Sleeping with Severus was a truly strange thing, and yet so normal. Lily hadn't really thought about the consequences when she suggested that Severus share her bed. She hadn't had any ulterior motives. Severus was her oldest friend, his bed was as miserable as a prisoner's in Azkaban, and they had slept together when they were children. But they were no longer thirteen... and many things had changed since that impromptu night under a tent.
Lily was a married woman - or had been two weeks earlier. Now she was a widow, hiding in the house of the man who slept next to her, Severus. And Severus was no longer the scruffy little Sev from Cokeworth with whom she had spent her days in the small grove. The man who slept beside her had fallen on the wrong path. He had served a wizard with vile ideas and intentions before changing sides. Severus hadn't changed allegiance because of the atrocities committed by his master and his associates, but because of Lily. The young widow had learned on the night of her husband's death that Severus had become a spy for Dumbledore and that he had been madly in love with her for years.
This most peculiar situation was only temporary, as was Lily's presence under Severus' roof. Having her in his bed, by his side, didn't bother him, but it certainly wasn't very appropriate. Tomorrow she would delve into Mrs Snape's old books to improve the young man's bed and mattress. At least Severus would have a decent place to sleep.
"Lily? Aren't you asleep?" Severus asked in a drowsy voice.
It was sweet. It reminded Lily of the times when Severus and she used to go to the small wood. Sometimes Severus would fall asleep, and Lily would watch him sleep. He had seemed so innocent then.
"No," Lily replied. "I was thinking about things that didn't matter."
She moved a little closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder. Lily could feel the young man tensing slightly at the contact, as if he didn't quite know how to react. She was sure his eyes were still closed, but his breathing betrayed his discomfort. After all, she knew he wasn't used to gestures of affection and she certainly didn't want to make him feel any more uncomfortable. Still, she couldn't help but enjoy this moment of silence, where the outside world seemed to be suspended.
In this bed, snuggled up against Severus, she felt safe. It was a feeling Lily hadn't experienced - at least not so intensely - in weeks. She had mistakenly believed that the Fidelius Charm would protect her and her family. However, she had her doubts when Peter had been chosen by James to be their Secret-Keeper. Peter had been a clumsy and foolish boy at Hogwarts, lacking in subtlety. But he hadn't hesitated to take on the responsibility of protecting his best friend and his family. But they had chosen Sirius... But the almost brotherly friendship between James and Sirius was well known, even among the Death Eaters. Sirius was a Black, and the Blacks were strong supporters of Voldemort. Sirius' younger brother had become a Death Eater but had disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Nobody knew what had happened to him. Sirius also had two cousins who were close to the Dark Lord. The eldest was a Death Eater and had married one. The second had not taken the Mark, but her husband carefully hid it under his sleeve.
Sirius had rejected his family's principles at a very young age. Perhaps, at first, it had been a way of rebelling. Some boys like to provoke, to challenge tradition, to mock it. But it was something more. Sirius, who had always been brought up to believe that pure-blood wizards were superior, had quickly rejected his parents' teaching. He had probably met a few Blacks who had lost their minds. Inbreeding in very old wizarding families often produced such results. Perhaps he had also been affected by the systematic exclusion of Squibs from his family. Among the Blacks, stupidity and madness were tolerated, as long as a little magic ran through the veins of the deeply dim-witted. Squibs, on the other hand, who were perfectly sane, were nothing more than defects to be eliminated as soon as possible.
Severus had suffered a similar fate. At the age of sixteen, tired of the constant arguments with his parents and other family members over his ideas, which were considered ridiculous, Sirius had fled the family home and taken up residence with the Potters. There he had been treated as a true son, not as an abomination with bizarre and dangerous ideas for the wizarding race. Sirius could never have become a Death Eater. He had his faults, but there was no one more opposed to Voldemort, the Death Eaters and the Dark Arts than he was.
Severus didn't know it, but he had so much in common with Sirius. Both had been deprived of love and both had grown up in violent families, each in their own way. The Blacks lacked nothing, while the Snapes lacked everything. Neither had ever taken the time to have a quiet conversation. Lily was sure that, deep down, Sirius and Severus knew nothing about each other. Severus probably imagined that Sirius had been a spoilt child, like James. And Sirius probably thought that Severus had been introduced to the Dark Arts at an early age. But that was to underestimate Mrs Snape! Lily had never spoken to her best friend's mother, maybe just a 'hello' from time to time in the shop or on platform 9 ¾, but Severus had often spoken of her.
Eileen Snape was a witch, born into a very ancient wizarding family. The Princes had long been respected and, according to Severus, traces of them could be found as far back as William the Conqueror's invasion of England. Lily remembered her friend speaking of them with admiration. But the Princes' glory had gradually faded over the centuries: inbreeding, risky investments and poor decisions. Eileen Prince, an only child, had grown up in a very modest household that had not come to terms with its past greatness. She had eventually rebelled and married a Muggle. This union had produced Severus, the brightest boy Lily had ever met. Naturally, the new Mrs Snape had been rejected by her parents, who had left her almost nothing when they died: a few galleons, old trinkets and ancient manuscripts stored in the attic. This was all that remained of the Prince's inheritance.
"What are you thinking about?" asked Severus.
"You," Lily replied.
"I must be bothering you," muttered Severus.
"No, otherwise I wouldn't have snuggled up to you."
"Then why are you thinking about me?" Severus whispered.
"You're right next to me, I live with you. I think that's reason enough to think about you."
Until their falling-out, Lily had thought of Severus as the brother she never had. In a way, he was her twin. There were only twenty-one days between their birthdays, with Severus being the older. Showing him brotherly affection had always felt natural, but much had changed. Severus had been in love with her for years, perhaps never seeing her as a sister. He was an only child and hadn't bonded with other children until he met Lily. Did it hurt him when Lily treated him with the same tenderness they had shared in their youth?
"Does it bother you when I snuggle up against you?" Lily asked.
"Yes and no," he replied sheepishly.
Severus sighed.
"I like it, but... you know how I feel about you..."
"Yes, I know..." Lily replied.
She stroked his cheek gently with her fingers. It was foolish to think of him as a brother when Severus hoped for something more. He was a man now, and Lily was a woman. He was no longer the gangly, pimply teenager he had been. Of course, Lily still thought her friend was far too thin, but he was in much better shape than he had been as a student at Hogwarts. Severus had a fine build, with well-defined shoulders, a narrow waist and his muscles had developed. Was he handsome? In a way, yes. He still neglected his jet-black hair, which was greasy and badly cut, but his features weren't without charm. Lily had never understood why James, Sirius and Peter made fun of his nose. Sure, it was prominent, but it gave Severus character. His eyes, dark as coal, gave him an enigmatic, almost unfathomable look. Lily had always found them beautiful, fascinating and a little... unsettling.
If they hadn't fallen out at the lake, Lily might have ended up loving Severus. At the time, she couldn't imagine her future without him. She wasn't immune to James' charisma, but she had known Severus intimately. At Hogwarts, Lily had been a popular student, loved by almost everyone, while Severus, though her best friend, had been a loner, an ugly duckling. For years she had ignored the warnings and inappropriate advice of those who wanted her to distance herself from Severus. As a teenager, her dream had been to become a Potions Mistress and partner with Severus. Such a partnership would probably have led to marriage.
But nothing Lily had imagined at fifteen had come true. She had fallen in love with James, married him in the heat of the war, and had a baby. Both had put their careers on hold to devote themselves to the Order. James, who had inherited the Potter fortune, was extremely wealthy and would probably never have had to work. He had dreamed of becoming a professional Quidditch player, and sometimes an Auror... But James lacked a little rigour. He had done exceptionally well in his NEWTs and could have been selected for the Auror Recruitment Programme, but James had chosen to go straight to Dumbledore, just as Lily had. He often said he would think about his future after the war... The war wasn't really over, and James was dead.
Would she ever love Severus? Lily did love him in a way and had for a long time. But her heart belonged to James and, more importantly, to her son, Harry. The love she felt for Severus was complex, tinged with nostalgia, affection and resentment. He had crossed a line by becoming a Death Eater, not to mention the prophecy he had foolishly repeated... But there was good in Severus. He was fiercely devoted to her, and Lily knew he would do anything for her. He had shown that perfectly recently. Lily was convinced that Severus would never make a bad decision again, at least not one that she completely disapproved of.
Lately, everything in her mind had been confused. She had been shocked and hurt by a childish word, then resigned herself. She wanted to leave here, to resume her normal life, but she was also terrified of the prospect. Where would she go with Harry? Her home was now a ruin. She feared her son would become too attached to Severus, but she loved seeing them so close. And Severus... she didn't want to lose sight of him. They got on well, despite the past. They had reconnected with surprising ease. The feelings Severus had for her sometimes frightened her. He had only ever loved one person: her. Wouldn't it be cruel to ignore his love, to pretend it didn't exist?
James had died two weeks ago, and Lily hadn't finished mourning his loss. She would mourn him until the end of her days. How could she ever love another man as much as she had loved James? The thought seemed completely impossible. Severus wasn't just any man, but what she felt for him was different. She still resented him, but that feeling was fading day by day. She loved him as a friend, as a brother...
But deep down she knew that what she felt was more intense. The boy from Spinner's End was a part of her, and vice versa. Would she have felt degraded if she had loved him when they were teenagers? Perhaps... Lily had never been superficial, but Severus' tendency towards dark magic had horrified her. Before James, she had never looked at a man, never felt the slightest crush. Severus held a mixture of fascination and repulsion for her. When they were younger, he'd put her on a pedestal, yet he'd insisted on associating with people who thought people like Lily didn't deserve to exist. She knew now that Severus had never despised Muggle-borns at Hogwarts, even if the slur had slipped his lips. His only crime back then had been being too ambitious. Who could blame him?
He had grown up in a terrible place. His parents had neglected him and there was no doubt that he had been beaten by his father. Lily had sometimes seen bruises carefully hidden beneath the oversized rags that covered Severus' scrawny body. Of course, he had admired his mother's ancestors, the princes. We all like to have heroes, important people in our family tree. Slytherin was the one place where he would finally be recognised and admired for his intelligence. But from the beginning, Slytherin had rejected and looked down on those with Muggle blood in their veins.
"Sev?"
"Yes?"
"Were you happy in Slytherin?"
For a few moments, all that could be heard was the sound of Severus breathing.
"It wasn't exactly what I expected," he admitted. "But... I was proud to be a part of this house."
"What did you expect?" asked Lily.
"I thought it was all about intelligence... That wasn't really the case."
Quite a few idiots had been sorted into Slytherin. Severus had more intelligence in his little finger than Mulciber and Avery had in their entire bodies.
"You know... they made fun of me because of my background," Severus continued. "No one had ever heard of the Snapes. So, I must have Muggle blood. I made the mistake of saying my mother was a Prince and they laughed in my face."
"They didn't believe you?"
"That wasn't it... They replied that the Princes were no longer princes, and that there was nothing to be proud of.
The disappointment must have been great for Severus.
"I was looked down on because I didn't come from the same background as my housemates. Some reached out to me, like Lucius Malfoy..."
He paused. Lily was well aware that Lucius Malfoy had played a significant role in influencing Severus.
"He quickly saw that I had talent... But there was condescension in him, and there still is."
"He didn't treat you as an equal?"
"It was subtle... I don't mean to speak ill of Lucius, Lily... He was the first in Slytherin to see my talent. He was a prefect when I arrived, and he mentored me. When he left Hogwarts, he made a point of checking up on me, either by letter or through students who kept in touch with the Malfoy family. In his view, my blood was a major obstacle to making my way in society, but my abilities - in the service of the right side, his side, of course - could tip the balance."
"What exactly did he promise you?"
"Glory, success," Severus chuckled weakly. "I'm not the only half-blood to have taken the Mark. But I could see the gap between me and some of the Death Eaters from the most prestigious families. The Dark... You-Know-Who always treated me well. That may surprise you, but it's true. Now I understand why. Among those who joined him of their own free will were pure-blood wizards with no common sense. They dreamed of returning to the old days when the old families ruled everything. These people treated me with contempt and barely tolerated me.
"I thought you didn't know all the Death Eaters..."
"That's true. I know the ones I was associated with - my fellow Slytherins, Lucius, the Lestranges and Regulus Black. As a novice and a spy, I wasn't often invited. I met Igor Karkaroff because we were about the same age. You-Know-Who told him to report everything he heard. But the fool wanted to go the extra mile and take part in Muggle torture sessions. That's how he got caught.
Harry was asleep and Lily didn't want her son to hear such gruesome details. He was too young to know words like murder and torture.
"Don't go into details. I don't want Harry repeating those words tomorrow," Lily whispered.
"I will personally see to it that your son knows nothing of the darkness in this world for a very long time," Severus replied.
There was a hint of sarcasm in his tone. Still, Lily was sure that Severus cared about Harry. She snuggled closer to him, and he kissed the top of her head.
"It's time to sleep. I'll tell you another story tomorrow," Severus promised.
"Sleep well, my Sev."
"Sweet dreams, Lily, honey."