold in the tears, not even letting one slip. I just hold her fragile body in my arms, mending her if she breaks.
***
One week later and I still have not let that tear slip. I keep my emotions bottled up, to be strong for Alice.
I still cannot believe I am here, only a week later. Its still hard to believe that I am alive after that, it felt like I was dying. Greg had called me to the studio. I had disagreed to go, I didn't want to go. But here I am, one week later, talking to him.
"I wanted to talk to you." Greg says.
"I cannot believe I am here." I say empty mindlessly.
"I wanted to talk to you." He says again.
"About..."
"The baby. I am sorry for your loss, your mother called me." He tries to say sympathetically. I close my eyes and nod.
"I'll let you record anything. Anything at all and I will not down play it, okay?" My head shoots up at Greg's comment.
I nod and slowly stand up and walk into the booth. Greg calls in the sound guy and I pick up the guitar. I tell them to get the click going, by snapping, and they said they would add it in. I start with the guitar, trying my best to be cool and not cry.
I start of quiet, but at the song grew I became more confident.
"You were just a small bump, unborn, in four months you're brought to life. You might be left with hair but you'll have your mothers eyes. I'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can, but for now you're a scan of unmade plans. A small bump in four months your brought to life."
I pause for a moment, trying to catch my breath. Trying my hardest not to lose it. All these lyrics circle me, like at the hospital. I close my eyes and start again.
"And I'll whisper quietly, I'll give you nothing but truth. If you're not inside me I'll put my future in you. You are my one and only. You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight. Oh, you are my one and only. You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight. And you'll be alright."
I close my eyes and try to convey myself. Keep going Ed, I tell myself.
"Oh, you're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin. With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin. Finger nails the size of a halfgrain of rice, and eyelids closed to be soon opened wide. A small bump, in four months you'll open your eyes."
It will be alright Ed. You can do this. I take in a huge deep breath and continue, my head throbbing and my eyes aching.
"And I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth. If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you. You are my one and only. You can wrap yourfingers round my thumb and hold me tight."
The first tear comes but I quickly wipe it away.
"And you can lie with me, with your tiny feet, when you're half asleep, I'll leave you be. Right in front of me, for a couple weeks, so I can keep you safe."
I don't even dare look up and see Greg staring at me. I only have to sing the chorus then one more line, then I am done.
"Cause you were just a small bump, unborn for four months then torn from life. Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why."
I stop singing and set down my guitar. I nod my head and stand up. My whole body felt numb and I wanted to be alone. I walk through the door and by Greg. He tries to stop me from leaving, but I push him away. I trudge through the double doors and walk. I don't stop until someone calls my name. I love my name.
"Ed!" I turn around to see Clara running to me. I didn't have the power to even groan.
"I heard about the baby, I'm sorry." She says out of breath, I just nod.
"Yeah, thanks." I say, looking down at my shoes.
"Stress can do that, you know? Was she stressed?" Clara asks.
"I don't know, why don't you ask her." I say rudely.
"What?" She still has that peppy voice that I just want to break.
"You seem to talk to her a lot. Most of the time it seems to be about me, cheating." I say looking away.
"No I don't-" I cut her off.
"Save it. Clara just stop! You broke up with me that day and I found Alice. We fell in love and now you're nothing to me. So stop trying to sabotage our relationship and get a life of your own. You didn't like me, you were just mad that I found someone else who actually loves me for me, and you didn't!" I yell at her.
"No, you save it Ed. I can manipulate your girlfriend into thinking you cheated, that's the fun part. She already believed me before. So obviously she has no trust in you." Clara says calmly.
"Even if Alice and I ever break up, you and I will never be together. Okay?" I add emphasis on never.
I turn to walk away when she says, "I don't get why your so upset about this baby. It wasn't like you met it or anything."
"It was still my baby. Something I was to raise and call my own. You are heartless." I walk to my car, leaving her there, speechless.
I get in and just sit there. I can't bear to move, my body frozen. I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be home with Alice. I closed my eyes to stop the tears but they wouldn't. They just kept pouring. I wiped a few away furiously, then didn't even bother. My whole body was shaking and my shoulders trembled. I didn't exactly who saw me anymore, I couldn't stop crying.
Why did they take my baby, our baby? We were really going to try to be good parents. Most teenagers would be relieved, but this is just devastating. This just isn't fair.
I throw my arms back and slam them on the stearing wheel over and over again. I curse it out and scream why on repeat. My head finally collapses on the stearing wheel. I keep it there, just crying my eyes out. The very first time I showed emotion all week.
The car is freezing, but I don't put the heat on. On the ride home it's dead silent, but I don't dare turn the radio on. I just listen to the sound of the rain hitting the windshield. Trying to calm myself down.
***
Alice's POV-
I couldn't stop crying from that one appointment, to the very last. And that when my boyfriend tries to hold me it would only hurt, like a pity-hug, like he couldn't understand because no one can. I'm the only one who can understand what it feels like, I'm the only one who held her. Deep down I blame him because he's big enough. He can handle it, stronger than me. It feels like I can blame him and God, and anyone but me, because I was so careful.
I didn't drink coffee and I got eight hours of sleep every night and I ate all of the right foods and I didn't over-exercise and I read her stories. So many stories along with singing her songs. I was going to paint her room pink and I just got done buying her a bassinet with frills.
I didn't know it was a girl, but I did. I felt the baby everyday and I knew what it was. I was secretly hoping for a girl. So I wouldn't feel so alone, and be the only girl in the big house with Ed. I was secretly hoping so also, so I can buy her dresses and do her hair and when she is older we can talk about boys. I'll never get to call her Violet, the name that seemed so perfect. I'll never get to call her sweet pea, darling, or even my baby girl.
She met me in my dreams the night I woke up sweating. I met her the night before the big doctors appointment, the one where we were going to find out the gender of the baby. The big doctors appointment where I found out she was gone. She was sitting there, in my dreams, playing with blocks, and she had ginger curls and green eyes and she looked up at me and smiled. And when I look back at that night all I can do is cry. When I see that she would have had Ed's hair and my dark green stare.
It's like the world was scripted for her and now that I've lost her the world has shattered too. I cry into my pillow case every night, wondering why? Ed doesn't know what to say anymore. He tries his hardest to be there for me, but he's hurting too.
Then trying to make it better, the women at the church, they all say to you they've had a miscarriage too. Some say they've had more than one. One lady had had six, and that was magically supposed to comfort you. But I just kind of froze and stammered, and ran out of the church. I sat in my car and cried myself to a slight sleep. Yet, I haven't slept in weeks.
Then Ed tries too, to make everything better. He drives me to the beach. Like that one day we went to the beach and he promised me he would make me that necklace out of a pebble. But I just sit there, on the rocks, wanting to die myself. Then I get a hand full of rocks. Throwing the rocks into the water, the sand and stone covering my hands. Ed has a hand over his mouth now, in shock, as I yell at the sky. Wondering why this had to happen to me. Why did God have to take my child. And there aren't enough rocks at the beach to throw, and I end up collapsing into the sand. Leaving only Ed to carry me back to the car.
Ed says a prayer as he sets me in the car as I shake against him, crying my eyes out, because I can't pray for myself anymore. I can't fight it anymore, the grief comes more and more. I weep with the waves every time Ed brings me here. Then we drive home slowly, together. The car seat in the back empty.
They say God has her now. Everyone says that he needed her up there, as an Angel. But no one gets why! Why did such an innocent little girl get sent up to heaven.
My dad asks me if there's something I could have done to cause this. He knows I drank once, smoked once, he pressured me to think that this is what caused it. Yet, II prayed and prayed after that to make sure it wasn't. I know in the back of my mind that he is relieved I lost the baby.
My mum asks if she hugged to hard, and maybe that's why I lost the baby. She's just trying to say things like that to keep my mind from wondering over to how it is my entire fault. But deep down I want her to tell me everything is going to be alright. That's what mother do. They make everything right. Then I think back to why couldn't I make it right? Why couldn't I know somehow that she was broken and why couldn't I fix her.
Her innocent life gone, probably because my stupid teenage decision.
I had the procedure a few nights ago. I didn't crack until the night I got home from the hospital. Like the point of no return. It hit me like a wave...I had just left my baby all alone to be stored in a freezing cold morgue until someone could cut him open to perform an autopsy. It took everything inside of me to not get into the car and drive to the hospital to see her again. In the days since then I've been trying to stay as busy as I possibly can which isn't very much seeing as I'm supposed to be resting for the next few weeks. But if I stop for two seconds I have a panic attack. I start lashing out crying, screaming at everyone who comes in my way. When all I really want is for them to hug me. Ed knows what to do. He'll sit on the floor at the end of the bed and cradle me until I end up falling asleep in his arms.
I miss my baby. Yesterday was supposed to be the day I got my 3D ultrasound pictures. Just the thought of not having her anymore. All the little girl things I had bought, everything wasted.
Most teenage girls who had lost there baby would be fine, relieved even. I just don't see how. That was going to be my, our, baby. I'm going a bit insane with everything going through my mind right now.
***
"No!" I scream.
I sit up, drenched in sweat. Ed's side of the bed is cold. My mum has been checking on me, so Ed can't sleep here. My mind is fuzzy and my face is feverish. My eyes are bloodshot and filled with tears. I stand up and pace my floor. My heartbeat is rapid and I can't breath. My hands shake as I fumble for the door knob. I almost run to Adam's room.
I flick on his light and start pacing in his room. I can't find any sanity.
"What's wrong?" Adam asks but I don't answer. I have no ability to speak.
I collapse onto my knees and drop my head into my hands. Adam cusses under his breath and jumps out of bed to join me. I sob as my whole body shakes.
"It's my fault." I scream.
"It isn't your fault." Adam coos.
I shake my head over an over again, "Yes, yes it is."
Adam held me in his arms, similar to how Ed would. That made me cry harder, I wanted Ed here.
"Mum!" Adam yells. "Dad!"
I can't even tell him not to call them. I can't do anything.
They come running, like every night. My dad stands in the doorway and my mum kneels beside me. She whispers things that she thinks will make me feel better. They don't.
I continue to cry and kick and scream obscenities at them. My dad usually gives up with a painful look on his face. My mum stays, along with Adam. I call out for Ed, wanting him here with me.
"She's never been this bad." Adam says.
"I think you should go call Edward." My mum says and I don't speak.
I sob into my mothers shirt, leaving a wet spot. Adam was screaming into the phone, out in the hall. I couldn't open my eyes, scared of what I might see. Most of all, I am scared to look in the mirror across the room. Frightened to see a killer looking back at me.
"It's all my fault." I cry over and over again. My mother tries to shh me, but that never seems to work.
"Ed is on his way." Adam whispers to my mom.
Less than five minutes it seems, Ed is here. The sharp blade that felt like it was cutting my heart seemed to disappear a bit when I felt him. The weakness of my heart somehow getting stronger. He scooped down and picked me up, I wrap my arms around his neck and cry into his chest now.
Ed brought me to my room and set me down on my bed. I don't let go of him. So he has to basically pry my fingers from him. He laughs just a bit. I open my eyes and see his eyes are all red and puffy too. I stop forcefully sobbing, tears still streaming down my hot face, and look at him. He looks almost broken himself.
I sit up a bit and criss-cross my legs. I wipe away my oncoming tears and rubbing my aching temple. My heart beat still fast and hurting. I look up at him and he shrugs.
"Are you okay?" Ed asks with a forced, empty laugh.
I shake my head just a tiny bit. He sits down next to me and sighs, his arms resting on his knees. I look straight ahead, my whole body numb. Ed wipes his nose on his sleeve, but he leaves the tear that escaped his eye and is now running down his face. I reach out and wipe it away with my thumb. He gives me a half smile, then it fades. I turn and look straight ahead again.
"What are we going to do?" I ask, my feelings crushed like rock salt on a table.
Ed doesn't answer me. He just shakes his head empty mindlessly, like he does not really know what to say. I don't blame him, I have not one clue what to say either. He moves his hand slowly over to mine and grabs it. We sit there in silence, holding onto each other for dear life, so saving. O scoot closer to him, but don't remove my hand. I think it's time for me to comfort him.
I wrap my arms around him and let Ed rest his head on my shoulder. I don't make it obvious that I am still crying. I let him have his own moment.
"I'm sorry." He says and I just shake my head, squeezing and holding him tighter.
We stay like that for awhile. In each other's arms. Not letting go. I feel safe and secure.
And on the night went.
***
-A/N boy, that was sad! I'm sorry it's short and I'm sorry it kind of sucks. I'm not very good at writing sad scenes! Please vote if you did like. Sorry it was so sad.
(Also, go check out my book trailer. Its on the first chapter! It's really great!)