Four Summers at Holiday House
The Single Summer
There was something about both having her friends around and the beach air that mended almost any malady, both the physical variety and heartbreak. Maybe it was having the house feel alive again with giggles and chatter, the opening and closing of doors, maybe it was as simple as having someone to stay up late with and drink white wine outside on the deck or to have company for a midnight swim. Nothing seemed very bleak anymore within the confines of friendship; no one allowed it. The second she started to feel sorry for herself, the melancholy would be shattered by a shouted declaration that she "needed a drink." Somebody would miraculously appear to make her laugh or offer to watch a movie with her. Being left to her own devices wasn't an option. It was damn near impossible to stay in a funk, even if she'd wanted to.
The past few months had been complete shit. It had gotten to the point where she had plateaued so severely that she had to seek outside of herself to get on stage every night, to put one foot in front of the other. Sleep was the only time she could fully escape and before long, even that was tainted by nightmares.
But as her mother liked to remind her, they came from a long line of strong women, of unshakeable ilk, who rallied when the opportunity presented itself. If she didn't exactly drag herself up by the bootstraps, she still managed to slowly heal. Recovery certainly wasn't linear; she had good days and harder ones. Having her friends around helped speed up the process.
Holiday House lived up to its name. The 4th of July parties she threw there were always her favorite, reminding her of summers of the past, this time with alcohol and raunchy jokes added into the mix.
This year felt a little more somber. As much as she stayed busy, threw herself into planning, there was still a heaviness that sat in the middle of her chest.
She tried to abate it with silliness and fruity cocktails Selena put together gleefully in the open kitchen like a mad scientist and Bomb popsicles and sing- alongs by the fire, by dips in the pool under a sky full of stars.
"I'd ask if you were okay, but I know the answer."
Selena never liked to corner you. It wasn't her way. She would sneak in casually during a random moment, drinking by the water, while the others were laughing as Ashley told a blind date horror story.
Taylor sighed. She had been sighing so much as of late, she was almost afraid her chest was going to cave in one day.
"I'm thriving. It's our independent lady summer. We don't need a man."
Her tone held some sarcasm and it made Selena laugh, as had been her intention. "No. No, we do not."
They both slipped into a kind of quiet that bespoke more than words could. Selena brushed her elbow.
"You don't have to suddenly...be okay. You know that, right? No one's expecting you to be filled with joy. It's been a sucky few months."
"I'm mostly fine," she opted for the truth. "There's just this...this thing, I can't explain it. I'm just really lonely, I guess."
It wasn't something she had been prepared to confess, but Selena had a way about her where she drew out the vulnerable pieces of her. Perhaps it was the fact they'd known each other for so long. Could have been the rum flowing through her veins.
Or maybe it was just Selena, how she knew things without prompting; her perception was unmatched and Taylor had given up hiding from her ages ago.
"It's a horrible feeling."
"I'm just starting to think there's nobody out there for me, you know?"
She hated dredging herself in self-pity...wasn't cute. This was more than feeling sorry for herself, though. The idea of that she'd written herself into a corner, first with Joe, then with Matty, wasted time on future plans that were never going to happen...it made her sick to her stomach. More than that, it made her angry. With them, yes, but mostly with herself.
If she had said the same thing to Blake, the older woman would have likely been at the ready with a reassurance; a mom through and through.
"Yes, you will," Taylor could almost hear her soothe. "You just haven't met him yet."
Blake always meant well and Taylor understood that her friend wanted the best for her. She had stuck by her side in the fall out of the battle, the missteps, always gently reaffirming that she deserved better.
All of her friends were different in how they gave advice; all the same fiercely loyal and protective group. Selena was the most frank, by far. She liked to acknowledge feelings, even ones that were difficult and she never sugarcoated or coddled.
Although night and day from how Blake handled her when she was a mess, Taylor could appreciate Selena's manner, too...was even strangely comforted by it. Sometimes, it was better to hear things exactly as they were.
"I know the feeling. Too well," Selena squeezed the cap of her shoulder, "let's not give up just yet though. We can enjoy this, right now, but who knows? This could be the last of the single girl summer."
They were both aware there was far more to it than just that, how her fears mirrored Taylor's in the sense that a soulmate in this life seemed elusive. Being single itself wasn't the issue in and of itself, but she nodded, resting her head against her best friend's.
"Let's hope someone's listening."
Later, before darkness set in, everyone gathered on the lawn to take a picture, a tradition that had been built that very first holiday. Some of the faces may have changed, certain friends couldn't join them, others had drifted out of her life.
The enthusiasm hadn't faded though; tipsy giggles ringing out as they tried to get into a position to capture everybody in frame, never an easy task, sober or buzzed.
They managed it somehow and whereas Taylor had been feeling sorry for herself before, she had to acknowledge the good, too. In four days, she would be playing a sold out show in Kansas City, elevated by the crowd and tonight, she got to watch the fireworks with some of her favorite people in the world. It eased some of the ache that had wedged itself in her chest since March, longer, if she were being honest.
Still, despite the beauty of the moment, despite the laughter and the drunken singing and the levity and the picture perfect evening, a part of her mourned for the summer she had longed for years back.
The peals of innocent giggles and sounds of little footsteps on the hardwoods. Chaos and mess and tears from skinned knees. Beach snuggles in a freshly laundered towel. Brushing tangled hair. Smelling chlorine when she bent to kiss blonde heads. Sticky, melted marshmallow fingers that never seemed to come clean under the tap, no matter how many times they were washed.
Another version of how everything might have gone. Happiness, still...just in another form.
It seemed so far away now, these dreams. Wisps on the wind, like the dandelions she used to blow forth into the sky as a kid, squeezing her eyes shut while she made a wish.
"Don't tell anyone or it won't come true," her older cousins warned her. "Keep it inside."
Part of growing older was the acceptance that it didn't matter either way. You could keep something close to the chest, hold it tight and it might not happen.
For the most part, she had let it go. Settled for the house on the hill filled to the brim with her friends, some who had kids and would bring them, some, who like her, were single and childless and brought only themselves.
Happiness. Maybe not in the way she'd planned.
But, she thought, meeting Selena's eyes as colors crashed together in the darkness, the cool night air gently lapping at her knees, happiness, just the same.
The Joyful Summer
"Are you regretting every life decision you've ever made right about now?"
"Nah."
He planted a kiss on her cheek, leaning over the counter where she was chopping up vegetables for a salad.
"Ulterior motives!" She gasped as she caught him grab a slice of cucumber off the cutting board. "Thief."
Grinning lazily, Travis pulled her to him, his long arms going around her waist and pinning her lightly against the marble.
"Mmm," he mumbled, the sound muffled by her neck, his lips brushing along the surface of the skin in a way that made her blush.
"Listen, you. Your family and everyone else will be here within the hour. Behave."
His hand found her hipbone. "Sorry," he kissed her mouth this time, not sounding the least bit apologetic.
"You're impossible."
She tugged him close, her lips going to his, kissing him back softly with the promise of later.
"Everything is perfect, Tay. You sure there's nothing I can do?"
She shook her head. "No, I think I'm all set."
She'd spent the few days before his arrival making sure the guests rooms were ready, groceries were in the pantry and put away, that the kids had activities to prevent boredom, ensured that all of their guests would have everything that they needed to enjoy the weekend.
If there was anything Travis taught her, it was that you could still be in charge of your career, still be at the helm, lead the narrative while releasing some of the more harmful side effects of having to be in constant control.
It certainly wasn't easy; her type A personality liked to rear its ugly head, especially when she felt as though everything was slipping out of her grasp.
But since his steady, calming presence, his reassurance that even if the world came crashing down around them, she didn't have to pick up all the pieces alone. Not anymore.
His arms slid firmly around her waist, bringing her body to rest against his, palms flat against her stomach. "Thank you for doing this, baby."
Taylor smiled, as she felt him kiss the top of her head. "I'm so happy everyone is here in one place. This is the very first time."
A year prior, she was sure that the search for perfection, knowing that Kylie and Jason would be there and the girls, alongside their friends would have sent her into a tailspin. As much as she adored playing hostess, often times the pressure had prevented her from fully embracing the moment.
This summer, everything was vastly different. She had Travis who instantly sensed when she was stressed...sensed it from a mile away and took her mind off of it with a joke or distracted her and by the time she came back to whatever it was she'd been doing, she couldn't remember why she was up in arms in the first place.
What had happened, the cancellation of shows, the threat itself had rattled them to their very core. Travis had wanted to fly out immediately, at the ready to go to Andy and beg for a reprieve to be with her, but she'd told him there she was no way she was going to allow it when she was fine. Physically, at least.
One of Travis's best traits was that he knew what she needed. Didn't have to tell him, didn't have to drop hints, subtle or otherwise. Somehow, one way or another, he knew and she never had to apologize for wanting things or asking for reassurance. It was something that even a year later, she was still growing accustomed to.
And even now, he knew that coming off this leg of the tour, she didn't need to decompress with wine and a book...her way of relaxation was having her village around, the people she loved and missed while she was gone, under one roof. He intrinsically understood, the general madness and the noise and the laughter...that was her idea of heaven.
He cradled her hip bones in the bow of his hands, dropping one more kiss on her head. "Let me know...whatever you need, Tay. I'm here."
"I know, babe. Thank you."
There were double meanings in his promise, one they both heard and for a moment, she stopped, closed her eyes.
Before Travis, she was content to speed walk through the smaller moments, to take so much of the tiny, indescribable joys for granted. Maybe it was because so many of the pieces had been shattered by years of being a yo-yo, of being hanging on desperately to those tiny pieces to the point of exhaustion.
More and more, she found herself pausing. Appreciating where they were and allowing herself to imagine the future...in a way that wasn't dangerous, that wasn't terrifying.
"Better take the quiet while we can get it," she smiled, her hand rising to caress his cheek. "Right?"
"Mhmm," he hummed quietly, his mouth sliding into a grin that matched hers. "True for a lot of things, huh?"
He wasn't afraid to drop subtle hints of the future, but in a way where it was solid; they had conversations, concrete ones that left no room for any sort of confusion. One day, the house would be a vacation getaway for their own family...their children and their cousins, friends. The whole loud, unpredictable lot of them.
The warmth that blossomed in her chest only picked up once their guests arrived. A sweetness that began when she showed the kids the rooms they would be staying in, the little gift baskets with toys and games picked out specifically for each of them, amplified by how Jason and Kylie's girls made fast friends with Blake's crew, the way Sterling and Bronze held back slightly, but it wasn't long before they, too were pulled into the fray.
Travis and Jason fell into their typical easy banter, cracking jokes with Ryan and Channing, firing up the grill, while Kylie and Brittany insisted on playing bartender with her inside, bringing out cocktails to the patio.
It was everything she had been missing that last summer, the puzzle piece she couldn't make fit, no matter how she had tried, that she'd resigned herself to not having.
Heart to brim. At its capacity with family and close friends and the sweetest children.
Sterling and Bronze liked to hang on her like a jungle gym, likely because Travis would lift them both off the ground with one arm, content to be "Uncle Trav" to them, too and they thought she'd be the same. Brittany had to tried to swoop in to save her at first but once she figured out Taylor thought it was adorable, she simply shook her head and laughed, reminding them to be gentle.
Ellie insisted on being carried like the princess she was and Taylor was more than happy to comply, sweeping her up on one hip as Travis captured the image on his phone, his eyes crinkling at the corners.
Blake's girls loved her to do their hair, brushing it and weaving it into braids with ribbons tied at the end. They cheered when she got into the pool with them and splashed around, showed them how to turn cartwheels in the water while James and Inez like to tell her all about their adventures and camps and summer plans, excitedly talking over each other.
Bennett and Olin were most concerned about exploring their world cautiously, Bennett, the elder of the two, slightly more adventurous, though still a bit wary about the water. She allowed Taylor to take her in, much to her surprise and Olin followed suit, clinging to her with chubby fingers.
Wyatt and Betty bonded quickly, drawing Sterling into their duo and before long, all three girls were holding hands, running so quickly by Kylie's shouted directions to be careful went ignored.
"That's my Auntie Tay," she overheard Betty tell Wyatt who nodded, her shoulders shooting up proudly.
"She's also my Auntie Tay. She's gonna marry Uncle Trav."
The warmth from earlier that day spread, threatening to send her into orbit and it was there that Blake caught her, standing off to the side as the kids roasted marshmallows over an early evening fire, wrapped up in sweatshirts and blankets as a breeze swept through the yard.
"Hey, you," her friend's hand landed on her shoulder, "what's going on...you need a break?"
"No, no," Taylor hurriedly wiped her eyes. "I'm fine. I'm good...perfect, really."
Blake relaxed, giving her a slight squeeze. "This is nice, isn't it?"
They weren't just speaking of the night itself and Taylor nodded through a full throat, blinking hard.
"Very different than last year. I feel...whole. Does that---I don't want it to sound like I'm ungrateful..."
"Hey, hey, no. No one thinks you're ungrateful. I know exactly what you mean. Life is full."
They stood in relative quiet for a moment, taking in the scene, the giggles, the parental attempts to make sure no kid got too close to the fire.
Travis was patiently showing both Ellie and Betty how to stack marshmallows on their sticks, bending to their level. Then he put a hand on each little girl's shoulder, guiding them over to roast their creations.
"He's a natural," Blake observed, tipping her chin towards him. "Tell me, how'd we go from "we're taking it slow," to this? Because it's crazy."
"Yeah, you're telling me."
"He's the real deal, Tay. But you know that."
"Oh, I do."
The tears gathered and stuck as she silently acknowledged that her heart was full, indeed. And with any luck, time would only bring more joy.
In the flickering orange of the firelight, Travis met her gaze, wiping his hands on the front of his shorts, happy and relaxed.
A year...ten, twenty, it wouldn't matter, she knew. He would still make her pulse race, still give her butterflies in the pit of her stomach and she caught the kiss he blew, bringing her palm to lay on her chest.
She could see it so clearly; Travis teaching their own little brood to roast marshmallows, exceedingly patient and gentle, stopping to ruffle soft curls, praising them.
The mental image didn't bring pain, the way it might have in the past. It no longer served as a taunt... something she didn't have. Not when it was just at her fingertips now, waiting for her to come and grab it.
The Unexpected Surprise Summer
"Auntie Tay?"
A small hand on her back sent her spinning around quickly, nearly dropping the full glass of water in her hand.
"Oh, gosh, sweetie, you scared me!"
She set the glass on the countertop, crouching down at Wyatt's level.
"Sorry," she mumbled contritely, her head dipping.
"No, no, don't be sorry, honey. I just thought you were swimming with your sisters and the other kids."
She stood in the kitchen in her pink bathing suit, wet feet making impressions on the tile, hands on both hips and a serious expression upon her face; Jason's mirror image.
"I missed you," the little girl said simply, her chin crumbling in a way that immediately tugged at Taylor's heart. She was the more sensitive of the three girls, quick to point out any injustice, deeply affected by things and empathetic to those around her.
Taylor could understand this, probably better than anyone and Wyatt had become very attached to her over the course of a year. The conclusion of the tour had allowed for her to spend more time with Travis's nieces and though she loved all three of them equally, Wyatt reminded her the most of her younger self.
"Oh, sweetie, come here," she opened her arms, hugging her close. "I missed you, too. I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, but I'll head back out with you, okay?"
A quick glance at the stove's digital clock told her she'd been inside far longer than she had intended.
The wave of nausea had hit hard and unexpected. One minute, she had been enjoying one of the burgers Jason had grilled for everyone and the next minute, she was mumbling an excuse and hurrying to the nearest bathroom like her life depended on it. Travis had brushed her elbow, obviously concerned but she shook her head, mouthing, "cramps," and he'd let her be.
Now, she wiped her mouth, having downed the water as though she'd trekked through a desert, suddenly conscious of how disheveled she must have looked.
"Are you sick?" Wyatt asked and once again, she was completely bowled over by the almost six year old's intuitiveness.
"My tummy was feeling a little funny. But I'm better now."
She and Travis were both careful to always be honest with the girls, without revealing too much unnecessary information (something Kylie expressed appreciation for and Jason liked to good naturedly tease them about) and the answer seemed to satisfy Wyatt who nodded, reaching for Taylor's hand.
"Hey, Wy? Why don't we give Auntie Tay a minute, alright?"
They both looked up to see Kylie come into the kitchen through the French doors, sunglasses pushed up on her head and a towel draped over one arm.
"But Mommy..." She began to protest, but Kylie stood her ground.
"Outside, please. Here's your towel. Betty's wondering where you are."
At the mention of her friend's name, she instantly perked up, dropping the aforementioned towel and scurrying out the open set of doors.
"Incoming!" Kylie stuck her head out, calling to her husband. When she heard back, she closed both doors, turning to Taylor.
"Trav sent me to check on you. Something about womanly problems," the other woman shrugged, a little sheepish. "I see Wyatt found you first, though. I swear, if she could find a way to super glue herself to you, she would absolutely do it."
"She's a great kid."
Taylor sunk down onto one of the chairs along the breakfast bar. Suddenly, she was absolutely exhausted. It could definitely be the weekend; she was another year older and ten kids for three days would be tiring for anyone, even if none of them were hers.
The way Kylie was looking at her, though, the way her mouth curved into a knowing smile made her sit up a little straighter, her heartbeat going rapid.
"Jay wanted to make sure you didn't have food poisoning or something."
"Threw up everything in my stomach," she admitted, her palm resting on bare skin. "You can tell Jay it wasn't from the burgers."
They exchanged a glance, just one and Kylie's eyes lit up.
"You absolutely don't have to tell me anything."
The way Kylie said it got a laugh out of her, despite residual queasiness.
"You already know, don't you? The second I excused myself."
Kylie nodded, a faint blush coming into her cheeks. "After three kids, I recognize morning sickness when I see it."
"More like all day sickness. Or when I smell food sickness."
"I was like that with both girls," she commiserated, "not Bennie, though. Got lucky."
They fell silent and she waited a beat before she touched Taylor's arm.
"I don't wanna assume...this is a good thing, right?"
That did it, the sweet concern sent tears welling up in her eyes and she nodded, dabbing at the lids.
"I've wanted kids forever. For as long as I can remember. There was a time I thought it'd never happen for me."
"Oh, Tay... you'll be an amazing mom. You're already an amazing aunt to the girls and to Blake's kids...this baby's so lucky to have you and Trav. Already."
Kylie stopped in her tracks. "Travis doesn't know yet, does he?"
Tearfully, she shook her head. "I know he'll be over the moon...we planned to start trying right after the wedding. This is...it's just a little sooner than we---he's still got one more year on his contract and the wedding isn't until April. It's just all happening so fast. We weren't actively trying but we weren't exactly preventing anything," she sniffed, grabbing a napkin to blow her nose. "I guess we just figured because of my age, we'd either have some trouble conceiving or it would take awhile. So...yeah, I'm a mess. I'm overjoyed, but at the same time, I'm---"
"Scared?" Kylie supplied, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "Because if that's it, Tay, that's so normal. And I hate to tell you, you never really stop being afraid. Even after they're born. You just...kind of learn to live with the fear."
"I know it'll change things. Maybe he'll want to move the wedding up and we can't do that because of the season. Maybe he'll freak out...God, I sound fucking crazy, don't I?"
What she sounded like was panicked and Kylie took her hand in hers.
"You don't sound crazy," she asserted firmly. "You're a little shaken up, that's all. Which is also completely normal. One hundred percent. Believe me when I tell you, okay, no one is ever fully prepared. Even for planned pregnancies. I promise you. It's just all filled with unknowns and that's scary for anybody."
Kylie had a way of speaking that was both no nonsense and extremely comforting simultaneously and Taylor fully owned it was what made her an incredible mother and friend. The best sister in law and the person she wanted in her corner.
"I just don't want him to freak out."
The residual guilt, the fear of him possibly being displeased was a direct result of past experience and she knew it, could recognize that her worry was almost completely unfounded. Travis wasn't anyone else. They were planning for a family. Sooner than anticipated or not, there was no concrete reason for her to believe Travis wouldn't be elated.
"Hey, listen to me." Calm eyes met her own as Kylie refused to let go of her hand, giving her fingers a light squeeze. "No amount of shock is ever going to make that man anything short of thrilled. He's talked about having kids as long as I've known him. Wasn't entirely sure he'd ever meet the right person, though. Until you. He loves you so much, Tay. I've never seen him this happy," she paused, hesitating. "I've never said this to you, mostly because I don't know if he wants me to, but after he talked to your parents, before he proposed, he told me what he was planning and asked me for advice. He wanted it to be the most special thing possible."
There went the waterworks again and she laughed through them, sopping up more moisture with the napkin.
"It was, Ky. It was beautiful. Perfect."
"And it'll be the same way when you tell him about the baby. He's going to be overjoyed."
She sighed, making sure to take in a deep, full breath. "He's going to make an amazing father."
"Yes, he is. Best of the best. Those Kelce men...they're all great dads. Say what you want, but that much is absolutely true."
"Thank you for listening. For checking on me, too. It means a lot."
"I love you," she replied simply. "All there is to it."
"I love you, too."
Not for the first time, it occurred to her how incredibly fortunate she was to be marrying into a family as wonderful as they happened to be.
"Taylor...would it be alright to congratulate you?"
The ask was so straightforward, yet tender and thoughtful, not unlike the woman herself and nodding silently, unable to speak, Taylor found herself being pulled into a hug, Kylie embracing her tightly.
"Congratulations," the other woman murmured, "this baby is the luckiest little one already."
Before she went back outside, she turned back, her eyes kind.
"Talk to him, Tay. You can only keep him in the dark so long."
It had only been two days. Right before they flew to Rhode Island from LA, she'd stood in the master bathroom, test in hand, the sickness and food aversions and exhaustion suddenly making perfect sense. Travis had been in a training session and she hadn't wanted to call him, hadn't wanted him to speed home over news that possibly wasn't news at all, so she'd done it alone, feeling slightly guilty she had kept him in the dark for almost 48 hours, but as the result stared her in the face, she knew she needed time to process.
Kylie was right. Not only could she not hide it forever, prolonging talking to him any longer was unfair. She had to tell him.
"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked when she finally emerged and she couldn't lie, so she gave him a tight lipped smile, sitting back down next to him on the chaise lounge while he rubbed the small of her back.
"I'm better," she offered noncommittally. "Can we talk later?"
His brow furrowed slightly. "We can talk whenever you want, baby."
"Tonight."
Her fingertips danced along his kneecap, an attempt at reassurance. She knew right away that she'd worried him a little, though he played it cool, asking her if she wanted a drink and bringing her a bottled water, taking care to reapply sunscreen so that she wouldn't get burned.
They had dinner with everybody, inside this time because a storm was brewing and thankfully, she managed to eat and keep down salad and half a baked potato, taking slow, careful bites and willing herself to act normal without drawing any attention.
She could feel the concern emanating off of Travis, although from the outside, no one would ever be able to tell. He laughed and joked with their guests, partook in stories, as always the most animated person in the room.
They knew each other, almost better than anyone else...there was no hiding. So, just as he sensed something was up, Taylor saw through his facade as well.
Jumping up to clear the table, Kylie put a hand out to stop her, shaking her head. "I'll do it. Jason and I both will, right, Jay?"
He opened his mouth and catching his wife's sideways glance, quickly closed it.
"Yeah, yeah, absolutely."
For a spilt second, she thought that Kylie might've mentioned something to Jason. As much as loved him, she really preferred to keep the number of people down who knew it at a minimum, especially before she got a chance to talk to Travis.
No sooner did they offer to help, everyone else seated at the table sprung into action, her insistence she was capable of pitching in going ignored so she had no choice but to face the music.
In the quiet of their bedroom, she stood while Travis sat, unsure of where to even begin now that they were finally alone.
"Come out onto the balcony with me?"
He obliged, wordlessly rising and following her out, an arm automatically going around her waist.
The breeze coming off the water, the air smelling like impending rain, the sound of the waves lapping gently onto the sand steadied her somehow and she took a minute to brace herself against the railing before turning to him.
There was no real reason to be scared, she understood this from a logical perspective, but that didn't stop her pulse from skyrocketing.
This was Travis. The love of her life, her best friend. The past didn't dictate the future...she wanted this, she'd wanted this for years and it was finally happening, with the person it was meant to.
"Tay?"
His voice sent her back down to earth and she forced herself to steady her breathing, to really look at him, kind and concerned, his fingers tapping nervously against the metal as he waited.
"I'm scared," she confessed. It came out in a rush, not how she'd intended and already, she cursed herself for ruining it. The tears fell before she realized and before she could explain, he had her in his arms, his hands running soothingly up and down her back.
"Hey, hey, whatever it is, you can tell me, baby. Okay? There's nothing you can't say to me."
As much as she understood it to be the truth, the fear cracked and splintered, tripping over itself and she choked on it, the words stuck.
"I mean it, Taylor."
"I know you do."
She closed her eyes. "I wasn't having cramps today. I was throwing up."
"Oh," Travis stopped to consider the information, "are you feeling okay...are you sick?"
"No, no, I'm not sick." Instantly, she felt bad, knowing that she was definitely making him worried now and quickly, she grabbed for both of his hands, forcing him to meet her gaze.
"I'm pregnant."
There was a silence and she rushed on, over explaining as she tended to do when she was nervous.
"I've been feeling off so I took a test two days ago, not really expecting anything to come out of it... more for peace of mind, you know? And low and behold, here we are. I know we weren't really planning for it to be this soon and it'll really fuck with the timing of things..."
She searched his eyes, for what she didn't know, words spilling from her. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you right away. I guess I didn't know how to... how'd you'd react, if this was something you would even want..."
That seemed to break the spell of shock and Travis shook his head, eyes filling.
"I want everything with you, girl. I told you that from the beginning. The timing doesn't matter."
"You're not mad?"
She hated how her voice sounded, how small and unsure, but Travis was a master at reassurance, recognizing immediately when she needed. She didn't even need to ask.
"Baby, are you kidding? It must've been a shock, especially since we weren't trying. I don't blame you one bit for not saying anything."
"I've got to be completely honest with you, Trav, because that's how we are with each other." Her breath caught in her throat. "I was mostly hesitant to tell you not because I truly thought you wouldn't be happy."
"I'm so happy, love. More than anything," he threaded their fingers. "I wanna know what's scaring you, though. Is it because this wasn't planned? Is it the wedding? Because whatever it is, Tay, we'll figure it out together."
"It isn't any of that."
He stopped again, waiting for her until she was ready and she chewed down on her bottom lip. Going back to the past didn't serve her anymore, didn't serve them and she hated that this moment was tainted with unpleasant memories.
Still, she trusted this man implicitly, knew he wasn't going to judge her for any lingering insecurities...he never had and he never would.
"A long time ago, I thought I was pregnant. During the beginning stages of the pandemic. The timing wasn't...ideal, but I'd always wanted kids, you know? We'd talked about it, too. More as a kind of abstract than a tangible thing, really. Still, I thought that he'd kind of share my feelings about it. A mixed bag... scared and excited and nervous. Happy, though. The possibility of being pregnant, it brought me so much joy, especially during such a shit time in the world. We were all really going through it."
She heard her voice shake and felt Travis's thumbs run over her knuckles in small circles, urging her to take her time.
"I told him and I remember it was this beautiful, sunny day. We were making lunch in the kitchen and I brought it up pretty casually that I was late...this was prior to having the IUD put in...and it was like...it was like time had stopped. He turned around and he looked like he saw a ghost. Just completely shocked. Dropped the sandwich he was making."
Taylor swallowed hard, the memory stinging. "He didn't say anything for a good few minutes and I told him I was planning on taking a test. And he got this look on his face, Trav. One I've never seen and it fucking scared me. He was a whole different person. His voice got low and he grabbed my wrist. It didn't hurt but it surprised me because he'd never laid a hand on me like that before...he was always really gentle. But his tone was ice. That's the best way to describe it and he leaned in and he said, "Taylor, I'm not ready. Neither of us are ready. It would be selfish. If you're pregnant, I want you to think long and hard about what the right thing to do would be." And he fucking walked out. Left the house to go God knows where and he didn't come back for hours."
She didn't realize she was crying until she felt Travis's fingers on her cheeks, tenderly wiping them with the tips and she sank into his touch.
"I got my period the very next morning before I could even think and I fucking sobbed on the toilet. He heard me and he hugged me afterwards but it wasn't because he was grieving what wasn't with me. It was because he was relieved. It was never the same after that, no matter how much I tried to get it back."
It felt good out in the open, it felt even better not to carry the shame she'd beared for years, the way she might've ended a wanted pregnancy if he had asked her to choose.
Travis held her close, stroking her hair. His lips brushed her temple.
"I'm so sorry, baby." He spoke against the shell of her ear. "I'm so sorry he ever made you feel like that."
"You're not the same," she cried into the soft material of his t-shirt, "and I know that. I knew you'd want this baby just as much as I did. I'm sorry---"
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Taylor. None of that, alright? I love you so much. I love our baby."
His palm found the flat of her stomach, warm against the space between her shirt and skin and she allowed herself to breathe regularly again, to settle in what she had already known, deep down.
"We're going to have a baby," she spoke tentatively. A test. "We're going to be parents."
Saying it aloud made it real and the grin lighting up Travis's face soothed an ache that she had carried for far too long.
"We're going to have a baby."
Their own little piece of happiness, right there.
The Full Circle Summer
Chaos and mess and noise. Running and screeching. Tears and tattling. A full house. A full life.
A summer reprieve, a deviation from the everyday grind of life and responsibilities. A tradition that had been built back when everything was completely different. It seemed like forever ago.
Some things remained the same. The kids all still loved the pool and they all still got along, as thick as thieves. Ryan still cracked jokes, Jason was still the grill master. Brittany and Kylie still liked to play bartender, Gigi still made everything magical and lively.
Taylor loved the consistency, loved that the house on the hill that overlooked the beach continued to see such get togethers. It wouldn't always be like this. Kids wouldn't be kids forever, eventually, they'd all grow up and do their own things, want to spend the summers with their own friends and hanging out for even a weekend in Rhode Island with their parents and their parent's friends would be equated with torture.
So, she immersed herself in the joy while it lasted. Captured the memories on her beloved camera and in her head; the cannonballs into the pool, cheering when Wyatt swam in the deep end for the first time, baking with all of her nieces at once and giggling when Kylie walked in on a sprinkle war, the bonfires, each and every sandcastle, pulling out their wedding album and reminiscing what a perfect day it had been with everyone they loved in one place.
The little pockets of happiness that she found everywhere and clung to and refused to take for granted, not a single second of them.
Life was exhausting and exhilarating, all at once and she'd never felt more fulfilled. Creatively, personally...there was a calmness that quieted the rest of the storm once she became a mother. A peace that Travis had brought into her orbit with him and was only amplified the instant her beautiful, perfect girl was placed into her arms, opening her eyes on a March morning, changing the world as they knew it. Everything, everything was for her now.
"Where's that niece of mine?"
She laughed as Jason reached for the baby, holding her carefully. It would never not floor her to see such big men hold such a tiny being so gently. Brought her to near tears every single time.
"You've got a line, brother," Travis joked, turning from his spot at the grill. "Can't hog her for long."
"Don't you listen to your dad," Jason cooed softly, bouncing his niece lightly. "I know you wanna stay just where you are."
She grinned up at him gummily and he chuckled, looking up triumphantly. "See? She said she's all good here with her Uncle Jason."
At nearly six months old, Kiera was alert, always taking in her surroundings and a very happy baby. Travis swore she was advanced and although Taylor liked to kid that he was also biased, she secretly tended to agree.
"Not if her aunt has anything to say about it," Kylie grinned, motioning for him to hand her over.
It wasn't long before everyone, including the kids wanted a turn to hold her and Kiera was perfectly content to be passed around, her cute giggle delighting her cousins when they tickled her tummy.
It was still crazy to her that she had carried a baby inside of her for nine months, had brought her into the world and that she was a mother. It almost felt surreal, as if everything that she had ever wanted coming true was merely a dream, that someone was waiting to stick a pin in their bubble of bliss.
She refused to give into it, leaning on Travis whenever the fear began to creep up on her, anytime she sat, paralyzed, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Slowly but surely, she was learning that it was perfectly fine to just live in the present moment, to hold onto the gift of it with both hands.
Taking care of Kiera and being in the studio, creating music that was based on this new chapter of life, of getting to watch Travis be the most wonderful, devoted father. Making mistakes and realizing that the world didn't end and appreciating everything; sleepless nights and breastfeeding and the beauty in uncertainty.
Most of all, Taylor clung to the notion that this summer was everything she'd longed for. Her closest friends. Her family. Trav, newly retired, but okay with it, adjusting as they all were. Her gorgeous daughter. And she finally could fully believe she deserved this. That she no longer had to earn a life like this one, that there was no suffering tax she had to pay in order to have it.
That she could have it all without picking and choosing. She could have everything and she did.
It was important to them that they managed quiet moments. Their schedules had deliberately slowed down with Kiera's arrival, but they were still busy people and time with just the three of them was precious.
"Think they'll miss us?"
Taylor was busy fastening Kiera's sunhat, even though it had begun to dip low in the sky. She fully owned being extra cautious; refused to apologize for it and Travis was one to talk as he was ten times worse. She truly pitied anyone who tried to date their daughter in the future.
"They're in front of the fire. They probably won't even notice we're gone."
Travis smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Yeah, I bet you're right." He turned to the baby, "What do ya say, Kiki? You ready for your first sunset on the beach?"
She gurgled in response and Taylor shook her head. "Daddy's girl, through and through. She's gonna think her name is Kiki if you keep calling her that."
It was a running joke between them. Somewhere along the way, he'd taken to the nickname and it had stuck. Taylor pretended to be annoyed but it was in actuality, extremely cute.
With Kiera safely settled in Travis's arms, the three of them headed down the stairs to the beach, moving carefully and when they reached their destination, the sand was painted in hues of golds and pinks, the scene breathtaking.
"Look at that, baby," Taylor squeezed her foot gently, "your very first sunset. Gorgeous, right? First of many."
"She's definitely seen the sunrise," Travis quipped, making his wife laugh. "Alright...here we go, girlie. Wanna put your toes in the sand?"
"Wait," she held up her camera, "let me get a few shots."
Carefully, he bent forward, lowering the baby to the ground and placing her on her feet, his arms around her for support as Taylor snapped away, capturing the quizzical expression on her face.
"She doesn't know what to think," she giggled. Kiera's tiny toes smooshed into wet sand and the look on her face seemed like she didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
"Definitely not a big fan, I don't think," Travis observed as her face began to crumble all at once and he scooped her up. "Hey, no worries, Kiki. It's okay. No more, sweetie."
All it took was lifting her high up in the air a few times for her to be their smiley girl again and he turned to Taylor, running a hand across his forehead in relief.
"Crisis averted," she smiled, looping her arm through his. "Shall we take a little walk before we head back?"
They strolled slowly along the shore, stopping to point out the seagulls to Kiera, a boat far off in the distance.
"This is my favorite summer so far."
Travis turned to her, a sleeping baby in his arms, his face serene. "Mine too, Tay. It's perfect."
"It'll only get better."
No longer a question but a fact and Travis took her in close to him, careful of their daughter nestled in between them, cradling her jaw in his palm.
"Better and better, baby. Promise."
As his lips met hers, starbursts and shooting stars and fireworks exploded, an expression of pure happiness. Complete this time.
And she didn't have to chase it.